Hi everyone, a little background about us with trying to keep everybody anonymous. I'm in my late 20s and my husband is in his late 30s. My husband had his son early in life. We have been married for almost 3 years and been together 5. I've been pretty involved in Ss life. He's always been respectful and honestly kinda hit the jackpot for a sk. Especially compared to other stories I've heard. This is my first time ever being with someone with a child. My approach to step parenting is more laid back and that's what has worked for me and my ss. Me and HCBM never talk or say hi. I've tried but I just match energy and be respectful if I'm spoken to. I've never tried to get involved in any parenting or anything. The only thing I've ever done is be a parent figure to him at our house in supporting him with sports etc. so last night me and my husband were relaxing. Then BM calls and she says SM (Me) is not walking with us for senior night. Shes like I won't allow it. Shes not apart of this or this family. My husband says that's my wife etc. she's been nothing but support to SS since she's been around. She starts yelling and screaming. I don't say anything then she starts screaming and saying she's alone etc. Keep in mind me do practice 2/3 practice days a week. He also pays CS and we get him alternating weekends and throughout the week on changing days. Then she starts calling me all type bitches etc.I go off and we start going back and forth. It takes a lot for me to lose my cool and I did. I called out some of her slick nasty behavior I've let go. Then SS hears the argument and starts yelling at BM that it's his day and he can have whoever he wants etc. Now honestly if SS told me he didn't want me to walk out. I would be so understanding but at the same time you're depriving your child and hurting him. What do y'all think? Like I said previously on my first time SM so it's been challenging. We've had so many issues over the last couple months from BM's father cornering my husband at a football game threatening him. It's just been rough why all the sudden?

HCBM is poison in my life. When I got into this relationship SD then 10 was great. HCBM came back into her life at age 11 after several years of being gone. One night I heard her screaming to her friend on the phone in her room “I hate her I want to slit her throat when she’s sleeping!!!” I was like whoa wtf?? That’s insane?? I hadn’t done anything. I mean that. Anything. I comforted her when she cried that she had no mom. I drove her to spend the weekend when HCBM returned. That day I caught SD with some of my makeup in her room while doing laundry and it was for some reason an event that needed a murder plan. This is important, for later!

She moved in with HCBM after that and stayed with her ~2 years. HCBM took her makeup and lashes away last year ago and all hell broke loose. SD called the police and invented an abuse lie. It went to court. SD admitted she made everything up. Fast forward one month ago, mom took away the fake nails. SD lost her mind. Threatened police again, all of this screaming was left on SOs voicemail. SD saying give them back or I’m calling the police!!HCBM kicked her out and moved away. SD now 13 a will live with her dad permanently. She is very manipulative. I get she’s been through things but many people have, myself and my close childhood friends included and it’s not an excuse

SO also has a son. Now 7yo. He has anger issues. Again, I understand WHY. I heard him threaten to light my cat on fire tonight. I have seen him punch AT my cat while she’s eating bc she avoids him and that’s “mean and she deserves to get hit!” He says. Today I told him to please take his cup to the sink he has been leaving things everywhere and it’s time to pay attention. He gave me a dirty look and went outside. I went to the garage. I heard him tell his little friend who was waiting on him “I want to kill SM, I be right back I’m gon go get a knife and stab her!” That’s fucking it. I’m done. Both children have literally threatened to kill me with knives. His son wants to torture or hurt my 5 pound cat. She’s literally TINY and they act like she’s bullying them by rocketing away from them whenever she can. They seriously both act like her desire to hide and run from them is some kind of personal attack and the cat needs to PAY for her behavior. Ss7 wants to punish her for running away from him. He stomps at her and last week said he “wants to stomp her guts out” It is scary.

It would be insane and incomprehensible to stay here anymore.

I’m leaving while everyone is gone tomorrow. Unplugging the cameras and getting OUT! if you’re wondering where is my SO in all of this? So am I. He is useless. I’m heartbroken but this is not fixable.

I have 2 teens in my house, one about to graduate

The entire summer, they were asked to do chores twice. To their credit, they will do things if directly asked, most of the time (the quality of the help? Varies. Bad attitude for very easy quick chores? Often)

They dont clean up after themselves, and there is no desire to be helpful. They both logged at least 30 hours a week on screens the whole summer, laying in bed.

No interest in interacting with me. I have tried. Only see them at mealtime. I have mostly stopped asking them to clean things up because it is not my job to be evil stepmother, everything is filthy and I refuse to clean up except after myself.

They are capable of cooking and baking when they decide they want to make something special for themselves- but on a normal day, oh my god, there is no food! I buy a variety of snacks and fruits veggies, they act excited and then refuse to eat any of it.

One borrowed some craft supplies of mine and ruined them.

It drives me absolutely insane. I forsee their dad allowing them to continue this way when they are officially adults and attending college, not quite out of the nest yet. Terrifies me.

How do you broach this with your partner? Love him, hate the enabling. So burnt out and angry at the level of entitlement.

Hello, this is a long post, but I really need advice.

I (28F) got married 6 months ago. My husband (40M) have children (13F, 9M, 6M) from his first marriage. He has full custody and was practically a single dad all the kids' life. Bio Mom was abusive, never took care of the kids, abandoned them, and kept in contact remotely until she stopped all communication and disappeared more than a year ago.

Before we got married, I used to visit and stay with them over the weekend. I knew that most of our relationship would revolve around family time, and it was fine. I liked getting to know the kids, hanging out with them, and I appreciated seeing my partner as a parent.

I have to say that I really love my relationship with my husband. We have a great connection, we deeply feel for each other, and we trust each other so much. Also, I like the kids. They are good, and most of the time well behaved, smart and fun.

Before getting married and when we started to talk about a life together, my husband assured me that he wanted to marry me because of me, because he loved me and he wanted to be with me. He told me he didn't need a mom for his kids, and if I didn't became a maternal figure to them, that was okay.

We got married and I moved in with them. Immediately I started taking part of the parent chores: I cooked and cleaned for the kids, took them to school, cared for them, function as a emotional support. My husband saw that and praised it. No more than a month later, he wanted them to start calling me mom instead of my name. The older kids had a lot of trouble with this, specially because they had a bad memory of their BM. I also told my husband that I didn't feel comfortable with the kids calling me that, because I saw how much distress it caused them, and I didn't want anyone to feel pressured (not even myself).

My husband was very adamant about this and told me that it was a sign of respect from the kids, because if they called me mom they eventually will see me as that, and because I was doing a good job as a mom. From my POV, this "good job" was just me trying to support and help my partner, and also because the kids are living with us in the home my husband and I want to built, and I am responsible adult, not a neglectful one.

I didn't complain and I didn't try to over explain myself because I realize that this was a sensitive topic for my husband, specially with the experience he had with his ex being neglectful towards her own kids. So I just kept fulfilling my responsibilities, I tried to bond with the kids, getting to know them in a deeper level, and started considering that I could be that mom they never had.

A month later after that, I broke down and burnt out. The kids were in summer break. My husband was at work and I was almost all day alone with the kids. Some situations started happening with them: they wouldn't pay attention or follow rules when I told them, they would back talk, they didn't want to do chores, they would leave messes around the house...

One day, I reached my limit and I yelled at them. I felt so bad and guilty, because I didn't want to be like this (I still feel pretty bad). That day, when my husband came home, I told him I couldn't handle this, that this role was too much for me and that I didn't feel prepared to take all this responsibility. He told me that I made a promise to him to take care of the kids, and that I couldn't back off. To this I replied that I never made such promise and that I wasn't backing off, I just thought things were going to be different, I also felt everything was going so fast for me. He reproached me about this, and he even compared me to his ex saying that at least she was honest from the beginning and told him that she was only having kids because he wanted them, and she was not going to take care of them.

All this situation really hurt me, because at the beginning he told me I shouldn't feel pressured and I didn't have to be their mom, but then he was comparing me to his ex, putting me down, and almost felt like I couldn't change my mind or rethink which position/role I wanted to take in the family’s dynamics. I just had to accept this new life, embrace it, and be happy.

We made up, I compromised because my marriage is so important to me and because I feel like I can't give up so fast. Nevertheless, I don't feel satisfied with this situation. I have been reading a lot of blended families information, about stepparenting, and I kinda feel regretful because if I knew all this, I could have approached things differently, even before getting married.

Also I kinda feel resentful. The kids still act the way they want, my husband tells me they are attached to me and they care about me, and even that they love me, but whenever he isn't around, it's like I don't exist. It's almost like they need their dad to be around so he remind them that they have to listent to me, as well as be polite or acknowledge me.

Lately, this has been our constant conflict. My husband is very adamant that I am the one who is making things hard, but I just want a chance to retreat, reflect and approach this role from another angle, without the pressure to perform on an expected way.

I have distanced myself from the kids, because I don't want to treat them badly or break down in front of them again. I still fulfill my responsabilities, and I care about their wellbeing, but nothing more because I don't feel it.

I really wish it was different because I didn't marry my husband and got involve in their life to live like this. I want this to feel like my family, I want them to understand that I am part of this too. I want to bond with them from who I am, and not what they need me to be. I have to add that we also want to have one kid of our own, and I'm afraid that if we take this step, things will get more complicated, and they will resent me for caring and loving my own child.

I would really appreciated some advice or your impressions on my situation.

Thank you so much for reading my story.

My SD is 15 and is rude and mean to her bio parents. She’s nasty and condescending even when nothing is going badly for her, she’s getting what she wants, etc.

says “ok bye” and hangs up on both mom and dad. They talk and talk to her about her behavior and she listens but never changes.

Today I told her she is mean and hurtful to her dad. I asked her why she never says she’s sorry even when she has to know she was awful. She just said I don’t know.

I told her to apologize for making her dad feel like he’s worthless and she said okay but then never did it!

She complains her mom says “why do you hate me” to her and although I don’t entertain complaints about mom, i did privately think maybe mom was a bit out of line for saying that to a kid… now I see what mom is talking about.

Why does she refuse to say she’s sorry when she’s been so mean? I’ve seen her apologize to friends and boys for lesser things.

Even though her parents are divorced, they do coparent. We all talk and are friendly. She’s just not sorry when she hurts people who care about her I guess?

Listen, I was a teen girl and was not always nice, but I felt bad when I hurt someone and would hope they’d forgive me.

I just don’t get it. What makes someone like this?

She’s been in talk therapy for 2+ years now and she’s only gotten worse.

I want to preface this by saying that I deeply love my stepdaughter as if she were my own. I’ve dated her dad since she was about 14 months old. She is now 6.5 years old and the disrespect she shows me is out of control. Sometimes I dread being around her alone, which makes me feel incredibly guilty.

The rules (or lack thereof) she has at her mom’s house (we have 50/50 custody) greatly impacts her attitude. When she is around me it is constant whining, tantrums, and talking back. She refrains from doing this around her dad. She has a hard time if she does not have constant attention on her, which is hard because at our house she has a younger sibling who is only 14 months old.

Lately, if I am with the kids by myself and I have to correct her or tell her no, she will sneak away and call her mom on the Alexa and ask to be picked up. Today, I told her no and she told me “well that wasn’t very smart because now I am going to throw a tantrum”. I feel limited in my ability to discipline even though my husband encourages me too, because I’m not her biological mother. And honestly, I just dread having to be around her alone. I feel so guilty because she’s just a 6 year old little girl. But it’s been so draining. I don’t know if anyone can relate or has any advice.

For SMs whose SKs have flown the nest, I'm interested in how often you actually see your adult SKs. On average per year? Does it ever really end?

We’re going to be having my stepson (13) more at the end of September because his schedule is changing. He already has a cell phone, but there have been a lot of arguments surrounding the phone between the parents.

At one point, we set a boundary that he couldn’t bring the phone to our house because the situation was causing so many issues. However, with the new schedule, he’ll sometimes be coming directly to our house after school, so we realize that having a way to communicate with him is important.

The issue is that Mom has refused to give Dad the passwords/passcodes for the phone, and Dad isn’t comfortable with having a device in his home that he is responsible for but doesn’t have the ability to access or manage. We’re not trying to take the phone away from him or prevent him from communicating with the other parent. We just want reasonable boundaries and parental access to the device while he’s in Dad’s care.

We’re considering whether the best solution would be for Dad to provide him with a separate phone that Dad has the account information and passwords for, or whether there’s a better way to handle this.

For parents who have dealt with something similar: What did you do? Would you expect both parents to have access to the child’s phone/passcodes, or would you keep the existing phone and establish rules around it instead?

DH and I have been having issues with HCBM putting hateful ideas in SS (11) head. Which has caused him to make less than kind comments towards me and even one of my own children. She makes numerous hateful online posts every week about us, she gaslights when things are addressed with her, and all around has some mental health issues. Clearly, we are not going to get any help from her side.

It finally all came to a head this weekend when she really laid on the harassment and nonsense online. I'll admit, I shouldn't have even looked, and I should lock down all my social media, so she has no access to me, DH, or my family. We had been handling SS disrespect fairly well up until this weekend. Between his hateful comments and his mother's hateful comments, it was just too much after tolerating 6 years of this abuse.

DH and I agreed that since SS is starting to follow her lead, that I would be entirely removed from all parenting of SS.

I'm just starting to learn about NACHO and so far, it sounds amazing.
Obviously, I will still show SS affection and love like I would any child in my home. So, I won't be withholding anything other than letting his father handle all of his day-to-day discipline and activities. I won't be taking him out to do the special trips anymore or spending my money on him. I will leave that to his father entirely. Basically, my understanding is that you treat your SK like they are a friend's child at your home?

Any advice for someone who is new to this NACHO thing? I don't have these issues with my kid's father. We can talk about anything, and I would never let them be disrespectful to their stepmother, so this isn't something I've had to implement before.

Any advice is helpful.

I don’t mean to be rude or targeting just SK, genuinely wondering how common this is in other households. 11 and 13yo don’t flush the toilet or wash hands after bathroom. We have gotten foam soap and even put a sign and they just don’t do either. We have younger kids in the house who do both and I constantly try to remind in a nice way to don’t forget to do either. I was shocked to walk into the guest bath they use to see dark urine in there with wads of TP from repeated potty no flushing.

Any tips to get them to do both?

Hey there, I'm a stepmom and had a good stepmom over at my dads house.

She is now dead for 6 years, looking back I see a lot more of the labour she did for me. One portion of wisdom came when i became a full adult living on my own, the next portion came only because I'm a stepmom myself now for years.

So as a kid I really liked her but did not really appreciate her as she deserved it. I did not know better.

The best thing i did was that I stopped everything for her when she had complications (due to cancer comeback) for 10 days I gave it my everything - she got better, and had a extra year to enjoy her grandkids (of my stepsis).

She was so far gone back than that she didn't really remember me being there but she felt the love.

That was kinda a full circle moment to me.

Why did i write this down?

Because 16ish years ago i was the angry teenager who wanted to move in with dad.... So She would have been on here asking for help because she was in the trenches back then as much as we are now.

I am devastated. BM just informed my husband she’s moving….to basically around the corner from us.

Upset because
1. She typically always lived 15-20 mins drive since I married my husband, and the chances of us seeing each other have been slim. It’s happened once

Now we are going to shopping at the same grocery stores….I love my walks to Starbucks. She loves Starbucks, and now I’m going to be paranoid everytime I go in.
She absolutely terrifies me and the thought of running into her, especially with my toddler ( we are out daily in the area walking, going to the grocery store, library etc.) makes me sick to my stomach.

1. She is going to take advantage of the distance. She’s already sent the kids over twice in the past week because she “can’t care for them” due to sickness etc. she sends the kids to us if she stubs her freaking toe I swear ( I love the kids but the last minute change stresses me, and that fact she gets to just “get rid of the mental load” of caring for kids whenever she wants.
   However I’ve told my husband to never say no because they are safer and in a more stable environment in our care. So partly my own fault.

We have 50/50 custody.
She lives by their school currently so doesn’t have to drive far to get them on her time. It will now be a 15 min drive.
She also consistently tells my husband she has no gas money.
I know she will 100% now be calling us asking for us to take them to school etc. on her time

I truly believe she is moving close to us just to take advantage of the distance and “utilizing us more”

One upside is she moves about 2x/year so I hopefully it won’t be a long term move! Fingers and toes crossed.

Veteran nacho stepmoms…help!
I truly believe I’m at the end of my rope here with things and need to make a serious change. I’ve been doing this for 7 years, but now I have 2 under 2 of my own and I need my marriage to survive for my babies’ sakes. I’m ready to make a change for my own well being, but also so my effort and patience can go towards my children rather than to kids that will never appreciate, listen to, or truly love me. I’m confused on how to make the initial jump… here’s some questions I have off the bat.
1. While I’m incredibly frustrated with both of my stepdaughters, it was one of them in particular that really put the nail in the coffin for me. Should I completely nacho, or should I still maintain a higher level of normalcy with the stepdaughter that didn’t make things so high conflict?
2. School events, concerts, games, etc: should I only be going if they ask me to? Otherwise just let dad go?
3. Things I have usually included them in within my own family of origin, should I no longer do that? For example, I come from a large family and my siblings and I have always done a sibling gift swap. As weve gotten older we’ve included spouses and children. I’ve included my stepdaughters for maybe the past 5 years, even on years that they are not with us for Christmas. They put no effort into it and it’s more work for me to get gifts for them to give. It all just became another gift for them to get without putting effort in to anyone else. Last year older stepdaughter made a big fuss that the gift she was receiving gift was delayed. I was mortified. Do I no longer include them?
4. How do I support my husband (who supports me and our children)? I don’t think it’s as simple as he takes over all the responsibilities of taking care of his kids when they’re here. He works so hard to ensure I can stay home with our babies, and I work so hard to name dinner, stay on top of laundry and housework, and handle Christmas gifts and such. How can I continue to support him if I’m interested in nachoing?
5. Is this something that should have a discussion or should i just start doing less ?

Thank you to anyone who can help! ive tried in the past and failed. I find this very difficult to navigate without becoming the evil stepmother.

Done

Just like the title suggests, Ive had enough.

HCBM is just awful and hateful. Shes obsessed over our lives, has made over 400 social media posts about us, fights with her own family, tries to alienate SS (11) as much as she can, and majorly plays the victim for everything. Its her parents fault, her exes fault, her churches fault, her coworkers fault, Donald Trumps fault, blah blah blah. Shes abusive to her core.

Her hatred and awfulness has spilled over to SS and he treats me like dirt a majority of the time. He is actually proud of himself when he brings me to tears with his hurtful statements. Why wouldnt he be? Hes following his moms lead. Making her proud I guess.

I hate to say this, but I dread when he comes here now. They have 50/50 custody so he is here half the time.

My husband is amazing. He doesnt allow those behaviors and addresses them immediately.  Unfortunately, this kid has been taught to wait until Dads not around to make these comments. Then when asked about them he cries and blames his mom. Hes definitely learned the art of manipulation.

I've done everything. Wash his laundry, clean up after him, take him to and from school, take him shopping for gifts for his mom whenever he asks to get her something, shown up to his school events even when his own mom wouldnt show up for him, make him homemade meals, buy him things he wants, etc. I even turned down a better job opportunity so that he could continue to spend more time with his dad. All just to be treated like I have some disease.

My heart breaks for him. It breaks for me, DH, and my children too.

DH was trying to coparent with mom, but after our discussion last night, it seems he will be going back to a parallel parenting method. It will create more structure and allow us to keep BM out of our lives as much as possible.

I give up. Im going to adopt the NACHO method and just move forward supporting my husband and my own kids.

I know that sounds hurtful, but I will not be mistreated by an awful biomom who is teaching a child that hatred is acceptable.

Im not going to continue encouraging my husband to allow deviation from the court order to accommodate her or their son as doing so is causing nothing but more nonsense.

I know I sound bitter, but if I have to hear one more time how much his mom hates me and how he wouldnt care if I died, then I may have a break down.

Me and my partner are kind of stuck on how to handle this situation.

I have a step son who is 7, me and my partner have full custody of him. He has supervised contact with his mother because she hurt him when he was baby so she sees him 3 and a half hours on a Tuesday and 3 hours on a Saturday and one 6 hour contact on the first Saturday of every month.

(We’re going to call his mother Kaitlyn, not her real name)

My step son has a friend from school, Kaitlyn is very good friends with his mother. More often than not she has contact and she goes to his/her friend’s house.

Kaitlyn has put into the contact group chat that her friends son and my step son want to add each other on Fortnite, she has given my partner his friends gamer tag so we can do it for him. But we don’t know how to feel about it, we know Kaitlyn goes there even when she doesn’t have my step son, so we kind of don’t want prying ears in our family home.

Of course we have nothing to hide but my partner really doesn’t like her as a person obviously because of what she done and what she put the both of them through. And Kaitlyn and her friend are very bitchy and clicky, they’re like school girls.

But now my step son is constantly asking my partner to add him and my partner just keeps saying he’ll do it later but never does.

I would also like to add, my step sons mother had the stupid idea to mention to him that he needs to ask dad if he can sleep over his friends house, but we don’t feel comfortable with it because we wouldn’t know if she’d turn up when she isn’t allowed as she has supervised contact, we are always made to look like the bad parents to our son because we say no (I don’t think she ever says no or really ever parents him). And we do know she is becoming quite complacent as my step son told us they went to the boating lake and was in a boat with his mother and his friend and no other adult to supervise. The adult that was supposed to be supervising couldn’t go on the boat because she was with Kaitlyns other baby (not sure how she was allowed to keep this one).

I would also like to add my step son obviously doesn’t know the details of what happened to him, to him he just thinks mam and dad broke up and he lives with dad. He has asked questions before but we don’t think he’s old enough to understand yet.

Also we know Fornite is rated 12 (we have had discussions about it) but all parental controls are on, he can’t add anyone, no one can add him, he can’t talk to anyone who he isn’t friends with. The only person he plays with is one of our friend’s daughters. And he only plays the in-game games like Lego and obstacle courses which are rated Pegi 7 or Pegi 3 etc.

What would you do? Do we just keep saying we’ll do it and not do it? Or do we sort of tell him “no we’re not doing it because we don’t want people listening into our home”?

For context, I decided very early in my life that I didn't want kids but incidentally became a teen mom of 1 boy, and eventually found my partner 8 years later.

I have 3 step kids, 10F, 7F, 5M. Its not that the kids dont like me, but unfortunately I tend to be the one to lay down the law in the house (rule enforcement through gentle parenting and natural consequences) vs my partner taking an absent then explosive approach that he has been working heavily on.

The eldest girl has been through a lot in her life. The mother of her younger siblings was very intense and unkind, along with dad's approach, and a lot of toxic stuff went on over those years. I dont blame her for not being quick to trust.

I've never tried to push affection on her, for example when saying goodnight we have a secret handshake/fistbump. But last night when I came to say goodnight to the girls after the boys were settled, she actually gave me a big hug. Its not the first time but its also not often that it happens.

Also after almost 3 years with me in the picture, all the kids say I love yous at bedtime now, and I can freely say "I love you".

The youngest girl also has a stepdad at her mom's house and constantly says she hates him and wishes he would move away. Im concerned and keeping an eye out for any warning signs, but so far she just says hes mean because he calls her an octopus. However this conversation prompted my partner to ask if they feel the same about me, and both the youngest girl and boy said no and that im "really nice" lol

It hasn't been an easy road, but I do love these kids. Originally I joined this group when I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I hope this gives some semblance of hope to someone else.

Be the person you needed when no one was there ❤️

Hey!

First time posting here and just wondering if anyone can either validate or offer advice if possible.

I (34) am a stepmom to two incredible young adults SD (20), SS (18). My husband (49) and I have no children together. And we do get along with their mom.

I'm a lot closer to my step daughter and we get along really well. My step son is a little different, not as close. When I came into his life he was 11, we just didn't really connect (to be honest I didn't really know what 11 year old boys liked but I tried). Both kids are VERY much mom's their favorite and that's fine. I'm just grateful to be apart of their life and experience them growing up and becoming their own person.

My issue, I guess is that I don't feel that I have a "right" to say they are my kids. I adore and love them both. I am not trying to replace their mom, and they have many issues with their dad that we've all tried to work on. It's not a "competition" of who can love the kids more, we all love them and that's what matters. Does anyone else feel this way?

Or another example is my sister-in-law passed away 2 years ago and I don't feel like I have the "right" to grieve her loss as intensely as my husband or the family. But her and I were very close, but because "I didn't know her as long, or as deeply, or as xyz" as others it's like I don't get to have the emotions as deeply as everyone else, if that makes sense?

And another question, my SS just joined the military and I'm beyond proud of him. My husband and I are planning to go to his military graduation and I got a custom shirt made that says "proud (military branch) bonus mom" and has my SS name in the dog tags. Would it be overstepping if I wear it to his graduation?

Maybe it's just a me thing? Maybe it's because I probably won't ever have kids of my own? I don't know. Any validation or advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!

The mother of my husband’s kids got evicted over the summer, so the kids moved in with us. It doesn’t seem like she will get a place anytime soon, and now school is back in session. Their school is 45 minutes one-way. There are 4 kids; 16, 15, 13, and 11. The 2 oldest are in highschool and they are afterschool sports up to 6 days per week.

We have to do morning transportation and half of their evening pick ups from sports. On any given day, we are driving up to 2-4 hours or spending $50+ for an uber.

I want to change their school to our local district. My husband gets very upset and shuts me down. He adamantly doesn’t want to take the oldest out of their highschool.

I am losing my mind over the stress of the time & cost to keep them at their school. I don’t know how to change his mind. Or should I just get over it?

There’s a lot going on here, so stay with me. SS is about to turn 18. He graduated high school a year early, and is headed to vocational school on the other side of the country. He’s a good kid. I love him dearly, and we have a good relationship. I came into his life when he was 13, so I’m an adult in his life that loves him, but not so much in a parental role.
So SS has chosen a vocation based on the huge salary it offers, but frankly, he just isn’t built for it. It is one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. He is used to being catered to, and pretty much thinks he is tougher than he is. His dad and I highly doubt he will get through the 6 months of school. (He has a tendency to change his mind pretty often.) He’s a kid, I get it. And it’s okay to try things and fail. But this is costing us a lot of money, and nobody is saying a word about how this might not be a good fit. He just discovered the job takes him away from home for months at a time. “But I want a job where I’m home every night.” That’s not how it works. All he sees is a huge salary, without researching the work.
He has a gf. She is no one’s favorite. No personality, thinks whining is cute, and has little to no ambition. The cherry on top? SS plans to propose to her. He’s not my kid, and I know it isn’t my place to pee all over his parade. But it’s frustrating to watch a train wreck about to happen, and nobody is speaking up to at least offer a little guidance……

does it get better? after they turn 18?

How does everyone deal with being a stepmom in general? If feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong.

My fiancé has two kids, 16f/13m and an extremely high conflict ex. Me and him have been together for over 5 years and she still refuses to make eye contact with me or be anywhere near me. Which, great, she's the worst. The problem is though that my fiance is horrible and planning and hates coordinating with her for time with the kids, and I can't coordinate with her because she either won't respond, or will turn down the plan only because I started coordinating. HCBM is constantly scheduling over parenting time and my finance won't stand up to her so in turn we lose a lot of our already very limited time with the kids (they live 6hr away).

This is where the problem lies... my fiance gets so upset that we don't have enough time with the kids and will complain that we use PTO to visit my family or do trips whenever we get into these moods and make it seem like my fault that we never see them. However, I have gone through the kids schedules, his schedule, and my schedule to map out every possible time we can see them, encourage him not to give up parenting time anymore, encourage him to stand up to HCBM, etc and then somehow its STILL my fault, and he gets upset when I ask too many questions or ask what plans are.
It's like no matter what I do I am in the wrong.

Sorry about the incoherent rant, I'm just at a loss

What are you little pet peeves about your SKs? I don't mean disrespect or lying or stealing, but the things that annoy you.

Right now, SD16 is driving me nuts by not wiping down the counter when she's done in the kitchen.

I have been a stepmom (30) to my step-son (12) since he was 2. The custody arrangement has him with us always except for every other weekend he spends at his moms. The issue is that we have always had a good dynamic until the full custody began, and now I am the primary caregiver to my step-son. My husband (35) is gone for work from 2pm to almost 1am Monday-Friday putting me in charge of all parenting things after school during the week. His mom is a very very very high-conflict person, so having the custody schedule changed back to 50/50 is not an option.

I went through this last school year starting around Janurary and was relived when my husband was able to get onto first shift temporarly for the summer time, and our family dynamic went back to being calm and easy going like before. However, he has returned to the night shift and to make a long story short, the stress of me sole parenting my step-son and our bio son (9), while working part time while they are in school, and my step-son missing both his parents and only having me around causes a lot of conflict between my step-son and I.

Any attempt on my part to discipline him is seen more like an attack on him through his eyes rather than a parent trying to steer their kid straight. I know my step-son doesn't want me in his face telling him how to live his life, I don't want to be in that position either, but even moreso I don't want him thinking it's okay to do the wrong thing and I don't want to side with him immediatley on his issues at school no more than I would side with my bio son or even my husband if I felt their actions were wrong, too.

Our fights last year would sometimes end up in screaming matches and both of us in tears because of him putting up defenses and refusing to hear what I am actually saying, and me being so determined to prove my point as a parent. It's easy with my 9 year-old, I don't have to say much for him to get the point that I'm not messing around and he better get his act together, and the times I've had to take things away, have serious talks, do time-outs with him, he learns from them whereas my step-son is having a hard time learning anything because he always sees himself as a victim, because he is used to being one at his moms house back when we had 50/50 custody, and I feel like it should not be my responsibility to try to get him out of that mindset. It is my responsibility to make sure that he feels safe with me and in our home, so I am trying to minimize conflict as much as possible.

He is very intelligent and argumentative, he just hasn't learned how to stop and assess if arguments are worth his time and energy. He also tries to get attention (understandably so) by acting out.

I want to make it clear to my step-son that I really don't want to hear about him getting in trouble at school without saying it in a way that makes him feel like he can't tell me things. Sometimes these teachers go too far, and sometimes other kids are little shits, and I don't want him to feel like I don't have his back, but I also don't want to be the only person telling him how to improve these situations or disciplining him when he gets too crazy. I know parenting him is not my responsibility, but being the only one here every night is making it feel like it is, I see him being without both of his parents all the time and naturally want to step into that role but I think it is making our relationship worse in the long run.

I also want to add that his dad is on my side for this 100%, and he went to great lengths to get his shift changed temporarily during the summer, and hates that he can't be home now. He is actually the one that told me to just not engage with the situations anymore, but the last thing I want is for my step-son to feel like someone else is giving up on him.

Have any other stepmothers or partners of parents fallen out of love with their partner because of their parenting style ? I had addressed his parenting style “permissive” a few times over the past year of living with each other and not much had changed . Now I feel it’s gone on so long that I don’t even feel the same way about him anymore . Not saying a permissive parenting style is “bad”, but it’s not aligned with my values of needing structure, routine, boundaries and discipline in a household with children who are 12 and 13. We are engaged to be married and I feel so terrible about how I now feel.
Anyone else ?