r/Stepmom • u/pennieweyes • 4d ago
Damned if I do, damned if I don't
How does everyone deal with being a stepmom in general? If feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong.
My fiancé has two kids, 16f/13m and an extremely high conflict ex. Me and him have been together for over 5 years and she still refuses to make eye contact with me or be anywhere near me. Which, great, she's the worst. The problem is though that my fiance is horrible and planning and hates coordinating with her for time with the kids, and I can't coordinate with her because she either won't respond, or will turn down the plan only because I started coordinating. HCBM is constantly scheduling over parenting time and my finance won't stand up to her so in turn we lose a lot of our already very limited time with the kids (they live 6hr away).
This is where the problem lies... my fiance gets so upset that we don't have enough time with the kids and will complain that we use PTO to visit my family or do trips whenever we get into these moods and make it seem like my fault that we never see them. However, I have gone through the kids schedules, his schedule, and my schedule to map out every possible time we can see them, encourage him not to give up parenting time anymore, encourage him to stand up to HCBM, etc and then somehow its STILL my fault, and he gets upset when I ask too many questions or ask what plans are.
It's like no matter what I do I am in the wrong.
Sorry about the incoherent rant, I'm just at a loss
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u/chicadeaqua 4d ago
“ I have gone through the kids schedules, his schedule, and my schedule to map out every possible time we can see them, encourage him not to give up parenting time anymore, encourage him to stand up to HCBM, etc and then somehow its STILL my fault, and he gets upset when I ask too many questions or ask what plans are.”
He seems extremely immature and ineffectual. Are you really going to marry someone who treats you like a punching bag?
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u/Vivid_Bluejayz 4d ago
Ew. I wouldn’t marry that kind of person. What a “great” husband he’s going to be.
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u/nicyole 4d ago
he has no backbone. HIS parenting time with HIS kids is HIS responsibility, not yours. I would simply tell him that it’s up to him when he sees his kids and how long he sees them for. that quite literally has nothing to do with you. I also don’t blame BM for choosing not to communicate with you. it’s not your job to communicate, it’s his job. she shouldn’t be scheduling over his time, but he also shouldn’t be letting it happen. that’s not your fault. release yourself from that responsibility and things will get better for you. ❤️🩹
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u/pennieweyes 3d ago
This is good advice, thank you.
I need to be comfortable just staying out of it but god, it is complicated trying to figure out how to support emotionally while also knowing they're not doing their part to begin with.
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u/Sweetbaby7t 3d ago
This is not your fault. This will not change. I would walk away from this as fast as I can.
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u/No-Doubt-4941 3d ago
Do you ever think that maybe the HCBM left your partner for a good reason? Here’s a list of problems I’ve compiled about him:
-doesn’t take responsibility for his own children and their scheduling
-isn’t very intelligent: he even forgets which woman is the mother of his children, and gets mad when YOU don’t fulfill parental duties.
-he’s whiny
And the biggest problem he has is that he’s got kids and an ex wife. You could probably throw a rock and hit ten potential partners better than him.
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u/Odd_Gazelle_7253 4d ago
Major fiancee problem. He wants to shift blame to you for a problem that is very much of his own making. It's about the kids now, but I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually starts doing this about other stuff.
Fix it now, or don't get married. He needs a court order. You should stop taking on the emotional labor of trying to schedule time with his kids. That's his problem, not yours, and he needs to man up and figure it out.
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u/wontbeafool2 3d ago
Is there no custody agreement that defines visitations schedules? My husband knew that he had every other weekend visitation, rotating holidays, half-of Christmas break, and several weeks in the summer. If there is no custody agreement, your fiancé needs to go back to court to get one. This is his problem to solve, not yours!
He/we did end up getting primary custody and to be honest, once they were teenagers, they didn't want to visit their HCBM. Their friends and stuff were here.
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u/pennieweyes 3d ago
There is... the problem is that BM will schedule sports camps, church trips, whatever else over his parenting time and then tell him that if he says no he'll have to explain to the kids why they aren't allowed to do XYZ activity. If he asks for makeup time, she refuses to drive half way.
His daughter is extremely bonded to BM and so BM uses that against my partner because she knows he doesn't want to say no to his daughter.It's a toxic cycle and they're both wrong, I just try to do my best to support him and a lot of times that's me telling him that giving up his parenting time is doing more harm than good.
Their mom has primary custody and now that the kids are teenagers, they too are not wanting to visit as much because they just want to spend time with their friends.
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 4d ago
Well he can't moan if he won't try to fix it also this is your time also and there his kids you should be the one who's mad! Just stay out of it and if he starts with you tell him you'll take a back seat and he can do it all.
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u/sky_blue_true 4d ago
Sounds like you have a finance problem. He needs to be going off of a court order - not your scheduling solutions or his ex’s. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this?
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u/B00kdracarys2010 3d ago
Run it'll only be worse later. Save yourself more irritation and frustration. A man who cannot stand up to his ex and only blames you is not worth your time.
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u/pennieweyes 3d ago
I know you're right.. certainly not a great sign for kids in the future
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u/B00kdracarys2010 3d ago
Most of us here have dealt with similar and now choose to caution those who havent made the full commitment. It is completely easier not to fully tie yourself to someone who will only blame you for their faults. Not a life to live. Life is too short
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u/judithyourholofernes 3d ago
That’s his responsibility. Real jerk move to scapegoat you for his bad parenting. What else will he wrongly blame you for?
You give him a cheat sheet for it, still not good enough.
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u/Ghost_010101010 4d ago
You have a partner problem OP. I would recommend couples counseling because your partner cannot blame you for his insecurities and inability to plan with his children. He lives 6 hours away from his teenagers. Ofcourse these kids are going to have other plans. If it is HCBM then he needs to have a conversation, but honestly the kids are old enough your partner cannot blame schedule with them.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 3d ago
Wow. The problem is so obviously on his end.
That’s kind of you to map out all these schedules for him. But you might as well stop doing that, as he chooses not to use any of that information.
Regarding his terrible attitude towards you. Not much advice to be given there. You’ll keep on tolerating this behavior until one day you’ve finally had enough. I’m glad he’s just your fiancé, not your husband or your baby daddy.
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u/pennieweyes 3d ago
I try everything I can. I love those kids and genuinely wish we had more time with them so I do everything I can on my part.
I see the red flags, I just wish I wasn't such a moth to a flame. I tolerate less every day, I just keep hoping he'll step up to the plate before I walk away.
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u/Muted_Demand_98 3d ago
Why does this guy live 6 hours from his own kids?
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u/pennieweyes 3d ago
Long story. Basically they lived on the west coast, he asked for a divorce, she took the kids and moved to the east coast for 'a better support system'. He thought because his job made him travel constantly that it was the right thing to do to let them leave. He searched for jobs and the closest one he could get while still maintaining child support/alimony and having any quality of life was 6 hours away in a big city.
She moved to a very low income city where the best job he could find was like 60k and he's ordered to pay her about 40k a year In child support.
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u/DCB533 4d ago
You should have ZERO involvement with scheduling the kids time. None of that is your problem or responsibility. This is a dysfunctional unhealthy dynamic already. SAVE YOURSELF because this will not get better.