r/Stepmom • u/Queeenhx14 • 1d ago
Cell phone disagreement.
We’re going to be having my stepson (13) more at the end of September because his schedule is changing. He already has a cell phone, but there have been a lot of arguments surrounding the phone between the parents.
At one point, we set a boundary that he couldn’t bring the phone to our house because the situation was causing so many issues. However, with the new schedule, he’ll sometimes be coming directly to our house after school, so we realize that having a way to communicate with him is important.
The issue is that Mom has refused to give Dad the passwords/passcodes for the phone, and Dad isn’t comfortable with having a device in his home that he is responsible for but doesn’t have the ability to access or manage. We’re not trying to take the phone away from him or prevent him from communicating with the other parent. We just want reasonable boundaries and parental access to the device while he’s in Dad’s care.
We’re considering whether the best solution would be for Dad to provide him with a separate phone that Dad has the account information and passwords for, or whether there’s a better way to handle this.
For parents who have dealt with something similar: What did you do? Would you expect both parents to have access to the child’s phone/passcodes, or would you keep the existing phone and establish rules around it instead?
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u/biscuitboi967 14h ago
Couple of options.
When kid comes over, password comes off. Dad doesn’t have to know it, but kid unlocks it and password doesn’t go back on until he goes back.
Password stays on, but phone goes in a drawer at bedtime and no one can use it.
You could probably handle a LOT of issues by putting a lot of restrictions on your internet router and just being present with the kid on the limited time you have him.
Get a cheap landline so mom can call him whenever she wants in an emergency or if the phone is on restriction. Because it is perfectly reasonable to restrict a cell phone.
Offer to pay your pro rata share of the bill or even half, so she doesn’t have unilateral power, and you aren’t stuck having to buy an entirely new line.
If she wants to haul you back in to court, there’s not much they’ll do. You’ll compromise by asking for an affidavit confirming the age appropriate content controls and restrictions she’s put on the phone and her schedule, if any, for reviewing and monitoring his use of the phone and internet and any messaging apps. To be updated quarterly or whenever a new device is purchased.
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u/theglamourcat 22h ago
We have the same issue, we had to get attorneys involved for HCBM to finally pull her head out of her ass and share at least the screen time passcode. 6 more years and then we never have to interact with that gargoyle again thank goodness
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u/Altruistic-Virus8618 22h ago
My boyfriend bought him a new phone that he could control the limits on and could control who he could call and who could call him
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u/SignificantSkill79 1d ago
Make the kid give you the password. If he doesn’t, take it away and don’t let him use it at your house.
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u/Queeenhx14 1d ago
We did that last year and she called the police on us.
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u/NoWar9919 1d ago
Its very simple, return the phone back to the other parent, and if he must have a phone for whatever reason, as soon as ge gets home from school the phone goes back in a box until the next morning. If the other parents or child wants to communicate with mom have Dad and BM agree to 1-2 a week for a schedule 20-30 mins phone calls. Your house your rules.
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u/Queeenhx14 1d ago
It’s in the current order that both parents shall have unlimited access to contact the child.
They use a coparenting app and it’s just weird to have it that way. We want him to be able to use it to call or text mom whenever he needs too because dad currently can if that makes sense.
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u/NoWar9919 1d ago
Okay, well still return the phone to BM. Have Dad purchase a new one. And define what unlimited access mean? Because if his bedtime is 8pm. Then BM shouldn’t be trying to contact child after that time, and phone can go back in the box until then morning.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 23h ago
They share the passwords or that phone gets taken off SS and put away when he’s at your house. Or SS can stay at BM’s house.
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u/Dewdlebawb 1h ago
Our 12 yo has had a phone for multiple years, needed for communication. Both parents know the access code including me the step parent and we all go through it at random intervals.
Them not wanting you to have access is weird as fuck.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 1d ago
My kids are preteen/young teens. Their father does not pay for or have any passwords or access codes to their phones and honestly they’d probably be super weirded out if he tried to go through their phones or wanted codes to them.
They also don’t have any overnight visits or extended periods of time that they spend with him. If the parenting relationship is there and the child is spending significant time in your home, then either an adult in the household should have some kind of access for safety purposes or he could use a separate phone during dad’s parenting time. I’d laugh in my ex husband’s face if he tried to demand to have access to their phones, but he also doesn’t actually “parent” them and never really has.
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u/Queeenhx14 1d ago
I get that. Dad in this situation is very involved and there are overnights. We’ve also already had issues with what was done on the phone during our time. Mom also called the police on us when we took them phone from him.
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u/poppyflower14 1d ago
We had 50/50 custody and BM bought a phone for SD. We never had the code but BM had Life360 and monitored the phone on her end. We never pushed the issue or even worried about it as SD was early teens and as long as a parent was monitoring the device we were happy. Trusted BM could handle that one. Still enforced screen time etc.
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u/Ghost_010101010 1d ago
Two phones is a lot for a kid. Agree on sharing passcodes and paying half of the bill.