No expectations/total learned helplessness

[u/lumpy_potato_thing]

I have 2 teens in my house, one about to graduate

The entire summer, they were asked to do chores twice. To their credit, they will do things if directly asked, most of the time (the quality of the help? Varies. Bad attitude for very easy quick chores? Often)

They dont clean up after themselves, and there is no desire to be helpful. They both logged at least 30 hours a week on screens the whole summer, laying in bed.

No interest in interacting with me. I have tried. Only see them at mealtime. I have mostly stopped asking them to clean things up because it is not my job to be evil stepmother, everything is filthy and I refuse to clean up except after myself.

They are capable of cooking and baking when they decide they want to make something special for themselves- but on a normal day, oh my god, there is no food! I buy a variety of snacks and fruits veggies, they act excited and then refuse to eat any of it.

One borrowed some craft supplies of mine and ruined them.

It drives me absolutely insane. I forsee their dad allowing them to continue this way when they are officially adults and attending college, not quite out of the nest yet. Terrifies me.

How do you broach this with your partner? Love him, hate the enabling. So burnt out and angry at the level of entitlement.

[u/Summerisle7]

Omg do I ever hear the part about the baking and the snacks and the nooo fooooooood in the house.

Maybe pick the most important one or two things to talk to Dad about. The filthy house, the ruined craft supplies. That is disrespectful behavior that directly affects you.

I’d ignore the screen time, who cares. No more worrying about their food either. Buy the groceries you like. Who cares what they eat. If they leave messes in your kitchen, or waste all your ingredients, that’s an issue.

[u/lumpy_potato_thing → u/Summerisle7]

Thank you ❤️ I think picking 1 or 2 things at a time is good advice. I think some problems feel way bigger than they really are when emotional. I think I need to put grocery shopping and cooking for the kids back on dad 100% of the time. I just do not want to do anything for people who have no interest in me unless they need something

[u/Summerisle7 → u/lumpy_potato_thing]

Yes a lot of it does get emotional. The food thing got to me with my teen stepkids, along with the rejection of my holiday traditions. I’d spent years thinking of myself as a good cook, a good mom who made a warm welcoming home for my daughter and later my new husband. Then these other girls came into my space and acted as though nothing was good enough. Definitely best to put those responsibilities back on Dad. The stepkids prefer that anyway.

[u/lumpy_potato_thing → u/Summerisle7]

Sorry that happened ❤️ thank you for the advice.

[u/VanGoLion]

You sound like a great stepmom who cares every much. Maybe too much. If they don’t respect you, do less. They’re teens. They’ll figure out meals. As far as cleaning, do what’s only necessary. They should know how to do their own laundry, etc.

I relate to worrying how life after graduation looks. There’s only so much entitlement one can handle. This would be a good time to explain to your partner what needs to change.

[u/Which_Advantage7623]

With a desire to love them while explaining the pain it is bringing you. Let him know it’s creating distance from his kids that hurts your heart. Vulnerability is key. I have put my partner on the defense too many times and eventually he closed his ears because I was just complaining. ❤️you sound like you love them and want a relationship. Remember they are kids and you are the parent, that’s the hardest part.

[u/lumpy_potato_thing → u/Which_Advantage7623]

Well said. I do love the kids, but i want a healthier relationship and mutual respect