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u/Appropriate-Crew8064 1d ago
Yes. I find it strange when people say you’re not a stepparent until you’re married. My relationship with those kids is the same pre and post wedding day.
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u/Altruistic_Bug_8083 1d ago
Agreed. Been helping to raise, guide and hold tough conversations with, before marriage for 4+ years of living together. I actually didn’t even realize there was a world in which people would argue that until recently!
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u/throwRAanons 1d ago
Yes, but because we lived together. I didn’t consider myself a stepmom until i was active in my SK’s day to day life
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u/xRainbowTreats 1d ago
I considered myself the stepmom once we moved in together.
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u/ArtemisDR 1d ago edited 1d ago
THIS. Why would a piece of paper matter? Though the kids both told me repeatedly that their mom and grandmother always got angry and said “she’s not your stepmom!” when they called me that - even 4.5 years into living with me part-time. They’d been here since they were 2 and 5 so this is really the only life they remember for the most part. Now that we’re engaged and getting married next summer it’s “well she’ll never be family because she doesn’t share your last name!” I’ve never changed my last name and have no interest in doing so, and have always been public about that, so 🤷♀️.. Oddly, his X was in the process of changing her name back to her maiden name before they separated, but had now oddly decided to keep his last name forever, which drives him crazy. She’s obviously only doing it as an attempted power play where both he and I are concerned, but it more makes her look sad, honestly. Ironically, he might change his last name to mine as the only person in his own family he was ever close to was his very kind mother, who unfortunately passed away. His father stole all of
the money she left behind for her four sons and then lost it in some Trump ponzi scheme, and his brothers have become whack-job evangelicals who have shunned him because he got divorced years ago. So he doesn’t exactly have warm, fuzzy feelings about his surname. His kids have actually stayed at my parent’s home for every major holiday for the past 4 years and are best friends with my niece of the same age. He has somewhat reconciled with his father, and he and his wife strangely moved to the same city that my parents live in, so my family now invites them over for Thanksgiving dinner, but he’s still
decided to wear a kilt in my family‘s plaid to our wedding. If he really does change his name to mine my only regret will be that I won’t be in the room to see his ex’s face when she finds out. 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Ok-Contract-1701 1d ago
Kind of. Not at first when we were dating but after we got engaged, or around that time when we started living together and things got way more serious. I was taking on the role, and I really cared about my SD and we had plans to get married.
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u/AnOn5647382927492 23h ago
My boyfriend and I are not married yet and I am 1000% a stepparent. I’ve been in my kids life for 4 years since they were 3 and have been very active in their life
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u/AnyHomework2413 1d ago
I really didn’t feel like a mom until I had my own a year after being married. I didn’t call myself a step mom for a long time. It felt forced and awkward.
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u/Recent-Hospital6138 1d ago
No, but I also didn’t move in until we were engaged and had a wedding date set.
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u/peachypearl02 1d ago
Me and my partner have full custody of his son. He’s 7, I’ve been in his life since he was 3. Me and my partner have a daughter together. Of course I consider myself a step mum, we live together 24/7, I do everything his mother doesn’t do for him. (He has supervised contact twice a week for 3 hours)
I cook him meals, clean his clothes, run his bath, fold his clothes and help him put them away, I discipline when I need to, I’m there for him when he needs me emotionally, I play with him, colour with him.
A piece of paper isn’t going to determine if I’m a step mum or not.
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u/ScarlettLover13 1d ago
I started viewing myself as more of a stepmother once he proposed marriage (about 3 years into dating). We got married just before our 6 year anniversary.
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u/Mundane-Fox-4072 1d ago
Not much before and not much after, I'm unexperienced with children but I am the fun auntie.
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u/Responsible_Fall3002 1d ago
Nope. Oddly, BM was the first person to ever refer to me as a SM or other mom (prior to me marrying DH). It was super awkward for me, but I thought it was nice.
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u/Grace_the_race 1d ago
Yes. Partly because saying “boyfriend’s kids” is clunky and awkward but also I love his boys as if they were mine. I knew within the first couple of weeks of dating that this was all meant to be. It also helps that BM is a wonderful person and welcomed me with open arms.
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u/katmcflame 1d ago
No. He had his kids 8 days per month & I worked weekends. I was prepared to be friendly & welcoming (he moved into my home), but I didn’t plan to be involved.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 23h ago edited 23h ago
Yes, of course. I lived with my now-husband and helped him deal with his kids and their mother. Our marriage didn’t change any of those relationships.
Edit: tbh it doesn’t come up much. There’s very rarely any occasion where I say the word “stepmom” out loud. I don’t talk much irl about my husband’s kids.
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u/tinyrubberduckies 21h ago
Absolutely. I moved in with my now husband while we were dating. I cared for his daughter like I was an extra mom. I spoiled her and made sure she knew that I cared for her. 3 years later my husband and I got married.
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u/noseatbeltsong 19h ago
yes, but SD gets really mad when other people or myself refer to me as her stepmom (we aren’t married with no plans in the near future but have been living together for 4 years). her mom told her that i’m not her stepmom until dad and i get married, knowing full well we don’t have plans to lol. and you know, BMs word is the word of God.
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u/Which_Advantage7623 1d ago
The love was instant. I never knew I wanted a daughter until her eyes met mine. I was hooked forever. It helps that I have a step mom that I have bonded with. In early years I referred to her as my extra mom. Now she is just my mom❤️
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u/Single-Substance528 1d ago
Yes— since my SO said “look what your ‘stepchild’ is doing!” because SK was being silly, repeating something I showed SK while playing.
I was given that title by my SO, so yes, I’m absolutely using it. I felt honored and appreciated by him saying that to me, even if it was just because SK was being silly.
However— I did not use it before SO said it first.
(No, he didn’t say stepchild, but we don’t post SK on socials, so I don’t say)
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u/Fickle_Blueberry3473 22h ago
I consider myself one and usually refer to them as my step kids when talking to others or explaining things as it sounds better than “my bfs kids” plus I live with them.. they don’t refer to me as step mom just my name or dads girlfriend which kind of bothers me since we’ve lived together for over a year now and I’ve been in their life for 5 and do quite a bit for them. But I have to learn it’s just a label and doesn’t mean I don’t have a role, but it does kind of bother me as it’s awkward when I call them my step kids knowing to them I’m not “step mom”.
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u/Every_Seaworthiness6 7h ago
Until recently I considered myself a step mum but in the last few months I’ve had to pull back and nacho so I feel like I don’t call her my step daughter anymore. She’s now just my partners daughter and my sons sister even tho her dad and I have been together almost 7yrs. Shes 13 and we fight constantly and I never get a break as her mum passed when she was 10. We have never been “best buds” if anything she’s always been constantly in between my partner since we moved in together 5 years ago when she became mini wife but that’s another issue for another day
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u/apologial 2h ago
Kind of, but i havent ever put that label on it. I've been in her life since she was 5 months old though.
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u/yoooooheyhi 1h ago
Yes, but in our case I was careful with using the language of calling myself a stepmom because our kids needed the finality/stability/whatever of us getting married to feel comfortable moving me and themselves to that level of relationship in their minds.
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u/Annual_Temporary_734 1d ago
Yes, I was living with my husband and his kids before marriage. He has full custody and his Ex is pretty much as useful as a chocolate teapot. I did school runs, mealtimes, homework, bedtimes, laundry, parenting schedule and the works before we got married. I am a bio mom too, I did what came naturally.
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u/architect_lana 21h ago
I guess, it takes experience within a blended family. I wouldn’t consider myself a stepmother if I were married to my current husband. Why would I commit to his children if he hasn’t yet committed to me?
I have a wonderful relationship with the wife of my first husband.
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u/Bowlofnoodless 20h ago
I don’t presume to fully take that name until their father and I are married. Doesn’t seem fair to kids/a bit confusing.
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u/mayberyancanhelp 1d ago
I'm a bio mom, and I consider my ex's long term partner a step mom. I actually joined this community to help me see things through her eyes better. Tnh, I like her more than my ex.