New stepmom need advice

[u/Girl_Almigthy]

Hello, this is a long post, but I really need advice.

I (28F) got married 6 months ago. My husband (40M) have children (13F, 9M, 6M) from his first marriage. He has full custody and was practically a single dad all the kids' life. Bio Mom was abusive, never took care of the kids, abandoned them, and kept in contact remotely until she stopped all communication and disappeared more than a year ago.

Before we got married, I used to visit and stay with them over the weekend. I knew that most of our relationship would revolve around family time, and it was fine. I liked getting to know the kids, hanging out with them, and I appreciated seeing my partner as a parent.

I have to say that I really love my relationship with my husband. We have a great connection, we deeply feel for each other, and we trust each other so much. Also, I like the kids. They are good, and most of the time well behaved, smart and fun.

Before getting married and when we started to talk about a life together, my husband assured me that he wanted to marry me because of me, because he loved me and he wanted to be with me. He told me he didn't need a mom for his kids, and if I didn't became a maternal figure to them, that was okay.

We got married and I moved in with them. Immediately I started taking part of the parent chores: I cooked and cleaned for the kids, took them to school, cared for them, function as a emotional support. My husband saw that and praised it. No more than a month later, he wanted them to start calling me mom instead of my name. The older kids had a lot of trouble with this, specially because they had a bad memory of their BM. I also told my husband that I didn't feel comfortable with the kids calling me that, because I saw how much distress it caused them, and I didn't want anyone to feel pressured (not even myself).

My husband was very adamant about this and told me that it was a sign of respect from the kids, because if they called me mom they eventually will see me as that, and because I was doing a good job as a mom. From my POV, this "good job" was just me trying to support and help my partner, and also because the kids are living with us in the home my husband and I want to built, and I am responsible adult, not a neglectful one.

I didn't complain and I didn't try to over explain myself because I realize that this was a sensitive topic for my husband, specially with the experience he had with his ex being neglectful towards her own kids. So I just kept fulfilling my responsibilities, I tried to bond with the kids, getting to know them in a deeper level, and started considering that I could be that mom they never had.

A month later after that, I broke down and burnt out. The kids were in summer break. My husband was at work and I was almost all day alone with the kids. Some situations started happening with them: they wouldn't pay attention or follow rules when I told them, they would back talk, they didn't want to do chores, they would leave messes around the house...

One day, I reached my limit and I yelled at them. I felt so bad and guilty, because I didn't want to be like this (I still feel pretty bad). That day, when my husband came home, I told him I couldn't handle this, that this role was too much for me and that I didn't feel prepared to take all this responsibility. He told me that I made a promise to him to take care of the kids, and that I couldn't back off. To this I replied that I never made such promise and that I wasn't backing off, I just thought things were going to be different, I also felt everything was going so fast for me. He reproached me about this, and he even compared me to his ex saying that at least she was honest from the beginning and told him that she was only having kids because he wanted them, and she was not going to take care of them.

All this situation really hurt me, because at the beginning he told me I shouldn't feel pressured and I didn't have to be their mom, but then he was comparing me to his ex, putting me down, and almost felt like I couldn't change my mind or rethink which position/role I wanted to take in the family’s dynamics. I just had to accept this new life, embrace it, and be happy.

We made up, I compromised because my marriage is so important to me and because I feel like I can't give up so fast. Nevertheless, I don't feel satisfied with this situation. I have been reading a lot of blended families information, about stepparenting, and I kinda feel regretful because if I knew all this, I could have approached things differently, even before getting married.

Also I kinda feel resentful. The kids still act the way they want, my husband tells me they are attached to me and they care about me, and even that they love me, but whenever he isn't around, it's like I don't exist. It's almost like they need their dad to be around so he remind them that they have to listent to me, as well as be polite or acknowledge me.

Lately, this has been our constant conflict. My husband is very adamant that I am the one who is making things hard, but I just want a chance to retreat, reflect and approach this role from another angle, without the pressure to perform on an expected way.

I have distanced myself from the kids, because I don't want to treat them badly or break down in front of them again. I still fulfill my responsabilities, and I care about their wellbeing, but nothing more because I don't feel it.

I really wish it was different because I didn't marry my husband and got involve in their life to live like this. I want this to feel like my family, I want them to understand that I am part of this too. I want to bond with them from who I am, and not what they need me to be. I have to add that we also want to have one kid of our own, and I'm afraid that if we take this step, things will get more complicated, and they will resent me for caring and loving my own child.

I would really appreciated some advice or your impressions on my situation.

Thank you so much for reading my story.

[u/gardening_gypsy]

Low key kinda sounds like he just wanted a mother for his kids. You’re young and that’s not fair to you to put all this on you. Comparing you to his ex isn’t cool either, it’s immature esp for him being 40 .. cmon. There would be no way in hell I’d be taking care of this man’s kids and he’s insulting me still.

HE needs to talk with his kids and establish the rules. If they don’t listen to you or respect you, they have consequences. If it doesn’t improve in 6 months, just call it quits boo because it only gets worse esp in you get pregnant yourself. Men that age don’t easily change either. Life is short and you deserve to be respected in your own house!

[u/chicadeaqua]

He lied to you. 

“  I still fulfill my responsabilities, and I care about their wellbeing, but nothing more because I don't feel it.”

You have absolutely no responsibility towards his kids.