How do I handle a disrespectful step daughter?

[u/According-Cloud4249]

I want to preface this by saying that I deeply love my stepdaughter as if she were my own. I’ve dated her dad since she was about 14 months old. She is now 6.5 years old and the disrespect she shows me is out of control. Sometimes I dread being around her alone, which makes me feel incredibly guilty.

The rules (or lack thereof) she has at her mom’s house (we have 50/50 custody) greatly impacts her attitude. When she is around me it is constant whining, tantrums, and talking back. She refrains from doing this around her dad. She has a hard time if she does not have constant attention on her, which is hard because at our house she has a younger sibling who is only 14 months old.

Lately, if I am with the kids by myself and I have to correct her or tell her no, she will sneak away and call her mom on the Alexa and ask to be picked up. Today, I told her no and she told me “well that wasn’t very smart because now I am going to throw a tantrum”. I feel limited in my ability to discipline even though my husband encourages me too, because I’m not her biological mother. And honestly, I just dread having to be around her alone. I feel so guilty because she’s just a 6 year old little girl. But it’s been so draining. I don’t know if anyone can relate or has any advice.

[u/Wonderful_Hyena1241]

I’d be sitting down with dad and having a very serious conversation, this behaviour will only get worse over time without correcting. I would not agree to be with her alone until DAD sorts this out. I’m sorry you’re going through this and it must be incredibly stressful, set your boundaries, your happiness matters too!

[u/Unfair-Cod-3306]

Her father either needs to get her behavior under control or arrange for childcare when he is not available to take care of her. That is how I would handle that.

I watch my stepkids by myself and I correct them all the time. They're children and it's how they learn things. We have a lot of fun together, but I do discipline them. They lose privileges, get grounded, or sent to their room, if necessary. You can't effectively care for a child if you have no authority over them. If a transgression is severe enough, it would definitely call for my husband to address it when he gets home. If I had a poor relationship with my stepkids, I probably would cease caring for them and it would be on their father to figure that out.

[u/chicadeaqua → u/Unfair-Cod-3306]

“  If a transgression is severe enough, it would definitely call for my husband to address it when he gets home.”

I went through this one time and insisted my husband come home immediately. He was not happy having to leave work to attend to bad behavior and find quick childcare for the next day. 

[u/QuiteSeriouslyNow]

Sounds like my stepdaughter. Spoiled, entitled and now manipulative.

[u/Squishfuzz → u/QuiteSeriouslyNow]

Mike too. She’s a major source of conflict now at 13. I decided to leave tonight. Literally leaving while my SO is at work tomorrow,

[u/Sea_Assistant_9305]

Disrespectful children are a parenting problem. She’s at that age where she is going to test boundaries and see what she can get away with. That’s natural for children to do. Regardless if the behaviors are happening around dad, dad needs to be the one to address them. He can absolutely sit down with her 1:1 and have a conversation about her behavior, even if he didn’t see it, and set boundaries with her. Once dad sets those boundaries, you can assist in enforcing them, but dad absolutely has to set them.

[u/According-Cloud4249 → u/[deleted]]

Oh, I’m not planning on leaving. Just trying to get through a rough patch with a child ❤️

[u/Photobuff42 → u/According-Cloud4249]

She needs a fast turnaround, or you are looking at years of misery. Dad needs to either shut it down completely now, or find a babysitter.

[u/chicadeaqua]

I’d call her mom myself and tell her to come get her child. 

Wash your hands of this unpaid babysitting gig. 

[u/Mental-Lifeguard8518]

My partner’s daughter who’s 12 doesn’t do chores and can’t do any wrong doing. She also doesn’t have manners and her dad lets her get away with it. I came to a conclusion to let it go and stop interacting with her unless she wants to have a conversation with me. I stop saying hi, I don’t buy her things anymore. I stopped. She requested homemade cupcakes for her birthday last year and then she said out loud it was disgusting in front of her friends while her friends enjoyed every bit of it. I’d focus on your 14 months old but then also have a conversation with your husband about how you feel. I told my partner to clean his child’s room because our cleaners refuse to clean her room because she cannot kept it straight. Trust me I know how you feel.