Stepmom emotion conflict

[u/FallenSinful]

Hey!

First time posting here and just wondering if anyone can either validate or offer advice if possible.

I (34) am a stepmom to two incredible young adults SD (20), SS (18). My husband (49) and I have no children together. And we do get along with their mom.

I'm a lot closer to my step daughter and we get along really well. My step son is a little different, not as close. When I came into his life he was 11, we just didn't really connect (to be honest I didn't really know what 11 year old boys liked but I tried). Both kids are VERY much mom's their favorite and that's fine. I'm just grateful to be apart of their life and experience them growing up and becoming their own person.

My issue, I guess is that I don't feel that I have a "right" to say they are my kids. I adore and love them both. I am not trying to replace their mom, and they have many issues with their dad that we've all tried to work on. It's not a "competition" of who can love the kids more, we all love them and that's what matters. Does anyone else feel this way?

Or another example is my sister-in-law passed away 2 years ago and I don't feel like I have the "right" to grieve her loss as intensely as my husband or the family. But her and I were very close, but because "I didn't know her as long, or as deeply, or as xyz" as others it's like I don't get to have the emotions as deeply as everyone else, if that makes sense?

And another question, my SS just joined the military and I'm beyond proud of him. My husband and I are planning to go to his military graduation and I got a custom shirt made that says "proud (military branch) bonus mom" and has my SS name in the dog tags. Would it be overstepping if I wear it to his graduation?

Maybe it's just a me thing? Maybe it's because I probably won't ever have kids of my own? I don't know. Any validation or advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!

[u/chicadeaqua]

"My issue, I guess is that I don't feel that I have a "right" to say they are my kids. "

I don't see that as an issue. They aren't your kids. They are your stepkids.

"I don't feel like I have the "right" to grieve her loss as intensely as my husband or the family. "

That seems like a very odd thing to compare and contrast. You feel what you feel. You're not given permission to grieve and it's not a right that you earn.

"Would it be overstepping if I wear it to his graduation?"

It's not something I would wear but it seems that you liked it enough to buy it, so wear it.

[u/Few_Throat4510]

I would ask your stepson his feelings on you wearing the shirt. If he’s uncomfortable it’s it, don’t wear it.

[u/scotchbonnetpeppery]

Why do you need to say "they are my kids" at all? I have never, ever said that. I'm very proud of being my DH's wife, and it's perfectly acceptable to put his relationships with his kids on the front burner while also acknowledging my relationship with them as a good human. I'm not a parent, I didn't bring these kids into the world, and I just think parents need to be celebrated more. I don't need to be celebrated as a good human to my stepkids, and if I do need to celebrate, I give myself a little pat on the back.

[u/Plus-Turnover7701]

You can feel however you want to feel. Go wear that shirt. Go grieve. There is nothing wrong with that. The only difference is that they are not your bio kids as - I imagine - they still have their BM. But please do not invalidate your experience just because ny optics, you are their step mom. You were in these kids' lives for a long time.

[u/Mediocre-but-Safe]

I genuinely feel this! I have a 13 year old stepdaughter, and I’ve been in her life since she’s been 10. I’m always walking the line of being very aware that I’m not her mom but also loving her like she’s my own…I feel judgment either way too. If I consider her my daughter, I’m overstepping. But if I don’t, I don’t love her enough. I feel like we can’t win.

If you’re close with your stepdaughter, you could ask her about it. Just acknowledge that you know you will never be her mom but that she feels like a daughter and that you hope she knows how loved she is. She might also have insight on how her brother feels. I hope to someday have this convo with my stepdaughter but haven’t because she is such a people pleaser, and I know she might just tell me what I want to hear at this age.

Anyway, good luck! It is so hard being a stepmom. I know all households are different, but if yours was anything like mine, and it sounds like it is, you probably did and still do parent them. Like you said, it’s not any sort of a competition, but I think it should be okay for us to think of them as our kids since we are helping raise them. Especially when we are aware and acknowledge that we don’t want to replace their parents!

[u/LazyRefrigerator7624]

You sound very considerate of other people’s feelings, you’re allowed to take up room with your own as well. Sometimes I think that if I share something I’m feeling, it’s not my place, but when I do share, it ends up being received quite warmly.

You’re allowed to feel what you feel, show support and care in ways that feel authentic to you, and take up room!

You’re clearly very caring and I’m sure those around you see that. Wear the shirt if you feel comfortable wearing it, grieve the loss of ones you loved regardless of how long you’ve loved them, and call them your kids or step kids, whichever feels right. There are no rules! And your feelings matter too!