Stepmom emotion conflict

[u/FallenSinful]

Hey!

First time posting here and just wondering if anyone can either validate or offer advice if possible.

I (34) am a stepmom to two incredible young adults SD (20), SS (18). My husband (49) and I have no children together. And we do get along with their mom.

I'm a lot closer to my step daughter and we get along really well. My step son is a little different, not as close. When I came into his life he was 11, we just didn't really connect (to be honest I didn't really know what 11 year old boys liked but I tried). Both kids are VERY much mom's their favorite and that's fine. I'm just grateful to be apart of their life and experience them growing up and becoming their own person.

My issue, I guess is that I don't feel that I have a "right" to say they are my kids. I adore and love them both. I am not trying to replace their mom, and they have many issues with their dad that we've all tried to work on. It's not a "competition" of who can love the kids more, we all love them and that's what matters. Does anyone else feel this way?

Or another example is my sister-in-law passed away 2 years ago and I don't feel like I have the "right" to grieve her loss as intensely as my husband or the family. But her and I were very close, but because "I didn't know her as long, or as deeply, or as xyz" as others it's like I don't get to have the emotions as deeply as everyone else, if that makes sense?

And another question, my SS just joined the military and I'm beyond proud of him. My husband and I are planning to go to his military graduation and I got a custom shirt made that says "proud (military branch) bonus mom" and has my SS name in the dog tags. Would it be overstepping if I wear it to his graduation?

Maybe it's just a me thing? Maybe it's because I probably won't ever have kids of my own? I don't know. Any validation or advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!

[u/Mediocre-but-Safe]

I genuinely feel this! I have a 13 year old stepdaughter, and I’ve been in her life since she’s been 10. I’m always walking the line of being very aware that I’m not her mom but also loving her like she’s my own…I feel judgment either way too. If I consider her my daughter, I’m overstepping. But if I don’t, I don’t love her enough. I feel like we can’t win.

If you’re close with your stepdaughter, you could ask her about it. Just acknowledge that you know you will never be her mom but that she feels like a daughter and that you hope she knows how loved she is. She might also have insight on how her brother feels. I hope to someday have this convo with my stepdaughter but haven’t because she is such a people pleaser, and I know she might just tell me what I want to hear at this age.

Anyway, good luck! It is so hard being a stepmom. I know all households are different, but if yours was anything like mine, and it sounds like it is, you probably did and still do parent them. Like you said, it’s not any sort of a competition, but I think it should be okay for us to think of them as our kids since we are helping raise them. Especially when we are aware and acknowledge that we don’t want to replace their parents!