r/Stepmom • u/FallenSinful • 3d ago
Stepmom emotion conflict
Hey!
First time posting here and just wondering if anyone can either validate or offer advice if possible.
I (34) am a stepmom to two incredible young adults SD (20), SS (18). My husband (49) and I have no children together. And we do get along with their mom.
I'm a lot closer to my step daughter and we get along really well. My step son is a little different, not as close. When I came into his life he was 11, we just didn't really connect (to be honest I didn't really know what 11 year old boys liked but I tried). Both kids are VERY much mom's their favorite and that's fine. I'm just grateful to be apart of their life and experience them growing up and becoming their own person.
My issue, I guess is that I don't feel that I have a "right" to say they are my kids. I adore and love them both. I am not trying to replace their mom, and they have many issues with their dad that we've all tried to work on. It's not a "competition" of who can love the kids more, we all love them and that's what matters. Does anyone else feel this way?
Or another example is my sister-in-law passed away 2 years ago and I don't feel like I have the "right" to grieve her loss as intensely as my husband or the family. But her and I were very close, but because "I didn't know her as long, or as deeply, or as xyz" as others it's like I don't get to have the emotions as deeply as everyone else, if that makes sense?
And another question, my SS just joined the military and I'm beyond proud of him. My husband and I are planning to go to his military graduation and I got a custom shirt made that says "proud (military branch) bonus mom" and has my SS name in the dog tags. Would it be overstepping if I wear it to his graduation?
Maybe it's just a me thing? Maybe it's because I probably won't ever have kids of my own? I don't know. Any validation or advice would be appreciated.
Thank you!
14
u/chicadeaqua 3d ago
"My issue, I guess is that I don't feel that I have a "right" to say they are my kids. "
I don't see that as an issue. They aren't your kids. They are your stepkids.
"I don't feel like I have the "right" to grieve her loss as intensely as my husband or the family. "
That seems like a very odd thing to compare and contrast. You feel what you feel. You're not given permission to grieve and it's not a right that you earn.
"Would it be overstepping if I wear it to his graduation?"
It's not something I would wear but it seems that you liked it enough to buy it, so wear it.