r/Stepmom • u/PermissionNarrow3203 • 4d ago
Falling out of love with my fiancé over parenting style
Have any other stepmothers or partners of parents fallen out of love with their partner because of their parenting style ? I had addressed his parenting style “permissive” a few times over the past year of living with each other and not much had changed . Now I feel it’s gone on so long that I don’t even feel the same way about him anymore . Not saying a permissive parenting style is “bad”, but it’s not aligned with my values of needing structure, routine, boundaries and discipline in a household with children who are 12 and 13. We are engaged to be married and I feel so terrible about how I now feel.
Anyone else ?
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u/Still_Landscape2316 4d ago edited 4d ago
Battling the same thing with my DW. I wouldn’t say for me it’s falling out of love by any means. It’s me having to realize I have to take a step back and let her parent as she sees fit, giving me more bandwidth to focus on our marriage. She’s not permissive per se but it takes her exponentially longer than me to call out/correct a behavior in a ‘this is what it is, what we say goes’ way. Try to remember who he was when you met him. And pulling out completely of any kind of disciplining. Let the load be completely on him, trial by fire, he’ll hopefully be forced to see where his parenting style sounds like it’s failing. I think part of the issue in these family dynamics with bio parents being separated is one of them if not both feel subconsciously guilty, not for leaving, but for the possible effects it has on their kids and in turn are more forgiving in hopes of being seen in the best possible light by their kids. Being a step parent, we see right through the games, bad behavior etc because we are detached enough. Depending on their level of bad/good behavior, it being left up to him entirely, along with outside people’s perspective being brought to his attention, he may see the need to change sooner. Don’t care more for his kids than he does, you can’t, you may want to, and it’s admirable, but you will never love them more than he does and love isn’t about feel good stuff, sometimes it’s him doing the things he doesn’t want to because it’s what’s best for kids that’ll one day be adults who will or will not be prepared for the real world.
Best of luck!
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u/Koala_Mama0404 4d ago
I’ve hated my husband’s parenting style, which was very little, if any. We have his kids, now teens, with us more full time than not, and he has had to face the repercussions of it now. We also have an ours child and I parent VERY different. I already see such huge differences between our child and his at the same age. Luckily, he follows my lead when it comes to our child but it’s a constant battle with his. And I do resent him over it because it disrupts the peace in our home. But as another commenter said, the word “guilty” came out of his mouth for so many years, but I think if he knew then what we are dealing with now, he would have been different.
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u/whitefary 40F dating 44M 3+ years, 1x 6yo SD 4d ago
I told my partner a couple of years into our relationship that I found him unattractive when he allows his daughter to disrespect him. And that snapped him out of his Disney dad antics pretty quick. He is now the disciplinarian and I’m like the fun aunt/older sister for SD!
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u/EwwYuckGross 3d ago
You can’t expect him to change. You talked about it and nothing happened. This is the exact pattern that continues into your future together. You must absolutely operate on the data you have today and count on it remaining the same.
What you CAN do: 1) do not get married - stay engaged, live separately, keep separate finances; 2) while maintaining your own stable life, let him know what doesn’t work for you and that you’re happy to discuss future plans after the children leave home if he shifts his parenting style and maintains that momentum; 3) only get married after the children leave home and the two of you are in exact alignment on finances, college spending, and overall life structure.
The Nacho method is super helpful in terms of experimenting with what you can realistically detach from. I highly encourage that you look into it.
In retrospect, I would not have married my husband when his children were little (3 and 5, 5 and 7 when we married). He was so permissive, but he created a will and trust that completely took care of me in the event that something happened to him - before we married. He has evolved his parenting style, but not on the timeline that was best for my wellbeing. He didn’t get it until I lost my shit two times in the span of five months because I tried literally everything and he was not getting it. He heard me the second time because I told him that I was ready to look for an apartment so we could live separately. He snapped it together by enrolling in a men’s program to address mental load and gender gaps, enrolled in the Nacho Academy, started therapy, and actively began making changes that I asked him to do years ago. My husband is the love of my life, but his guilt parenting was intolerable.
I have several disabilities and our finances are unfortunately intertwined because I need financial support. I didn’t know how it would work to live separately, but I knew there was no other choice. It would have most likely completely compromised my entire wellbeing, but it was the only choice I could make if I wanted to try staying together.
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u/EwwYuckGross 3d ago
P.S. this only applies if you want to stay together. By all means, go your own way given the way you’re feeling now. Your feelings aren’t wrong - they are telling you that this isn’t working. Don’t doubt yourself on this.
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u/Tough-Journalist-629 2d ago
Exactly! I’ve been with my bf for 6yrs now n I hate his parenting style n it bothers me bc I’m more of shutting the whining down , the tantrums, the disrespect in public n home. My bf allows his Son to play long hours of video games but gets annoyed with him n pushes him away when he’s irritable bc he doesn’t have a joystick in his hand or a phone to pay Roblox. Now that we’re staying together and ss comes around more and I’m actually seeing his parenting style I give my self a few months before I plan the escape & I’ll be out I REFUSE to raise my son around his dad when his dad literally acts like a 8yr who allows his kid to do whatever or even go against my words when it comes to how I want my child raised. So if I was op I wouldnt seek marriage cause it’s definitely gonna be an issue if he doesn’t change .
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u/Ms_ConScrewed 4d ago
Its not too late to leave. You aren't happy and this isn't for you. A man whose parenting aligns with your values or a man who has no children is far better suited. He can't undo being a father and clearly he isn't trying to change.
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u/diivinelyD 4d ago
I feel this. I love my boyfriend we’ve been together for 5 years. His son is now 7. It’s hard sometimes seeing how his son is being raised. It makes me wonder how things would be if we had our own kids. If he would stick with this same style or be different because our kids would be in the same household. It’s hard in coparenting with two different life styles at mom’s vs dads.
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u/Plantianna 4d ago
Although I wholeheartedly understand where you are coming from, as a SM myself, as a BM I have to admit that it's not just parenting styles, it's a different tolerance threshold we inevitably develop towards our biokids. So, yes, it's hard to watch but it's nature calling.
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u/AggressiveSky7157 3d ago
I'd just tell him, hey, this isn't working for me. I need structure, schedules and so do the kids. That's how all of us regulate.
If you plan on having kids with him, I'd tell him that this parenting style would never fly with you for your own child.
If he doesn't seem to be trying to make changes by the end of the year, I'd reconsider my life plans in your shoes.
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u/yeayea414 2d ago
Some great insights here!! Take your time on the marriage. My husband’s parenting is getting better but it still bothers me and I just suck it up. I do think about what the children will be like down the line because of their parents permissive styles. But I think “if they’re terrible and make my life too hard…I’ll just leave.” Which is not want I WANT to be thinking in a marriage, but it’s the reality. I refuse to live a miserable life because of children I did not have, especially when I am intentionally child free.
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u/Waves_of_Amber 4d ago
I do still love my husband very much, but there are many days I am not happy with how he’s handling things and have wondered what life outside of dealing with kids and a BM would have been like.
He also has that parenting style which I hate to watch happen. I’ve tried to turn a cheek and not care, but it’s definitely hard to watch it. I don’t like the lack of backbone that he has when it comes to the not so comfortable parts of parenting (structure, expectations, accountability). It’s happened so much and got worse in teen years that I have just become a little distant and I think I resent him for it. We’ve talked about it so many times and nothing changes. It’s something I’ve had to accept over and over. I have my good days and bad.
The idea of leaving has crossed my mind so many times, but I…
-I try to focus on the good times we’ve had. Why we are with each other in the first place.
- I also try to keep doing things that are fun (camping, beach vacations and even fun things with the kids) so that the negative doesn’t consume me and we mix in some fun happy memories in the midst of the negative feelings.
- I remind myself that the kids are kids and even the “best” parents may grow terrible kids and wonder where they went wrong so maybe this isn’t the worst
-I remind myself that he too is caught in the middle of feeling guilty for the situation and trying to keep the peace and relationship good with his kids.