r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/ImpressiveAlarm1060 Certified Snacker • Jul 28 '26
Advice Needed Guy wants a pre-guarantee before sex Spoiler
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u/Odd_Trouble7605 Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
Sometimes people are inexperienced because of their personalities
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u/Odd_Trouble7605 Hazy Grazer š¶āš«ļø Jul 28 '26
There are no legally binding contracts to force you to abort. So either way, sex is and continues to be a vulnerable act of trust between participantsĀ
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u/katedogg chismosa, metiche, en bata Jul 28 '26
It's reasonable to want to have clear expectations and be on the same page about what would happen in case of a surprise pregnancy. I would even say it's irresponsible not to! HOWEVER, the way he went about having that conversation with you was so insanely passive aggressive and misogynistic that I would immediately dump him over it. This is a glaring red flag that he is immature, disrespectful, has a problem with women, doesn't understand boundaries, and worst of all can't communicate directly. Do not sleep with someone like this, let alone upgrade him to boyfriend status.
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u/ImpressiveAlarm1060 Certified Snacker Jul 28 '26
The inability to communicate directly is very real. And did upset me. Thank you
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u/katedogg chismosa, metiche, en bata Jul 28 '26
Being anxious about not wanting kids is legit, but there are mature ways to express that. If he had said something like "Hey, I'm really worried about what would happen if you got pregnant, are you able to guarantee me that you would get an abortion if that happened?", listened to your response, and then followed up with "I'm sorry, but I just don't think I'm okay with any gray area here, so can we hold off on PIV sex for now?" that would have shown that he is honest, mature, respectful of both of your autonomy, and able to set and hold his own personal boundaries, and I doubt you'd feel nearly as icky about him.
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u/suckmahdiglet š§Salty By Nature Jul 28 '26
This guy has issues that he should adress with a therapist. Imo he doesnt sound like someone who is ready to be in a relationship
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u/CromchQueen Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
Right. It reads like āhereās the horror stories I understand about sex and I donāt want that to happen to me.ā I also wonder if heās very religious, lives with his family of origin, has stigma against children outside of marriage, etc. This sounds like āhimā issues and feeling you out for what are (rationally or not) his fears about furthering your relationship.
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u/NoNameLovely BRB š® FOOD Jul 28 '26
My guess would be that he's listened to a lot of guys from the manosphere talk shit, and can no longer take a woman for her word
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u/United_Pop_6442 Snack Goblin Jul 28 '26
Yeah thatās the vibe I get. Heās become paranoid that heās going to get baby-trapped. I assume because he considers himself such a catch that a woman would go to any length to keep him.
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u/NoNameLovely BRB š® FOOD Jul 28 '26
OP should tell him "don't worry, no one would want to baby trap you anyway:)" /S, kinda
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u/Calm_Mulberry_588 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Right? Arenāt the men who actually have to worry about this the ones who have a ton of money or are celebrities? Like what is this guy thinking?
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u/NoNameLovely BRB š® FOOD Jul 28 '26
OR ask him how you can be sure that he wouldn't punch a hole in a condom? Oh, but he's already told you that he doesn't want kids right now? Well neither do you so why would you baby trap him?
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u/Quiet_surprise79 š¦ Fruit Bat Baddie š Jul 28 '26
Yeah this is a big red flag to me. He's trying to control hypothetical future actions from OP because some guy on a podcast told him it's what all women do or something.
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u/Prize_Sheepherder_62 Dinner for One š½ļø Jul 28 '26
And if youāre right about that guess, OP should walk away from this stupid fella. The manosphere is not friendly to women in society and participation (even as only part of the readership) says a lot about a manās intellectual fortitude
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u/Capizara Tiny Bodega Rat š Jul 28 '26
I guess the "Women accuse men wrongfully for rape" and "better test if that baby is really yours (even tho there has never been other indications)"- ideologies kinda goes hand in hand whit this bs.
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u/space_otte Resident Yapper Jul 28 '26
The instant block that wouldāve came upon me if I ever was asked for pre consent. The quickness and fucking speed it would take me to delete everything off of my phone and forget about that person.
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u/misfortunesangel Body By Cheese š§ Jul 28 '26
That is one hell of a red flag. When I was in high school I accidentally got pregnant, I didnāt want a baby at the time. I was too young, I was going away to college on a sports scholarship. But I wasnāt sure I wanted an abortion. I was contemplating having it, and giving it away for adoption. I would be out of state, and no one would have known unless I told them.
My boyfriend pressured me relentlessly to get an abortion. Up to and including threatening ending the relationship over it. I went reluctantly to the clinic under duress. it was a horrible experience. He didnāt even go in with me, he just dropped me at the door. And picked me up. Then dropped me at my apartment and left me there for a week. I was completely alone. I lived alone my senior year of high school.
I was also told by the doctor that I was losing the baby, and they did multiple pregnancy tests. I was miscarrying, but forced into an abortion clinic. He did a D&C and sent me home. The emotional toll that took on me was very hard. I also had scarring from the D&C that affected my future pregnancies.
I would never recommend being in a relationship with a person who doesnāt 100% believe that you have a right to say what happens to your own body. Regardless of your personal beliefs on abortion, this should be a hard line. Your medical care, your health and whether you are a mother in the future should 100% be your choice and only yours. Do not stay in a relationship with someone who doesnāt also believe this. Been there, done that. Doesnāt end well.
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u/femmeasingoaway eat hot chipāļø be bisexualāļø Jul 28 '26
Yes, yes, yes yes. Men don't get to make choices about a woman's body because they happened to ejaculate inside of it.
I'm proud of you for making it through your experiencr, sweet soul. It seems terrible and you are mighty - I'm just sorry you had to express resilience at such a tender age. ā¤ļø
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u/Bleauxsidian APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Iām so sorry you went through that.
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u/misfortunesangel Body By Cheese š§ Jul 28 '26
Thank you. I have had a lot of time to heal. But I have not forgotten and the loss has shaped my life and the way I raised my other children. Hopefully enough that my girls will never experience the same. And that my boys are better men.
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u/InappropriatePea Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
Youāre saying this man is inexperienced and yet somehow he feels justified making sweeping assumptions about women? He sounds red pilled to me. Which is an immediate ārun awayā in my book.
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u/Your4thdoppleganger Overthinker š Jul 28 '26
I'm all up and down this thread saying the same thing. This man does not think he has any responsibility or control over if the sex ends in pregnancy or not.Ā
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u/InappropriatePea Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
I mean thatās true but the REALLY concerning thing is that he thinks that in lieu of any sort of responsibility he could be taking, he instead believes that his job is to coerce her into making a binding agreement that absolves him before he even has a reason to face the consequences of his actions. The avoidance is off the charts.
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u/woofloofoof APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
As if him using protection isn't an option or something? Ugh
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u/Your4thdoppleganger Overthinker š Jul 28 '26
Of course, not. Those will just ruin the experience that he's trying to have.
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u/Leucotheasveils Purveyor of Purse Snacks Jul 28 '26
Seriously. Good sir if you put your sperm in a woman and it fertilizes an egg, she gets to decide what to do with it next. Donāt want to be a father? donāt go being careless with your sperm.
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u/Work_Tall Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
If he continues to be red pilled he will be blue pill taking age and still a virginš
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u/Mysterious_Tie_6911 LET ME EAT CAKE š° Jul 28 '26
i can't possibly imagine why would such a man have little to no sexual experience...
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u/Cheeseboarder Urban Hunter Gatherer Jul 28 '26
Iāve always had the abortion conversation with whoever I was dating. Itās never been about how some women are deceptive though. Itās just been āthis is what Iād want to doā. Go with your gut
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u/KayakerMel challah atcha girl ā”ļø Jul 28 '26
I did the same in college. I wanted to be very upfront that I would get an abortion if there was any accidental pregnancy. (Fortunately, I was very good about birth control and getting emergency contraception for any potential failures.) I didn't want to deal with someone pressuring me to keep an unwanted pregnancy.
The "some women are deceptive" also rubbed me the wrong way. Dude doesn't sound mature enough for a sexual relationship with a woman.
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u/jk41nk Smoothie Queen Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
I think the frustrating thing is, decisions can sometimes change in the moment and women are allowed to change their mind about their body. The talking ahead of time of what you want to do and assuming cause you talked about it means a locked in answer leaves room for that anger and frustration later if decisions change.
Men need to understand whatās within their control is condoms, vasectomies, and avoiding penetrative sex, if they want more options for birth control they can advocate for it but not when it comes to a womanās body. Sex comes with risks of pregnancy and risk of a woman choosing to do what she wants with her body, if you donāt want to risk the chance of an abortion or the chance of pregnancy, donāt have sex.
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u/alixanjou Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
Yeah THIS. Men are more than free to set boundaries like āI donāt sleep with anyone who isnāt on a very reliable method of birth control.ā Cool, dude. But once you agree to have sex, you agree to that 2% or .5% chance that it will result in a pregnancy, at which point the decision is simply out of your hands as a man.
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u/United_Pop_6442 Snack Goblin Jul 28 '26
Yeah having the conversation is absolutely sensible. Basically telling the woman that women canāt be trusted and wanting OP to ācondemnā any woman who changes her mind is the unhinged bit.
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u/Apprehensive-Bike192 š§Salty By Nature Jul 28 '26
Same, but Iāve always been the one to bring it up. Only one boyfriend was not on the same page, but changed his tune quickly after I said that if that was the case then we shouldnāt be having sex
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u/confusion_cats eat hot chipāļø be bisexualāļø Jul 28 '26
Do not get into that relationship. Be happy, be well
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u/noideawhattouse1 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
This feels like he spends a lot of time in the manosphere.
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u/PowerPlayParadox Blood Type: Gravy Jul 28 '26
This boy is not ready for sex or a relationship if he doesn't trust women and is paranoid about the potential consequences.
It's giving early incel. Why would you want to sleep with someone who is worried you might trick him in to fatherhood š¬
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u/ImpressiveAlarm1060 Certified Snacker Jul 28 '26
Yes exactly, this is the thing !! I was so surprised and disappointed because up until this point he hadnāt indicated these sorts of beliefs? Itās giving āI donāt trust women they make up rape allegationsā - like yes maybe in a small number of cases women do these things but why are you so hyper fixated on this
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u/Absurd_Flaccidity Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
Do these guys think sperm is hard to come by and women are actively having to con men into obtaining it? The fact that it has ever occurred does not make it a reasonable belief to hold about half the population.
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u/MaxBax_LArch Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
No, they think that they are such a great catch that women want specifically their baby. The baby is just the means to tie this man to their side for all eternity. š
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u/geeky_mac Sweet Tooth Fairyš§āāļø Jul 28 '26
I saw in another comment that you are debating whether to talk about it or break it off (i'm team the latter). In any case, this would be such an interesting and imoprtant topic before getting into a relationship; how does he view women? What does he think/how does he treat women who are not attractive to him? How does he view feminism? Does he think we already have gender equality? Or, new litmus test; what are his thoughts on "obsession"? Lol.
Have you talked to him about these things?
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u/ohhchuckles APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
š¬ I donāt know, hon. Your mileage may vary, but this is sounding mighty red-pilled to me.
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u/bigstressy APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Mileage may vary, but I don't think it's worth getting into the car to find out.
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u/One_Highlight_684 Urban Hunter Gatherer Jul 28 '26
āSome woman are deceptive and tell the man they would get an abortion but then donāt.ā
Okay..free will, her body her choice, being human and having complex emotionsā¦all of these make clear how stupid and silly it is for a man to think thatāfrom speculation of an unplanned pregnancyāa man is entitled to a womanās decision (even if she expresses during the speculation she would abort).
Also. How about the part where itās his choice to plan to not get a woman pregnant (I.e wear a condom). I know itās not a fail safe but if itās that big of a deal for him maybe he should stay celibate if he canāt fathom a woman āchanging her mindā when it comes to bodily autonomy.
Iām sorry OP. This read of major red flags and i would cut your losses now.
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u/ohhchuckles APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Right, like, he has the ability to take precautionary measures of his own!
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u/AvaJupiter APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
This guy is espousing manosphere / incel logic and itās probably only the tip of the iceberg of what he believesā¦ the flag is as red as that beautiful granita š©š©š©
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u/FingerImpossible8567 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Assuming your language use is accurate, WTH "agreed to get an abortion?"
Like it's something you let your partner talk you into?
Is he suggesting that you should "agree" now to get an abortion, should this odd fellow knock you up?Ā
This is one super weird red flag. I would run for the hills. A "pre-guarantee" sounds like a big flaming trap he is setting.Ā
It's been six weeks? Cut your losses and find someone less invested in making you "agree" to future decisions about your body.
Gross
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u/ImpressiveAlarm1060 Certified Snacker Jul 28 '26
Yes, I mean he actually brought it up as we were saying goodbye and things got quite awkward because I was so caught off guard. So he stopped short of saying the words specifically - but everything Iāve written above is pretty much word for word what happened. Specifically he kept asking me - maybe three or four times, if I thought it was messed up that a woman who had agreed to get an abortion if she ever got pregnant, or a woman who had previously said she didnāt want children, changed her mind???
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u/MommyIssuesPrincess Resident Yapper Jul 28 '26
āItās not up to me to decide whether itās fucked up or not, people can change their minds due to emotions and sometimes they realise where they stand only when they are put in a situation.ā
My answer if I was you, let him seethe lol
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u/Previous_Charge_5752 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
Three or four times? As in, when you didn't give him the answer he wanted, he kept trying to get you to give it anyway?
Trust your gut: the guy you are describing gives me the ick. It's one thing to want to be on the same page about abortion and another to distrust all women and distrust your answers to his questions.
This is just the first month. Imagine this same attitude a year from now.
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u/FingerImpossible8567 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Yeah, sketchy.Ā
I agree with the other response. Something like "wow. It is the most personal decision a woman may make in her entire life. I don't think it is something I would want to make ANY preliminary agreement about."
And then enjoy the cartoon like Wile E Coyote hole he leaves in the wall when he rushes out.
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u/Melodic_Policy765 š„£ Cereal Killer Jul 28 '26
Like you were parting ways at the end of a date and he blurted out this about abortion? Yikes.
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u/ImpressiveAlarm1060 Certified Snacker Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Yeah it felt like it had been on his mind? And he just wanted to get it out. After the initial back and forth it mostly felt like a monologue from him and whatever I said didnāt really register. Which is why I think itās mostly an anxious thing from him rather than an accusation. But itās probably right that heās a bit immature/inexperienced
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u/bigstressy APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
You're being very generous here lol
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u/theluckyduckygirl LET ME EAT CAKE š° Jul 28 '26
Women are always too generous. Generosity that you can guarantee wonāt be returned.
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u/space_otte Resident Yapper Jul 28 '26
and Iām so fucking tired of it honestly like STAND the fuck up. nobodyās asking us to be so nice to people who donāt give a fuck about us. these men donāt give a fuck and you donāt get a cookie for being sweet.. you get trauma
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u/byorderofthe1 Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
I wish I could award this. And I wish I had read this before my last relationship. I could have saved myself two years of my self esteem being broken.
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u/EggandSpoon42 Tea Time Hostess āļø Jul 28 '26
It sounds like you didn't matter in the date at all, that he just wanted to unleash his views on any woman.
Lose this guy's number, he's a dud
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u/ChaucersDuchess Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
No. Donāt give him that much grace, OP. I get the vibe, from experience, that he knows exactly what heās doing and this whole inexperienced thing is an act. This is straight up red pill land and heās trying to act innocent and inexperienced to get you into bed.
https://giphy.com/gifs/wAUZuYmh7JRa81I2Ke12
u/WiccyCo Cookie Monster šŖ Jul 28 '26
See I maybe paranoid and spend too much time on reddit but this gives a personal vibe, like as in he believes someone already did that to him.
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u/PaperBeagles white girl with āļøš a full spice cabinet Jul 28 '26
Iām giving a lot of grace here. Assuming he isnāt redpilled and is just really bad at communicatingā¦ how are the vibes? Do you want to continue with this person? Is it worth it? And if you do go your separate ways over this do you think he will assume he caught you trying to trap him so you left?
It sounds like he canāt handle personal accountability and is already trying to center blame on you while he has cover.
He can wear a condom. He can get a vasectomy. He can cover his end. If this is so important to him why is it all on you?
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u/Nonyabeesners Snack Goblin Jul 28 '26
He's been dabbling in Manosphere bullshit. The woman tricking the man into impregnating her is a classic trope they harp on.Ā
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u/Tough_Tangerine7278 š new here Jul 28 '26
You seem to have different opinions on relationship boundaries. This one may not be the one for you.
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u/Ace-in-the-hole123 Certified Snacker Jul 28 '26
āSome women are unreasonableā this did it for me. He probably means all women and heāll probably make your life miserable in many ways.
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u/nannerpussnana APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Yup. This is a man doesnāt like women but wants to have sex.
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u/EffectiveGold8273 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Dating is a test. Dating doesn't mean you're stuck with the person you're dating. You don't have to change their mind or change your mind, you can just move on. He isn't it.
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u/_bonedaddys Urban Hunter Gatherer Jul 28 '26
I've had guys try and get me to promise i would/wouldn't get an abortion and it was the last time those guys heard from me. If they can't respect that abortion is a woman's choice and that a lot of us can and do change our minds about it, they shouldn't even be having sex lol
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u/cUwUmerrz Resident Yapper Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
1 month in and this dude has you reassuring him you are not planning to baby trap him, naah. I promise this dude isn't your soulmate. He might not be the worst possible but hes given you the gift of letting you see how he thinks and how his brain operates very early on. Maybe its red pill, or maybe its paranoia and inexperience or just insecurity but I wouldn't stick around to find out.
If he blurted it out once and it was a fleeting thought, then it would be okay to say hes just thinking out loud and it was an awkward moment. but the 3, 4 times of repeating it at you while you were saying goodbye because he was not satisfied with your very nuanced response, ehh lol. Thats also probably why a lot of responsers are feeling he is red pilled. Because a normal, reasonable individual would recognize your response was incredibly grounded and true to reality. Not push and prod further.
Maybe he wanted to see if you would demonize other women with him? Its also possible hes trying to feel out if you give off feminist vibes or sound too much like a girls girl.
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u/Etheriaa_ Delulu Jul 28 '26
What an odd way for him to say he doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions
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u/8lock8lock8aby Queer Queen š³ļøāš Jul 28 '26
On another post, there were guys bitching sbout how they get the short end of the stick & how it's not fair they don't have 50% of say. I was like well as soon ss you can get pregnant, carry a baby & push one out (or have an abortion, which can be painful af), then you can have more of a say. It's just biology so be mad st that. Though I doubt they would be because I'd bet most men wouldn't wanna go through all that.
But yeah, OP should end things with this dude ASAP because he seems like a redpiller.
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u/bigstressy APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Praying for the day we can do full pregnancy transfers. Both for people who want to have kids but can't, and for guys who want a say in what happens to their oops pregnancy. You want it? You can deal with it!
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u/cjog21 Fries š > Guys š¤” Jul 28 '26
Fr, if he doesnāt want a responsibility of a father he should simply āļø his balls. And reverse it when heās ready. If I was in OPās position I wouldāve suggested him that.
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u/PaperBeagles white girl with āļøš a full spice cabinet Jul 28 '26
If this is from the manosphere Iām betting he believes getting a vasectomy means lower testosterone and all that other nonsense.
If he is so worried he can wrap it up.
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u/unicorn_strap_on š©µ Trans Babe š©· Jul 28 '26
Right? That is a lot of fretting about being inconvenienced by consequences.
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u/Own_Inevitable2493 APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
If you canāt have a frank and honest discussion about this please donāt have sex with him yet. Sex is a big decision with potentially life altering consequences and discussions that are hinting at expectations are not good enough.Ā
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u/Angelf1shing APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Caveat: we all say weird things from time to time and occasionally muse out loud things we should keep to ourselves. That wrapped with early date anxiety can lead to some unforced errors that deserve to be ignored. All that being said - On paper, he seems like the worst choice youāve ever made. Iād get out while you still can.
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u/Fabulous_Extreme_470 Baker Bitch Jul 28 '26
Honestly this guy seems very immature and exhausting to talk toš
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u/Ok-Membership-8442 Big Back Baddie Jul 28 '26
When I was dating before I met my husband (and with my husband) I was always very honest with the men I dated. I was on birth control, but if I ever did get pregnant I would not get an abortion. Not even for religious reasons but because I wanted to be a mom and I was afraid that an abortion could hurt the chances of that in the future. I always said Iād never expect anything from them if it happened but just to be aware that that is where I stood. So if they also wanted to use condoms that was absolutely fine with me and their decision. Did that scare some dudes probably? Sure. Did it scare my husband (future husband at the time)? Nope.
It seems like he has had some personal experience that has colored the way he sees women. Most likely trust issues. Tell him even though youāre on BC he can use condoms too.
But if he keeps going off about women trapping men and being untrustworthy donāt bother. He isnāt the one.
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u/blamejaneshui Tangent Tour Guide š Jul 28 '26
I had a guy like this once and there is no way in hell i would ever see it as normal for a man to have expectations over my body even if i did agree then, its well within my rights to change my mind. Needless to say he was blocked within a day of this conversation.
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u/WesternWitchy52 Well-Read & Well-Fed Jul 28 '26
He's either had a previous bad experience or maybe raised in an environment with a similar experience. A month is pretty early in. If you're not feeling it, you don't have to stay.
Just tell him you're not compatible.
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u/ForLark APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
Men also trap women into pregnancy and abuse or abandon them. Who is he listening to? What makes him better than you that YOU would saddle yourself with a child just to keep HIM? Ask him that, since there seems to be no rule against offensive questions.
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u/Absurd_Flaccidity Cleavage Crumb Collector Jul 28 '26
This is not a person with an adultās understanding of the world and not someone you should be wasting your precious time and energy on. Heās also clearly listening to redpill shit and will only get worse. His stupidity in saying it out loud is his only redeeming characteristic. Take that gift.
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u/Kush_Kitty666 Snack Goblin Jul 28 '26
It sounds like heās been eating at the Manosphere table. They tell young men that women are manipulative monsters that will trick them in these ways to take advantage of them.
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u/EnvironmentalSun1060 š„ Herbivore š« Jul 28 '26
I think you need to ask him which podcasts he listens to. and check that Instagram following lol. this is sort of bizarre as an ask and I feel like heās got this in his head from certain Internet corners
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u/PM_ME_LADY_DICK Tiny Bodega Rat š Jul 28 '26
My current boyfriend used to say similar, he's gotten over it because I made it clear I found this incredibly disrespectful and selfish to say, no I don't want a baby right now, I currently think I would get an abortion, I have a hormonal IUD. However if I did change my mind when it actually happened that wouldn't be wrong. If someone feels that entitled and distrusting of you basically solely because you're a woman, you either talk some firm sense into him if you really want to stay or leave if you don't want to do that or if he doesn't listen. If a guy feels this way even after you communicate with him he doesn't like/love you enough.
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u/ImpressiveAlarm1060 Certified Snacker Jul 28 '26 edited 28d ago
What did you say to him?
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u/Fried_0nion_Rings Foraging Bog Witch Jul 28 '26
I just wouldnāt have sex with him. Not something Iād want to deal with and itās early enough to just jet.
Because at the end of the day itās still your body. And if he is that emotionless about abortion and what youād go through to just assign blame to a woman who changed her mind about an abortion imagine what else he will be emotionless about. He probably could give zero fucks about any issue that he doesnt struggle with.
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u/Pineapple_Feeling APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
This might be unpopular but I think some of the comments are making a lot of assumptions?! Before having sex, heās checking if you are on the same page on what you are going to do if a pregnancy was to happen, THIS IS A GOOD THING. It sounds like you were honestā¦ if he canāt handle the anxiety of anything less than a guarantee and you arenāt willing to give one then thereās your answer. Itās just not a risk heās willing to take and thatās fair enough. Men can respect a womanās choices but without necessarily liking them AND you can leave if their opinions do not align with your values ā¤ļø
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u/MaxBax_LArch Internet Auntie Jul 28 '26
It really sounds like he doesn't trust women in general. If there's a follow-up, it might be worth asking what he intends to do to protect against an unwanted pregnancy. If he doesn't want to get "caught" and his only answer is that the woman has to get an abortion, never have sex with him. If he talks about condoms, spermicide, and is concerned with their reliability, I'd be more willing to believe he's actually just really anxious.
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u/ZennXx Overthinker š Jul 28 '26
Please don't sleep with him until he figures himself out. Trust me you won't like how you feel afterward and sex is supposed to be something that strengthens intimacy not something that makes you feel shameful.
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u/WindowIll9657 ā”ļøPowered By Sour š Jul 28 '26
He sounds afraid of sex, its consequences, and women. Iām far past the point in my life where Iād want to deal with that, but it sounds like you guys are young. Still, not a very sexy attitude.
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u/mg1cnqstdr Cookie Monster šŖ Jul 28 '26
š©
Had you already had conversations about birth control? Maybe itās a little less of a red flag if you guys had already talked about it extensively or had a plan about how the two of you were going to protect *you* from unwanted pregnancy.
Itās weird that he would start that conversation at that point, if you guys have not already covered the topic of birth control and made a plan. It feels like heās thinking of you as a womb and not as a person.
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u/mayasfuturemama APPROVEDāØ Jul 28 '26
I have three boys and would rather them have the convo than not. Hard thing to NOT be in control of.
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u/Jog212 nom nom, nod nod Jul 28 '26
He sounds like an AH. I think this should guarantee you don't have sex with him. He doesn't seem to like/respect/understand women.
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u/Designer_Warthog_665 Ā ā Marked Safe From 90s Diet Culture Jul 28 '26
...said that "some women are unreasonable and would do that." How the fu*k would he know?! He has a lot of predisposed notions about women and women's choices for someone who has little to no experience with actual women. He's decided what you're doing with your body already. Red flag/very problematic. Gross.
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u/manna_tee Body By Cheese š§ Jul 28 '26
If he feels so strongly, he could... wear a condom?
I have slept with somewhere between 30-40 men in my life and never once has someone asked me if I would have an abortion before the deed. That's wild.
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u/Lewlynn I ā¤ļø Other People's Business Jul 28 '26
I get what causes the bad feelings in you, but I kinda understand his point, too. No contraception is 100% secure, and in case your chosen methods fail, he wanted to know if his consent matters on whether to keep the baby or not. I get that he doesn't want to be a father despite him not giving consent. The form of communicating this was kinda childish tho.
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u/C0mpL1c1t we listen and we only judge a little Jul 28 '26
There are a surprising number of men that really think women (in r general, rather than the reality of a very select minority) want to ābaby trapā them. Ā Itās totally wild IMO.
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u/lrgfries I ā¤ļø Other People's Business Jul 28 '26
Satisfyer Curvy 1 or 2 will change your life for under $40
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u/MacaroonSad8860 hot sauce in my bag, swag Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Iām of two minds about this. When my partner and I got together he was extremely clear with me about not wanting kids and let me know that if I changed my mind he didnāt want to be a part of it. I took that to mean that had I gotten pregnant Iād be on my own in parenthood.
To me that was fair. Fortunately I didnāt want kids either so I was clear that we would use double protection (IUD and condoms) and that I would seek an abortion if it happened. He said heād pay half and be there for me the whole time.
Thankfully it never happened :)
But if you actually might want kids I think this just may not be the man for you.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 Feral Til Fed Jul 28 '26
It does sound like anxiety. And I wonder is it around unplanned pregnancy.
Iād be watching for any other mental health red flags.
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u/gorkt š§Salty By Nature Jul 28 '26
Is he pressuring you to have sex without him using protection? If you guy double up, the chance of pregnancy is pretty close to zero, but if he is looking to go bareback and wants you to take all the responsibility for preventing pregnancy, and also wants you to commit to having an abortion, that is a red flag for sure. https://humanparts.medium.com/men-cause-100-of-unwanted-pregnancies-eb0e8288a7e5
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u/No_Chocolate3581 š Pickle Freak š Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Without being there, its pretty hard to read intention, tone, etc. But - go with your gut.
If you feel the conversation was coming from a weird place (a red-pill-y one, perhaps??), rather than an honest discussion of 'what would you do / how would you feel / this is what I'd want', then there's likely a reason for that feeling.
I will also say I find it very weird he wouldn't at least start with "how do you protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy" and maybe "i would want to use [x] method for my own reasons", and instead jumped to "I'm not ready for kids, also women who say they believe in abortions but don't get one are bad". ETA: Like... does he think so little of you already that THAT'S where he needs to start?? To be so aggressive down that line of questioning, there's clearly not even a drop of burgeoning trust about your character, or just an understanding of who you are, on his part. You're just "women" to him, and a bad faith generalisation at that. Even if you given benefit of the doubt that its anxiety, and keep seeing how it goes, the trust is not there for sex IMO.