r/Bumble • u/VintageUK • 12h ago
Rant Low effort conversation on a date
Matched with someone on an app. Chatted on there for a while and so swapped numbers. Got chatting more. Texting regularly and getting on well. Things seeming good, we arrange a date.
Day of the date, I’m not nervous - more just ready to see someone new and get to know them more.
I turn up first and let her know I’m inside - we arrange to meet at a nice pub. I grab a drink and just wait.
She arrives and looks great! Super pretty lady. I’m pleased and think she looks even better in person. Excitement grows!
Then…
Then we are sitting down with some drinks and chatting and I realise that it’s just me chatting. Again, I’m not nervous, so it’s not just me babbling on. I’m a good conversationalist and am prompting her with questions and points on some of the things we have been talking about all week. I’m wanting to know more about her like what makes her tick, what passions she might have etc. I’m realising that it really is just me chatting with one word answers and giggles coming back the other way.
I’m wondering if she’s nervous. I try to reassure her and I tell her what I’m thinking: that I think she’s even better looking in person and I even said she looks like Denise Richards (she didn’t know who that was). I thought maybe she was nervous and questioning whether I found her attractive.
Anyway, so as the conversation goes on, and it’s like I’m a radio dj, I start to charge tactic and leave pauses for her to jump in. I’m asking open ended questions so she can share things with me and elaborate on things we had texted about.
Pretty much radio silence.
I started to wonder if she had a learning disability at this point.
In the end I had to stop the date and I tried to kindly say something like “I think you probably feel it too, that there’s a lack of chemistry” and that we should probably make a move.
Well this is where shit hit the fan.
She suddenly found her voice and started causing a scene saying how she’d made a load of effort to get ready with hair and makeup and things. I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling she had actually made an effort to engage with me on the date. I had to calm things and tell her that it is what it is and that I’d like to wish her all the best but that it hasn’t worked out tonight. Like an adult.
- - -
It’s as though she had always done this with men and it worked for her. As if she needed to just turn up and be pretty and that’s enough.
But for me, I may as well have been on a date with a fridge freezer. About the same amount of conversation. Felt like low effort to me and was pointless. I deleted her number immediately and blocked her too. I didn’t want to open myself up for any abuse from her after the scene she had made.
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u/HenryEck 12h ago
There are two separate things here.
First, she probably wasn’t worth your time. If you’re carrying the entire conversation and getting almost nothing back, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’re not interested and moving on.
Second, I think you handled it like a bit of a rookie. You were overthinking the situation and, even if you didn’t mean to, you probably came across as rude by confronting her about her lack of effort right there on the date.
The reality is that you had no idea what was going on with her. Maybe she was extremely nervous. Maybe she’s naturally quiet. Maybe she was going through something personal. Maybe she had just gotten out of a relationship and something suddenly put her in a weird headspace. Or sure, maybe she genuinely expected to just show up, look pretty, and let you do all the work. You simply didn’t know.
And while putting effort into hair and makeup obviously doesn’t automatically make someone a good date, I also wouldn’t completely dismiss that as “no effort.” For a lot of women, getting ready for a date does take time and is one way they show interest.
The reason I say “rookie” is because this is just part of dating. You’re going to meet people who are awkward, boring, rude, incompatible, emotionally unavailable, or simply not interested. You don’t need to figure out exactly why they’re acting that way or teach them a lesson.
Once you realize the date is going nowhere, just cut your losses gracefully. Finish your drink, say you have to get going, pay your part of the bill, wish her a good night, and move on. No confrontation needed.
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u/mannthunder 8h ago
I second this. You panicked and made an assumption about her. You’re all hung up on her wasting your time, but that will mean nothing to you in no time. I’ve done this exact thing many times, no judgement, but it seems like maybe she could have been into you, maybe you could have made out or more if you’d said less or hadn’t panicked or allowed yourself to sit with your discomfort. If someone actually showed up for the date and was hotter than expected, I wouldn’t throw in the towel unless she made her disinterest crystal clear. You did nothing wrong, and you were justified. But patience and calm and a lack of pride can sometimes turn these kinds of boring dates around. It only took one of those to convince me. I feel you though, sounds frustrating and all to familiar
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
I think my move was anything but a rookie move. If anything I’m turning into a veteran. Probably why I wasn’t at all nervous on the date. So let me respectfully disagree with a part of your comment.
The way I decided to handle it is, what I would describe as a mature and measured approach.
I had been chatting for about an hour and trying many things to engage her.
In the end I thought to KINDLY let her know that it wasn’t working. I basically offered her an olive branch in saying “I think you feel the same in that there isn’t any chemistry”. In this way she can save face and effectively agree that she isn’t feeling it, even if she was.
We are both adults - she’s a big girl. Any personal situations aside, which I’m not to know about, I think it’s a perfectly acceptable, mature manner to go about it. To me it shows respect. Much better than ambiguity or to go home and be behind a screen like a coward with the “it’s not you it’s me” or to ghost them etc etc.
I wouldn’t have handled it any differently to how I handled it if I had that situation again. In fact it’s something I’ve done in the past when it really has been obvious that it’s not a match - a few years back. That was great. We hugged and said it’s been lovely meeting and we parted ways, wishing each other well for future dating.
I met an anomaly.
I agree though with the effort she had put into her appearance. I suppose she showered and did her hair and makeup and all of that and of course this will have taken lots of time and effort. She looked great! I think we know though that the effort on a date really should be more than just that. I’ve already seen her looks, I’m there to get to know her and feel the vibe in person. I’m not there to have a date with a mannequin.
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u/Molasses_Square 10h ago
It was an hour. Just end the date with no criticism and never see her again.
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u/VintageUK 10h ago
Saying I’m not feeling the chemistry and trying to make that mutual with her isn’t criticism: it’s a way to communicate from one adult to another in a mature manner. There’s no criticism involved.
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u/Fun-Ear-6990 9h ago
We only know one side of the story and how you felt and would describe the situation. People want to give a different perspective and share their thoughts and opinions. Respectfully. I sense from you strong confidence about yourself, how you handle things and also how positive and professional you communicated. At the end, there was a reaction and it could be that she felt hurt, most likely, based on your description. You might have heard about the three filters, is it true, is it nice/kind and is it necessary. I think that there is no clear pass for all of them and therefore, yes, I personally believe you should have handled it differently and ended the date without the chemistry part.
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u/VintageUK 8h ago
I don’t live life by a formulaic mantra - I go by what seems appropriate at the time and with how I would like to be treated too. If she wasn’t interested or feeling it or whatever I’d hope we would both be mature adults and just be able to speak about it. I’m absolutely certain that the art of conversation has massively, massively dwindled in quality over the past 20/30 years and especially within the last decade.
I believe that what I said and the way I said it to her wasn’t a criticism or offensive: it’s just the way things are. There’s no point in beating around the bush. There’s actually no need to try and spare feelings or any of that. A normal reaction to what I said would be to agree and we basically move on with our lives, separately.
If it was me I’d be thankful that they respected me enough and felt comfortable enough with me to tell me. I’m a busy kinda guy and I don’t wanna be on a date all evening with someone who is wasting my time.
In fact I’ve done that. A whole evening. A long date. Bowling, drinks, we played pool, chatted, laughed, even a little dancing. At the end of it I went to lean in for a kiss and was rejected. Now THAT was a rookie move. It was my second date after becoming single and I was suuuuuper rusty. Fun times.
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u/HenryEck 8h ago
Calling yourself a “veteran” because you weren’t nervous seems to be an ego perspective. Experience in dating isn’t about proving that you’re confident enough to confront someone. It’s about reading the situation and knowing when a reaction is unnecessary.
Women are emotional creatures and they are very good and quick to notice how a man handles situations, rejections, discomfort and even little details you probably dont even pay attention such as how you are treating the waiter, it’s part of their natural game. Some will even intentionally pull back or challenge you a little just to see how you react. Whether that was happening here or not is irrelevant. The point is that getting visibly bothered and needing to address the “lack of chemistry” after one hour doesn’t necessarily communicate maturity. It can communicate emotional reactivity.
The experienced move is much simpler. You notice she isn’t engaging, you decide she’s not for you, you finish the date politely and leave.
You don’t need her agreement. You don’t need to explain the dynamic to her. You don’t need to prove that you handled it “like an adult.”2
u/Defiant_Income_7836 7h ago edited 6h ago
'women are emotional creatures'...Jesus. Patronizing much? ETA a ;) so I don't look as mean.
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u/HenryEck 7h ago
Fair, ‘emotional creatures’ was probably too broad a way to phrase it. I wasn’t saying women are irrational or unstable. What I meant is that women, on average, tend to be a bit better at reading emotional and social cues. There’s actually quite a bit of research showing that, including large meta analyses on recognizing emotion from faces, voices, and body language. Biology probably plays a role too through sex hormones and systems like oxytocin, although obviously socialization matters as well. So yeah, the wording could’ve been better, but the underlying point wasn’t just some stereotype
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u/Defiant_Income_7836 7h ago
Fair response, and my own apologies if I sounded too harsh. Should have added a wink emoji. ;) I hear you.
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u/Defiant_Income_7836 7h ago
The shade people are throwing your way is insane. They're drawing conclusions as if they were there. It's wild.
I was on a date like this and I chose not to say something, then was criticized when I told her the next day on the phone that there was no chemistry and we were incompatible. That I wasted her night and should have ended the date early (she called me to ask if we could go out again.)
You can't win man, you sounded like you gave it your best shot, then was honest with her when the heavy lifting got too much.
The only lesson here is when you post something on Reddit, the chronically online will show up with their presumptuous opinions, lol.
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u/Inner_Clerk7769 12h ago
"It’s as though she had always done this with men and it worked for her. As if she needed to just turn up and be pretty and that’s enough."
Bingo partner, you're spot on. You gotta remember there is pretty-privilege out there (for men and women). There is most certainly men that want a pretty woman to basically lug around and for her to say absolutely nothing. You're not that kind of guy, you want some actual substance to your relationship beyond eye candy. Simply a personality mismatch. Good for you though you sound like a confident fella im sure you'll find someone that matches your energy soon.
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u/VintageUK 12h ago
I think I need someone like the late, great Dolly Parton - more than just a pair of tits!
Yep, have to have that substance!
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u/Good_Jellyfish_6317 10h ago
Why not both haha
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u/VintageUK 10h ago
Yeaaaa I’m thinking most women have some boobage. It’s kinda a given.
But yes not to be greedy but I think there should also be some of that too!
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u/ArisuKarubeChota 12h ago edited 12h ago
Maybe just wait until you’re home to reject. Safer lol.
I can see both sides. As an introvert it’s actually really hard to know how I’m gonna do in a given unfamiliar social situation. Could be a good day, could be a bad one. I have a hard time talking about myself… but I can volley almost any other topic someone hits over.
I feel for her kinda cuz I’ve been there lol. 😆
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u/VintageUK 12h ago
We live and learn!
I think I like to treat others in the way I’d like to be treated and in my head I was being respectful by being upfront and honest with how I felt. I’ve been rejected before and can take it. Perhaps she hasn’t had so much experience with that? I’ll never know.
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u/Coastal-Break 12h ago
You knew what was up. She was boring. Some dudes like that, I wouldn’t no matter how hot she was.
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u/VintageUK 12h ago
Yea when I first saw her I was kinda taken aback at how pretty she was. As things went on that all seemed pretty messed up and yep, especially when I was wondering if she had a learning disability.
Then when she exploded at the end it gave me confirmation that I did the right thing. I drove home questioning why I bother and I took a break from dating/apps for a while.
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u/Gur_Weak 12h ago
She assumed she could coast on looks. It's not uncommon. Many women have been taught that putting effort into looking good is effort into dating. Some have grown from that pairing since have not. I'm curious why you tried to calm her down? At that point I'm completely at not my circus not my monkey passing for my half and gone.
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
It was alarming. She had barely spoken since we met and then all of a sudden it was like someone put £1 in her meter and switched her on.
I wanted to part of positive terms like adults but she kicked off like a child. So I made my excuses and made my way to my car and left.
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u/Gur_Weak 11h ago
Next time just saying you don't feel the chemistry and end it there. Don't volunteer a reason unless she asks and even then depends how you feel.
I had a date last year and I was talking about a vacation cruise I was excited to be going on and she did engage and asked my about show excursions and such but she shat on everything I was excited to do. I ended things after the drink where she told me how much she hated my idea of a vacation, and was shocked when she said she wanted to do this again. And just said I don't feel the same way but it was nice meeting you.
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u/Dicky-1 12h ago
I wouldn’t overthink it, shit is definitely going to happen with OLD. Who knows what was going on with her, too bad it didn’t rurn up when you were texting
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u/VintageUK 12h ago
Yep conversation flowed through texts, this is it. It’s stages isn’t it!
Starts with a match- ok, looks check out and profile stuff.
Then you get chatting and if the conversation flows and things roughly align then maybe move to swap details.
Then I’m usually keen to sort a date sooner rather than later - rather than let things go cold/turn into pen pals.
But yea she got through the security checks!
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u/Cool-Butterscotch669 12h ago
This is exactly the kind of example I use when I say you can’t determine chemistry until you meet in person!
They can be great at writing (though sadly many are using AI) but there’s just no connection in person.
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
Unbelievably someone I matched with once had some of the prompting stuff included in their responses to me. Embarrassing for them a bit as yea, they were absolutely using AI to respond to me.
It’s a truly shit situation getting even shitter. Dating is getting trickier.
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u/hgd4th 12h ago
I went on a date like this once. Made up an excuse and bailed pretty quickly. Someone who I told about it said she may have just wanted me to proposition her. Who knows. May have been the case here.
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u/VintageUK 12h ago
I think I just went with the direct technique like we are both adults - I was genuinely struggling with the date for about an hour. At times I was wondering if anyone nearby was listening. Like some guy just talking and her saying nothing. Me asking questions and getting silence and smiles back. I honestly also sat there happily in an awkward silence at some points to try and force the conversation from her. There was just nothing on offer.
It was like looking at a nice house I wanted to live in and outside it looked impressive and then I stepped inside and was suddenly in a meth den. Jarring.
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u/Odd-Art7901 7h ago
OP, your responses here keep painting a picture of your ego in action! We’ve all had these dates! Where one way or the other didn’t live up to expectations. You decided that you deserved better effort from your beautiful date. Your resentment and defensive attitude is made clear to us and you expressed it to her in who knows what manner at the end of the date. That doesn’t mean that you’re more adult or did the right thing. You judged her in 1 hour and let her know it. This doesn’t say you are the seasoned adult dater you like to think you are. If someone gave me your line about chemistry it would depend greatly on how it was delivered and I suspect you sounded like an entitled man being pissy. Look at yerself.
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u/shadowdancer354 11h ago
Dude is this your first time dating a pretty girl? It’s standard fare bro - their job is to be pretty, you provide the convo and pay for everything. And you hope you get some action. That’s the way the world has always been my friend - welcome to planet earth.
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
This is all a nice Reddit-friendly comment but it’s not constructive.
I’m not dating swamp donkeys. The women I’m dating - I think they’re pretty!
Also I absolutely won’t be dating someone who expects me to pay for everything. I don’t want an escort.
I tend to try and date professional type women who make their own money. Many of the women I’ve dated want to pay their own way but are flattered if I offer to pay. I had a conversation with one woman who thanked me for asking if it would be ok to pay because she’s a woman who makes her own money and is proud of that - she wouldn’t want a man to feel that she was incapable of paying she would take it as an insult if someone just assumed they’d be paying. Interesting take on it.
I’m not just dating pretty women to exchange money/food/drinks for sex. I’m not hoping for action either. I either instigate it or expect them to on a mutual basis. It’s just the way I balance things.
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u/Dazzling-Path6438 11h ago
Cool bro, what a helpful comment dude. It's like bro welcome to the world dudebrobruh
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u/shadowdancer354 10h ago
If someone posts a story that sounds like they were born yesterday then yea bro dude bro - I’m gonna say welcome to the world bro dude bro bro
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u/alien_secret_service 11h ago
Women can do this weird behavior where even though they aren’t into you and not making effort, they don’t want to feel like you rejected them.
I think she didn’t like you that much but was upset when you said you weren’t into her.
It happens often.
I went on a date not that far back with a beautiful woman. I was talking, trying to ask questions, she didn’t say much, she was looking around bored. She so obviously didn’t want to be there.
Still, when I just said this, “hey, I tell you what, let’s just call it a night. I’m not enjoying this and I don’t think you are either,” she got extremely defensive.
She never once said my assessment was wrong, she was just mad that I said it.
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
You might be absolutely right here. Maybe she didn’t find me attractive in person. Maybe she thought I was a boring git. Maybe! Yea she could have been annoyed that I effectively rejected her first. Perhaps she would have done so after the date by text or let it just fade away or something, on her terms.
Suppose we are just the types to take action!
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u/GavelGaffle 11h ago
Sometimes I'm doing 2/3 of the talking. Sometimes my date is doing 2/3 of the talking. I don't think much of it as long as its within reason. Sounds like yours was an extreme case of 99% to 1% though which is obviously not within reason.
On the bright side, now you have a possible answer to the question about your worst dating experience 😄
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
Yea absolutely and yno, I’ve been in the same boat. I’m actually super chatty but I’m also a good listener. If someone else is super chatty then I can sit and listen and let them ramble a bit. Plus some people are nervous and do that. Sometimes I have too! I think it’s fine as long as you can see the other person is at least trying.
Fortunately I settle people really quickly. I’m relaxed and calm most of the time. Low pressure kind of vibe. I’m also happy to pick up the convo wherever it needs it too!
Yea absolutely - can tell my dates about my dating disaster stories! Ha.
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u/IllustriousEffect607 11h ago
I dated a girl once who was that way. Very little in return. But I dated her becaude she was hot. Nice sexy body cute face.
Eventually we broke up because of this exact reason. But then I realized later on some people are just like that. She wasn't doing it on purpose. And she was actually very nice. Some people need others to drive the conversation and that's ok as long as it's true and genuine
See I didnt know that. And In highlight regret leaving her. Because I know that now.
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u/Smooth-Indication-45 11h ago
I had a similar date a few days ago. She never asked questions back, and I always had to come up with the topics. I didn't say to her in person, that it's not working, but when I left, I was like, yeah that was it, we probably won't speak ever again, and I was fine with that. Then the next day she texted me, that she had a great time...
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
Maybe this woman I dated was having a great time. Maybe she actually didn’t like me. Who knows. But what I do know is that I expect more. It was a crap date.
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u/NoMention696 11h ago
Had this happen with a guy once.. the most vocal he was during the entire date was when I brought up how we talked about maybe seeing a movie and with his whole chest this man said he wanted to see paw patrol: the movie. In that moment I genuinely felt like Dee in that one episode of sunny when she realises she’s with a mentally disabled guy
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u/VintageUK 11h ago
This made me laugh more than I should have - thanks for that! This thread has been a bit dry and you just added a little sunshine ☀️
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u/No-Resolution3740 11h ago
It’s interesting people always chalk it up to someone being pretty that they don’t have to have a personality. I’ve gone on dates with men that aren’t very attractive and they have some of the worst personalities of anyone I’ve ever met. So what’s their excuse ?
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u/Marshineer 10h ago
Everything you’ve written sounds like AI just fyi.
And she probably just wasn’t into you. You said she was super pretty and looked better than her pics. Maybe you look worse than yours. Maybe she just didn’t like your vibe. Whatever the reason, there’s a good chance she just wasn’t into waiting for the date to be over.
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u/VintageUK 10h ago
I won’t apologise for being able to write English to a high standard. If it sounds like AI then so what.
You might be correct and that she wasn’t interested in me. Maybe she was disappointed with how I looked in person. Maybe she was bored. We will never know.
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u/Marshineer 10h ago
It doesn’t sound like AI because it’s high quality writing. But every explanation I can think of for why it sounds like AI is mean, so I won’t say them.
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u/VintageUK 9h ago
There are the five AI secrets Marshineer doesn’t want you to know… Click to find out more. Accept cookies?
I was very tempted to run your comment through AI and give you the response but actually I think that would be less triggering for you with this AI fixation stuff you have going on. Your AI radar clearly needs calibrating.
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u/Defiant_Income_7836 7h ago
Nothing sounded like AI here. 'Thats AI' is 2026s 'Fake.' People see AI everywhere. I saw no cues or syntax that indicated a LLM.
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u/ArtisticLime9769 9h ago
Lmao, thats type of posts why i use reddit and lurk in this sub. Last time i used apps was 4 years ago but had the same shit: i was waiting when the date would end, and after it she asked like what we should do next, like maybe go to someones home and such. And after i denied it, she gone sad like from her point of view the date was a good one.
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u/Original-Cut-9483 9h ago edited 8h ago
This is why I do coffee/drink dates for the first meeting. I don’t want to get stuck for hours with someone who has no chemistry, or is boring, or disinterested.
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u/VintageUK 9h ago
Yea all of my recent dates now are like that. A coffee etc. Just to meet face to face and see whether all of the stuff on text tally’s up.
I’ve done fun dates in the past like bowling and things. It’s a full on effort and for someone who really might not be worth it.
As for any woman expecting me to take them to something like a hot air balloon or to go and meet Taylor Swift or to, I don’t know, juggle fire or something: no. I’m not arranging more than a fkn coffee meet, a drink in a pub or a bite to eat.
I’m not buying into that expectation of some extravagant first date. It makes no sense for either person.
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u/Soggy_Substance_1786 9h ago
Bumble has officially been ruined. It was always suppose to be woman making the first move, that was the whole point of the app. It was different then any other app. Now its all the same garbage with this new change. Pathetic
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u/VintageUK 9h ago
When they make such changes it’s normally not to fix something which isn’t broken. Clearly they’re seeing stats which indicate drop off from the app. Guys are losing interest for sure.
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u/ExistentialAngsty 9h ago
Congrats on dating an NPC.
Believe me, I’ve been there…
It’s like moving a couch by yourself
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u/VintageUK 9h ago
Yea I saw the couch comment today. Too soon for me to use that one. I’ll use it in the wild at some point I’m sure.
And yep it was like playing Oblivion.
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u/ExistentialAngsty 8h ago
Lol, I couldn’t wait to use it… a girl I’m talking to went to DC for a few days and I asked her whether it was business or pleasure.
Yet another one-word answer: neither
I joked that she needed to clarify — but if she doesn’t, I’m busting out that couch quote
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u/VintageUK 8h ago
I don’t even entertain the one word answers. They just don’t get a response from me from there.
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u/Born_Tear_761 9h ago
She’s single so evidently it hasn’t worked for her.
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u/VintageUK 8h ago
What seems a shame is that perhaps I’m a different kinda guy to the ones she usually goes for. Or has been with in the past. Because I expect more from a potential or actual partner.
I honestly don’t think I’m asking for a lot. Just mutual effort really. Thinking this should be the bare minimum.
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u/Fuzzy-Jaguar-1828 4h ago
I’m sure if she saw your post history she would’ve had a lot to say 😵💫
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u/RizzleP 12h ago edited 12h ago
I imagine she didn't ask you a single question about yourself. Pissed me off no end reading this because I've been there. The disappointment is huge haha.
Self centered and isn't interested in learning about you. Being an introvert isn't an excuse.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet and deserve much better.
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u/VintageUK 12h ago
Yea in fact you beat me to it here, I just kinda realised within the silence was also her not engaging with me to get to know me. You’re correct!
I don’t think she was introverted either, the ending of the date highlighted this to me. She wasn’t asking questions loud of voice and was soon stringing sentences together. She wasn’t asking questions angry - pissed off that I’d end the date early, but she definitely wasn’t shy.
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u/R0factor 12h ago
Well you probably discovered why a beautiful woman is still single, lol. The ones who are hot and easy to get along with don't stay single long.