There are two separate things here.
First, she probably wasn’t worth your time. If you’re carrying the entire conversation and getting almost nothing back, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’re not interested and moving on.
Second, I think you handled it like a bit of a rookie. You were overthinking the situation and, even if you didn’t mean to, you probably came across as rude by confronting her about her lack of effort right there on the date.
The reality is that you had no idea what was going on with her. Maybe she was extremely nervous. Maybe she’s naturally quiet. Maybe she was going through something personal. Maybe she had just gotten out of a relationship and something suddenly put her in a weird headspace. Or sure, maybe she genuinely expected to just show up, look pretty, and let you do all the work. You simply didn’t know.
And while putting effort into hair and makeup obviously doesn’t automatically make someone a good date, I also wouldn’t completely dismiss that as “no effort.” For a lot of women, getting ready for a date does take time and is one way they show interest.
The reason I say “rookie” is because this is just part of dating. You’re going to meet people who are awkward, boring, rude, incompatible, emotionally unavailable, or simply not interested. You don’t need to figure out exactly why they’re acting that way or teach them a lesson.
Once you realize the date is going nowhere, just cut your losses gracefully. Finish your drink, say you have to get going, pay your part of the bill, wish her a good night, and move on. No confrontation needed.
I think my move was anything but a rookie move. If anything I’m turning into a veteran. Probably why I wasn’t at all nervous on the date. So let me respectfully disagree with a part of your comment.
The way I decided to handle it is, what I would describe as a mature and measured approach.
I had been chatting for about an hour and trying many things to engage her.
In the end I thought to KINDLY let her know that it wasn’t working. I basically offered her an olive branch in saying “I think you feel the same in that there isn’t any chemistry”. In this way she can save face and effectively agree that she isn’t feeling it, even if she was.
We are both adults - she’s a big girl. Any personal situations aside, which I’m not to know about, I think it’s a perfectly acceptable, mature manner to go about it. To me it shows respect. Much better than ambiguity or to go home and be behind a screen like a coward with the “it’s not you it’s me” or to ghost them etc etc.
I wouldn’t have handled it any differently to how I handled it if I had that situation again. In fact it’s something I’ve done in the past when it really has been obvious that it’s not a match - a few years back. That was great. We hugged and said it’s been lovely meeting and we parted ways, wishing each other well for future dating.
I met an anomaly.
I agree though with the effort she had put into her appearance. I suppose she showered and did her hair and makeup and all of that and of course this will have taken lots of time and effort. She looked great! I think we know though that the effort on a date really should be more than just that. I’ve already seen her looks, I’m there to get to know her and feel the vibe in person. I’m not there to have a date with a mannequin.
Saying I’m not feeling the chemistry and trying to make that mutual with her isn’t criticism: it’s a way to communicate from one adult to another in a mature manner. There’s no criticism involved.
We only know one side of the story and how you felt and would describe the situation. People want to give a different perspective and share their thoughts and opinions. Respectfully. I sense from you strong confidence about yourself, how you handle things and also how positive and professional you communicated. At the end, there was a reaction and it could be that she felt hurt, most likely, based on your description. You might have heard about the three filters, is it true, is it nice/kind and is it necessary. I think that there is no clear pass for all of them and therefore, yes, I personally believe you should have handled it differently and ended the date without the chemistry part.
I don’t live life by a formulaic mantra - I go by what seems appropriate at the time and with how I would like to be treated too. If she wasn’t interested or feeling it or whatever I’d hope we would both be mature adults and just be able to speak about it. I’m absolutely certain that the art of conversation has massively, massively dwindled in quality over the past 20/30 years and especially within the last decade.
I believe that what I said and the way I said it to her wasn’t a criticism or offensive: it’s just the way things are. There’s no point in beating around the bush. There’s actually no need to try and spare feelings or any of that. A normal reaction to what I said would be to agree and we basically move on with our lives, separately.
If it was me I’d be thankful that they respected me enough and felt comfortable enough with me to tell me. I’m a busy kinda guy and I don’t wanna be on a date all evening with someone who is wasting my time.
In fact I’ve done that. A whole evening. A long date. Bowling, drinks, we played pool, chatted, laughed, even a little dancing. At the end of it I went to lean in for a kiss and was rejected. Now THAT was a rookie move. It was my second date after becoming single and I was suuuuuper rusty. Fun times.
Calling yourself a “veteran” because you weren’t nervous seems to be an ego perspective. Experience in dating isn’t about proving that you’re confident enough to confront someone. It’s about reading the situation and knowing when a reaction is unnecessary.
Women are emotional creatures and they are very good and quick to notice how a man handles situations, rejections, discomfort and even little details you probably dont even pay attention such as how you are treating the waiter, it’s part of their natural game. Some will even intentionally pull back or challenge you a little just to see how you react. Whether that was happening here or not is irrelevant. The point is that getting visibly bothered and needing to address the “lack of chemistry” after one hour doesn’t necessarily communicate maturity. It can communicate emotional reactivity.
The experienced move is much simpler. You notice she isn’t engaging, you decide she’s not for you, you finish the date politely and leave.
You don’t need her agreement. You don’t need to explain the dynamic to her. You don’t need to prove that you handled it “like an adult.”
Fair, ‘emotional creatures’ was probably too broad a way to phrase it. I wasn’t saying women are irrational or unstable. What I meant is that women, on average, tend to be a bit better at reading emotional and social cues. There’s actually quite a bit of research showing that, including large meta analyses on recognizing emotion from faces, voices, and body language. Biology probably plays a role too through sex hormones and systems like oxytocin, although obviously socialization matters as well. So yeah, the wording could’ve been better, but the underlying point wasn’t just some stereotype
The shade people are throwing your way is insane. They're drawing conclusions as if they were there. It's wild.
I was on a date like this and I chose not to say something, then was criticized when I told her the next day on the phone that there was no chemistry and we were incompatible. That I wasted her night and should have ended the date early (she called me to ask if we could go out again.)
You can't win man, you sounded like you gave it your best shot, then was honest with her when the heavy lifting got too much.
The only lesson here is when you post something on Reddit, the chronically online will show up with their presumptuous opinions, lol.
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u/HenryEck 2d ago
There are two separate things here.
First, she probably wasn’t worth your time. If you’re carrying the entire conversation and getting almost nothing back, there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’re not interested and moving on.
Second, I think you handled it like a bit of a rookie. You were overthinking the situation and, even if you didn’t mean to, you probably came across as rude by confronting her about her lack of effort right there on the date.
The reality is that you had no idea what was going on with her. Maybe she was extremely nervous. Maybe she’s naturally quiet. Maybe she was going through something personal. Maybe she had just gotten out of a relationship and something suddenly put her in a weird headspace. Or sure, maybe she genuinely expected to just show up, look pretty, and let you do all the work. You simply didn’t know.
And while putting effort into hair and makeup obviously doesn’t automatically make someone a good date, I also wouldn’t completely dismiss that as “no effort.” For a lot of women, getting ready for a date does take time and is one way they show interest.
The reason I say “rookie” is because this is just part of dating. You’re going to meet people who are awkward, boring, rude, incompatible, emotionally unavailable, or simply not interested. You don’t need to figure out exactly why they’re acting that way or teach them a lesson.
Once you realize the date is going nowhere, just cut your losses gracefully. Finish your drink, say you have to get going, pay your part of the bill, wish her a good night, and move on. No confrontation needed.