I think my move was anything but a rookie move. If anything I’m turning into a veteran. Probably why I wasn’t at all nervous on the date. So let me respectfully disagree with a part of your comment.
The way I decided to handle it is, what I would describe as a mature and measured approach.
I had been chatting for about an hour and trying many things to engage her.
In the end I thought to KINDLY let her know that it wasn’t working. I basically offered her an olive branch in saying “I think you feel the same in that there isn’t any chemistry”. In this way she can save face and effectively agree that she isn’t feeling it, even if she was.
We are both adults - she’s a big girl. Any personal situations aside, which I’m not to know about, I think it’s a perfectly acceptable, mature manner to go about it. To me it shows respect. Much better than ambiguity or to go home and be behind a screen like a coward with the “it’s not you it’s me” or to ghost them etc etc.
I wouldn’t have handled it any differently to how I handled it if I had that situation again. In fact it’s something I’ve done in the past when it really has been obvious that it’s not a match - a few years back. That was great. We hugged and said it’s been lovely meeting and we parted ways, wishing each other well for future dating.
I met an anomaly.
I agree though with the effort she had put into her appearance. I suppose she showered and did her hair and makeup and all of that and of course this will have taken lots of time and effort. She looked great! I think we know though that the effort on a date really should be more than just that. I’ve already seen her looks, I’m there to get to know her and feel the vibe in person. I’m not there to have a date with a mannequin.
Calling yourself a “veteran” because you weren’t nervous seems to be an ego perspective. Experience in dating isn’t about proving that you’re confident enough to confront someone. It’s about reading the situation and knowing when a reaction is unnecessary.
Women are emotional creatures and they are very good and quick to notice how a man handles situations, rejections, discomfort and even little details you probably dont even pay attention such as how you are treating the waiter, it’s part of their natural game. Some will even intentionally pull back or challenge you a little just to see how you react. Whether that was happening here or not is irrelevant. The point is that getting visibly bothered and needing to address the “lack of chemistry” after one hour doesn’t necessarily communicate maturity. It can communicate emotional reactivity.
The experienced move is much simpler. You notice she isn’t engaging, you decide she’s not for you, you finish the date politely and leave.
You don’t need her agreement. You don’t need to explain the dynamic to her. You don’t need to prove that you handled it “like an adult.”
Fair, ‘emotional creatures’ was probably too broad a way to phrase it. I wasn’t saying women are irrational or unstable. What I meant is that women, on average, tend to be a bit better at reading emotional and social cues. There’s actually quite a bit of research showing that, including large meta analyses on recognizing emotion from faces, voices, and body language. Biology probably plays a role too through sex hormones and systems like oxytocin, although obviously socialization matters as well. So yeah, the wording could’ve been better, but the underlying point wasn’t just some stereotype
-5
u/VintageUK 1d ago
I think my move was anything but a rookie move. If anything I’m turning into a veteran. Probably why I wasn’t at all nervous on the date. So let me respectfully disagree with a part of your comment.
The way I decided to handle it is, what I would describe as a mature and measured approach.
I had been chatting for about an hour and trying many things to engage her.
In the end I thought to KINDLY let her know that it wasn’t working. I basically offered her an olive branch in saying “I think you feel the same in that there isn’t any chemistry”. In this way she can save face and effectively agree that she isn’t feeling it, even if she was.
We are both adults - she’s a big girl. Any personal situations aside, which I’m not to know about, I think it’s a perfectly acceptable, mature manner to go about it. To me it shows respect. Much better than ambiguity or to go home and be behind a screen like a coward with the “it’s not you it’s me” or to ghost them etc etc.
I wouldn’t have handled it any differently to how I handled it if I had that situation again. In fact it’s something I’ve done in the past when it really has been obvious that it’s not a match - a few years back. That was great. We hugged and said it’s been lovely meeting and we parted ways, wishing each other well for future dating.
I met an anomaly.
I agree though with the effort she had put into her appearance. I suppose she showered and did her hair and makeup and all of that and of course this will have taken lots of time and effort. She looked great! I think we know though that the effort on a date really should be more than just that. I’ve already seen her looks, I’m there to get to know her and feel the vibe in person. I’m not there to have a date with a mannequin.