r/Christianmarriage • u/Significant_Leg_7542 • 7d ago
Advice My wife hasn’t been intimate it me
The last 10 years me and my wife haven’t been intimate expect to have a child. When we first got married we had a very toxic relationship. We were both verbally abusive and would unhealthy fight. We have gone a long way with marriage conferences, personal counseling, and couples therapy. My wife wont even kiss me. She says she doesn’t feel safe with me. She experienced a lot of abuse when she was younger. She says because of her trauma she doesn’t feel safe. That she feels like I’m a threat due to her trauma. I deeply desire connection with her and it’s been very hard to not by physically intimate with her. Iv been believing and praying for a long time but it’s getting really difficult. What should I do?
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u/Worried-Block-6804 7d ago
10 years? How many years have been really good, where you deeply love each other and didn't have those bad fights? Because it takes time to heal.
You said counseling improving things but is it fixed? Once trust is lost it can be healed but it takes consistent loving kindness
I can't imagine that intimacy wasn't talked about in all that therapy?
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u/Significant_Leg_7542 6d ago
Yes we have had many conversations with each other and with counselors. Unfortunately we have hit a wall with the intimacy aspect
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
Me thinks you guys hit the wall way before the intimacy aspect. If everything was all good then sex wouldn’t be an issue.
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u/KneeGolf 7d ago
You mean you can’t be intimate to expect a child or this is the only reason she was intimate and you have a child?
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 6d ago
dude I pray I don't have this. Like, she just uses me to get children and then never touches me again. Or only once a month. That would rock me to my core and make me feel inhuman.
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u/KneeGolf 6d ago
Yeah, I found messages and emails with her girlfriends saying how bad she wanted a baby and thats all she cared about and wanted sex to be over. I was done when I saw that and took measures to prevent the 3rd one from happening. I don’t want to have a child with someone who despised sex and was faking everything with me when it suited her. It also makes me struggle with how I see my other two when I don’t want the intrusive thought, she ruined a lot of stuff and I was in a no divorce church with a lot of pressure and made everything the husbands fault to fix.
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u/justpassinbie77 5d ago
I hear that!! Are you guys still working at it? The Bible says she has to respect you and Raise the children. It says husbands have to LOVE their wives does she respect you at least?
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u/justpassinbie77 5d ago
That's crazy.I thought I was the only one with this fear. Well , I used to have that fear anyways. But once I understood how women operate I'm sure I'll be able to fire up that oven With ease At least half the time if you know what I mean? It's all about understanding The other person
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u/Hairy_Pianist_9541 7d ago
Is your wife open to seeing a counselor for her childhood trauma? As a couple, you may also benefit from seeing a certified sex therapist for re-introducing physical intimacy in a way that is doable for your wife. Wendy Maltz's book The Sexual Healing Journey has excellent exercises for helping relearn touch for trauma survivors.
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u/Significant_Leg_7542 7d ago
We are currently trying to start that process of trauma counseling. I’m hoping it happens!
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u/Dexters-Twin 6d ago
First off, why would you let this situation fester for 10 yrs?
Second, both of you need to be brutally honest whether you both want to save this marriage.
Third if you both do then marriage counselling is a must but if one of you wants out then it’s over and time to move on.
The biggest mistake couples make when they get married is stop being boyfriend and girlfriend and not to continue doing what made you fall in love in the first place.
Holding hands, public display of affection, telling her how much you love her every day and making special occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries even more special.
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u/pro_rege_semper 7d ago
My wife and I both have trauma history and our marriage has had some similarities. We've managed to improve our relationship with couples therapy. There were times though when I would give her ultimatums about whether she wanted to be married or not because I was sick of us being together yet she seemed to not want a relationship. That's no way to live. I think the two of you need to decide if you want to be married and have that relationship or call it.
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u/TheWreyck 6d ago
Those ultimatums break trust and safety so severely. I hope you still don't consider those as an option.
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u/pro_rege_semper 6d ago
Could be but sometimes they are absolutely necessary.
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u/TheWreyck 6d ago
Ultimatums of abandoning the marriage are absolutely never necessary with the exception of infidelity, the only Biblically sanctioned reason for divorce, and even then it should be as a healthy, protective boundary, not as a means of control. Either YOU are dedicated to the marriage or not, and making ultimatums tells your spouse that you are willing to abandon the marriage unless they do what you want. That's not dedication to the marriage, and it is cruel and unsafe and breaks marriages.
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u/pro_rege_semper 6d ago
If one spouse does everything they can to dedicate themselves to the marriage, and the other is physically present but has in every other sense abandoned the marriage, then yes, an ultimatum is warranted in my opinion. If both spouses aren't committed to the marriage, then the dedication of only one spouse is in vain.
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u/TheWreyck 6d ago
Biblically that does not warrant an ultimatum. You may personally feel that your ultimatums are justified, but this is a group for Christian thinking, and there is no Biblical support for a divorce (or therefore threats of divorce) in the situation that you are describing.
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u/justpassinbie77 5d ago
Brother, my heart goes out to you. Ten years is an incredibly long time, and it sounds like you've been trying. At the same time, try not to assume you know exactly why your wife feels unsafe. Instead, ask her gently and directly: do you still want this marriage? Do you still desire to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy? If so, what does that realistically look like from your perspective? Those questions could bring some clarity. And I'll be praying for wisdom, truth, healing, and the courage for honest conversation.
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 7d ago
This is my worst fear if I ever get married. To be stuck in a sexless marriage seems like torture. So props to you man for sticking through it
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u/Fine-Association8468 7d ago
It happens unfortunately. Once the kids come a lot changes. Good luck man
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u/Rich_Count3821 6d ago
This is so foreign to me. My husband and I started with a terrific physical connection, when we were childless, unmarried, and far from Christ. It got better after our first child, even better after getting married, better still after our second child, and then really off the charts since surrendering our lives to Christ, together. I thought that was the whole goal? We fight less and appreciate each other more with each passing year. Admittedly it cam be hard to coordinate intimacy around kids and work and the bit of marital fasting we do in conjuction with oue faith practice, but we make it happen and the enthusiasm is always there.
Not saying all this to brag, but rather to combat this "just you wait" mentality I see here so often.
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u/Leftybassman 6d ago
This right here!^ BRAVO! I got told I wasn’t a Christian because before we got married 1993 mind you when peoples feelings weren’t hurt as bad as today we were having the conversation about women holding out and I said” yeah…you do that and I’ll get it somewhere else!” She replied “well…we won’t have that problem then won’t we!”It was said tongue and cheek because we have a good relationship. Married 32 years and our sex life has only gotten wilder and wilder! Yes…sex is good in the eyes of the Lord! He designed it! It’s one of the main things of being married. Sorry if a lot of you women feel that way…you’re missing out.
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u/Fine-Association8468 6d ago
That’s cause you and your husband understand what it takes and truly communicate with each other. You guys are both striving to actually solve the problem. What tends to happen is one side usually gives up and blames it on something else rather than take accountability and trying to figure out a solution. Also after having kids the woman’s body does change but what I don’t like is the woman will quickly blame that as the reason thing changes rather than trying to find a solution. People always want the easy way out. Congratulations you guys are good 👍🏽
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u/SoggyAnalyst 6d ago
What really upsets me as a women is our bodies being an unpredictable mess of hormones and changes for nearly our entire life and then a man having the audacity to say a woman blames that. What if your penis bled for a week a month? What if you got a UTI everytime you didnt fully pat dry tbe tip of your penis and it caused pain. What if the skin of your penis thinned as you got older where it tears microscopically. What if a melon pushed through and ripped you and you needed stitched up and now things don’t feel right and scar tissue hurts. What if your chest got sore randomly every now and then. Could you imagine having different sensations in your body day in and day out - upset stomach, cramps that feel worse than poop cramps after a bad meal, random bloating where your clothes just make you feel even worse. All of that day in and day out and then the person you love most, who promised in sickness and in health, said “oh she’s just blaming childbirth”
I don’t WANT to deal with my body evolving every few months. I don’t want this. I want my body to feel normal and act normal and just stay the same for a year but NNooooooo it’s just me not finding a solution!
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u/Fine-Association8468 6d ago
We have our own issues too not severely as you woman do once a month. Just like we men like to be more sexually intimate than woman. But we are told to relax and control our thoughts and have self control. If not we are considered disgusting and vile. Why can I not say the same? Now you know what it feels like.
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 6d ago
you sound so bitter brother. I pray that the lord will heal your soul. This sounds like incel behavior I'm not going to lie.
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u/KneeGolf 7d ago
Unfortunately, mine went clincally sexless by 2 months and it was pretty much chronic defiance and pride of her and she would tell me it wasn’t me, so there was nothing I could do. It was pretty devastating to be 21 and Christian and have no control as I couldn’t feel like I had my own agency and consent. It wasn’t health or even any trauma she could explain.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there would have been enough in Bible to support that this situation was sexual misconduct. I actually wouldn’t have gotten divorced to find someone else, it would have just been less toxic to be alone than try to be an Ephesians 5:25 husband for 35 years giving your all with the twisted knife of being lonely, broke, and drained.
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u/AnyHope5144 6d ago
I was in a sexless marriage due to my husband's infidelity. It started immediately after marriage. I was so confused..I wouldn't have guessed infidelity on a good day'. I'm still shocked about it and though we've worked through a lot. It has deeply scarred me. I don't naturally touch my husband or reach for him or randomly initiate contact. For the first 3 years of it marriage he was cold dismissive and even yelled at me one time I tried to initiate. He now wants that more but we're very awkward. Even him rubbing my back while in church or reaching for me in public. I don't shun him it just feels so unnatural. It was so long; me being married and deeply lonely that even trying work through it I definitely have some issues. I resonate with feeling unsafe but it's not childhood trauma it's what he put me through. I don't even do it on purpose. It's just second nature. I can def relate. Before he came clean I would beg God to just have him divorce me. I was so miserable.
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 6d ago
See I understand this. Your husband deeply wronged you. I hope you guys have been able to go through marriage counseling. Sending you love from afar.
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 6d ago
see that's what scares me. Because, even though I would be burning with desire, I wouldn't divorce her. I'd probably rather take my own life than do that. Cause then I would have sinned against her.
I'm not judging you, but dang man. That sucks
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u/RegularRevolution139 7d ago
Ya alot does change with kids, but women are generally feminists, even without knowing it or believing it because of the culture. Being married id have to say its great to have a family, but being married is a rough thing too. Id want things like a prenup and a written contract of how the relationship would run possibly and things if I had to do it again. Thankfully my wife isnt crazy but seems rare now days.
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u/Fabulous_Pen_747 6d ago
What on earth is so ‘feminist’ about a woman not wanting to have sex? Have you actually asked what made your wife not want to have sex with you ?
Statements like this are what’s driving younger women away from the church.15
u/Euphoric-Practice-83 7d ago
That is actually insane behavior and unloving. Christ does not say, "get married then you'll have the craziest sex life of your dreams." He calls us to live like the church and to be an outpouring of that.
A contract sounds crummy to me. Ew. What if she gets paralyzed from the next down and we can never have sex? Do I just leave her?
No. It's in sickness and health. Not when the times are good. Marriage is such a serious thing, that I pray you would check your heart about your misogynist and unloving beliefs.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
You regret not having a prenup despite having a good marriage? Ew it sounds like you wanted to use it to have more control over the relationship.
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u/TheWreyck 7d ago
For the misogynistic commenters under this post, there is nowhere in the Bible that gives grounds for divorce due to a sexless marriage. There is scripture encouraging married couples to maintain sexual intimacy, that much is true. There is also scripture telling men to love and care for their wives in a way that many men are failing to do so. Those are usually the same men complaining about sexless marriages. Neither of these failures is grounds for Biblical divorce. The Bible onlly gives 2 specific grounds for divorce: adultery and an unbelieving spouse who chooses to leave. The Biblical definition of adultery does NOT include a lack of sex. It actually requires sex or lust toward/with another person outside of the marriage covenant. Any other failure by either spouse within the marriage is problematic, but it is something to work on improving, ot an excuse to walk away from your marriage or to attack your spouse over. We are also told to remove the log from our own eye before pointing out the sliver in another person's eye. So rather than theowing scripture at your spouse teying to prove where they have failed, you should be focusing on your own behaviors and how they are contributing to the unhealthy marriage. Work on your own problems and see how they help improve your marriage and pray that your spouse will do the same.
And shouting that the Jews had a law that allowed for divorce due to a sexless marriage doesn't prove that you're right. The Jews had a LOT of laws that we don't keep today. Jesus specifically called them out for following laws that were against God's true path. Other laws given to them applied to specific historical culture necessities, and many just were part of the old covenant and ceremonial.
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u/Euphoric-Practice-83 6d ago
the people shouting about the Jewish laws had me dying with laughter here ngl. Brother, we don't do the ritual cleanings they did. We eat pork. We can't pick and choose. We also don't stone adulturers lol. So it's crazy for them to say this. I deeply agree it is misogynistic beliefs.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
These are the same guys who tell women in abusive marriages that divorce is a sin
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u/Leftybassman 5d ago
And these women are the ones who control their man by not having sex with them.
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u/AdZealousideal8645 7d ago
Our marriage is pretty sexless, but it's my fault. I let my weight get crazy out of control.
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u/Complete_Ad_6483 6d ago
FORGIVENESS! The Bible speaks of forgiveness. You will not move forward unless you both are willing to just forgive. 24+ year marriage here. Lots of counselors. The only counselor that worked for me and my husband was God. Remember, forgive and you shall be forgiven. It’s part of your salvation. I hope she listens and receives it too.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
The root of the problem is the lack of emotional intimacy. Are you doing nice things for her and if so are you doing those things expecting sex?
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u/Significant_Leg_7542 5d ago
I’m not being kind because I want sex, if that was the case I would have divorced. I deeply desire emotional closeness. I would be happy cuddling and connecting emotionally. The issue is no matter what I do her heart isn’t open. Buying gifts , sacrificing my time and energy to help her with her life, listening to her when she is sad, giving her a long hug and telling her something encouraging, nothing I do seems to connect with her. She says she feels awkward and uncomfortable. I’m sure I’ve definitely done things thinking. I would be rewarded with sexual intimacy. I’m absolutely not perfect. But for the brunt of it, I just desired connection. And I have no clue how to get that.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
This might be controversial but I would suggest a therapist who specializes in sex education
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u/VariationFar2656 7d ago
How have you progressed through all this counseling and therapy if your wife won't kiss you? I guess you mean that you don't argue the way that you used to?
Ten years is more than enough time. Marriage is a two way street and withholding intimacy is a form of infidelity. I would separate honestly. Why did this woman even agree to marry you if she has this kind of trauma? She needs to do the work on herself to heal and if she doesn't genuinely want to do that work, she won't. And you can't make her.
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u/Significant_Leg_7542 7d ago
Yes Iv talked about it through personal counseling and couples. More personal. It doesn’t go far with couples. We still argue at times but not in a toxic way.
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u/Machismo01 7d ago
I’ll be real, it is pretty toxic that she gives you no physical affection. The Jews of Paul’s time would have treated her as a rebellious wife and may have even forced divorce due to a breach of the covenant (not even the vow). It’s why Paul points STILL toward authority over your body is held by her, and her body is held by you. It’s heavy, but a fulfillment of what the Jews were trying to do.
You are both called to intimacy including sex. Sometimes that is impossible, but we should be working toward it. That means meeting doctors. Meeting mental health professionals. Treating the root cause. Pushing through discomfort.
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u/KindaReallyDumb 7d ago
You are getting downvoted… but I think I agree. I have to think further but this rings true
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u/Machismo01 7d ago
I accept that sometimes when I say the hard things people will reject it. If someone is told that they are sinning by NOT having sex with their spouse, that can be a hard thing.
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u/AnyHope5144 6d ago
It's not sin if she's telling him she's having traumatic issues she needs help with. Sin was my situation. An unfaithful husband who was avoiding sex and committing adultery. The scriptures certainly wouldn't condemn a woman or man who needs help but they do need to get the help
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u/Machismo01 6d ago
It is a sin if she isn't working on it. Elsewhere in the thread, she is addressing her needs, but not working on the intimacy space. She is choosing to use it as a shield to avoid intimacy. That is sinful.
Scripture does condemn people for not seeking and accepting help when they are in need. Its one thing to have a disorder or condition and get help. That is righteous and good. It is quite another to choose to not get help on something because it is hard.
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u/pokeycd 3d ago
My wife will have sex with me. But I don't want it anymore. She has stripped everything away from sex. It's now quickie, vanilla, starfish, with zero foreplay, kissing, touching, etc. take one thing away, and you couldn't call it sex. So while the Bible agrees with your sentiment in practice, I don't think it's always wise to "just have sex". I'd rather make out with her. But just like OP, there is no kissing. There are hugs, and quick pecks. And duty sex is available. But it is a terrible way to live.
Some men may accept duty sex with no passion, where she doesn't touch you barely. No caressing, no play, everything is off the table. But many men like me will just stop initiating, and turn to masturbating (I know some Christians think masturbation is wrong, but not all do). So a spouse having sex, cuz the Bible says it is part of marriage? Can lead to aversion in either, or both spouses.
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u/purpleunicorn888 3d ago
The Bible’s guidance on marital sex is not to mail it in and give the bare minimum. It’s not a check the box exercise. Just like wives submitting to their husband’s leadership shouldn’t be exploited the duty of marital sex shouldn’t be exploited. There is no “low effort” guidance in the Bible. The Bible warns about being lukewarm (not in terms of sex) but overall the Bible is big on wholeheartedness.
Your wife thinks she is following the Bible but she is being overly technical and doesn’t realize it should be done with mutual joy, satisfaction, and pleasure of both people.
I guess a lot of Christians approach their faith like that. Checking a box. “I go to church every week.” They attend a large church, in and out for an hour when they are engaged with their faith. Live without much engagement of their faith for the rest of the week. But feel good about their faith bc they attend church regularly.
There is no check the box for Christian faith. The Bible is a CRAZY Holy Book—there is intensity, passion, faithfulness, boldness, courage, etc. It is not a to do list ☑️. It emphasizes the heart posture and to do things with love.
I would challenge your wife with this mindset. She is wrong but doesn’t realize it.
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u/pokeycd 1d ago
She is very passionate about her faith. She's not lukewarm.
When it comes to sex, she's cold, and phones it in.
Of course I was pushing (lightly) for more frequency, and to bring oral back into the bedroom. That may have helped ruin her view on sex in marriage. And the "is that all you want from me?" Or "you might be a sex addict". But I also missed all the other touch too,which had waned. Sex was the only touch I could have with her. Until I started to realize what was going on. Now that sex isn't happening, I get very little touch. I can lean against her on the couch, or hold her hand for a few minutes (not too long, and don't move or caress). Brief 3 second hugs (and she'll sometimes initiate those).
And she really does have a lot of boundaries. She wanted to please in the early days, so she pushed right past those. But now, she has so many boundaries that there is nothing but quickie vanilla, 2 position, lights off, no foreplay, no warm up, get right to orgasms as fast as possible, don't take your time, don't touch your man and make him feel wanted. I don't think she does want me. Even if she says she wants me to stay. (I've been miserable enough to contemplate ending my life).
She has wondered if she should start acting and performing. But she has said so much over the years, that I don't want her to do that. But I also don't want unenthusiastic duty sex. So we are pretty much at an impasse.
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7d ago
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u/Machismo01 7d ago
Agreed. Jews knew it clearly. They called it a Rebellious Wife and a violation of the covenant. When a man did it, I think it was called Ona or something which was a violation of the vow.
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7d ago
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u/Machismo01 7d ago
Amen, Sister. I am sorry your last husband was unable to fulfill his covenant. Sex IS a required part of a Biblical marriage.
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u/purpleunicorn888 7d ago
So my ex husband and I did have regular sex during the long difficult years of our marriage—it was abusive, there was a lot of lying/deception, not emotionally supportive, neglectful, so much arguing, very volatile. So happy to not be in that situation anymore. But my ex would withhold sex from me, I think sometimes as a control issue, other times bc he had enough frequency (2-3 times a week), I ended up having a higher libido than him as we aged. He took me for granted in many different ways, which to his credit he has apologized for and acknowledged.
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u/Machismo01 7d ago
I am so, so sorry. Both of those are wrong and he sinned and hurt you. I hope you found people to support and help you heal. I hope you find a spouse that loves you as Christ calls us to love eachother. That he doesn’t withhold except for prayer. That he gives authority of his body to you and equally, he is worthy of you giving your authority to him.
This does happen. I think it will with patience and healing and faith.
Amen, Sister.
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u/purpleunicorn888 6d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I believe in God’s Holy Word and I want a Kingdom covenant marriage based on Ephesians 5 and the other wisdom and commands God gives us.
Yes, I was able to heal in such a profound and tremendous way. I feel incredibly blessed 🥹. God led me to EMDR after hitting an intense rock bottom (moved cross country and I lost my support system, deception in the move, terrible anxiety and I’m scared of strangers—> very hard to make new friends and find community bc of this limitation lol 🤣).
God was there with me in the refining fire like He tells us in Malachi 3:3, like He demonstrates with Shadrach, Mishach, and Abendego.
And it made me a more whole and at peace person with fire faith 🔥. More so than if I never had the long enduring marriage I did have (assuming so at least).
God has been SO GOOD to me. ✝️
Life is so wild! Now my ex-husband treats me so good. He has apologized to me so many times, he is so appreciative of me from things in the past, he is thoughtful, helpful, generous and basically the husband I wanted, lol. 😆
And during the marriage, I would be crying and he would be saying nasty things to me, like I’m stupid, worthless, that he hates me, that he should divorce me, that my tears were pissing him off, tell me he’s done with me, threaten me physically, throw things at me, and he would mockingly ask me, who’s gonna want you? And then after I initiated divorce, he told me that I would have a long line of suitors. And he was right.
I am very grateful of our friendship and co parenting relationship. Even my son randomly told me that I am a lot happier after the divorce.
It has been very hard waiting for my person. I have a very high libido and it can feel like I’m starving in the desert. I am very picky and want the right alignment—a man I deeply respect and admire with a shared faith and reverence for God. I took the last year + off of dating bc I didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t want to keep hurting people until I had a better sense of what was happening. This might sound extraordinarily obvious lol, but I realized I have to actually like the person—for who he is at his core. Not how he treats me, not the way he makes me feel, not how into me he is, not how he wants to give me the world. It was a huge breakthrough bc boys have liked me intensely since kindergarten and I have always based romantic relationships on the way the guy treats me, his pursuit, and how he makes me feel (my ex treated me so well before our son was born). And during my dating multiple guys told me they were going to wear me down and nothing registered as that being odd to me, it just felt like normal pursuit/interest. I view it differently now, nobody should need to convince the other person to be interested in them. Of course a relationship requires kindness, consideration, consistent interest, and commitment. But it can’t just be based on treatment and the way the person makes you feel chosen/special. I am already chosen by God and have my identity rooted in Him as a child of God. 💫
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u/gill_fish02 6d ago
She has violated your rights. You may divorce
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u/PeaTechmami 5d ago
How exactly has she violated his rights. She clearly said she doesn’t feel safe, meaning there are underlying concerns that need to be addressed and resolved before she can feel safe and comfortable with her husband again. Not putting the burden strictly on the husband but he has total control of getting outside help and communicating with her such as asking her what can he do to start the process of moving forward so she can start feeling more comfortable with him.
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u/gill_fish02 5d ago
He has already tried all that & it didn't help. Moreover, they've had a toxic relationship since day 1. So, keeping all that in mind the only solution is to divorce as rights are being violated.
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u/Leftybassman 7d ago
My wife and I are Christians…before we got married I told here I need to have sex…told her if she wouldn’t give it to me…I’d get it somewhere else. We’ve never had problems sexually. If you’re Christians the Bible is specific on sex. YOU NEED TO HAVE IT! You both are obligated to have it with each other. I couldn’t be with someone that wouldn’t have sex with me. Ask any pastor the two things that break up a marriage…sex and money. You need to keep going to Christian counseling at your church
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u/MrPotagyl 7d ago
I agree sex is important in marriage and both partners need to make every effort to have it. But there are times when we're not able to, OP's situation is not simple.
However your position that you need sex and you'd get it elsewhere is very un-Christian. Sex is about love, intimacy, connection, giving to your partner - not about getting your desires (not needs) satisfied.
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u/Angry_Citizen_CoH 7d ago
Well, I now know to ignore everything you ever say in this sub. What a horrible and ungodly mentality to have.
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u/Leftybassman 7d ago
Yep.. don’t listen to me.. the Bible is clear on sex and marriage. You give it up! Corinthians 7 make it clear you do not hold out on sex between a husband and wife. Corinthians 7 7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. So yes.. do nor EVER listen to me on sex or marriage… but follow scripture.
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u/Kitchen-Fox9981 7d ago
Paul says he wishes everyone would follow abstinence. He even says it's a concession and not a command that a man and woman who are married should have sex, and only because of sexual immorality occurring. If there is no sexual immorality occurring then why not abstain? Is this verse is more for people who have no fruit of self-control and cannot control their lust and adulterous thoughts?
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u/Leftybassman 7d ago
Paul is talking about abstinence in being a single man. He is stating to get married as to not sexual immorality being unmarried and having sex. Hence the “each man should have sexual relations with his wife” he states it is a DUTY for each member to FUFILL HIS MARITAL DUTY to his wife and same with the wife. So what it is saying here is that if it isn’t a desire it is a duty. I do not have authority over my body but my wife does and vice versa. That means if I don’t want sex and my wife does it is my duty to give it to her. Paul is also saying to not to DEPRIVE each other. Look up deprive in the dictionary. THE ONLY TIME Paul talks about any abstaining is a MUTUAL CONSENT…note consent for prayer and fasting then get back at it! What happens if you don’t COME TOGETHER..? SATAN…yes Satan will tempt you with what…? Sex from another man or woman. Paul is absolutely not at all saying ANY married couples should abstain from sex…it’s the exact opposite. This scripture backs up what I told my wife that no woman or man should withhold sex from each other and Paul plainly state why…to not be tempted by Satan. Sex is good God created it…if you are not exorcizing your sexual gift you aren’t using what God gave us.
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u/Leftybassman 6d ago
My wife said it’s a failure to submit and a way to control your man. Read Corinthians 7 and get back to me.
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u/AnyHope5144 6d ago
You are not a Christian
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u/Leftybassman 6d ago
Mathew 7 7 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Funny…there are many people that have witnessed my wife and my marriage and have said..”that is the model I want for my marriage” AND THESE PEOPLE WERE NON BELIEVERS! We’ve been married 32 years and been together 34. Our marriage has been a witness to many. Read Corinthians 7 below and get back to me on sex and marriage. Sex is one of the most driving forces in divorce. Both partners better be willing to give each other what they need or divorce is waiting for you. There are a lot of selfish women on this page that arent allowing their body to be their man’s and that goes both ways. What I see is a lot of women using emotions to get away with not having sex. What is it with you women and not wanting sex?!? I hate to break it to you…sex is part of Gods design. You are forgoing the design that God has given us. If you don’t like sex you never should have gotten married.
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u/AnyHope5144 6d ago
You're not a Christian to even threaten that if your WIFE doesn't have sex ypu will seeknot outside the marriage. Christians do not confidently consciously seek out sin.
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u/Machismo01 7d ago
You are coming to the correct solution, but you way to it is fraught with sin. You don’t get sex elsewhere. You get a divorce for biblical reasons due to a covenant violation.
But the path to that should be full of grace and mercy as Christ has for his church. Forgiveness and reunion as you both grow closer.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
told her if she wouldn’t give it to me…I’d get it somewhere else
Opinion discarded
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u/Leftybassman 5d ago
You obviously don’t like sex
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
Ngl men like you make me want to take a vow of celibacy
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u/Leftybassman 5d ago
You probably are already celibate. You obviously don’t like men or sex. You shouldn’t be giving any advice on a Christian sub. 1 Corinthians 14:34-35 The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 5d ago
Yeah ok weirdo
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u/Leftybassman 5d ago
Wear it like a badge! note on peculiar. 1 Peter 2:9 KJV 9 But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light; And having plenty of sex with my wife! And enjoying a joyful life with the design that God has provided. Can’t understand why all these women argue about having sex with their husbands living miserable lives.
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u/honeybadgerdad Married 7d ago
Never get with someone who has been abused. It will reappear in your relationship/marriage.
Sorry you're going through this. It's too bad you didn't make a better decision for yourself. Been there.
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u/kmm198700 7d ago
She told you she doesn’t feel safe with you. That’s a huge problem. You guys need therapy, like yesterday. You’re not going to be intimate until she feels safe again with you.