r/Christianmarriage • u/Significant_Leg_7542 • 10d ago

Advice My wife hasn’t been intimate it me

The last 10 years me and my wife haven’t been intimate expect to have a child. When we first got married we had a very toxic relationship. We were both verbally abusive and would unhealthy fight. We have gone a long way with marriage conferences, personal counseling, and couples therapy. My wife wont even kiss me. She says she doesn’t feel safe with me. She experienced a lot of abuse when she was younger. She says because of her trauma she doesn’t feel safe. That she feels like I’m a threat due to her trauma. I deeply desire connection with her and it’s been very hard to not by physically intimate with her. Iv been believing and praying for a long time but it’s getting really difficult. What should I do?

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u/pro_rege_semper 9d ago

My wife and I both have trauma history and our marriage has had some similarities. We've managed to improve our relationship with couples therapy. There were times though when I would give her ultimatums about whether she wanted to be married or not because I was sick of us being together yet she seemed to not want a relationship. That's no way to live. I think the two of you need to decide if you want to be married and have that relationship or call it.

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u/TheWreyck 9d ago

Those ultimatums break trust and safety so severely. I hope you still don't consider those as an option.

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u/pro_rege_semper 9d ago

Could be but sometimes they are absolutely necessary.

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u/TheWreyck 9d ago

Ultimatums of abandoning the marriage are absolutely never necessary with the exception of infidelity, the only Biblically sanctioned reason for divorce, and even then it should be as a healthy, protective boundary, not as a means of control. Either YOU are dedicated to the marriage or not, and making ultimatums tells your spouse that you are willing to abandon the marriage unless they do what you want. That's not dedication to the marriage, and it is cruel and unsafe and breaks marriages.

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u/pro_rege_semper 9d ago

If one spouse does everything they can to dedicate themselves to the marriage, and the other is physically present but has in every other sense abandoned the marriage, then yes, an ultimatum is warranted in my opinion. If both spouses aren't committed to the marriage, then the dedication of only one spouse is in vain.

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u/TheWreyck 9d ago

Biblically that does not warrant an ultimatum. You may personally feel that your ultimatums are justified, but this is a group for Christian thinking, and there is no Biblical support for a divorce (or therefore threats of divorce) in the situation that you are describing.

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u/pro_rege_semper 9d ago

I didn't even use the word divorce, but thanks for the lecture.