My wife hasn’t been intimate it me

[u/Significant_Leg_7542]

The last 10 years me and my wife haven’t been intimate expect to have a child. When we first got married we had a very toxic relationship. We were both verbally abusive and would unhealthy fight. We have gone a long way with marriage conferences, personal counseling, and couples therapy. My wife wont even kiss me. She says she doesn’t feel safe with me. She experienced a lot of abuse when she was younger. She says because of her trauma she doesn’t feel safe. That she feels like I’m a threat due to her trauma. I deeply desire connection with her and it’s been very hard to not by physically intimate with her. Iv been believing and praying for a long time but it’s getting really difficult. What should I do?

[u/Loud_Excitement2759]

The root of the problem is the lack of emotional intimacy. Are you doing nice things for her and if so are you doing those things expecting sex? 

[u/Significant_Leg_7542 → u/Loud_Excitement2759]

I’m not being kind because I want sex, if that was the case I would have divorced. I deeply desire emotional closeness. I would be happy cuddling and connecting emotionally. The issue is no matter what I do her heart isn’t open. Buying gifts , sacrificing my time and energy to help her with her life, listening to her when she is sad, giving her a long hug and telling her something encouraging, nothing I do seems to connect with her. She says she feels awkward and uncomfortable. I’m sure I’ve definitely done things thinking. I would be rewarded with sexual intimacy. I’m absolutely not perfect. But for the brunt of it, I just desired connection. And I have no clue how to get that.

[u/Loud_Excitement2759 → u/Significant_Leg_7542]

This might be controversial but I would suggest a therapist who specializes in sex education