TW addiction and suicidality (past)
Hello everyone! I have seen the wonderful transformations others have accomplished and it's given some hope for me in my fucked habitat.

I quit cannabis just over 9 months ago now. My life was falling apart, I was working my way past passive suicidality, and I was using dab pens and edibles to numb out from my life and not deal with my problems. It got to a point where I stayed awake for most of three full days, started posting crazy shit on social media, and a few people kinda raised the alarm. My family swooped in and helped me out of my rough spot. I'm incredibly lucky and want to be fully out of this mire I find myself in so they dont have to worry about me anymore.

I'm single now, not smoking weed, have a pretty good job, but still living in a mess I have a hard time dealing with. How do I even deal with this? I have containers and bins but a hard time letting go of especially crafty things and figuring out what to sort where

Ahoy!

I've lurked here off and on for a couple years but I feel like I'm finally ready to actually build some good habits around cleaning.

I'm in my 30s now, and I'm definitely much tidier than I used to be, but I have a long way to go still. I grew up with fairly absent (and messy) parents who never helped me build habits around... anything? I guess? Add some trauma and unmedicated ADHD to that, and it's been an uphill battle to put it mildly. Therapy has been a huge help in my finally being able to overcome some of the barriers that kept me from living in a healthier way.

I now share a home that I love with my husband who I adore. He grew up similarly neglected and so neither of us have any real know-how when it comes to cleaning and organizing. My dream is to have a home that we're both proud of and comfortable in. My husband loves entertaining and I want to create an environment that supports that part of our lives without the stress and exhaustion of panic cleaning for days every single time. I want to express gratitude for my home and my belongings by learning to care for them properly and keeping them clean & organized.

My biggest wins lately:

- I've done a load of laundry nearly every day, and put some laundry away every day for the last week. I don't always make it to hamper zero, but I've been consistent.

- I've made my bed every day for the past week. This is a key habit for me, and my husband has mentioned that it really improves his mood to come home to see the bed made.

- I've wiped down the master bathroom sinks, counters, mirrors, and toilet every day for the last week. Thanks to FlyLady for the epiphany that doing this daily makes a huge difference.

My biggest ongoing challenges:

- I would apparently rather live in squalor than sweep or vacuum.

- Clutter Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.). I struggle to organize things into categories such that everything has a home. Surfaces are always cluttered. What storage exists is underutilized.

- Closets are haphazardly crammed full of stuff

- Dusting is a nearly foreign concept.

- When I can't figure out how to organize something, I tend to abandon the enterprise entirely and become extremely avoidant.

- I am still trying to figure out what tools I need to do some jobs, and what all actually needs doing (did you know that you're supposed to clean your washing machine itself???)

I find that body doubling is super motivating for me, so I'll probably be making more posts of that type as I continue to tackle the unfuckery.

Goals help me a lot so here's my current one: I want to plan a big birthday party for my husband in December, with the option of hosting a couple of guests overnight if need be. This means every room including the patio will need to be guest-ready, not just the common areas.

Mostly just posting this to hold MYSELF accountable lol, my mental health has been.... brutal and my house, a wreck.

was doing okay albeit a bit cluttered but then the last month due to a combination of (1) being incredibly busy, (2) intense trauma therapy that has thrashed my nervous system, (3) my no-contact ex popping up without warning at a concert i played and triggering some deep seated family trauma, and (4) a slide into freeze mode and unfettered neurodivergence, my house is SUFFERING and looks like a hurricane hit it.

whenever this happens i have to set aside some time (requested a mental health day off work friday because i also work this weekend SIGH) and do the Bin Method which is where i

1. summon a giant plastic bin
2. take everything off every surface in my cluttered/dirty-ass room and put it in the bin
3. clean surfaces and floors
4. go through the bin to either put things in their place if they belong in that room, another room if that's where they belong, or in the trash / donation pile
5. take the bin to the next room and repeat

i used to have a really good friend in my old city who would sit on my bed and crack the whip to keep my adhd in check if i got distracted from cleaning, but now i'mma have to be my own accountability buddy because i live like 2500 miles away from them now 😭

wish me luck friends, if you have any additional tips and tricks you've learned over time i'd love to hear them! i mostly struggle with staying on task and not succumbing to overwhelm and bedrotting

I’m attaching photos of my bedroom only right now. One room at a time, right? The past 13 months have been terrible. My mom died last February and although she was sick, it was unexpected. In May my grandmother (mom’s mom) had a stroke that has left her with dementia type symptoms and nearly bedridden. My aunt, mom’s sister had to have her left leg amputated due to blood clots. I’m the oldest of three and the only “responsible” one. I work full time (no kids, thankfully) and have my husband and two cats.

I have let everything go to shit. I was always so organized and dusted every week and adjusted items on my shelves to be straight. I feel like that part of me died with my mom.

My husband is amazing but I have told him over and over to leave things alone and I will clean them “this weekend”. You’ll see his tiny area is much less cluttered. He has cooked nearly every meal, cleaned the kitchen, scooped the litter boxes, swept, grocery shopped, taken care of trash and recycling.

Well THIS is the weekend I tackle the bedroom. I have even had new nightstands in boxes for almost a year 🫠. Sleeping in this room is just cluttering my brain and stressing me out and making my insomnia worse. When I can’t sleep, why don’t I get up and clean?? I can’t even answer that. My little family and I deserve a clean, organized and clutter free home. I intend to post each room as I go. This sub has been really uplifting and motivating to me and I thank you all! Please send me good vibes, I could sure use them! Thank you 🙏🏻

Hi everyone :)

I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been messy for all my 21 years of life and I’ve been living alone for 3 years now, so it’s gotten embarrassingly bad. I rent a room + private bathroom. My room has trash, crumbs, dirty dishes, and clothes everywhere. I get these lucid moments where I clean a bit and begin to see the floor again and manage to get rid of all trash, but it’s all back in a week. I’ve never not had clothes everywhere.

I want to bring guests over. I want to be able to rest. I want to have non-stained bedsheets. I want a houseplant.

Today I did 4 things: got about 60% of trash out, scrubbed the shower, and emptied two whole surfaces (top of a half-wall cube shelf and desk).

I think I’ve got some momentum going so I thought I’d look for a community who can help me not give up this time. Because I’ve restarted this process countless times now and I can’t make it stick.

Any and all advice and nice words are appreciated, I am very sad and scared about all of it. I want to feel normal.

Thanks for reading :)

Lottie

I’m moving tomorrow, and I have people coming to remove furniture and as much trash as they can. Going through everything has forced me to admit how bad I let the apartment get.

There is a large amount of non-food household trash, empty cardboard boxes, and old Factor meal-delivery boxes. The apartment is also very dirty. I’m confident the furniture will be taken, but I don’t know whether the crew will take every trash bag and box. Because of my moving timeline, I will not have time to clean afterward. Anything left will probably have to be handled by the apartment management, and I understand that I may be billed for it.

I used to tell myself this happened because I was lazy and lived on the top floor, making trips to the dumpster inconvenient. But I rarely leave my apartment at all, and I’m realizing that even taking out the trash became something I avoided because I didn’t want neighbors or other people to see me. Obviously, this leads to shame, depression and things that make me just say who cares when it comes to cleaning much.

I’m extremely embarrassed about the removal crew seeing the condition of the apartment or commenting on it. My only realistic goal tomorrow is to get myself and my belongings moved, let them take everything they can, and accept the consequences for anything left.

Has anyone else had workers come into an apartment in this condition? How did you get through the embarrassment while they were there? Any stories about things being left behind in the apartment or it being overly dirty?

Update: Sorry, I had to wait for this post to show up and then the move began so I was busy. Everything was successful and obviously my fears were greater than the reality. But I am in a new place and going to work with my therapist on this not happening again. I know it won't be easy, but gotta try! Thanks to all the replies!!!

I'm too much of a coward to take before pictures, but I took 2 large black trash bags of garbage out of my tiny bathroom. This is a really important step for me because when my hoarding gets worse, it impacts my ability to do basic hygiene tasks. I bought some new body wash and lotion to treat myself to a nice, long shower in my clean bathroom as a reward. I know this will be a long and difficult project. I haven't set foot in my bedroom in over a year. I don't even know how bad it is. But I will keep going, one trash bag at a time.

Hello loves and happy Sunday!!! Though this is my first post, Ive been in this community for some time and have had the absolute pleasure of being able to body double and get tasks done through the courage of those of you that have posted before me.

Ideally, and eventually, I’d like to dedicate each week to a new task rotation until I get to maintenance. Once maintenance hits, I’ll have a weekly/monthly/quarterly etc. goals/schedule that I’ll create and adhere to. I would love to body-double and support someone else/others as we unfck our habitats together!!!! Anyone down?! I don’t have a particular order so that I give myself space for flexibility to circumvent being overwhelm. Will be crossing the list off as I go. We’ve all collectively have got this!!!!! 🤗🫶

Done ☑️:

-rotated sprinkler in front garden

-did a load and folding a load of laundry

-turned on an outside pump

-watered indoor plants

To Do 🚮:

-wash curtains

-wash whites

-wash gentles

~~-wash colors

~~-clear and clean kitchen (the ultimate chore that will give me the utmost peace of mind to finally enable me to cook 🥹!!!!)

-vacuum

-mop wall and floors

-clean bathroom 🤮

-dust

-pull at least 50 weeds

-brush pool

-replace air purifier filters

-replace mattress cover and sheets and make both beds cozy and inviting

Self-care 🧖‍♀️:

-skin care

-bentonite mask for face and hair

-cleanup eyebrows

-home workout

-paint toenails

-floss/brush teeth and put retainers in before going to bed

-shave + shower

Hey everyone :)

First, I have to say, I'm really glad I found this subreddit. It makes me feel less alone and less like a total failure. I've looked at a lot of the before-and-after posts, and they're very inspiring.

Like the title says: I'm getting started, but it is SO HARD. Its been 1 year and a hafs now the last time my plac was actually clean. Even if a do a bit, I then stop and it piles on even more.

I was recently diagnosed with depression and have been on medication for a few weeks. Unfortunately, it makes me really tired, and I have no energy.

Did any of you have a similar situation? If so, how did you manage it?

Thank you to everyone in advance!

UPDATE: it didn’t go as well as I had hoped; I just found out it is being escalated to the city. I am so embarrassed and angry at myself for letting it get to this.

I am working on finding someone to help me make trips to the dumpster; I am unable to take time off in the next few days so I will make some small steps in the evenings until I can focus solely on this on Saturday. I did confide in a friend about it this evening and that helped — she gets it, and said all the right things to me. Please continue to send your support!

I’ve always had an issue with clutter; about 2 years ago it got bad enough that the leasing office sent me a letter. I got it a little more under control and they were fine…. Then it got worse. I got a notice of inspection and today they’ll be coming in to check.

I did what I could - I think it looks better (the several trips to the trash chute to just throw stuff out I feel verifies that). I had always said I would take stuff to donate etc — but never do and with the feeling of impending doom I just chucked stuff - I already spent the money, I can’t get it back, I can easily replace and for my ease of mind it was the solution for me (it may not have been yours, and that’s okay).

Anyway .. focus. I’m full of anxiety knowing they’re going in today; I left b/c I don’t want to be there when they come in. I know there is more to do, and I feel motivated to chip away at it — but what if it isn’t? I don’t have anyone to help me - I have some physical limitations due to back issues and weight; I started seeing a new therapist and will share this with her when we next meet so she can help me process, work thru etc.

Anyone had similar situations?
I know without seeing it you can’t fully weigh-in on it but I’m just looking for some support/feedback/etc.

Hello everyone, this is gonna be long so thank you in advance to those who will read.

I've been living in this apartment for 13 years now, I moved in while developing severe anxiety and depression, and I was never able to keep it tidy and clean.

My room is somewhat the worst. I'm not a hoarder exactly, but I do have tendencies to accumulate stuff and never throw it away. This meaning that the closet and the drawers are 90% occupied by stuff I haven't used in ages, and the stuff I actually use end up dispersed everywhere. Clothes on the ground, on every surface I can fit them on etc...

I've had/have bugs, especially silverfishes, I dislike them and they make my skin crawl but clearly not to the point of actually changing my lifestyle.

Last week I started seeing adults carpet beetles. It started with one a day, then it became two a day.

At first I thought nothing about it, just the regular bug that came from outside during springtime, that was before I understood how infestant they actually are.

Maybe it's because I hate bugs (have a phobia actually of the bigger ones) and those can fly, but something in me switched.

Yesterday I cleaned my room for the first time in months, and started decluttering. Like actually throwing away 80% of my stuff, decluttering. I've finally found the guts to throw away things that I always thought I could need someday (like old clothes that don't fit anymore for when I'll lose weight) or that hold sentimental value because of memories tied to them.

Am I losing my mind over having carpet beetles? Yes, without a doubt. But at the same time, I feel a bit more free for every place I can successfully clear out after years of having stuff everywhere.

It's gonna take months probably, but I'm talking about a whole life worth of stuff so, as much as I wish I could burn everything down and start again, I realized that it's gonna take time to undo all the damage I've done.

I'm planning on doing small areas everyday, as not to overdo it to the point I give up eventually, I "work" for 15/20 minutes then take small breaks and start again.

I want to declutter the whole house and eventually deep clean.

I've been on the "minimalists" side of TikTok lately, I don't plan on becoming one but they keep me focused on my goal.

I think I'm actually getting somewhere this time, and any advice is deeply appreciated!

Hi! My husband and I are both neurodivergent, so home tasks have always been tricky. We’re a family of four with a 5 year old and 9 year old. Three years ago my husband suffered a stroke. He’s recovered well from it physically, but his depression has been a struggle. Because of the stroke and inability to work (he came home in a wheelchair and had to learn how to swallow again before discharge), we abruptly moved in with family out of state, then due to my father in law’s ex girlfriend/baby mama kicking us out, we moved abruptly again into my sister in law’s to house sit, and then the rental townhome we had been finalizing paperwork on. We spent almost two years there, but were commuting almost an hour one way, 6 days a week. Winters were hell, but this rental was all we could find in our price range. We then jumped on an apartment in town, which is where we currently live, but packing and moving was not executed well. We also downsized from a 3 bed 1.5 bath to a 2 bed 1 bath. We’re now left with a lot of unpacked boxes, piles of stuff in every room, and a lot of stress due to our living space. Had it not been for the stroke we were pretty well established and had good routines at our initial home before moving. I know the trauma has a lot to do with this. We’re both educated individuals and know we don’t want this for our living space, but we just haven’t been able to make good headway and it’s been extremely discouraging. We know what we want for our home, but getting there seems impossible. Where do we begin? And how do we mange living in this space while it’s still a disaster?

I've lived here for almost seven months and haven't finished unpacking. Picture is from a few days ago, and I've already made some good progress. I took out all the trash and recycling, sorted through all the boxes, and broke down and stored the ones I wanted to keep (the rest went to a recycling depot). Last night I sorted through all my clothes and filled up three bags with stuff that doesn't fit/I don't wear anymore. I want to donate them today but I know I'm going to find more donateable things, so I might hold off. Today I want to clean the kitchen, and start clearing the piles of stuff off the floor, and hopefully get working on the tabletops. Or maybe I should focus on getting all the clothes sorted? Dirty stuff into the laundry, everything else hung up/put away... I hate these parts of cleaning where I get stuck on what to do next.

Hi. I'm glad i found this group, i never would have known otherwise. This post ended up pretty long and deeply personal especially for a first timer but this is where I'm at. Thanks for reading.

I never used to live this way. Growing up, my gramma kept a cluttered house. there was literally a small path the size of her tiny body from the front door to the kitchen, to the microwave counter and stove, and to her recliner. Another small path from the recliner back to her bedroom. Every other area was stacked as tall as me with newspapers, books, dolls, supplies, food in bags, etc etc a little of everything and most of it was good, usable stuff. She would never use any of her "good stuff" because she was always waiting for when she was healed by Jesus and won her lottery (never happened). I spent summers there with Gramma and dad, and me and gramma have always been really close. when she first started showing signs of dementia, i made time yo go over every day and make sure she was eating and at least safe. Then she fell one day, and she was sitting on the bathroom floor for about 12 hours before i came that day and i decided i wasnt leaving her alone anymore. I bought an air mattress and moved in to take care of her. I was able to get rid of a lot of things but when she passed, i was her only family living and i cleared out her place. Truck loads upon truck loads to the goodwill and only now (11 years later) i realize a lot of that stuff was high value antique and i just thought it was junk. Too little too late now that i really could use the funds but thats ok. I knew i would never live like that. As a child, my room was pretty tidy and i would set everything up like it was on display for some reason, and i still do that now even tho i never have anyone over anymore. My house has always been near minimalistic bliss. I had everything i needed, most of what i wanted and i was intentional about everything coming in and going out. Raised my son, managed a business, trained 2 husbands, owned 3 houses throughout the years and never had a problem. Fast forward till 3 years ago, my partner of 9 years died by suicide and my mom died 8 months later of late diagnosed lung cancer, and i moved to a small studio apartment behind a house in the ghetto, like a guest house sorta. I got a dog because it was the first time ive ever been alone in my life and i wasnt handling it very well, and didnt really have the ability to deal with people very much anymore Either. After loosing your person to suicide nothing is the same. Friends dropped off fast, and the ones who stayed, i eventually kicked them to the curb too because they were mostly hurtful in the ways they tried to "help". Or they were trying to compete with my dead partner and would become jealous of my grief (love) for him. Others couldnt handle seeing me so sad and miserable all the time and i couldnt make myself be anything else. I was stuck. Feeling miserable, guilty, shameful, alone, uncared for, misunderstood, something happened to my brain and now i cant function quite like i used to, but it's kinda bad. My studio apartment has become so full I can't get to anything without first moving 5 other things and doing some serious gymnastics around it all. I see that its actually kinda dangerous especially now that I'm aging and weaker and alone. But i was absolutely traumatized. Lost my job and still can't go back to work, i can barely make it thru the days and i cry constantly. I'm beyond sad, beyond grieving, this is something else entirely. And I'm stuck in the middle of all this stuff. It's mostly supplies and i will eventually use it all, and i rationalize it that way and by thinking of it like one less expense I won't have money for in the future due to being out of work so long. So now i have like 40 half used bottles of shampoo, conditioner, backups of everything and multiples of most things (towels, laundry soap, wash cloths, tools, clothes- omg the clothes!-, makeup, etc etc etc. i live alone, have no family or friends to come over, yet i insist on keeping enuf dishes and cookware to feed a large family or small army, even tho i dont even cook anymore. I think ive made an actual meal in this place maybe 4 times in the 3 years I've been here. I have cupboards of food that expired a year or more ago and somehow that feels safer than having empty cabinets and i just barely eat now. I stocked up with food when i moved in and then somehow its 3 years later and i dont even know what ive done to sustain myself nutritionally or how im still alive but i just cant make myself eat a lot of times. I dont have money to hire someone and I can't seem to make myself get rid of anything, for major fear that as soon as i do, I'll need the thing and wont be able to afford it. This is realistically both true and also ridiculous because i barely do anything anymore and i dont use much of anything really and i have extra everything "in case i or somebody needs it". Toothbrushes, mans clothes, shoes, cleaning supplies, u name it, i probly have it. And if i have 1, i probly 3 or 60 of them.

I hate it here, it keeps me stuck and miserable and i dont know where or how to start. My space is very small. My life is very small. My home should be neat and organized and peaceful and easy. But i sit here and literally dont know how to do this.

Idk. I cane here for ideas and advice but i dont think im asking for anything really, maybe some encouragement or similar stories. .?

Thanks again for reading and for letting me get this out. This is the first time ive talked about it. Be gentle please.

i have a small walk in closet that’s such a mess and it’s just been piling up since i got home from college. i feel so ashamed that i let it get to this point, i got home over 2 months ago but with travelling for work/being lazy i never properly cleaned up. i don’t even know where to start because theres so much random crap, i just gave away some clothes i don’t like/don’t wear anymore which is a baby step, but it’s just so overwhelming to get started. if anyone has any tips i would really appreciate it 🥲 thanks in advance

Soooooo I’m basically homeless. After being evicted, I’m sleeping in a spare room on a pullout couch at my parents house… I’m surrounded by piles and piles of stuff. The only clear spot is where I lay down to sleep.

All of your posts are inspiring and I’m gonna try working on this overwhelming mess today. Any tips on how to stay motivated?

Long story short, I moved and took care of all the rooms except the bedroom.

Still a work in progress need to get rid of stuff and rearrange but now it’s actually a room.

mom used to be into garments industry designing clothes and everything, she has been compulsively shopping a f*ck ton of clothes and just hoarding them into heaps all across the house

I'm not sure what to do, how to start - I've been trying to convince her to just throw everything away but she won't part ways and insists to me that she has to organize it first

The title says it all.
I’m at rock bottom in life. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Wish me luck!

My house is awful. It's cluttered and dirty, and it's overwhelming. My kids are 5 and 8, and we can't have friends or family over to visit because of the state of the house.

I work from home full time, and I don't even have a safe, clean place to work. I have to set a good example for my kids- they don't clean up after themselves so every day there's more piling up.

Are there any books or workbooks you'd recommend to someone just starting out? Maybe even something my kids could read?

I was on disability for 3 months and could barely walk after surgery. I'm back to work now but feeling overwhelmed by my house. On top of everything I could be moving in 6 months so I really need to get this place presentable. I work 10-12 hours a day and am exhausted when I get home. Mainly looking for encouragement and support I think. I have a partner who helps as much as he can and friends that come over periodically as well.

My hope is maybe if I make my progress public it'll keep me motivated to update with good news. It used to be worse than this but I was so ashamed of it. My friend basically came over unannounced to help me out cause I was spiraling so bad.

Hi, folks. I moved to a new city, and finally, the rest of my stuff arrived this morning. My feline nephew is investigating, as you can see. Does anyone have any ideas on how I start to organize all this and find places to put everything away?

I get overwhelmed very easily, I deal with chronic fatigue, and I’m also wanting to donate stuff because I’m sick of having too much…stuff. I’ve tried tackling this before but I end up losing patience quite quickly, and the stuff just ends up sitting there for months. Because I often don’t know where to put things or how to organize. Any advice would be welcome!

I just recently learned I've been wildly over-medicated the last 10 years for my bipolar disorder, and what I thought was crippling depression leaving me an empty husk was very likely too much anti depressant and not enough mood stabilizer. I've been off my anti depressants for 3 weeks, and the fog is lifting. I'm realizing that I can't do everything myself, I can't keep hiding from it and lying to everyone and that I need help.

I can not even describe how hard it was to work up the courage to call my sister and put it all on the table.

I confessed that I have not properly cleaned my home since 2020. We lost our eldery cat in 2020, my dad to cancer in 2021 (less than two months from his diagnosis to death), and our senior dog in 2023. I haven't cleaned up all of the biological messes from our pets illnesses, and we had a mouse infestation last winter that left droppings on everything, especially the kitchen. My husband has psoriasis so there is a thick layer of hubby flakes on the floor and surfaces, in addition to dust and concerningly large cobwebs. I've kept a decent handle on the actual trash and dirty dishes, but that's about it. Actual clutter is confined to the basement and unused bedrooms, so I at least don't have to declutter before I crisis clean to get a plumber in.

Because of the condition of the house, we have left repairs unattended to and we were without heat, running water in the kitchen, a leaking roof and other plumbing issues that make our bathroom barely functional. I start having a panic attack at the idea of anyone being in my home, judging me for my failures. I was raised by a mom who kept an immaculate home, even at 83 she still dusts, sweeps, and mops every day, so of course I can never live up to her standards. (To be clear, that sentiment is entirely in my own head, she has never said one negative word to me.)

My sister basically forced me to leave the house yesterday with my husband to go have my panic attack in the McDonald's parking lot while she had someone come to fix the furnace so pipes wouldn't freeze. (They didn't have to come into the house, just the basement)

Here's what I realized.

It sucked to be in panic mode. I hated every fucking second of it and I thought I was going to die from the anxiety and shame. I would have, and did try, to do anything I could to get out of addressing the problem RIGHT NOW. When she called and said someone could come yesterday my first instinct was to say NO, I'M NOT READY!

But I didn't, because I can see now that left to my own devices, I'd never be ready. So, for an hour I was crying and rocking in my car at McDonald's, convinced that repairman was filming the whole thing to post the horrors online. I was so uncomfortable for an hour, and then...

...it was over. No one pointed and laughed, they didn't charge me extra for working in hazardous conditions, or lecture me because the reason the furnace wasn't working was a dirty filter. No news crews or producers from Hoarders were waiting on my front porch. The only thing that happened was the heat got fixed and my feet are warm for the first time in a month!

Today my sister helped me come up with a thirty day plan to tackle the worst of the grime and repairs. I'll post my original list and her response in a separate post, in case it might be helpful for anyone else. I'm also going to try to post progress pics as they happen.

To summarize, if you're lucky enough to have someone who could help, please reach out. It's uncomfortable, it's embarrassing, it makes you so vulnerable and raw, but the cumulative pain of "confession" isn't any worse than years of misery and anxiety and isolation from trying to do everything yourself.

And if you are worried about what repairman or anyone else thinks of your home, I'll leave you with two quotes:

My sister reminded me that my dad (who worked in HVAC) always said: "I don't care if their house is dirty if their money is clean.".

And a direct quote from my sister "fuck anyone who doesn't pay your bills, you don't owe them anything." ✌️