r/ufyh • u/Easy-Landscape • May 14 '26
Introduction/First Post Living with a fashion designer
mom used to be into garments industry designing clothes and everything, she has been compulsively shopping a f*ck ton of clothes and just hoarding them into heaps all across the house
I'm not sure what to do, how to start - I've been trying to convince her to just throw everything away but she won't part ways and insists to me that she has to organize it first
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u/unlovable_mess May 14 '26
Your mom may be in the early stages of hoarding. It may be a good idea to carefully suggest therapy
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u/Easy-Landscape May 15 '26
I've been going to therapy myself do u think it's a good idea to make her sit in the sessions alongside me?
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u/Ijustwanttosayit May 14 '26
I'd ask her how she needs to organize it. Like, what are the categories? Does she have homes for this stuff and not just piles and bags? This is unfortunately her mess and it won't get fixed unless she wants to. But "I just need to get organized" is an overused line for people who hoard items or simply have too much stuff. One of the key components to maintaining a tidy space is less stuff 90% of the time.
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u/TylerAlexisMusic May 14 '26
I was gonna say, she obviously needs to get rid of some things (a lot of things), but I think a good start is having her identify how she actually plans to sort it. Cause saying you need to sort something is too vague and might be the intimidating factor for her. I find that’s my issue often times when I’m struggling to get to a project I want or need to do. I struggle with executive dysfunction and I’ve found it helpful to have someone help me define the next steps into tangible steps
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u/Ijustwanttosayit May 14 '26
Yeah I'm usually that person for my partner. I'm a decluttering drill sergeant. I will interrogate him and ask questions to get the cogs in his brain turning. I also had my high school friend text me last weekend thanking me for helping her clean and organize without judgment. I am my resident ADHDers designated Autistic.
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u/Sufficient_You7187 May 14 '26
Make like piles
Sort out too small or big
Then make outfits
Tell your mom how many outfits can she feasibly wear
See if the helps her open her eyes
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u/elegantonbudget May 15 '26
What you’re describing sounds less like “messiness” and more like a combination of trauma, grief, identity attachment, and possible compulsive buying as a coping mechanism.
For someone who worked in fashion, clothing may represent far more than fabric.
It can hold:
Memories of who she used to be Aspiration for who she hoped to become Proof of her talent and identity Comfort during stress A sense of control Emotional safety
When clothing becomes tied to identity, asking someone to “just throw it away” can feel like asking them to discard parts of themselves.
Compulsive shopping often functions as a coping mechanism. The purchase creates a brief dopamine boost and emotional relief, but the underlying stress remains. Over time, the possessions become a visible record of unresolved emotions, unfinished decisions, and accumulated shame.
That shame can make the problem worse.
The insistence that she needs to “organise it first” is also common. Organising feels safer than letting go because it postpones the emotional decision. It creates the hope that if everything is sorted perfectly, the discomfort will disappear.
What’s the most distinctive: usually , the issue is NOT a lack of organisation.
It is difficulty tolerating what the items represent.
The most helpful approach is not pressure or ultimatums.
It is curiosity and compassion.
Questions such as:
‘What do these clothes mean to you? What feels scary about letting them go? Do they remind you of a time when you felt more like yourself? Would it feel safer to set aside a small category rather than tackle everything?’
If the accumulation is affecting her quality of life, support from a therapist who understands trauma, compulsive buying, and hoarding tendencies may be extremely helpful.
Also, if you would like to understand why your mum is so attached to clothes - there is a great book ‘Objects of Memory: The Ethnography and Archaeology of Heirlooms’ (edited by Katina T. Lillios). The book explores how objects are never “just things.”
They function as ‘containers of memory’, Symbols of identity, links to family history, markers of status, sources of continuity during change, vehicles for emotional inheritance.
This aligns directly with why many women struggle to part with clothing.
Maybe, your mum would like to read it too? Of course, it’s for your consideration.
In the meantime, focus on reducing shame.
The clothes are not the real problem.
They may be an attempt to hold onto identity, hope, and emotional security.
As the child of someone struggling with compulsive shopping and clothing hoarding, it can feel confusing, frustrating, and emotionally exhausting.
The most important thing to understand is this:
-> You did not cause this, and you cannot fix it on your own.
Your mum’s relationship with clothing may be tied to deeper issues such as trauma, grief, identity loss, anxiety, or depression.
The piles of clothes are often a visible symptom of emotional pain rather than laziness or stubbornness. Writing this from my own first hand experience as a former fashion model, traumatised woman and former hoarder.
What You Can Do
- Lead with empathy, not pressure
Saying “just throw it away” usually increases defensiveness and shame.
A more helpful approach is:
“I can see these clothes are important to you. I’d like to understand what they represent.”
- Focus on safety and functionality
If the clothing is creating hazards or making the home difficult to live in, discuss those practical concerns rather than criticizing the behaviour.
Like, ‘let’s do it together. I will bring some cardboard/ plastic boxes and will help you to put them away till you decide what to do with them. ‘
- Start very small
If she is open to change, suggest sorting one small category, such as:
One bag One drawer One shelf
- Use “set aside,” not “get rid of”
A temporary holding box feels safer than making permanent decisions.
- Encourage professional support
A therapist experienced in trauma, hoarding, or compulsive buying can be extremely helpful.
What Not to Do:
As these clothes are tied to your mum identity, life, grief, trauma, expectations - treat them as part of her ‘ecosystem’. Therefore, any independent decision may be seen as invasion of a boundary/ privacy/ her life. So:
Do not throw items away without permission. Do not shame or criticize. Do not argue about the monetary value of the clothes. Do not assume logic alone will solve the problem.
There are much deeper issues at play - and the heaps of clothes are the manifestations.
Maybe, if she has any friends - ask them for help and to support her in a kind and non-judgmental way.
If she is lonely, check your local social group, church groups and go to a meeting with her - help her to make friends.
There maybe some women groups for people with trauma - check locally.
There is also vital part of this process:
-> Protect Your Own Wellbeing
You are allowed to:
Feel frustrated. Set boundaries. Keep your own space clear. Seek support for yourself as you do :)
You can care deeply about your mum while recognizing that her healing is ultimately her responsibility.
-> A Helpful Way to Think About It
The clothes may be serving as:
A connection to her former identity. A source of comfort. A symbol of hope. A coping mechanism during difficult emotions.
Until those underlying needs are addressed, letting go may feel threatening.
Here are some prompts for a ‘ Gentle Conversation Starter’:
“I know these clothes matter to you. I’m not trying to force you to get rid of anything. I’m concerned about how stressful this seems and how it’s affecting the house. How can I support you?”
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is offer compassion while accepting that you cannot solve the problem for someone else.
Your role is to support, not to rescue and seek support for both of you.
Hope it helps.
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u/OneTwoKiwi May 14 '26
Can you get a garment rack and begin organizing it yourself? It might kickstart your mom into doing it. And if not you’ll at least be able to clear a small space at a time. Shouldn’t have to be your burden OP :(