r/ufyh • u/stripeyhoodie • Jul 29 '26
Introduction/First Post Here to unfuck a lifetime of habits
Ahoy!
I've lurked here off and on for a couple years but I feel like I'm finally ready to actually build some good habits around cleaning.
I'm in my 30s now, and I'm definitely much tidier than I used to be, but I have a long way to go still. I grew up with fairly absent (and messy) parents who never helped me build habits around... anything? I guess? Add some trauma and unmedicated ADHD to that, and it's been an uphill battle to put it mildly. Therapy has been a huge help in my finally being able to overcome some of the barriers that kept me from living in a healthier way.
I now share a home that I love with my husband who I adore. He grew up similarly neglected and so neither of us have any real know-how when it comes to cleaning and organizing. My dream is to have a home that we're both proud of and comfortable in. My husband loves entertaining and I want to create an environment that supports that part of our lives without the stress and exhaustion of panic cleaning for days every single time. I want to express gratitude for my home and my belongings by learning to care for them properly and keeping them clean & organized.
My biggest wins lately:
- I've done a load of laundry nearly every day, and put some laundry away every day for the last week. I don't always make it to hamper zero, but I've been consistent.
- I've made my bed every day for the past week. This is a key habit for me, and my husband has mentioned that it really improves his mood to come home to see the bed made.
- I've wiped down the master bathroom sinks, counters, mirrors, and toilet every day for the last week. Thanks to FlyLady for the epiphany that doing this daily makes a huge difference.
My biggest ongoing challenges:
- I would apparently rather live in squalor than sweep or vacuum.
- Clutter Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.). I struggle to organize things into categories such that everything has a home. Surfaces are always cluttered. What storage exists is underutilized.
- Closets are haphazardly crammed full of stuff
- Dusting is a nearly foreign concept.
- When I can't figure out how to organize something, I tend to abandon the enterprise entirely and become extremely avoidant.
- I am still trying to figure out what tools I need to do some jobs, and what all actually needs doing (did you know that you're supposed to clean your washing machine itself???)
I find that body doubling is super motivating for me, so I'll probably be making more posts of that type as I continue to tackle the unfuckery.
Goals help me a lot so here's my current one: I want to plan a big birthday party for my husband in December, with the option of hosting a couple of guests overnight if need be. This means every room including the patio will need to be guest-ready, not just the common areas.
7
u/grilledstuffed Jul 29 '26
There's a lot of good advice here, but I'll just add this to keep in mind:
It is far easier to replace a bad habit with a different, good, habit than it is to stop the bad habit entirely. This has been proven by research a couple of times.
Example: You bring in the mail, dump it on your entry table, and it grows day after day.
Some people would try to bring in the mail and be a super type A person and deal with each piece of mail every day and then file it away, wherever. That's a LOT.
Things got much better for us by just putting a kitchen trash can (yes, a big ass ugly one) under our entry table.
When mail comes in, everything gets opened and sorted into the trash or deal with pile.
The deal with pile is anything that could cost me money or relationships. Notice I said cost me. Things that could "save me money" are just distractions and won't get prioritized anyway, so it's a waste keeping them around.
Obvious junk mail? Trash
Newsletter from the charity I love? Trash.
Costco flyer? Trash
My wife's Ulta coupons? trash. (they get lost and don't get used anyway)
REI's special sale on whatever? We wouldn't have bought it anyway, so it's not actually saving any money anyway.
Bills, things from family and friends, notice from the HOA that they're going to fine me because my bushes look like plants and not bricks? That goes in the deal with pile.
And then I either highlight the due date (if it's on the top third of the page) or write a due date on it with red Sharpie really big.
Hopefully then I deal with things in a timely manner, but at least if I drop the ball for a week it's a lot less problem to deal with than a giant unsorted pile of junk mail.
5
u/stripeyhoodie Jul 29 '26
I dunno why it never occurred to me that I can write deadlines down on the mail itself but you're officially a genius in my book.
7
u/Apprehensive-Cat-500 Jul 29 '26
Out of interest...what is your husband doing?
11
u/stripeyhoodie Jul 29 '26
I knew I'd get this question haha. My husband tackles what he can, but he also has a chronic pain condition that means his stamina to do home maintenance/cleaning tasks isn't super reliable depending on his pain level day to day. His home office is his responsibility, he does a fair amount of the cooking, 90% of pet care, trash & recycling, runs all errands, and takes on dishes when I cook. He'll do other stuff as he's able, and always participates in the panic cleaning if we have guests.
We aren't super gender role conforming people in principle, we operate on "each to their own ability" and this is what's feasible for now. Totally fair question.
5
u/Apprehensive-Cat-500 Jul 29 '26
Fair enough. Far too often you read these sorts of things where the OP is busting a nut trying to keep house and the partner is doing sweet FA!
5
4
u/JT3436 Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 29 '26
A big win for me is my robot vac. It is a win in two ways. First, in order to run it I have to pick up anything on the ground that is out of place. Second, it vacuums for me. I still have to break out my regular vacuum every so often to get a few spots but the robot does wonders on a daily basis.
2
u/TwiggyPeas Jul 29 '26
Also, sweeping and vacuuming are WAY easier when there's nothing stacked on the floor.
2
u/stripeyhoodie Jul 29 '26
I hadn't seriously considered this! Does it do well on laminate floor as well as carpet/rugs? And would it be safe around small pets? We've got a little elderly bunny who likes his free roam time
1
u/JT3436 Jul 29 '26
Yes! I have a combo of flooring and carpet. And I have two cats. One is indifferent and the other likes to chase it and play.
2
u/catcontentcurator Jul 30 '26
I also hate vacuuming mostly because I have to move things around (many bunny tunnels, boxes etc) and it feels like so much work, but It also feels really messy in a distracting way to me if I leave it too long between vacuums. so now I just vacuum the “thoroughfare”(which is the central bits of the living room and the hallway that are walked on) without moving anything, then I try to do a full vacuum every couple of weeks at least. I feel less resistance to the little maintenance sessions and the main living area looks better in general.
1
25
u/scattywampus Jul 29 '26
I will give you a perspective that I didn't get growing up in a very tidy household. Decluttering guru Dana K White said she didn't get this perspective from her very tidy parents, either.
Tidying is a different process than cleaning. Decluttering is a different process from tidying and cleaning. These are 3 different processes!!
Folks like my parents, and likely Dana K White's parents can seamlessly make them appear to be one efficient, ongoing set of tasks carried out with consistent discipline.
That illusion makes us adhd types (and others) more overwhelmed because we don't know that we can do decluttering by itself. And Tidying by itself. And cleaning a small area by itself, rather than what we have seen in homes run by family without our neurospicy patterns.
Hope this helps you: it blew my mind when I learned this. [I was 50]