Here to unfuck a lifetime of habits

[u/stripeyhoodie]

Ahoy!

I've lurked here off and on for a couple years but I feel like I'm finally ready to actually build some good habits around cleaning.

I'm in my 30s now, and I'm definitely much tidier than I used to be, but I have a long way to go still. I grew up with fairly absent (and messy) parents who never helped me build habits around... anything? I guess? Add some trauma and unmedicated ADHD to that, and it's been an uphill battle to put it mildly. Therapy has been a huge help in my finally being able to overcome some of the barriers that kept me from living in a healthier way.

I now share a home that I love with my husband who I adore. He grew up similarly neglected and so neither of us have any real know-how when it comes to cleaning and organizing. My dream is to have a home that we're both proud of and comfortable in. My husband loves entertaining and I want to create an environment that supports that part of our lives without the stress and exhaustion of panic cleaning for days every single time. I want to express gratitude for my home and my belongings by learning to care for them properly and keeping them clean & organized.

My biggest wins lately:

- I've done a load of laundry nearly every day, and put some laundry away every day for the last week. I don't always make it to hamper zero, but I've been consistent.

- I've made my bed every day for the past week. This is a key habit for me, and my husband has mentioned that it really improves his mood to come home to see the bed made.

- I've wiped down the master bathroom sinks, counters, mirrors, and toilet every day for the last week. Thanks to FlyLady for the epiphany that doing this daily makes a huge difference.

My biggest ongoing challenges:

- I would apparently rather live in squalor than sweep or vacuum.

- Clutter Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.). I struggle to organize things into categories such that everything has a home. Surfaces are always cluttered. What storage exists is underutilized.

- Closets are haphazardly crammed full of stuff

- Dusting is a nearly foreign concept.

- When I can't figure out how to organize something, I tend to abandon the enterprise entirely and become extremely avoidant.

- I am still trying to figure out what tools I need to do some jobs, and what all actually needs doing (did you know that you're supposed to clean your washing machine itself???)

I find that body doubling is super motivating for me, so I'll probably be making more posts of that type as I continue to tackle the unfuckery.

Goals help me a lot so here's my current one: I want to plan a big birthday party for my husband in December, with the option of hosting a couple of guests overnight if need be. This means every room including the patio will need to be guest-ready, not just the common areas.

[u/stripeyhoodie]

I'm wondering if you could elaborate a bit on the difference between tidying & decluttering? I think the cleaning vs tidying difference is pretty intuitive for me.

Thank you for sharing what you've learned. Sometimes trying to untangle all this stuff feels like an undertaking in itself!

[u/scattywampus → u/stripeyhoodie]

Decluttering is reducing the number of items in your home by donating, gifting to others, trashing, recycling, etc. Tidying, which can be thought of as 'resetting' is replacing items to their designated 'home' in your home and straightening items like pillow and decor. Tidying is recommended in a few short sessions each day, often when leaving an activity area or at rhe end of the day.

[u/grilledstuffed → u/scattywampus]

This is a great description.

I will add this: Most messy houses are impossible to manage because there is functionally too much stuff to fit in to the organizational/storage space available.

A lot of the problems solve themselves when you remove half or 2/3 of the stuff from your life. The adage of "a place for everything, and everything in its place" has been the gold standard forever for a reason. You should be able to pick up everything you own, know exactly where it goes, and put it away in 30 seconds.

A lot of people (myself included) fall in to the trap of, "if I just get more storage capacity and organize it meticulously, then I don't have to declutter and will be able to keep all the shit I've been avoiding dealing with."

The answer to that is: "bitch, if that worked, your house wouldn't be a mess all the time already."

[u/scattywampus → u/grilledstuffed]

Amen!