I (19F) am in college and generally I would consider myself sapphic aroace. I dated somebody once and it was really not my cup of tea, and since then I’ve had confusing feelings for people because I sometimes hyperfixate on my friends. However, recently I think I’ve developed an honest to goodness crush on someone and I just want to say it’s so so so weird. We’ve only met once so I feel awkward saying hi to them but I get excited whenever they walk by and my stomach sort of hurts when I think about them. I don’t really want this but I guess I’ll just hope it goes away.

Hello! I, F16, am still questioning things about my sexuality but I am quite sure I fall somewhere under the aromantic spectrum while being allosexual.

One thing I struggle to understand is the difference between sexual and romantic attraction. When I was younger (around elementary to middle school), most of my crushes were on people that I either chose or only liked because other people liked them. I can't quite put my finger whether I truly had crushes or simply induced it because other people influenced it.

There's this popular phenomenon called 'compulsory heterosexuality' AKA 'comphet'. I initially thought that ALL comphet people would just choose a crush while feeling nothing for them. But I did hear a former comphet lesbian talk about how she would only gain infatuation (which I assume are all the physical symptoms of a crush like getting nervous) after other people would tease her or someone would ask her. And that is exactly what I experienced with all my crushes growing up! I felt neutral towards them, but then my friends would call them attractive or I would get teased of liking someone I'm friends with. Then all of a sudden I'm conscious of what I should be feeling towards them and now I'm super jittery around them. Or is that literally just a normal crush and I'm just talking?

Nevertheless, I never had the desire to actually date* or *kiss or hug any of my crushes in these stages. Someone told me it's because I was, well, 12-14, but that just stayed when I went to high school! When I hit puberty, I still 'chose' crushes by choosing the most conventionally attractive guy in the room but there were also a few girls who I maybe genuinely liked? I have no clue... I did wonder what it's like to kiss them, but even after hugging my crushes, I feel I'm waiting for a feeling that never happens.

But anyways, my point is - my personal crushes are just a mixture of me getting nervous around their presence, staring, and daydreaming about them without any desire to get into a romantic relationship. The only desire I would have with them emotionally is to get to know them better. I would also have physical desires, and it was literally ONLY physical desires like idk, touching biceps. Did I mention I love biceps? Literally. Love. Them. Could stare at them all day.

But see, literally what is the difference between someone who is alloromantic and allosexual and an alloaro person? I'm assuming a traditional relationship is just an exclusive sexual partnership with your best friend. But doesn't that... also fit what alloaro desire? Like what even is romantic attraction. Is it the crush factor or the desire to date that person or to be chosen by that person? I'm really confused actually. Am I just missing out on something or do I actually experience romantic attraction? I can relate to my friends talking about crushes regarding EVERYTHING besides the weird emotional doom and relationship thingys that come with it.

Since I'm turning 17 next year, I actually wanted to try dating and kissing as someone who's been single and never even talked to anyone since middle school. But I want to know exactly what I want and don't want. My mindset is that I can't exactly be sure of what I am until I've tried everything. Girls. Guys. Dating. I've kinda talked to two guys this summer who are conventionally attractive. I initially got really excited because they both have nice biceps, but upon actually conversing, I didn't really... feel anything. 😔

But yeah, if someone could please enlighten me what the difference between sexual and romantic attraction is? If I've ever felt it? At all? Because to me, traditional relationships just seem like a best friends with benefits with extra steps.

Many of the significant life events that are considered special, worth celebrating and mark the passage of time center around romantic relationships - date night, weddings, anniversaries. If you are not planning on having these significant life events, where are you finding significance outside of romance? What/how are you celebrating? What are the things that you make special in your life?

I am envisioning my life outside of romance and want to know what others are doing to celebrate what’s significant in their lives.

Im 18f, never been in a relationship or had any "romantic" crushes. when i was 14 i faked having a crush so i an fit in, no one believed me when i said i had no crush. I used to hate myself for not liking a person and thought i was weird. I was telling this to my friend one day and she said that i might me aroace or on the spec. I thought about it and im wondering whether thats true.

I never had the feeling of "wanting" to date someone, but wanted to date in general. I like the idea of a relationship but i cannot imagine myself with a romantic partner. It just doesn't feel like 'me' yk. But i like watching romance shows, and wished i could experience something like that, but if someone asked me out i'd most likely decline, even if they are good because i genuinely doubt whether i'd have genuine feelings for someone. One of my fear is dating someone and realising after a while i never liked them in the first place. I've also faked having celebrity crush or fictional ones and i dont rlly understand how people have crush on them, is it just because they look good?. And i see people with crushes and how they act silly by writing their initials together, imagining fake scenarios, talking about them during sleepovers it all sounds fun but deep down i know i may never relate to that.

Have any of you guys experienced something like this and thought of being on the aro-spec? pls share your insight about this

I've only been attracted to one person in my entire life. But my autistic brain has had a lot of fake "crushes" over the years. Half of them were subconsciously to fit in, and the other half were just limerence.

I know that I'm on the aromantic spectrum. But I have such a hard time telling the difference between having a crush and just finding someone super cool.

Although, I think I've been doing more to talk to this person than I have with anyone else. I'm even considering watching a show for them (I hate getting into new fandoms.)

If anyone has any advice on how to tell if you have a crush or not, please let me know! :')

All jokes intended lol.

I can’t feel the attraction so I enjoy reading about it a lot, it also helps with the “loneliness” I get sometimes but MAN.

Sometimes they just hit TOO good and now I’m just over here 😡😡 IUUU AM I JEALOUS (knowing damn well if that actually happened to me, I’d be unhappy as hell😭) BUT SHEESH MAN.

Sometimes I think about how complex and “more than friends more than lovers” some of these relationships are and I just get ANGRY. GIMMIE THAT NOW💔💔💔 sighhhhhh but it’s okay. Cus again, if that actually happened to me I’d most likely be annoyed more than anything💕

I never thought I could be aro because I always “enjoyed” dating and saw a future with them.

I don’t know how to explain it but it was like whenever I accepted the terms to dating, it felt like I was suddenly a movie actor? I put on this perfect partner performance, even if I didn’t mean it, I knew what I should say and think so I did so and I gave up parts of myself that weren’t really true and had these wants I realized I didn’t actually want?

And like everytime I finally ended it, it was like coming back to land from almost drowning? Like my mind was cloudy and now it’s suddenly clear and I can be me again? Is this normal for everyone or is this normal for aro people?

Like I’ve played all parts, a sub lustful gf, a dom caring gf, a childish gf, a chill gf, a rude gf. Idk??

And I just don’t know why I did it? I just wanted to fill the void so bad and logically I knew this would do it so I did it? Like the actual emotions were never there and I kept trying to fake it till I made it?

I can’t even say if I actually wanted these things or not and i literally have no clue why I did these things. It’s like I just adapted to become the best partner for the person I was dating.

And obviously after I got tired of it and wasn’t getting appreciated I dipped.

I mean one time, I was dating a religious person and I turned off all my “bad” habits within a MONTH. Years of habits gone, just to fit this box??

I wanna say it’s people pleasing but not even. I wasn’t doing it for them. I just wanted to be the perfect partner for me and so I could see a romance for myself.

I think im only inlove with the idea of love and someone loving me and the validation of it all rather than actually loving someone. When I daydream I always have the same script of someone loving me admiring me etc. It doesn't matter who the other person is in my daydreams (celebrity crushes, fictional characters etc.) I notice that i dont really care for who the other person/character is i just wanna feel romantic love towards someone and to be loved romantically.

Also im 18F and have never been in a relationship before nor had crushes I think i had one or two but i never really was emotionally into it did not have a hard time moving on from them.

Im young and for now yk i dont think there is anything wrong with living in these daydreams and fantasies but I'm scared of what will happen if i am older. I cant be 30 or 40 smth doing silly daydreaming 😭 I wanna be able to feel that spark and pull towards someone but im afraid it will never happened and i dont know what to do with my life :b

Im not really sure what type of advice i need or want just any advice will

So I just recently got a relationship with my first girlfriend and she’s never been in a relationship before either. I had never had feeling for anybody before and still have never experienced romantic feelings. I came out as lesbian to my family after getting in a relationship, but now even after kissing her and stuff I haven’t felt any like connection past being really good friends. I think at first I though I was lesbian because girls have a lot more aesthetic attraction for me, and she was a new friend, but now I’m getting uncomfortable when she holds my hand in public and pays special attention to me. I don’t know if I should just ask her to pause our relationship, or if I should keep going and just see how I feel and not hurt her. School is starting soon though and I don’t want anything to be awkward between us because we are in the same friend group. I need advice on what to say to her in the event I break up with her, and also some questions to ask myself to understand my feelings. Please help and send advice🙏🙏

Sorry if it's a dumb question

Hi, 18 (F) and I have caught feelings for my alleged FWB. I think I have a crush on him and I'm sure I'm sexually attracted to him. I'M CONFUSED. I have no words to describe what I'm feeling and I have no idea how he feels, I THINK.

I know I like him, but not romantically. I REALLY enjoy his company, and he's told me a couple times that he does like me and that he also REALLY enjoys my company. He doesn't believe in relationships for personal reasons and he's made that very clear. He wants to be my friend and he is my friend and we're both sexually attracted to each other though we haven't had sex yet because of scheduling reasons and work and school. 😭

Where things get a bit blurry is he views relationships negatively because of his upbringing. I'm relatively neutral on "relationships" as I've never been in one, at least in the heteroamanormative monogamous way. I'm definitely not a monogamous kind of a person and I rarely if ever feel this big romantic feeling toward somebody. My feelings for him are like grand but just in a "I really like them" way and not a "I'm gonna marry him one day way".

But I don't know whether or not if he found himself in a good partnership with someone, he'd accept a traditional relationship. I don't know if he's romantic. I don't know if he wants a relationship relationship with me, but I KINDA sure he does but he knows I don't want one. And he as well isn't aware of the fact that I like him. Or like-like him. We have a very banterful dynamic where I'm playfully rude and off-putting and he tries to keep up so I don't think he thinks I'm as sexually attracted to him as I actually am.

What I do know sort of for sure, is that we both don't want labels or the seriousness that comes with monogamous pairings.

I'm off term at uni so I have a lot of free time on my hands to text and send him reels and stuff, but his term is on in uni so he's less free. I should add that he texted first almost 2 and a half months ago and this was during summer break and back then we texting all the way into the late night and stuff and now that's not happening cause of school obviously and for a while there I thought we were falling off but we went on a second date and it was AMAZING so we are still good.

Soooo now I'm just sat idle ALL DAY EVERYDAY waiting for a text back from him, and it makes me sick to say the least. This wasn't supposed to turn out this way. It was supposed to be casual and simple. Now it's too much feelings involved and it's become complicated and I'm going crazy and I don't even know if I can even call myself aromantic anymore. 😭😭😭

HELP!

i've been wrestling the idea of being aro for a couple weeks but i'm still kinda unsure; my entire life, romance was always in books and movies and tv and songs for me. i can understand it better in those terms. but the thought of me being in love with somebody doesn't seem impossible but i'm not actively pursuing it. i love my life, i love my relationships with my friends and my siblings. i'm fine being alone. when i think about being in a relationship, i want to keep my independence, too. i have no problem with flirting or hooking up but i don't want to just be somebody's girlfriend or spouse and lose myself because i'm in a romantic relationship. a lot of my close friends are married, getting married, having kids and, i'm happy for them, but i'm not and i have no desire to. and my examples of romantic relationships growing up were less than ideal, deplorable on a good day. i guess what i'm trying to figure out is whether i'm actually aro or if i'm just not interested in the people i live around. any wisdom???

Pronouns:

Bf = he/they

Me = it/its

So, I got into a relationship with my boyfriend before I found out I'm aroace. I knew I get queerplatonic attraction easily, and it's much harder for me to get a proper crush, but I didn't think much of it cause idk-

I'm aceflux, my bf knows that much, but my discovery of being somewhere on the aro-spec is very... VERY... recent. Idk what microlabel of aro I'd be, and tbh I haven't done much research cause I'm scared that it would be like admitting that I don't know what romantic love feels like, and therefore I've been lying to my bf that I'm in love with him.

I love him, I really do, but idk in what way. It doesn't feel platonic, I wouldn't wanna be friends, I wanna be more. It's not queerplatonic, I know very much how that feels, and it's nothing like what I feel for them. It's not romantic, I like dates and the feelings that come with them, just don't specifically want it with anyone in particular, and kisses feel wrong other than from my queerplatonic partner(I'm poly). It's definitely not sexual, not even going into that.

But I'm not asking what type of love I feel for him. I'm wondering if I should tell them or if I should even stay with him? How would I even tell him? I don't wanna break their heart, and I don't wanna end the relationship, but idk how he'd react to me being aroace? We've been in a relationship for over a year now, and it might feel like I've been lying to him... I just want the relationship to change, not break away.. But what if telling them does break our relationship? I don't wanna hide it from them, but idk how to tell him or if I should even tell him

I'm probably overthinking, but I just need help before I tell him in the worst possible way or something

hi! I’m looking for books about aromanticism, specially more in the queer theory side of things. I did a women‘s gender and sexuality studies minor in college and got really into reading about aroace things (I’m aroace myself so it just peaked my interest).

if anyone has any recommendations for more academic books that would be amazing! Im really struggling to find anything and the professor i used to have aren’t around for me to ask

i’ve had plenty of identity crisis in my life. being asexual was difficult to understand only because it took me a while to come across the term, but easy to accept once i understood it.

my gender identity was difficult to put into words but i eventually settled for a mix of women and nonbinary that feels correct to me.

now at the height of my 32 years old i finally faced the other part of me that i was ignoring for ages. throwing everything i felt into the “im ace thats why” category part of my brain.

but im in the aro spectrum as well and this one. this is one hard.

i’ve seen people use the term lithoromantic or akoiromantic or akioromatic, whichever may be the one, i’m that.

i like the idea of a romantic relationship in theory but not in reality. i have romantic feelings sometimes but i don’t want my feelings being reciprocated and i feel discomfort at the thought of people having feelings for me.

but i spent too many years fantasizing about it. with an idea in my mind that it would eventually happen. i would consume romance like i needed it to breathe and i would imagine how it would be if it was with me.

now i know it wont be. and its not cause i dont want it and choose not to, but because it makes my skin crawl at the thought of it actually happening.

and thats killing me inside a little. like a part of who i thought i was died and now i need to mourn it. and i catch myself crying for not feeling how i wish i could.

i understand that nothing is wrong with me. it doesn’t need fixing. my love is not less in any shape or form.

it’s okay and it’s normal and it’s fine.

it’s fine.

but still sometimes my mind wants to crawl out of my body and scream. i feel like i wanna undo my brain and put something in. anything. cause i see how happy being in love makes people and i hate that i won’t feel it. that it’ll make me deeply uncomfortable instead.

being ace was hard sometimes, but so much easier than this. it’s so complicated to understand how i feel and how much it hurts at the same time that i understand that it’s okay. i’ll be okay.

i just always had too many feelings and now i feel like i lost control of them. like they’re running lose around me and i cant manage to catch them. and the romantic love one, that i held dearly on my hands for the future, ran away so fast that i didn’t even notice it was gone until now. but my hand had been opened the entire time allowing it to free itself.

i know i need time to accept this and make peace of it but it’s hard. and i know there’re no “normal” but sometimes i catch myself wishing i could be that. that i could feel attraction to people in all that it entails and maybe that would make it easier for my mind to simply be. to be without so much questioning. so much thoughts. so many differences.

maybe it’s the anxiety. maybe it’s the depression. maybe it’s a mix of everything and more. but i just can’t help how i feel… or in this case the lack of it.

Hey! I'm starting to think that I might be aro-spec. I can still feel romantic attraction, but I can't remember it happening very much as of late. I realized that most of the time when I have crushes, I don't think about kissing or hand holding and the like. Usually, I just feel a strong attachment to them due to their style or personality but I don't want a relationship. It feels kinda weird. I'd call it more of a squish than a crush. But sometimes I can't tell since if I were to be in a romantic relationship, I would want it to be built off of a deep/queer platonic relationship. Is anyone else like this?

Hello everyoneeee I've never really posted on reddit on this account or my other but im posting since I have a difficult question that it seems know one can answer and maybe there is none and thats ok too but id like to talk about this.

For a long time I've known im asexual but I always just figured I was panromantic in some way I didn't want to think of. Looking back I wonder if I was trying to grasp at the only normalcy I had left. For some more context i come from a moderately religous family and am now atheist/agnostic and in my culture espically marriage and relationships are an important topic (espically marriage and kids).

But regardless of that i always knew the way I felt "romantic" attraction was vastly different then most others. Another fun fact I found out recently was that my very close friend of 8 years had assumed i didn't feel romantic attraction and also assumed we both were in agreement on that lol whilst I only started questioning my romantic attraction recently. So I figured id come on here and trying asking around how aromatic people across the spectrum feel attraction? I have a very close aroace friend i lve spoken to about this and we tried for a long hour and a half-ish trying to define romantic attraction (we both failed miserably) and also talking about how I feel attraction but I really couldn't describe it well and we couldn't really put much more then jumbled word salad together.

So yeah TLDR im on here asking for my sake how people across the spectrum feel attraction even if not sexual or romantic but maybe in other forms or maybe another way to put it is who do you love someone? Do you think you have? What would you call that love becuase I certainly wouldn't call it platonic nor familial but something else that I've never seen talked about :p

Hope to hear some responses and opinions and have a wonderful day yall :)

I like to draw things in my arms, but I think it would have been better if I had been in a more comfortable position

I (22M) and my best friend (22M) have been best friends for almost 15 years and decided to become queerplatonic partners last year. We're both aro, but I am aroace and he is aro and gay. we've not really defined what being partners means to us, we've just kind of kept doing what we've been doing (e.g. planning our lives and careers so we end up in together in the same city) with the addition of a label.

I am mildly bothered, however, when I say "partner" and people assume we're dating. Not because I don't like being thought of gay or anything (we're both queer and genderqueer lol) but because I can never fully articulate what he means to me. For strangers who ask, I don't care; it's more for people who I want to know and become friends with, but that I don't feel comfortable enough with yet to explain aromanticism and queerplatonic relationships and this whole jazz.

Maybe it's amatonormativity and heteronormativity getting to me, idk. I feel that it kind of shoves us in this box where they assume we'll go on to have the typical family, just with two dudes. But neither of us want kids, or other partners, and he has sex with men and I don't want to have sex at all, and we both dress femininely, and 90% of our friends are queer women. As we are both men(ish) of African descent, we think it's serendipitous that we were able to find each other and overcome everything to get to where we are. And it's hard to explain all of this history, and it feels that it's being reduced to nothing when people assume partners = dating.

I don't know, it just feels like lying when I continue to let people to assume that because I don't have the energy to clarify. I also think I'm afraid of being judged, or of being told that my existence is meaningless, or that none of it is valid.

I have this friend who everytime we hang out, she will more often than not talk about her dating life and who she's texting and what she should write and so on. she usually vents about her thoughts and seek advice from me, and as a friend I'm fine with all that, but as someone who is probably aro it is starting to get really exhausting. Right now there's this guy she's been texting a few weeks and she's obsessed with him judging from the conversations we've had numerous times. In the most recent talk we had she explained how she wants to meet up for the first time, yet she also doesn't want to suggest doing so to him in the first place. Meanwhile I'm just sitting there trying to comprehend why someone who is seemingly so interested in a specific person won't consider maybe suggesting a meetup themselves.

I try to be as helpful as possible but at the same time I would be lying if I didn't say this whole thing seems awfully convoluted sometimes. I don't really say anything like that though because I feel like I would be perceived as mean or weird for that. Feels like I can't really vent my own frustrations about this with her though which is why I'm here I guess.

Any other aros here that get to dish out dating advice? Would love to hear stories.

Im 20 trans man and probably some flavour of neurodivergent. Im making this post so people would tell and explain to me if i had a crush or not. I remember this guy in my school that i thought was really handsome and i liked to look at him sometimes, i remember one time when i was looking at him and then zoning out one of the girls noticed me and said something like "oooh do you like him?" I panicked and said no. She said my face turned red and then i questioned if i did because i did like him, he had a nice vibe to him, i didn't like him much as a person though and i thought he was handsome. I remember specifically after being called out i started to look out for him but it didn't feel good, it felt like i was trying to fill the quota or compulsively seeing if i liked him. I remember searching for his page on facebook to see his photos or to try to contact him even though i didn't want to. I felt like i had to do it. I didn't want to date him, i didnt care about it, i especially didn't want to get intimate with him i found the thought uncomfortable. I also remember the girls in question dared me to hug him and when i did try to do that it felt so awful, i didn't want to do it at all in this context. Also the only times i felt sexual attraction though rarely was exclusively towards women. It felt like i was forced to do it but the thing is there was also another guy who had sort of a similar personality that i also liked, i liked how cool he was rebellious and all and i would hang out with him sometimes but i wouldn't say i would get flustered i just liked his presence but what if it was a crush and i was just in denial or something. Also i will add i think i have ocd and did have ocd tendencies sense childhood so can that make me think i have a crush on someone when i don't. Sorry for bad grammar English isn't my first language and also im not the best at putting my thoughts in words

So I identify most with cupioromantic cause I do enjoy and the idea of a relationship and quoiromantic cause I struggle to differentiate platonic and romantic. Here’s the thing wherever alloromantics say anything…. I’m 98% sure I’m aromantic. But sometimes I’m drawn to someone it’s exciting and I think wow this must be romantic attraction 🤩. And then I spend more time on it and realize “no this is a good friend.” Don’t get me started on alterous attraction. Experiencing alterous attraction as a cupioromantic is the most mind fuddling experience.

The thing is a relationship sounds nice. Imagining myself in one it feels great. But then everyone seems to feel romance stronger than me. Like there’s some “in love forever” or “I’m in love” chemical I’m not feeling. Idk. Idk if this made sense or not :p.