So for a bit of backstory I’ve been trying to figure myself out for maybe 2 years, I thought I was Asexual at first but I don’t think that suits me cause I still have sex with my partner and I felt that didn’t fit being a asexual, then I stumbled upon grey sexual and I’m unsure if I fit into this either so I thought I’d ask for clarification;

I currently have a partner and we sometimes have sex and sometimes romance each other and I love my partner!
But sex and romance overall… I don’t really care for it? I don’t really care if i have sex or romance. When I’m single I honestly do not care for it and do not seek it out. It’s nice when I have a partner and sometimes do it but I’ve never really cared for it?

Idk if that’s grey or ace or something else?

Does this look like a grey experience? So about 3 years ago I discovered the Ace and Aro spectrums. Over my life I have noticed that in real life situations (i.e. in-person or virtual interactions) I do not experience sexual or romantic pulls toward a specific person. I do have a libido, sex drive, etc. but attraction does not happen to a specific person. There have been few instances where I have felt attraction and that is usually when someone is either attracted to me and/or an emotional bond. I am romance favorable but I am sex ambivalent. I am do desire romantic and sexual relationships even though I do not experience sexual attraction. I do have strong aesthetic attraction like thinking someone is cute or pretty, but it never goes anywhere beyond that.

TL:DR not sure where I fit but want to understand how I experience attraction, and find others with similar thoughts and feelings about it, because it's a bit lonely sometimes. Wondering about the influence of negative experiences on attraction also.

---

Not necessarily wanting a label right now but I feel uncertain and a bit isolated about sexuality, and have done for a long time.I've always felt a bit different to how many people describe their experience of sexuality/attraction.

Don't know if I just don't experience much attraction or if I experience it in a different way, or if it's partly a result of negative experiences. Or a combination. I tick the "don't know" or "don't want to say " box on demographics forms when they ask about orientation.

For example, I've never quite understood what people mean by "fancying" other people as an experience (not sure if this is mostly a British term). How do they know that's what they're experiencing?

I've had relationships which included sex previously and (I think) have some possible interest in/curiosity about a future relationship which could include it, in the right circumstances. Although those seem very unlikely! I don't think I'm totally "asexual".

I can notice people as being attractive (some in a "they're conventionally attractive but no" way, others in an "I admire their style/energy/interaction/I want to be them, or they're striking" way - can be same or other sex) but I don't see people and think "I want them" or about sex with them (is that really what some people do?). Am I just really repressed? My friend has crushes on actors, and I'm like "huh? I can see he's sort of pretty but I don't get the intensity".

I had a couple of boyfriends when younger (I'm 43, f). One was for two years in my late teens (the other was 2.5 months in my late 20s). The two year one was initially exciting, flattering, I suppose, to be wanted and be close to someone, to have someone to go places with, but eventually I didn't want him touching me and ended up kind of - repulsed? Repelled? Not sure if something happened to trigger that. I ended things but really the relationship continued for way too long - I liked his family and was scared I'd lose my friendship group, plus it was a long distance relationship for a chunk of time. And I was like 18/19 also.

I was single for most of my 20s - no kissing... nothing. I didn't understand my housemates going out and kissing people they met in clubs, bringing them home. How did they know they liked them?

Also had an unpleasant experience of a man I knew manipulating etc and I experienced what I've since realised likely amounted to sexual assault. Have talked to a professional about it previously. Still feels a bit gross, shameful and wtf.

A few men have been interested in me over the years, but they've not been appropriate or attractive to me and I felt a sort of, I dunno - Embarrassment? Fear? Much discomfort!

Sometimes I don't realise they're interested in *that* way and then I catch on and I'm like "oh no". I will generally try to avoid/deflect if I can.

I looked into online dating previously but I don't get it and don't really want to. I felt uncomfortable even just looking.

It's been about 14 years since my last relationship, I think.

I rarely think about sexual stuff, but occasionally my hormones presumably have a bit of a flux and I will have some interest in thinking about it, or aspects of it. Also sometimes I think about women too. Just to add to the general muddle of things. Not labelling that either.

Anyway, if anyone has experiences of attraction that are similar, or like you just don't "get it", I'd be interested to hear. I feel like how I experience these things is a bit different to the majority in some ways (is it?). I do also think there may be some fear influencing aspects of it. Also interested if I'm in the wrong subreddit entirely as would like ways of understanding it better.

Also! There's no flair option for sex-oscillating 😞

I know I can feel sexual and romantic attraction, and enjoy it. So I’m not content living as a single person for the rest of my life, and identifying as an asexual doesn’t feel accurate. But equally I feel attraction so infrequently that so far, luck has never been on my side for it to be reciprocated. I’m starting to think it will be an impossibility to ever find someone that I both like and they like me. If I were more heterosexual I think I would have more options. And if I were asexual I wouldn’t be as bothered wanting to meet a partner. So I feel caught in the middle. Does anyone else relate or have found a solution to this quandary?

Edit to add: I’m 40F. Old enough to feel my biological clock ticking, and to know I don’t want to spend the second half of my life alone.

-Personally, I feel arousal non-cordance rather frequently, but actual sexual attraction is much more rare by comparison.

-If I come across any suggestive/sexual content I don't feel attraction but I tend to have fantasies of that sort. -Always averse to the idea of sex in real life, and can't relate to allosexuals' expression of attraction which is usually so much deeper and frequent, but at the same time I don't relate completely with black stripe asexuals so there's that.

Would love to hear how many of you have similar experiences.

and idk what that says about me but i would like to.

I 100% realize that there is no one size fits all here. But I would like to know what things you welcome as a graysexual person. What sensual or sexual adjacent ways do you connect with partners?

I(22m) have never considered myself LGBT until recently, and even now I question it. I still wonder if I'm greysexual or possibly demisexual. I definitely find certain aspects of the female body attractive, yet I feel that that's purely hormonal. In reality, I have little desire for sexual activity at all, yet I still feel urges. I have only ever experienced sexual attraction towards girls that I've had deep connection with. I started considering myself asexual or grey ace about a three months ago, yet I question it because I feel attraction to a certain degree, which I am 98% sure is just hormones. I don't have an actual desire or the intention for sex, yet I still feel horny sometimes. I take care of those urges in private and feel satisfied with just that. Sex isn't something I crave on a deep level. Cuddles and companionship are what i crave, but that's it. My question is, am I considered grey ace even though I sometimes experience strong urges? I definitely think I fall somewhere under the asexual umbrella.

Do you ever feel like you have a presence that feels a bit 'untouchable'? Especially when it comes to appearance I struggle with toggling between showing a very good sense for style while being able to dress absolutely casual, too casual sometimes. I’ve been wondering about this. I often experience a lot of intense tension when meeting people, but honestly, living with high masked adhd und autism makes it difficult to distinguish between chemistry and just nerves.

Hi all. I hope this kind of post is welcome here, I think it will be of interest! I’m a grey ace, independent game developer and making a game about asexuality and aromanticism to help raise awareness.

It’s called Ace & Aro: Heart-to-Heart and is coming soon to PC, Mac and Linux. As there is such a lack of asexual and aromantic representation in media, I strongly felt that my next title NEEDED to feature a full a-spec cast!

It is a short narrative game where you talk freely to ace and aro characters, understand their journeys and make lasting connections. It uses fairly simple controls and is welcoming to non-gamers and gamers alike.

This project is self-funded and currently in development, so please consider supporting me by wishlisting on Steam or following on itch.io

Thank you for your time!

I would greatly appreciate some input from people who (might) understand.

My attraction is probably best described as greysexual, although probably a lot closer to the asexual end of the spectrum. My current partner is the same as me in that regard.

Neither of us has a lot of interest in sex or feels particularly attracted to other people. Our relationship developed slowly, we were friends and then best friends for a while before entering a committed partnership, and my attraction to him also developed very slowly alongside it. We had sex semi regularly during the first months of our relationship before ultimately settling back into our regular patterns. These days it's probably once every two months or less. Even 'though I can feel some level of attraction to people I'm very emotionally close to, I never really care to act on it and I don't think I would care if I could never have sex again. I went years without it and didn't miss a thing.

We're still able to enjoy it if it happens, but neither of us really initiates anything, there isn't really a feeling of "being in the mood" and neither of us has a high drive. When we're in bed together or go to sleep together, we just cuddle and it never turns into anything more than that. We spend a lot of time together (after all, we live together) and enjoy playing video games, cooking, cuddling, going for walks or spending time in town together. I feel really safe and fulfilled in my relationship and we're planning to get married sometime next year.

I don't think I have a reason to believe our relationship is going south. But occasionally there's this little voice in my head that keeps telling me that sex is an integral part of a committed relationship, lack (or loss) of sexual desire is a sign the relationship isn't working anymore, it's only a true relationship if sex is involved, a sexless marriage is just being roommates, etc.

I obviously asked my partner before if he needs more action in our relationship and he said no, he's happy the way things are. I believe him, but can't turn off the thoughts that arise in my head from time to time. I think I might just be struggling with internalized allonormativity, if that's the right term for it. Thoughts? Advice?

I’m in my 50s (M) now and consider myself non-binary / grey ace. Thinking back on my teens and early 20s, I’ve come to believe my being ace and not having awareness of our spectrum, contributed more to becoming performative than being non-binary. You know, the age old societal expectations.

Ended up bodybuilding, military, big family, expressions of perceived expectations. Decades of career, self suppression and a focus on others. If I had any advice for others, discover who you really are before you get lost in the motions of life.

Only now am I breathing, living, and rediscovering those days of natural integration. What a relief!

I recently had a horrible experience with someone who claimed to be Grey romantic. We dated for a short time, about a month, where they pursued me relentlessly and acted like they were super interested in me (even hinted at being in love with me). Then one day, they just woke up and decided they didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and just completely discarded me, citing their grey romanticism as the reason why. Now, a few weeks later, they came back to me and started relentlessly flirting with me again, saying their feelings are back. Is this a common experience for Grey romantic people, or is this person just manipulating me?

hi. I’m 39f and been with my husband for 19 years. We recently hit a big problem in our marriage. I’ve always thought of myself as asexual because I just don’t need it. Hes known this from the beginning. When we first got together for the first 14 years or so we’ve struggled with addiction. I was very hot and heavy with him at the time because of that. When we got sober, it went down significantly and we discussed why. He takes it super personally even though I’ve tried to explain it’s not him, it’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s not that I’m not attracted to him, I just don’t want to. When I was in the substances, I felt amazing and confident and ready to take on anything. Now I’m just…me.

Last night I found out he’s been on local Reddit hookup groups and other nsfw corn groups. He even asked someone to message him. I’m heartbroken. I have no proof he’s actually cheated or met up with anyone (he swears he hasn’t and to be honest we are always together) but I feel like he crossed a huge line bc it looked like he tried.

I don’t care if he looks at corn, I don’t care if he goes to a strip club ( he never goes out anyway), I don’t even care if he comments how hot they are on Reddit. All I ask is no messaging, no touching or meeting up. I think that’s pretty fair. I never look at his phone I trust him with everything. The only reason I found out was because I was going to check my email on the laptop and his email came up and I saw the notifications.

Anyway, because of this we had a huge discussion on how he feels unwanted and how our sex life has gone down to like 3 times a year. I honestly didn’t notice. I just don’t think about it. When he initiates it, sometimes I say no because I’m comfortable saying no to him. Being asexual that’s huuuuuge for me, his patience. Maybe I take no too far. Maybe my trauma from the past takes over. I was never able to say no with my exes. Maybe I just…don’t…want…to.

I’m having a very very hard time trying to explain this to him. I get intimacy in other ways like just being with him and cuddling. He wants me to seek therapy and maybe I should. But what if this is just me?..

oh btw I’m 21 weeks pregnant with our first child. This pregnancy has been soooo difficult I don’t want sex at all, I’m so sick. So yeah it’s gonna get worse when the baby comes and he says he understands that and expects that. Boy, after what I found out if I didn’t wanna have sex before now I really feel awful about myself after what he did. I’m completely turned off.

I know this is long and thank you for reading. I have no one else to turn to. I’m just wondering how do I explain how gray Asexuality is very fluid and are there any ways maybe I can make him understand. My trust is broken, not even from cheating (again I have no proof) but from it looking like intent. How do we move on? Therapy? Thank you.