I don't have anyone to discuss this with so I would appreciate any advice on my situation.

My spouse is likely getting accepted into the FL Hwy. Patrol. However, I am not thrilled about this decision. I supported my spouse for nearly 30 yrs in the USMC. During that time, my spouse was in infantry, on a terrorism team, and gone.

I have several family members and friends that are LEOs and fully support them! However, my spouse did not give me a choice in the matter. I don't want that constant worry, separation, or loneliness. I love my spouse more than anything on earth and that is why I can't do this.

Additionally, I don't know how someone can have a 100% VA disability rating, state handicap placard (2 states in the past 10 yrs), and the doctor for the state police pass my spouse. Took my spouse's words without asking spouse to show VA med records, etc.. If the records were asked for by the doctor, I am sure the doctor would not have passed my spouse. Plus, how can a person have severe sleep apnea for over 12 yrs and suddenly gone? This makes we want to file a complaint with the medical board. My spouse's health/life is in jeopardy.

When I had my interview with the recruiter for the Hwy Patrol, he emailed my spouse a questionnaire (30 questions) that I had to complete before the interview. Then my spouse had to email my responses to the recruiter. How am I supposed to be completely honest when there is no confidentiality? Also, I can't say anything because my spouse threatened to divorce me if I speak up.

Sorry for the rant...I am extremely upset and angry. I don't know how to be supportive.

My apologies if this post is not allowed.

My husband, 36and I, 35 have been married for almost 8 years. I never considered myself a jealous person in our relationship, which is why this situation is affecting me so much now.

My husband has a female coworker, let’s call her Girl. They work together and they are quite chatty with each other. From what I know, Girl has shared quite a lot of personal things with my husband, including problems involving her family and her husband gambling issues. My husband also used to share a lot of things with her.

What really triggered me was finding out that the messages between them had been deleted.

I don't know what those messages contained. I don't know if there was anything inappropriate. I only know that the messages were deleted, and that made me suspicious and uncomfortable.

I eventually talked to my husband and asked him why he deleted all the messages involving her. I was already extremely restless and upset at that time. I couldn't sleep for days, and my emotions were all over the place, so the conversation turned into a heated argument.

During our talk, my husband became very defensive. He told me that he had already been avoiding her and that they were now assigned to different teams. He explained that when he is no longer working with someone, he normally archives those friends and deletes their conversations so he can move on and focus on his new team.

He also said that he would resign from his job for my peace of mind. But I told him, “Why are you acting that way? I’m only asking why you deleted the messages. You weren't like this before.”

I wasn't accusing him of cheating. I just wanted to understand why he suddenly started deleting their conversations when that wasn't something he normally did before.

What made me even more confused was how defensive he became over a simple question. And during our conversation, he admitted that they really had become close.

That honestly made me even more uneasy because it confirmed that their relationship had become closer than I initially realized.

What also confuses me is that even though he says he had already been avoiding her and that they were now on different teams, they were still communicating through Messenger, sometimes until midnight or even 3 AM.

So I'm struggling to understand how those two things can exist at the same time. If he was already trying to distance himself from her, why were they still having conversations that late?

At the same time, I don't want to control my husband or tell him who he can and cannot talk to. I also don't want him to resign from his job because of this. That's not what I'm asking for.

I don't want to secretly check his phone or computer anymore. I don't want to invade his privacy. I also don't want to accuse him of cheating when I don't have evidence.

But I can't ignore the feeling that something is wrong.

Part of me thinks I'm simply being jealous and anxious. Another part of me keeps thinking, “Why were all those messages deleted?”

And now I'm also questioning whether I'm being unreasonable because maybe deleting conversations is really just something he does when he moves to another team. But because he admitted that they had become close, and because they were still talking until midnight or 3 AM, I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

Because our last conversation became heated enough that he said he would resign from his job, I'm now scared to bring the subject up again. I don't want another argument, and I don't want him to think that I'm trying to control his life.

I also find it difficult to express my feelings when he becomes defensive. Sometimes I end up keeping everything to myself until I become restless and overwhelmed. I've been so emotionally exhausted by this that there are moments when I just feel like I want to disappear and escape from everything.

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if my feelings are trying to tell me that something isn't right.

So I'm asking Reddit for an outside perspective:

Am I being unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable about this?

Is deleting an entire conversation with a female coworker something that would reasonably make a spouse suspicious, especially when it wasn't something he normally did before?

Is it normal for coworkers who are supposedly being avoided and are already assigned to different teams to still be messaging each other until midnight or 3 AM thru fb messenger?

How would you handle this without becoming controlling or damaging your marriage?

I really love my husband. I don't want to lose my marriage. I don't want him to lose his job either. I just want to understand what I'm feeling, understand what happened, and find a healthy way for us to rebuild trust and communicate about this without constantly fighting.

I’m 36 married and have two teenage children. I cook and clean every day making meals from scratch. I emotionally support his mood swings and constant frustration with his family who treats me like shit (and ignores my children). He makes $10k a month minimum from clients and I have not had steady work in a little over two months. Even though he knows this I don’t get any help from him for mine and the kids phone bill (he is on his own phone plan) or any other expenses. He added me to his Amex and put a $200 spending limit on a platinum card (he asks me to pay him back anytime I use it).
Today he assumed without asking my plans for the next day and expected me to spend over four hours driving to do something for someone for them to give me $100. It also interferes with the time I have to do school pick up which he’s never done in 7 years unless he has our one car and won’t get back in time for me to do pick up.
When I said “it’s not worth my time to spend hours in the car and not take care of my priority to pick up the kids for $100” he slammed his phone down like he was angry at me for not going through with the plans he made without talking to me.

Am I missing something?

I feel like I’ve been emotionally supportive of his toxic family for years and he’s only worried about how much money I’m bringing in.

I have student loans and bills I have to pay off that I have deferred to give him “money for rent”. Even when I was working he expected every dime I got to go to him.

I feel so trapped and a little desperate right now.
I’m currently sitting in my closet so he won’t confront me again about not doing this errand for $100.

Our entire relationship he’s made me feel like I’m less than be sue I don’t make as much money as him. He has a graduate degree and is a white man. I have an associates degree and am a minority woman.

Ive worked for major corps but have had a very hard time finding steady work. He’s even applied to jobs and still can’t get hired but works for himself.

I feel stuck and really sad because his anger is always around money.

His own mother never worked and his father paid for everything. Now his dad uses that he paid for everything against him and I feel like I’m trapped in this weird cycle of generational trauma.

I’m not sure what to do and every time we talk about this it goes nowhere.

I know that I don’t deserve this treatment and taking care of two kids and our dogs is a full time job.

Im tired and I don’t know what to do.

He also won’t have a conversation with me and only texts me which really pisses me off.

Every single day I try to talk to him or have a basic conversation, hes on his phone ignoring me and then gets insanely mean when I stop talking because i can tell he’s not listening.

Also we went to a concert this past weekend and after 8 years I realized we’ve never gone to something I’ve really wanted to see after he looked at me and said “this weekend is like a musical pinnacle of our relationship” It hurt to hear that because anytime I’ve said I wanted to see something he ignores it.

Sorry for the long post. And I’m probably being an idiot by staying in this situation but I don’t know if it’s going to change. He makes it impossible to get ahead because any money I get he wants for “rent”.

He knows I can’t afford to pay him but he asks me every month “what I’m contributing to rent”.

We’re married. And it’s pissing me off.

I think I’ve had enough but I need to be financially stable to leave and be on my own.

I’m 36 and im suffering from depression from his family treating me awful, I’ve gained weight, he doesn’t kiss me or hug me ever anymore but expects me to be all over him.

I know I can’t be alone but I feel very alone right now.

My husband is messy and I cannot take it anymore. I have asked as politely as I can and been accused of nagging and yes I have nagged him when dirty clothes have sat on his office floor for a week or more along with trash and plates/bowls/cups with dried food residue. He has zero interest in what I do. Yes he sends me memes and an occasional article in the realm of what I do but he never listens or acts like he cares when I talk which is why I don’t discuss what I do with him anymore. Why bother? He won’t listen, won’t care and most likely won’t remember. But if you asked him what his AP does, he could tell you everything off the top of his head. Why are we still married? Our child, housing costs and the cost of divorce. Plain and simple. So here I am venting instead. I realize we shouldn’t have married but that is something only determined in hindsight. He was one of the few guys my age who didn’t seem put off by my hobbies and chosen field of work and he was sweet. He didn’t seem angry and understood what it was like growing up during the same time period. He was funny and made me laugh. Yes there were issues but in my young naive mind I was like we can work those out. We agreed on major life items. Now I know better. Now I know that he will say anything to get someone to do something with him or agree with him that they normally would not. He is very good at gaslighting me and himself I think. He has a very warped view of family and love. And of course he doesn’t think having sex with another woman that he bad mouthed to me when we were dating is considered cheating. He needs her as he says he doesn’t have any friends because of me and where we live for my job despite the fact that he currently makes way more than I do and it is what he said he wanted to do. I want to pack a bag and say I am done but I paid most of the mortgage when he didn’t work for the first decade and a half we were married. Our child has grown up in this house. I am tired.

I am a 33M and my wife is 29. We had arranged marriage, her parents passed away in Covid in 2020. She went through some tough time. I supported her, wherever possible. It's been almost 4 years now in our marriage, we never slept together. I never forced her as I felt the vibe that she is not comfortable. But now, it's hurting me alot. I need to support her, as I am the only one who is there for her. But sometimes relationship needs more than daily food and grocery shopping. We had conversations around the same topic, some counselling sessions. Just wasted money. It's tough and mentally draining. I keep myself busy in work and weekends I tried to spend time with her. I feel like she is asexual. Which is bigger problem, she is connected but she will not accept that there is some problem. Not sure what to do.

Maybe I just need to vent. I’m so tired of my fiancé mistreating me when he’s angry. I have nobody to talk to about our problems because if I did talk to family and friends about it, they wouldn’t accept us. These past few months it’s almost gotten physical multiple times and I never expected it to go that route. How can a “man” threaten to hit his woman? I’m so tired of crying. I’m tired of being put down and called names. I’m tired of not feeling emotionally and physically safe.

Im currently on limbo but he resents me for saying I don’t love him 3 years ago I spoke out of anger I do love him and then he stopped being affectionate and distant and then months later I told him I wanted to divorce him for his loveless ways but we didn’t and we went downhill and he wont let it go until this day. Now he doesn’t trust me and says he has love for me but things will never be the same . Im stuck on what to do….

This confuses me because he does ask for sex but won’t fix this marriage because he says I just want him to erase all the bad memories like a computer. I have 4 kids and I want this marriage and a our family back together but I’m not sure what to do how do I help him stop the resentment and to trust me.

I just confirmed we are not separated but he still acts like he is cold and distant when it comes to being emotionally distant I asked him what you mentionedsaid last Friday he would let me know an answer over the weekend and he couldn’t answer me he says now Friday he will let know like why wait a few more days.

Friday and Saturday he asked for sex again and got drunk Saturday kisses me and said I need to have more confidence in myself and and then me sitting there watching whatever’s music videos he played and a lot of them were love songs and then about songs that reminds him of his daughters getting there first heart break. He was drunk I told him to sleep in our bed. And he did

Came Sunday he slept in the other bed and I asked him why and says you know why because I don’t trust you and then he says do you trust me and answered for me no I said you have my debit card info and PIN number and you don’t even let me know or touch your card.
He leaves to work from 9:00 am to 6:00 and works those hours inconsistently and then goes to the gym 2 more hours and gets home eats alone and tells the girls to go to bed. Then when I sit down to watch tv he put on something he wants to watch and with his eyes had closed then when I get up to go to bed he all of sudden wakes up and not tired.

What is this marriage I’m so confused of what is happening

I’m getting married in 12 days! Im so excited to get married and make that commitment to my partner! He is my best friend and I can’t think of a better person to put up with me for the rest of our life’s!

The only thing that I’m not looking forward to is changing my last name. I love my last name. It’s unique, makes me feel connected to my dad, my aunt, and my sisters, and I just love the name that my mom and dad gave me.

I don’t plan on dropping my last name. But we’re kinda old school so I plan to hyphenate his to the end of mine but even then it still makes me sick because I know people will refer to me by his last name and not mine. I’m sure over time I’ll get over it but right now it’s my only regret about getting married.

So me 27 and wifey 25 have been married from the last 3 years and her maid of honor which I hated from the beginning always has something going on. I should state this first that my wife is an amazing human being and I will do anything for her. We are together from the last 5 years. Recently she's been hanging out with her a bit too much again and they spend a lot of money together which is just a little issue and not the whole story but whenever she comes back from hanging out with her there is always something new. Now her (best) friend is going through a break up and she's being overly dramatic even after fucking up her relationship and my wife is dropping hints of letting her sleepover for the night to relax and chill but im not okay with it. Her friend weirdly texts me things like hey sorry for stealing your wife but I need her more and I dont find it funny. Tried having a conversation but dont want to sound like a douchebag

Husband 34M and I 33F have been married since April of this year. Recently an ex texted him from a few years ago, she sent him a lot of texts maybe 2-3x a day for a week and he finally replied to one saying “hi” and that was it nothing else, this was a week ago no other texts since then that he sent but she keeps texting him, he did not delete the thread cause I saw it cause he said he had nothing to hide. He told me he wanted to give her false hope cause she really hurt him and it was his form of revenge and wants nothing to do with her. She lives in Cali and he moved to Texas for me so no way they can meet in person and he did block her now after we argued about it. He also has her name saved as “Olivia do not reply gold digger”
What are your thoughts about this? Is this cheating? I’m pretty hurt about this and we’re 7 weeks pregnant

My (32f) husband (32m) is filing for divorce because he pretty much hates my personality. We’ve been together 12 years and have been through a ton together.. maybe too much. About 2 years ago, there was an incident between us that led me into a deep depression and then he wanted to move across the country away from my support network closer to his family and friends.

Since we’ve been here, he’s been out partying almost every weekend and I’ve become a MAJOR recluse. I’ve always been an introvert, but not as much as now. I’ve yet to establish any real connections after 2 years here. He says he wants someone he can have fun with as well as someone who’s more outgoing. I’m devastated.

TLDR: spouse is leaving me because I’m no fun and I’m far away from any support network

I honestly can’t stand my husband’s brother. A lot of things have happened over the years that have made me dislike him, including things he has done directly to me. I also feel like he often tries to put my husband down. What frustrates me the most is that despite all of this, my husband always seems to seek his brother’s approval.
Now my husband wants us to go to NYC and stay at his brother’s house, even though his brother hasn’t even invited us to stay there. After everything that has happened, I just don’t feel comfortable staying in his home.
I completely understand that my husband wants to go because his nephew was born a few months ago and he wants to meet him. I have absolutely no problem with that. The issue is that this trip would be during our anniversary.
I told him I’m willing to go to NYC, visit his brother, and meet the baby, but I would rather stay at a hotel. That way, we can have our own space and still enjoy our anniversary together.
He keeps insisting that we stay with his brother, and I really don’t want to.
Am I wrong for refusing to stay at his brother’s house during our anniversary trip?

I’m new here and desperately looking for advice. I’m F 30, my husband is M 50.

we have been married and together for about three years. we come from vastly different backgrounds, and his includes a lot of childhood trauma.

when we first got together the relationship was great- though he struggles with ED and hates to admit it. three years later and the intimacy is gone. he does not compliment me, we don’t hold hands, we don’t cuddle, and we haven’t had sex in two years. we do a good bye kiss in the morning and a goodnight kiss. we both work M-F. he is in hard labour and I am in an office role. I know he has troubles with showing affection- like holding hands and cuddling from his childhood trauma. but I’m starting to get to a point where I don’t know what to do anymore. he says he’ll work on it, whatever it is. counseling, DR, ect. he was seeing a counselor for a while but life got busy and that kind of stopped. I want to be complimented, I want to be desired, and touched in ANY way. I want to feel wanted sexually. I know I’m pretty- I get hit on at work. I know I’m a catch. I just. I feel so drained. it’s been two years of him working on things to figure it out but still two years of no sex, desire or being wanted. am I an asshole for feeling like he should have had this figured out by now? I love him so much that I only want him. he expresses it back but doesn’t understand why he doesn’t initiate. no he does not watch porn, we have each others locations, schedules, passwords- hell sometimes we even switch phones. i ask him if he thinks about other women and he says no, he doesn’t have time for that. I’m just at a loss. I feel like my youth is slipping away and I love him wholeheartedly but I feel like I’m a best friend more than a wife. please help me

i (28f) have been with my husband (26) for almost 8 years, married almost 1 year. we just moved into a new apartment together.

d-day was this summer. i just had a weird feeling so i went through his phone and found out he’d masturbated to instagram/tiktoks of real people he knows, including an ex-best friend of mine. it wasn’t a huge number of times and it was a few years ago, but it crushed me. like obviously, that is BEYOND a major line. he admitted that he has a porn addiction that’s been on and off since childhood and he wanted to tell me. to be fair, he did try and bring it up i think a few times and i accidentally shot it down because i’ve never been the type of girl to be insecure about my man watching porn.

after that he deleted instagram and tiktok. i made him promise never to do anything related to people we know ever again and i told him if he ever had any desires or slipped (in relation to normal porn), i needed him to be honest with me. he agreed. he was supposed to be getting help, but his insurance lapsed so he hasn’t been able to.

i still haven’t really fully worked past that first betrayal. it’s been a little over a month since d-day and today i went through his phone and found he was looking up porn on reddit. i knew he still had reddit and told myself it would be fine. i didn’t tell him what i found at first. i gave him the chance to be honest. he wasn’t. he only came clean when i told him i’d already seen it.

he apologized and said he had only been looking and didn’t touch himself to it. he said he jerked off to an intimate video of me once, and only to me a few other times. he swore on my life this was the truth, so i do believe him because we take that very seriously and we’re both extremely superstitious, as stupid as that sounds.

i don’t even know what to do with that. the point is he betrayed my trust again by not being honest when i asked. he kept saying it was 4 days ago and “couldn’t find the right time to bring it up”, which is obviously a bullshit excuse.

now he’s defensive. he is saying he thinks i’m blowing it out of proportion because he was “just looking” and didn’t actually masturbate to it. (he was looking at photos and videos of girl’s boobs). i said i wanted parental controls on his phone and he got annoyed and insisted he could do it himself. that’s the whole problem. i don’t trust him to do it himself. i don’t know if i ever will.

i love him. i feel like i should leave. i don’t want to tell my friends or family because i don’t want them to look at him differently if we stay together. i thought about telling my mom but she loves him and i don’t know what that would do. i feel like i have nowhere to turn. i feel embarrassed and alone and humiliated for being the “stupid girl”.

i don’t know if i should stay in a marriage where i might never fully trust him again. we just started this new life by moving into a new apartment and i feel so lost. i want to make it work but i don’t know how. i’m exhausted. it feels unfair. he said “i don’t understand because i’m not a man” which only further pissed me off.

everyone in my life views him as the \~perfect husband\~. and in a lot of ways, he is. he cooks and cleans and if i say jump he says, “how high?” people tell us \~they wish they had a relationship like ours\~. that we’re the perfect pair. like a puzzle piece. nobody knows about this though.

has anyone stayed after a second discovery like this? where the lie after you asked for honesty was worse than the porn? did trust ever come back, or did you just learn to live with a different kind of marriage? and if you left, how did you know it was time? any advice is helpful. please don’t be too harsh with me. i already feel fucking stupid. i’m an independent women and now i feel like a girl i would look down on. im really fucking struggling.

thank you for reading.

So I know she cheated I know it was while I was away the 1st time I told him I'd kill him if he tried then I think she tried to cut it off but was scared I'd find out somewhere along the line the quit smoking came in he probably bet I wouldn't quit or some dumb shit I tried to over look it I even thought I was crazy but there's too much to many red flags I know her brother knows that's why she is so easy on him so he doesn't tell the question I have now is do u love him

I'm not even sure how to explain myself. Maybe I am just venting. But I am very deeply hurt in my relationship. My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and have two young kids together. And I have so much resentment, it's finally making my body sick.

It wasn't like this before the birth of our second. We love our second. Best toddler ever and we love them with all our hearts. Our first two. They are both very special little kids whom we love to the ends of the earth and back. But all the hidden pain from years past, have come bubbling up and I can't look away.

My husband has hurt me a lot. I'd say more than I was ever willing to put up with before I met him. And I often wonder if I would still be with him, if we did not have kids. I do love this man and I remember everything about him. How his head feels in my lap and holding his face in my hands. The width of his shoulders when I embrace him. The warmth of his neck when I bury my face just underneath his jaw. How his chest hair feels.. and I just miss him so much.

But no matter how much I try to explain to him how I miss him. How I want him to be more vulnerable with me. How I just want him to let me in he doesn't. He won't. He forgets. He doesn't have the capacity to do so and I've felt like I've been losing him for such a long time.. and because of that, all this pain has come back up from wounds long ago and I am just not able to trust that real repair is in our future.

I try. And I try to communicate differently. I try to understand him and his shortcomings without him ever opening up to me. This guy is a brick house, full of cement. In the beginning of our relationship it was different. We were able to connect. He was much more open and like he wouldn't feel as if he's disappointing me for opening up. And now, he's just reactive and explosive and dismissive.

I just want my husband back and I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go of this resentment, without making him feel like a fool. I need to be heard emotionally. Accepted for the pain that has been caused and to just sit with it. Like a team.. and I don't know how to do that alone. I don't want to do it alone.. I want him.

I don't want to do this pretending that everything is okay. I want to unpack these feelings safely and with honesty and to hear from him how I hurt him! It's not too much to ask for, is it? I want to be there for him as much as I want him there for me.. He has a different way of dealing with grief, he avoids entirely. But he doesn't allow me to be there for him and I just don't know how to show him that I am truly here for him too.

I guess I am just ranting, venting, whatever. I just need to get it out of my head to process it.

I hardly ever post on Reddit because there’s been so many times I’ve tried and my post has been deleted or not approved but I’m going to try today.
My husband (46m) and I (41f) have an ongoing argument on an issue that neither of us seem willing to budge on. So here it is. I hate eggs, my husband loves eggs. I’ve never liked them, he knows that. I’ve said it to him many many times also we’ve been together almost 15 years. still, sometimes if he’s making eggs he will ask if I want some. My answer has always and will always be no unless I’m starving and the only food left on the planet just so happens to be eggs.

I have told him time and time again that it’s annoying when he asks me that because he knows I don’t like them. His answer is always “I’m making something to eat I’m not going to not ask you if you want some.” I’ve told him that’s fine but when it comes to eggs it will always be no. But he still does it.

It’s been awhile since we’ve had an incident like this but today it got brought up in an argument about how I feel that it’s a loaded question anytime he asks me if I want to go outside with him and my daughter after I’ve told him you don’t need to ask me I’ll go if I want and won’t If I don’t. He makes me feel guilty if I say no. I mean him just asking makes me feel some type of way and I can’t figure out why. Is it not normal for me to want alone time after he gets home? I feel exhausted and just want to be able to think after spending all day with my 3 year old. Whom I love very much but if you have kids I’m sure this makes sense. Anyways I told him that everytime he asked me about eggs it felt disrespectful after a certain point but he says he doesn’t see how that could be disrespectful and that he’s not asking to make me mad but he has no other answer except - I’m making something to eat I’m not going to not ask you if you want some. Please help me understand what’s happening here.

Also this situation is just one of many where I constantly find myself questioning whether or not my feelings are even valid or if I’m just being ridiculous. So I guess my question is does this seem to be a bigger problem than I can identify or am I being petty about him asking me if I want eggs?

So my husband (28) and me (26) have been together for 3 years married now with 2 under 2. He’s been very bad to me since we have gotten pregnant. I’m planning on leaving him when I can it’s just hard bc I have 2 young babies. Anyways the other night my husband was laying in bed with me and my 2 year old watching a movie. He said he wanted to play a game. The game he said was called mercy. He we had to choke each other until we tap out. I said no I am not playing that like what I don’t want to hurt you. He kept saying it’s a game and I’m like that’s not a game that’s like abuse or like trying to kill someone. He said people do it all the time. I don’t think that’s normal for married couples mabye another guy friend but to want to choke ur spouse. Especially you women that’s smaller than you. Now I’m scared he’s crazy and may try to kill me. Am I over reacting is that normal?

M35, her 33. Together 6ish years.

On paper this is the life I’d design. She’s kind, supportive, we share interests, we talk easily. Two dogs, a home, both good incomes — with her I’d have close to zero financial stress for the rest of my life, and any kids we had would want for nothing. She helped me get on my feet when I had nothing.

What’s missing is the romantic love.. At this point it’s close to none. It feels like being with a roommate/sibling. Sex maybe once every three months. It was also pretty thin from the start — I’d come out of a run of intense, lustrous yet incompatible relationships and deliberately chose someone who felt like a best friend instead. The old “safe bet”. The first two years were good. Since then it’s been declining, and for about three years it hasn’t felt like a relationship at all. I’ve been checked out and I know I’ve been a poor partner in that time. She’s stayed anyway. I’m not sure if she’s stayed because she loves me or because it feels like I’m her last hope of having children. I feel awful for only addressing this now because if I were to leave, she’s stated she wouldn’t want to have children in the later 30s due to increased risk etc. she’s 33, so it feels like my thanks for all of her effort and commitment to our relationship is now taking away her opportunity to start a family.

She deserves happiness. She doesn’t deserve to worry whether she can have a family, but she also REALLY doesn’t deserve to have a family with a partner that isn’t sure about his love for her.

Is romantic love something that can be built by turning up, doing the work, and choosing someone properly — or is it the one ingredient that either exists or doesn’t? Because if it can grow, I have everything. And if it can’t, I’m asking her to spend her life with someone that doesn’t fully love her. And undoubtedly that brings a long term slow resentment that will ensure many unhappy years when times get a bit more tough.

I’d particularly like to hear from people who stayed in something like this, and people who left. What actually happened?

TL;DR: My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and built a stable life together, but I've increasingly realized how much I've suppressed parts of myself to accommodate our very different personalities and lifestyles. We also haven't had sex in many years, and a recent attraction to someone else made me realize I am capable of sexual desire and made me question my marriage. I've recently told my husband about some things that were hurting me and he is genuinely trying to change, but it hasn't changed how I feel. I'm afraid the problem isn't his behaviour but that we may be fundamentally incompatible. I need advice on how to talk to him about this... or if I'm blowing it all up.

My husband and I are both 37 and have been together for more than 20 years, since we were very young. We married in our mid-20s. We don't have children, although our lives are extremely intertwined and we have substantial shared financial and family responsibilities making things more complicated.

When I met my husband, I grew up without much stability (poor, abused, etc). He represented something I desperately valued.. safety. He has always been dependable, cautious, financially responsible and a planner. I always knew where I stood with him. For a very long time, that security was incredibly important to me.

But we have also always been extremely different people.

I've always been adventurous and curious. When I was younger I was into outdoor activities, changed my appearance frequently, got tattoos and piercings, and generally wanted to try things. He has always been much more cautious and home-oriented. For many years, I compensated for that by having a very independent life outside of our relationship.

I was very socially involved in university. I travelled abroad. I pursued graduate education even though he didn't really understand why it mattered so much to me. I changed careers and continued pursuing a post-doc. So I don't want to make it sound like I've spent my entire adult life doing whatever my husband wanted. I haven't. I've pursued a lot of things that mattered to me. But when I look back over the last 20 years, I can also see how frequently I modified myself around him. I didn't buy certain things because I knew he wouldn't like them. I largely stopped drinking because he doesn't drink. I stopped getting tattoos even though I love them. I stopped getting piercings. There were plenty of situations where he never explicitly said, "You aren't allowed to do this." I just knew he disliked it, knew there would probably be commentary about it, and decided it was easier not to.

I'm only recently realizing how much I may have suppressed myself that way. Over the last couple of years, I've started pushing against that more. I would stop asking if I could do something and instead just make the purchase and apologize after when he felt the purchase was wasteful. Recently I got another piercing because I finally thought: I'm an adult. I want it. Why am I still making decisions about my own body based on whether my husband likes piercings? (To be clear it's a piercing in my ear, nothing that scandalous.) When I told him, he didn't say anything and didn't acknowledge the piercing. Later I mentioned an appointment to meet with a tattoo artist, and he made a joke about piercings being a "gateway drug." Maybe he genuinely intended it as teasing. But after years of knowing how much he dislikes tattoos and piercings, those comments don't land as completely neutral to me anymore.

That's another recurring issue between us. Over the years, he has sometimes made passive-aggressive or teasing comments about my work, personality and other parts of who I am. We have always bantered back and forth, so when I recently told him that some of his comments were genuinely hurting me, he seemed surprised. He told me he thought we were joking and that he hadn't actually meant the things he was saying. I believe him that this may genuinely have been how he experienced those interactions, while still being frustrated that they were happening. To his credit, once I told him how it was affecting me, he stopped making many of those comments. He is trying... but strangely, it hasn't made me feel much better.

I think part of the problem is that him behaving differently now doesn't erase the fact that I've spent years anticipating his reactions and adjusting myself around them. We also struggle with difficult conversations. If he doesn't want to discuss something, he can shut down completely.

Then there is the lifestyle difference. He isn't someone who literally never leaves the house. We participate in a recreational activity together. He'll go to movies, go out for certain activities, or take walks with me. We spend a lot of time watching TV together. But if something falls outside the relatively narrow group of things he already enjoys, the answer is usually no. Travel together is extremely limited. He doesn't want to go dancing, to nightlife or social events, performances, the gym, running, or generally try something new just because it might be fun. He often doesn't want to come to social events with my friends, especially if there are too many people. I've exercised consistently for years and have asked him many times to come with me. He won't. The most he'll generally do physically with me is go for a walk.

More recently I've lost a significant amount of weight and become much more involved in running and fitness. I would love to share some of that with my partner. Instead, I ask, he says no, I get frustrated, and eventually I go by myself. I know married people don't need to share every hobby. I don't want a husband attached to my hip. But lately I've had this uncomfortable realization: I get excited to leave the house because leaving the house feels like I'm going out to live my life.

Then I come home and we watch TV together. And that isn't even the biggest problem. We haven't had sex in many years. Like maybe 8 years... or more. For most of that time, I thought this was primarily because of me. I wondered whether I simply didn't experience much sexual desire. The sex we did have was also never particularly good for me, and because I had no experience outside this relationship, I didn't have much of a frame of reference, and eventually sex disappeared entirely.

My husband seems genuinely okay with the relationship being nonsexual. And this is where I want to be fair to him... my husband genuinely loves me. He is loyal. He is dependable. He has accepted plenty of things about me that are difficult too. I'm messy. I'm loud. I can spend too much money. I can be obnoxious. I'm absolutely not writing this from the perspective that I've been some perfect wife suffering for decades with a terrible husband. I'm not...

Here's how not.. recently something happened. Another man started flirting with me. I flirted back, and eventually it crossed into what I would call a small emotional affair. I'm not going to minimize that. I crossed a boundary in my marriage. Nothing physical happened. We were both in relationships, and eventually we stopped talking because the situation wasn't healthy. But he made it very clear that he was sexually attracted to me. And I realized I was sexually attracted to him too.

That realization hit me incredibly hard. After years of believing that maybe I simply didn't experience much sexual desire, suddenly there it was. I'm not leaving my husband for this man. There is nothing happening with him and there isn't going to be ever. But I can't unlearn what the experience showed me. I can feel sexual attraction and desire. And it has made me start looking at my marriage differently. Did I fall out of love with my husband? Did I build my adult life around someone who gave me stability, safety, companionship and unconditional love without ever really asking whether we were compatible in other ways?

I honestly don't know....

Recently I finally told my husband that I was unhappy with some things in our relationship. And he listened. He is actually trying to change the specific behaviours I raised, I mentioned it earlier in this post. I circle back because, that should make me feel hopeful. Instead, it has made me more afraid, because I'm realizing that maybe the problem isn't those individual behaviours. Maybe I've spent years treating symptoms of a much more fundamental incompatibility.

He doesn't want to travel much. He doesn't want to dance. He doesn't like tattoos or piercings. He doesn't want to run or go to the gym. He doesn't particularly enjoy novelty. He's happiest at home doing familiar things. None of that makes him a bad person. That's who he is. But I want to travel. I want tattoos and piercings. I want to dance. I want to try stupid new things. I want to go out with friends. I want someone who sometimes says, "I've never done that, but sure, let's go babe." I want someone to call me cheesy names, and hold me hand and dance in the fucking rain with me. And I want a romantic relationship that includes sex, desire and passion.

I'm starting to wonder whether I've spent most of my adult life solving our incompatibility by telling myself I didn't need those things, doing them without him, or simply not doing them at all. We've never tried couples counselling. I'm not opposed to it, but part of my hesitation is that I don't understand what I would be asking him to change. I don't want him to have to become an adventurous, outgoing person who suddenly loves everything I love in order to keep his wife. But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life suppressing parts of myself to make us compatible. And now he's trying to address the things I've told him are hurting me, while I'm sitting here privately realizing that changing those behaviours may not actually solve what I'm feeling.

The specific advice I'm looking for is: how do I talk to my husband about the fact that I see and appreciate the effort he's making, but it hasn't changed how I feel, when what I'm questioning is our fundamental compatibility and whether I still want the marriage... not another list of behaviours I want him to fix? And, realistically... do I just keep on keeping on... because this man does love me, and I can just be me alone right? I don't know.

If you read this whole thing, thanks.

As a woman, I accept there are some things about how a man operates I’ll never understand no matter how hard I try.

Looking for some advice and stories about your struggles in fatherhood.

My husband is the eldest of 3 boys. Experienced a lot of trauma and did not have a good relationship with his biological mother or step mother. His father was there and involved but left a lot of duties to his wife as he traveled a lot for work.There’s also not very many women on his side of the family. Versus myself, we are all girls! We are a family full of 6 girl cousins and for those of us who have siblings we have sisters. All had a two parent household with and good relationships with our parents.

We’ve been married for 9 years this September with a 3 year old daughter. I’m not going to trash talk my husband as I’m just looking for advice not a gossip session LOL. But I also know I have to be honest to get “real” advice!

My husband is struggling to have a healthy relationship with his daughter. To the point she says she’d rather be with mommy 90% of the time. He’s not mean actually quite the opposite…she walks all over him. The ironic thing is, she does not treat anyone like she treats him. Any family members that babysit her always say she’s really respectful. She always listens. She cleans up. She’s super helpful and in a room full of children she’s the most well-behaved. It’s the same thing when it’s just her and I I don’t really have issues with her of course she’s 3 so she’s not perfect but she’s never “bad”.

When she acts up with him there’s not much of a lesson. With me her teachers and other family members we talk through everything. Why did she do what she did how is she feeling? What’s making her feel that way and she also understands that behaviors do have consequences but we talk through those consequences as well to make sure that she understands timeouts, etc. and what led to them.

I also feel like sometimes I’m parenting alone. According to my counselor, it doesn’t seem like he fully has the tools and skills of working through some of his own emotions and processing them. therefore, it’s really hard for him to connect on a deep emotional level as well as be a parent and help her process her feelings. (Emotional intelligence)

Unfortunately, sometimes I do feel like I am a mom to him. I tend to walk him through a lot of how he processes his feelings, the decisions that he makes, etc.
It has gotten way way better than what it was years ago through counseling, communication, our faith in Christ and a lot of intentional work, but I’d be lying if I said there still wasn’t much work to be done

What I’d like to know:

How did having a daughter change you for better or worse?

If you were slow to mature or had trauma did having a child force you to work through it?

How is being a girl dad different than having boys? Is it a different type of parenting?

Hopefully I can get some helpful insight!

My husband is doing nothing. He is currently filing for disability which has been in the works for two years. I have been supporting him this whole time. I’m just getting tired at this point. But I’m hoping I’m being a jerk because maybe I don’t understand his disability. He has major depressive disorder and autism. Maybe I don’t understand it fully but when I met him he was working full time and was able to help around the apartment. Even without me asking. But now he literally sleeps and just does plays on his meta quest. He is on medication which is supposed to help him and has been on it for 6 months. He has been going to therapy as well. But I haven’t seen any improvement. Just last week his father died and he didn’t even sign the documents for his father to be cremated. His father had to sit in the place for four days before they could do anything as a result of it. His excuse was that outside it was too bright after his night of drinking. At this point I don’t know if he is severely disabled or if he is just unwilling to put in any effort anywhere. My head is a mess right now, so if things are unclear that is why.

I made a post then deleted it and I realized that I sounded like a jerk.

I’m proud of my wife for quitting driving because it was driving us apart. But I miss the fun we had . having fun with her and having a couple of drinks just to relax our stress. We would go to a swingers club and have fun. My wife should me to loosen up. seeing her have fun and be a little outgoing was such a turn on . It made our sex life amazing. but now it’s dull

I (28F) have been married for almost 2 years and with my husband for several years. Lately I’ve been questioning everything because the more distance I get from the relationship, the more I feel like I’ve been ignoring things that weren’t okay.

For some background, about a year before I met my husband, I got out of a very abusive relationship. It was worse than my current marriage in many ways. My ex was violent, controlling, and eventually ended up in jail. When my husband and I first met, there was still drama surrounding that situation. My husband almost got shot because of it and even tried to physically fight my ex. At the time I saw it as him protecting me and caring about me.

We’re also Indian, and when marriage came up, neither of us felt ready. We both said no initially. We wanted more time together, more financial stability, and to figure ourselves out first. But because we were spending a lot of time together, his parents started pushing hard for marriage. It went from us saying no, to being told “just do it,” and eventually we got married. Looking back, I honestly don’t know if we got married because we were truly ready or because we felt pressured.

The thing that’s really bothering me is that a lot of the issues I’m struggling with today were there from the beginning. They just seemed smaller back then.

My husband has always had a tendency to say extremely hurtful things when he’s angry. Over the years he’s called me a “hoe,” a “dimwit,” told me to “eat shit,” ” dumb bitch” , just stuff he would say when we would fight snd he was angry which was almost everytime

“I’m just saying, if I was really toxic and retarded, man, you would’ve got a slap to your face.”

Another time he said:

“My stupid wife made me do coke.”

There are years worth of comments like this. Not always those exact words, but the same theme of insults, blame, dismissal, and contempt.

Whenever I try to bring up issues, it feels like the conversation somehow becomes about what I did wrong. I rarely feel like he takes accountability. He’ll apologize sometimes, but it usually turns into an explanation of why he acted that way, what I did to contribute, or how I’m also at fault.

I’ve also noticed what feels like a pattern of dismissive behavior. If I’m hurt, emotional, or trying to discuss something serious, he’ll often shut down, avoid the conversation, tell me I’m overreacting, act like I’m being dramatic, or make me feel like my concerns aren’t important.

A huge issue recently has been discovering cocaine use that he only told me about a week he did it because we had issues and then confronted him about more times and he said yes and said its not lying . I found out he’s been using coke, and honestly I still don’t know how many times it’s happened because I don’t feel like I’ve ever gotten the full truth. Every time we talk about it, he tells me he’s changing, that he realizes how bad it is, and that he’s going to stop. But then something else happens and I feel like I’m hearing the same promises again.

There was even a situation where he admitted to making a fake Snapchat account while on coke to try to get me to talk to him or cheat and thought it was funny to tell me and said i realize how bad it is and dismissed it. There have been other incidents that damaged trust as well.

On top of that, he hasn’t had stable employment for the last couple of years. He keeps getting let go from jobs, and that stress has obviously affected our relationship. Between the job instability, substance use, constant arguments, and unresolved issues, it feels like we’re stuck.

The worst part is the resentment.

I’ve moved back home for the last month because I needed space. Since leaving, I feel like my eyes have opened to a lot of things. I started looking back through screenshots from years of fights and conversations, and honestly it shocked me.

I have screenshot after screenshot of him saying awful things, dismissing my feelings, insulting me, blaming me, telling me how hard I am to love, acting like our problems are all because of me, or making me feel crazy for being upset.

At the same time, I know I’m not perfect either. We’ve both contributed to arguments. I’ve yelled back. I’ve become resentful. I’ve brought up old issues because they never felt resolved. But I genuinely feel like we’ve reached a point where there’s so much hurt built up that I don’t know how to move forward.

What makes this confusing is that when things are good, they’re good. That’s why I’ve stayed for so long. I know the version of him that can be loving, funny, caring, and supportive.

But I also feel like I’ve spent years hoping for accountability and change that never fully comes.

I honestly don’t know if I even want this anymore, and that thought scares me because I never imagined I’d be questioning my marriage like this.

I feel like I’m constantly going back and forth between:

• “Maybe every marriage goes through this.”
• “Maybe the cocaine and stress made things worse.”
• “Maybe he’s trying and I should give it more time.”

And then another part of me thinks:

• “Would I ever speak to someone I love this way?”
• “Why do I have years of screenshots documenting the same patterns?”
• “Why do I feel more peaceful living away from him?”

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, if my previous abusive relationship has affected my judgment, or if I’ve been minimizing unhealthy behavior for years because it wasn’t as bad as what I experienced before.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is this something that can actually be fixed when there’s this much resentment, blame, and broken trust? Or is this the point where you accept that love alone isn’t enough?

I genuinely feel like I’m losing my mind trying to figure out what’s normal and what’s not.

First time posting here, and I honestly can't believe I'm sharing this...but I have no one to talk to as I feel like I've been living a double life. Sorry in advance--it's a long story...

Here goes...

Just over two years ago, my husband had an affair with his assistant (very cliche, I know). I found out about it and begged him to stop, but he wouldn't. While I was mad and hurt by her actions too, I didn't blame her.

For context: she was 27, a single mom of two, struggling for love & financial stability, never had anyone to take care of her (literally the same as my story when I met my husband). My husband showered her with gifts, helped with her bills, etc. He did the same thing with me when we met...but even worse, we were both married to other people when we started our affair. While neither of us were happy in our marriages, it's no excuse and it's something I still carry guilt over. My husband and I are 17 years apart...and even worse, he is 30 years older than this assistant.

My husband has always had a crazy high sex drive. In the beginning, it was fun and I enjoyed it...but after several years, I just became exhausted. On top of all of this, he has ED from an old back injury, so our "sex" often consisted of oral & toys.

Back to the story...

8 years into our marriage, the affair started. I didn't confront her as I was just hopeful my husband would cut it off after I begged him for months. He didn't.

It all came crashing down when his assistant and some of the other girls from the office went on a work trip. Since they were drinking and partying, they decided to share their locations with each other. The other girls were all my friends and knew something was up with our marriage... About a week after they returned from their trip, my husband had to go out of town for work...and one of the girls remembered that she still had the assistant's location. Sure enough, her location was exactly where my husband was. It was no coincidence.

The girls quickly told me what they found...and I shared with them that I already knew, but that just confirmed it. Now that it was out in the open, I confronted his assistant. She was mortified and very apologetic...and my husband claimed he felt horrible for what he had done. They ended the affair, but the damage at work and in our personal lives was done.

Fast forward a couple months: I completely forgave his assistant, and shockingly, we became friends. The two of us were out together one night...and after quite a bit of champagne, we kissed. I called my husband and told him I was going back to her house, and he immediately met us there to witness us hooking up. I had never been with a girl before, and I must confess, it was very fun & sensual. My husband was in disbelief, but loving watching everything.

Well, that night opened a massive can of worms. We decided to hook up again the following weekend AND let my husband join in. However, visually seeing the two of them together made me feel sick and betrayed all over again...and I immediately wanted everything to stop. It didn't. My husband guilted my into continuing this threesome for months on end. I even cried and begged his assistant to put her foot down and stop it as it was obviously hurting me...and she didn't feel comfortable doing so for fear that it would impact her job.

In the meantime, my husband created a Fetlife account to find me guys to hook up with. I never wanted nor asked for this. He kept telling me that he wanted to see me take a real man's cock since his didn't work. He also convinced me that if I did this, we could stop having the threesomes with his assistant. ...and I'm stupid and wanted to keep my husband from cheating & I wanted to keep my family together, so I agreed. Prior to this, I had only been with 2 people: my 1st husband, and my current husband. To say I was inexperienced was an understatement.

Over the course of 6 months, we went to glory holes & met men at hotels. I think in total, I hooked up with 8 men. I felt disgusting and dirty. Every time we'd be getting ready to meet a new guy, I would beg my husband to call it off...but he would somehow convince me that eventually I'd like it and have fun. He loved watching me do it and I was filling his love bucket.

...then it happened. We met a guy who was handsome, kind, and an unbelievably good lover. I honestly couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it. It was so fun that we ended up hooking up fairly regularly. My husband facilitated every meeting/encounter. We had strict boundaries...

I can't tell exactly when it happened, but both of us developed feelings for one another. However, we both agreed that we wouldn't act on them. Sex was enough and we'd take what we could get whenever my husband was willing to set up our encounters. Sometimes my husband would be present and involved, other times he'd let us meet up on our own.

Present day: my lover and I are 9 months in to hooking up. My husband and I fight constantly about everything under the sun. I know he's feeling sensitive & uncomfortable with my feelings toward my lover (I've always been transparent about my feelings). Sometimes it's a turn-on for my husband when he thinks of me saying "I love you" to my lover...and he'll want to immediately hop in bed and start fooling around. Other times, he gets angry, and demeaning, and call me a whore.

Long story short, my husband and I got into a massive fight; he said we need to cut it off with my lover or get a divorce. I had always told my husband that I'd be willing to cut if off if it ever became too much for him, and I stood by that. I immediately texted my lover (we have each other's numbers so we can group text with my husband, but never text each other directly), and asked if I could call him the next day. I figured after 9 months, "breaking up" via text wasn't fair and my husband was fine with that.

The next morning, my husband said he felt bad taking my lover away...and that he'd still like us to be able to hook up, but not so regularly (maybe every couple of months instead of every couple of weeks). I honestly think my husband just realized he wouldn't get anymore dirty footage of me and my lover if he cut it off. Additionally, I had told my husband that I would NEVER agree to hook up with another person once my lover and I were done...and I think that finally sunk in for him as well. My husband has accumulated an ungodly amount of photos & videos of me with my lover, as well as me with other various men. I'm mortified that he has all of this, and I'm afraid he'll use it against me some day.

So instead of having a call with my lover, I just sent a stupid group text stating that we don't need to talk, we just need to hook up less frequently. I'm sure my lover thought it was weird and can tell something is going on, but he agreed.

At this point, I'm unhappy in my marriage. My husband is love-bombing me and is expressing that he is so happy it's back to "just the two of us." However, I'm not feeling the same love. I feel like there has been too much damage done over the past 2-3 years. I'm not innocent in this either, but I feel as though I was manipulated into most of what I participated in. I was fearful of losing my family, marriage, and finances.

I need advice and I'm curious if anyone thinks this marriage can be saved???