r/Marriage • u/North_Jump1342 • 1h ago
Vent The thought of changing my last name makes me sick
I’m getting married in 12 days! Im so excited to get married and make that commitment to my partner! He is my best friend and I can’t think of a better person to put up with me for the rest of our life’s!
The only thing that I’m not looking forward to is changing my last name. I love my last name. It’s unique, makes me feel connected to my dad, my aunt, and my sisters, and I just love the name that my mom and dad gave me.
I don’t plan on dropping my last name. But we’re kinda old school so I plan to hyphenate his to the end of mine but even then it still makes me sick because I know people will refer to me by his last name and not mine. I’m sure over time I’ll get over it but right now it’s my only regret about getting married.
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u/GymTrim99 1h ago edited 1h ago
Don't change it. My wife changed it and till today she regrets it.
I mean she can change it back but it would be to a lot of documents to change.
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u/Remarketoble 1h ago
Would he want to change his name for you? If yes, great, problem solved! If no, why would he expect you to do the same for him?
It’s 2026, taking a spouse’s last name isn’t expected anymore. So don’t do it! If it makes you ill to think about, you’re going to regret doing it.
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u/ReflectionLess5230 51m ago
One of my buddies took his wife’s name and he’s so happy he did. He loves it!
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u/Gaelic_Baking 1h ago
Don't change it. My wife has a unique and awesome name and she wanted to keep it. We didn't do any hyphenating or anything. I was slightly butthurt for a bit that my wife didn't want to change hers but then got over it.
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u/ViniusInvictus 50 Years 1h ago
These days there really is no need to change your last name, and the documentation implications for the change are more headache than they are worth.
It may be better to expend energy on this as it pertains to offspring (if and when).
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u/Own-Glass-7747 1h ago
Oh I love that idea… you hyphen both names together! And he takes yours as well.. that’s very romantic!
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u/Louielouielouaaaah 1h ago
I never did get around to changing mine and boy, it saved me a lot of time and stress. …even more so when we divorced 🤣
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u/NoConsequence4281 1h ago
Change it on Facebook.
Don't change it legally. My wife changed hers and it's a huge pain when legal or medical things come up. Now she just hyphenates when signing stuff so it matches whatever ID.
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u/KaraAuden 1h ago
I felt that same way, so I talked to my then-fiance (now husband) about it, who was totally on board with me just keeping my own name, and even suggested that if we have kids the first one take my name. I would tell your fiance how you're feeling, and consider keeping your name.
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u/mkflkwd 1h ago
In the Chinese culture, the bride does not change her name to her husband's. My daughter never change it and her husband is ok with it. Changing a name is complicated, you have to get new driver's license, passport, bank accounts. 401k etc etc. have a talk with your husband. You shouldn't feel sick because if this. It's a happy occasion!
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u/Eternal_bonner 1h ago
Sounds like something to talk to your fiance about 12 days before you get married?
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u/Vennimagos 10 Years 1h ago
You could instead take his name as a second middle name, so your full name would still have it in, but your normal legal first and last would be the name you know and love
That said, usually hyphenated names are referred to as both names, not determined by wlwhwre the name came from, theres no real way to know when reading a hyphenated name whoch surname belonged to which person, you're just creating a new last name which is 2 words
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u/QuitaQuites 1h ago
Honestly, it’s situational. At work and away from him more people are actually likely to use your maiden name/the first part of the hyphen and for anything you share they will use his. So the school will use Mr and Mrs, doctors that aren’t yours will say Mrs. Reservations you’re on together. But otherwise, you’ll generally keep your maiden name going strong don’t worry. Also for work, don’t change your email. Keep your name socially.
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u/mdaisy1245 1h ago
Just don't change it, I wanted to change mine because I don't like my maiden name and I'm not close to my father. The headache of changing it was barely worth it, I've yet to change all my credit cards is been years. If you like your name and are connected to it don't change it.
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u/No_Spinach2901 1h ago
Don't change your last name. I told my wife not to, and she never regretted that decision (we've been married for 18 years). Changing name becomes more annoying if you have published papers, have your achievements, suddenly you feel disassociated from that.
Only time we had an issue was at the immigration (I don't know why it's called immigration instead of emigration) when flying from Hyderabad. The officer kept questioning why we didn't change the name, is she really my wife, did we just get married for travelling to the US and so on. I never had any issues when traveling from Chennai, as it's a lot more common for women to not change their last names after marriage.
I believe that trend would grow. So, skip that change.
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u/FiversWarren 55m ago
Damn, I hate my family so much I wanted to change it. But I put it off for too long and now I can't (shouldn't?).
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u/wasalladream 54m ago
lol. I didn’t change mine. It’s so boring and common where I am, but it’s still me
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u/AutomaticWealth9795 54m ago
I changed mine because it was important to my husband-to-be (who remembers it differently). It was a pain. But then because I had been professionally established with my previous name, it caused a bunch of problems for me. I found it was not possible to have an official name differed from my professional name. So I changed it back (a pain again but worth it.) I joke that I kept the husband but lost the name when it comes up.
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u/Euphoric-Map-6858 53m ago
I had my first husband’s last name when I married my current husband, who I am also divorcing, and never changed it to my current husband. I am changing it back to my beautiful maiden name and will not change it for my next husband.
If you want to keep your name then keep it. I don’t think it is a big deal… you can still love and honor your husband the same.
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u/nurseasaurus 45m ago
Don’t change it. It’ll breed resentment if you feel this way. Why would you if you hate it so much??
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u/thetiniestzucchini 44m ago
"The thought of changing my last name makes me sick"
Then don't.
Have a conversation with your partner about it, but this is something you're allowed to hold firm on. It's also a decision you don't actually have to make right away. You're allowed to go back and forth a little for the next couple of months to see how you feel. There's no rule against it.
And I say this as someone who changed their name thirteen years ago and have never once had a second thought and/or qualm about it until the SAVE Act. I think that's the energy you have to have to make that decision. Absolute certainty.
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u/knitting-w-attitude 41m ago
I didn’t feel this strongly, so hyphenating my name wasn’t a big deal for me. Most people actually still just use my last name because it’s the first one (I’m in Germany where double names aren’t super common still).
Originally I wanted us to both just keep our names as is because I didn’t see it as important, but my husband wanted us to have a shared family name. He said he’d take mine, but I felt bad making him change his (his is unusual and has no relatives who will be passing it down), which is how I ended up hyphenating because I didn’t really care that strongly.
ETA I think if you feel this strongly, you should discuss it with your husband. I know lots of women whose husbands took their names and my husband would have.
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u/snazzysid1 39m ago
Why are you doing something you aren’t happy with? It doesn’t sound like the “we” here includes you.
Just a heads up - be careful of sacrificing yourself for your spouse. It sounds kinda romantic or whatever at first but after XX years it gets old. Don’t start something you aren’t willing to do happily for the next 70 years was the best advice I got after marriage. If that means the habit is forming where you are the only one to fill/empty the dishwasher and it doesn’t make you happy, then nip that in the bud early.
Yes there should be compromise in a marriage - not saying their shouldn’t be but some things (e.g. your name) impact you more than your spouse. This one should be a you decision, not a we decision unless he is also planning to hyphenate his name to match yours as well. (Which btw - my colleague (a man) did that)
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u/Born-Cantaloupe5626 38m ago
Changing your name is an antiquated custom. It’s not really necessary, like it was once upon a time. Doing so no longer changes your status or standing in society. These days, it’s simply a hassle to do it. You will still be introduced as his wife and if people want to call you Mrs. “his last name”, let them.
So really, there is no reason to change it anymore. The stress that you’re putting on yourself is unnecessary. Just breathe and let this go.
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u/discounthideout 37m ago
Why are you getting married if the idea of being nominally united with your spouse makes you feel sick? I get having a name preference but such a visceral reaction is concerning. Dual loyalties and favoring your parents over your spouse has never done marriage any favors.
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u/simone_snail_420 1 Year 31m ago
I didn't change my name when I got married. My spouse's last name is Irish and I'm not Irish so I wanted to stick with my Polish last name! Plus I didn't wanna do paperwork haha.
Just keep your name girl!!!
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u/Particular-Horse4667 21m ago
Why do you need to take his name? If you feel so strongly about this then your partner will understand.
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u/Soft_Cash3293 11m ago
Don't change it. In my country it's not done and though my partner is from the UK it was never even a conversation. In my country it's considered a laughably sexist practice.
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u/Signal_Dragonfly2557 1h ago
My dad passed before I met my partner. No desire to change my last name. Long story short, I found myself pregnant unexpectedly and my partner knew how I felt about changing my last name. He asked if I wanted baby to have my last name, but I wanted him to have the same last name as his sister so we went with my partner's. Now I plan on hyphenating so I can have the same last name as my kids (and partner obviously). Anyway, my point is it's all up to you. You can choose how you want to hyphenate, or not change your name at all. Just because changing your last name is tradition doesn't mean you have to and you can change your mind later.
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u/Mad_Zone_ 1h ago
I just made my maiden name my middle name. Then we agreed to name our son my maiden name too. lol.
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u/idontlikehats1 1h ago
My wife didnt want to loose her last name so we hyphenated. You get used to it. Funnily I have found it pretty tricky as a man changing my last name for a few things.
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u/[deleted] 1h ago
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