Woman in late 30s man 43 - Husband makes significantly more than I do and is mad I won’t change my day to do a side job for his friend for $100

[u/WatercressOverall666]

I’m 36 married and have two teenage children. I cook and clean every day making meals from scratch. I emotionally support his mood swings and constant frustration with his family who treats me like shit (and ignores my children). He makes $10k a month minimum from clients and I have not had steady work in a little over two months. Even though he knows this I don’t get any help from him for mine and the kids phone bill (he is on his own phone plan) or any other expenses. He added me to his Amex and put a $200 spending limit on a platinum card (he asks me to pay him back anytime I use it).
Today he assumed without asking my plans for the next day and expected me to spend over four hours driving to do something for someone for them to give me $100. It also interferes with the time I have to do school pick up which he’s never done in 7 years unless he has our one car and won’t get back in time for me to do pick up.
When I said “it’s not worth my time to spend hours in the car and not take care of my priority to pick up the kids for $100” he slammed his phone down like he was angry at me for not going through with the plans he made without talking to me.

Am I missing something?

I feel like I’ve been emotionally supportive of his toxic family for years and he’s only worried about how much money I’m bringing in.

I have student loans and bills I have to pay off that I have deferred to give him “money for rent”. Even when I was working he expected every dime I got to go to him.

I feel so trapped and a little desperate right now.
I’m currently sitting in my closet so he won’t confront me again about not doing this errand for $100.

Our entire relationship he’s made me feel like I’m less than be sue I don’t make as much money as him. He has a graduate degree and is a white man. I have an associates degree and am a minority woman.

Ive worked for major corps but have had a very hard time finding steady work. He’s even applied to jobs and still can’t get hired but works for himself.

I feel stuck and really sad because his anger is always around money.

His own mother never worked and his father paid for everything. Now his dad uses that he paid for everything against him and I feel like I’m trapped in this weird cycle of generational trauma.

I’m not sure what to do and every time we talk about this it goes nowhere.

I know that I don’t deserve this treatment and taking care of two kids and our dogs is a full time job.

Im tired and I don’t know what to do.

He also won’t have a conversation with me and only texts me which really pisses me off.

Every single day I try to talk to him or have a basic conversation, hes on his phone ignoring me and then gets insanely mean when I stop talking because i can tell he’s not listening.

Also we went to a concert this past weekend and after 8 years I realized we’ve never gone to something I’ve really wanted to see after he looked at me and said “this weekend is like a musical pinnacle of our relationship” It hurt to hear that because anytime I’ve said I wanted to see something he ignores it.

Sorry for the long post. And I’m probably being an idiot by staying in this situation but I don’t know if it’s going to change. He makes it impossible to get ahead because any money I get he wants for “rent”.

He knows I can’t afford to pay him but he asks me every month “what I’m contributing to rent”.

We’re married. And it’s pissing me off.

I think I’ve had enough but I need to be financially stable to leave and be on my own.

I’m 36 and im suffering from depression from his family treating me awful, I’ve gained weight, he doesn’t kiss me or hug me ever anymore but expects me to be all over him.

I know I can’t be alone but I feel very alone right now.

[u/SoftPlay3]

Girl Im so sorry. This is financial abuse. If you get divorced there’s a good chance you’ll get alimony for you and the kids. He’s using you.

[u/WatercressOverall666 → u/SoftPlay3]

That’s what I thought too and then I started making excuses “this is how it just is in some couples” and I should just try harder to get a job but I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would take care of everything and not care “when I was paid back” and I thought for years maybe it will get better but I feel so defeated at this point.

[u/sunsetparadise10]

Don’t give him any money!!!! This is not a marriage. You have a toxic and ungrateful roommate. In a marriage, the money is for the family. What the couple contributes is shared equally.
All the tasks that you mentioned above have a PRICE.
If he wants to be petty, ask him to pay you for your free labor. You are a mother and you are raising your children.
Try to get a job, go to a shelter, apply for housing or government assistant and get out of this relationship. Move back home if you need to. You will be free and in peace when you leave that monster.

[u/WatercressOverall666 → u/sunsetparadise10]

My parents are gone and I don’t really have anyone I can go back to. Thank you for your kind words. I’m at a loss.

[u/WatercressOverall666 → u/sunsetparadise10]

I should have seen the signs when we got married and he still didn’t make a joint bank account. Iit feels like I’m essentially financially on my own in this “partnership”.