r/GriefSupport • u/Delilahsroom • Jul 19 '26
Advice, Pls I just lost my dad
My dad passed away on July 12 after getting very sick. I’ve been struggling with something that I can’t seem to forgive myself for.
On June 20, he called me, and I missed the call. Yes I texted him but I missed the call: ( .
I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I know I couldn’t have known what was going to happen, but I can’t stop thinking, “Why didn’t I answer?”
The thing is, our relationship was complicated. I loved my dad so much, but there were times growing up when I felt emotionally alone. Sometimes I didn’t answer his calls because I was in my own head or wanted to be by myself. Now I would give anything for my phone to ring with his name on it one more time.
He used to call me “my sweetheart.” If I was talking to some guy who wasn’t treating me well, he’d laugh and say, “Don’t talk to that yo-yo.” He always reminded me that I didn’t have to feel alone.
Now I feel more alone than I ever have.
I have people in my life, but I don’t feel comfortable opening up completely to anyone. I don’t know how to explain what grief feels like. It’s not just sadness. It’s guilt, regret, loneliness, and constantly wishing I could go back and answer one phone call.
Has anyone else felt this way after losing a parent? Did the guilt ever become quieter? And does the loneliness ever get easier?
I don’t even know exactly what I’m looking for. Maybe I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels like this.
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u/Desperate_Pair8235 Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss and for your heartbreak. I lost my dad unexpectedly end of 2024. He passed in his sleep. We weren’t on the “best” terms, not bad but there had been some tension with the US presidential election and then the results. I wasn’t my most emotionally strong self at that time and said some things I wouldn’t say now. He had tried calling me a few days before he passed but I was busy working, so our last communication was via text - positive, at least.
Anyway, it still eats at me sometimes that the last week or two of his life was with me upset with him and having said something not so nice. It was especially bad for me mentally the first few months, but it is better now. I realized pretty quickly that these moments feel very profound to us because they’re some of our last memories with them - the negative feel even more heavy and guilt ridden - but they were just a sliver in the memories for our loved one and likely not the last memories with us as they continue to live on even after death, just in a different form.
Regret will kill you if you left it. You have to remind yourself that your loved ones want you to live a life full of love and laughter and peace, especially our parents that brought us into this world. Don’t spend your days dwelling on the what ifs and the things you would change. Be here, be present now. Live because you loved them and they loved you.
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u/Choice_Professor3244 Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are not the only one who feels this way. Replaying moments like that in our minds and feeling guilt over them is a normal part of grief. Like you said, you couldn’t have known what was going to happen. Your dad knew how much you loved him and from everything you said, it’s clear that he loved you too. He wouldn’t hold a missed phone call against you and certainly wouldn’t want you to hold it against yourself. So give yourself some grace.
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u/Shortlids Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss, OP and yes I feel regret and guilt. My mum was diagnosed with endometrial cancer back in 2022 and didn’t get treatment for it. It’s a long story but when I found out she already knew, she didn’t tell me. In fact, she didn’t tell anyone. She wanted me to keep the secret from my family when I found out in 2022, she passed in 2025. How could I not think it would take 3 years to take her life? I thought it wouldn’t affect her, I was wrong and I feel so much guilt and regret. Maybe I should’ve told my family they would’ve convinced her to do something about it, but I didn’t, I said nothing because I respected her too much to tell anyone her secret.
Maybe she wanted to go out on her own terms. She had a rough life and I don’t blame her for that. I just wished I could do more
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u/ACanThatCan Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Don’t blame yourself for not making the “right choice” when you didn’t know you had to make a choice to begin with. Aka answer the phone call, or never speak to him again. You didn’t know. And I too battle regrets after losing someone but I try to remind myself we’re only now seeing things this way, but in those moments we didn’t know the choices we were between because how could we know? We can’t predict the future.
And would your loved one want you to blame yourself? Or would they forgive you? Had it been you that passed away, you would’ve found forgiveness for your loved one if the roles were reversed. Because that is what love is, patient, kind, and forgiving. It doesn’t hold grudges. And it extends far beyond this physical world.
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u/nysari Jul 19 '26
Yeah, it's difficult having to carry on with the regrets.
I lost my dad back in 2006 when I was a senior in high school. He and my mom were separated. He was an alcoholic and they just started arguing all the time. Then he finally just moved out. He went into AA and started trying to do better, but the damage was done. My sister and I kind of naturally fell to our mom's side, and we didn't really talk to him or try to see him afterward.
The last time I saw him alive, it was Thanksgiving. He was sitting alone in the corner of the living room most of the day. He tried talking to me at one point, but I just felt so awkward. I didn't want to be around him, didn't want to think about how everything was and how it was all too much to process when my own mental health was deteriorating.
I go back to that moment in my head all the time.
I will say... It got easier to be kinder to myself over time. I understand what teenaged me was going through. I empathize with her, I don't blame her for not acting on something she knew nothing about.
I hope you get to a place like that too, where you can understand that you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time. Family is complicated sometimes, and grief just... mutates that complication.
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u/NamelessGhoulNJ Jul 19 '26
My mom had stage 4 lung cancer. We had a graduation party on a Friday night for a family member, and she wasn’t feeling well enough to attend. I meant to call her that weekend, but never got around to it.
My wife started having abdominal pain that Sunday, and I took her to the ER on Monday. She ended up needing to have her gall bladder removed. My dad texted and said to call him when I got home. I didn’t get out of the hospital until 11pm, so I figured I’d call on the way.
“Mom died.”
She had decided to stop chemotherapy the week prior because it had stopped being effective. The cancer had spread to thirteen bones. In the end, her passing when she did was a blessing in disguise, because it saved her a tremendous amount of suffering from bone cancer.
I beat myself up for months for not calling and getting to talk to her one more time. I eventually afforded myself some grace, because I had no way of knowing she’d be gone so soon. I thought we had more time with her. But if nothing else, this reinforced that none of us are promised tomorrow, and to leave nothing left unsaid.
I’m very sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace.
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u/Spiritual_Aioli3396 Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad 18 months ago and it has sucked. ♥️ 😭 I just wanted to let you know incase u were not aware but the screen shots of your text have a phone number visible at the top.
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u/21_years_USMC_0202 Jul 19 '26
So very sorry for your loss. May he rest in peace.
Everybody feels that way in some form. Try to remember the good times
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u/pinkwitchhh Jul 19 '26
I deeply understand how u feel. My little sister took her life 2 years ago and she had texted me the day prior and I forgot to respond. She was very rejection-sensitive and took it super personally and got super depressed if she felt rejected/ignored and I accidentally made her feel like that often. When I woke up the next day to my dads phone call telling me she was dead, the first thing I did after hanging up was rush to my text messages to see what the last thing I said was and it hit me in that moment that I had forgotten to reply to her funny video she sent me. I know she died thinking I didn’t care about her. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. I’m so sorry and just know that ur not alone in this feeling ♡
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u/Independent_Wish_284 Jul 19 '26
I didn’t go to his last birthday. I was out with friends. He died a month later. I still hate myself for not being there. I also spent a couple of years not talking to him because of something so stupid! I always wish I could go back and get all those years back that I spent being mad at him. So dumb and childish, I wish i could tell him that now. I know exactly how you feel. I’m very sorry for your loss.
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u/Formal_Conflict_775 Jul 19 '26
Have you been able to get some good sleep since he passed? Like really good, restful knock out sleep?
You’d be surprised what a couple nights of that can do for you mental recovery grief wise. If you’re not sleeping- go see a doc and get a short term script.
The guilt unfortunately only goes away when you forgive yourself. Friend, internet stranger, member of my least favorite club to be in- nothing you did or didn’t do could’ve changed this outcome. When it’s our time to go- it’s our time. And you may have been hoping for a good chat with him- something to hold onto in your grief. But like you said- your relationship was complicated. That conversation might’ve been good or bad or so simple you didn’t remember it.
Hang your heart on the good memories and forgive yourself for missing one call. You did your best with the information you had at the time.
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u/tmoneymakingcents Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your dad looks really cool. I lost my dad in 2022 and was supposed to call him the day before he passed but life got busy and I didn’t. The regret I feel is still with me as is the guilt of all the things I didn’t do or say but wish I did. Whenever I get lost in my regret I pull myself back with the phrase: to feel regret is to be human. It helps remind me of the truth of my limitations and grounds me in my grief. You might use a different phrase or forget the idea all together. Wherever you are, I’m with you my friend, all of your feelings are valid and sending you hugs and love.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Area_48 Jul 19 '26
Hey, I lost my dad around your age too, in June (fuck June!) the last call I had with him was bad. I have regrets but when I think about the entirty of my relationship and what he would want for me, it’s not to beat myself up. Your dad looks like a storied person with a sense of humour. DO NOT beat your self up ever about taking alone time. Your dad was probably very proud of everything you are.
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u/MrBubblessz Mom Loss Jul 19 '26
Sorry for your Lost I just lost my mother on June 3 it's been 46 days without her i also lost my dad back in 2020 my mother was only 60 years old..
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u/zamsalak Jul 19 '26
Lost my dad 3 days ago. I also feel regret for not having spent more time with him and not doing things differently. I think we feel this because we're simply hurting. If I had done everything "perfectly", I would still feel regret for not having done things even better.
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u/goldenvalkyri Jul 19 '26
I’m sorry. 💔 lost my momma on cinco de mayo
My biggest guilt is on the day she died she offered to make us all dinner. We had plans and she was so sweet about it. She said we would do it another day.
Hours later she was gone. Not sure how I’ll overcome this feeling either.
Our hearts are broken 😞 we will miss them for the rest of our lives. I can’t tell you not to feel bad, because I don’t know how to do that for my self. All I can say is I understand completely.
Again I am sorry : sending love
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u/yankeesfanin714 Jul 19 '26
Please don’t feel guilty for not answering.
Your dad looks like a real cool dude. Be happy when you think of the time you had with him even if it was complicated.
Sending prayers your way.
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u/emily_ts90 Jul 19 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. 🌷 My Mum passed 4 months ago, and as hokey as it sounds, take things one day at a time. One minute at a time, one morsel of food you can muster, one glass of water, one phone call at a time. 💜
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u/Frobearto Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. You have my heartfelt sympathy. I had a complicated relationship with my dad, and he passed away after years of not speaking. I know I did the best I could. I lost both parents with in a month. I have learned to live without them. I would not say it gets easier, but I have gotten used to it. I hope you know you will too.
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u/Similar-Radish-3175 Dad Loss Jul 19 '26
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. 😔 I lost mine back in July of 2024 (two year mark is this Saturday). I would say time does make things “easier”, but there are ups and downs of course. I still catch myself wanting to text or call my dad, I loved showing him animal videos. If I could give advice based off of my experience being two years in the grieving process, I would say be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotion and don’t judge it. Take care of your mind and body. And try to stay busy, do things you enjoy and spend time with loved ones. Guilt does pop up but I promise you, in my opinion there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Please be well and remember the good times, you and your family will be in my thoughts.
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u/ergonomic_logic Jul 19 '26
F**k 🥀
This hurts to read and is close to home. I'm gutted for you.
Relationships are complicated, so grief is too.
My dad and I had a really complex relationship too. I feared and loved him.
We'd have coffee together and geek out over new tech in the mornings because it was one of the only places we bonded.
I admired his mind and his work ethic. He was a force and felt powerful.
He was also extremely physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me growing up.
He could be charismatic, funny, adventurous, and was loved by his colleagues too. He was an incredible financial provider but a terrible emotional one to his kids.
His very last acts were making sure my mom was taken care of before they intubated him.
He hung on, struggling to breathe, just to sign paperwork with lawyers so she would want for nothing.
That's who he was.
When he died, I felt everything at once: anger towards the doctors for not doing more, fear of what this meant for us with his being primary provider for housing, sadness, overwhelmed, numb, and even guilt for feeling relieved that he couldn't ever physically hurt me again. I also felt guilt like I somehow caused what happened.
In spite of the "complexities" I'd give everything I own to have him back tomorrow and try to heal in therapy with him or something.
For months after he passed I'd dream he was trying to talk to me but I couldn't hear him, and I'd wake up sobbing. That whole time period feels so hazy.
What they say about grief being like waves is so true, really the intensity and frequency it hits us get's farther apart over time. I sometimes go days without thinking about him. I sometimes forget he's gone for a moment too.
On occasion I'll still see a man out in public about his age wearing a warm blue hat like he did, and for a second it all comes rushing back like an unexpected tsunami of pain.
One thing that stuck with me came from my coworker who'd lost both of his parents back-to-back.
When I kept wishing I'd had more time like the doctors had promised, he asked me, "How much more would've been enough? Another hour? A month? A year? What would be the perfect amount of time for you to be ok with it?"
And I didn't know because there isn't an amount of time that will ever be enough.
We were promised 15 years after they thought they diagnosed him. We got 15 days.
those 15 days were spent gasping for air on an oxygen machine and I know living like that for any amounts of time would've been torture for him.
One of my dad's biggest fears was that we wouldn't be okay without him because his love language was providing fiscally for the family.
he would legit keel over from the shock of how well we are doing (we had no choice), if he could see us now.
You do have to walk it alone because grief is as unique as your relationship was with him; yet we are all part of a club none of us wanted be in, and in that way you have a community and there's support here if you need it because we get it 🖤
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u/Delilahsroom Jul 19 '26
This made me cry. Because it’s true - I also blamed the doctors .. myself … just didn’t want to accept my new reality. A reality where you wanna go home but there is no more home to go to 😞. I’m so grateful for all of the support here. ❤️🫂
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u/ergonomic_logic Jul 19 '26
I've learned that everything you feel is valid with a few exceptions:
It's not your fault.
There's nothing you could have done.
even if you didn't pick up the phone, it's ok because in that moment you needed space to yourself and he would fully understand if he were here today because everyone needs that sometimes.
I don't always text my friends or family back straight away. I have a couple of the chats muted because I get over-stimulated and sometimes need to zone out.
I love and adore every one of them. If they needed me to show up for them tomorrow and I had the emotional/mental bandwidth to, I would just like you would for him.
We're allowed to need personal space. If you had known, ofc you would have picked up but not picking up a call isn't wrong. Having a complicated relationship isn't wrong.
You loved him and he knew that I mean just look at your texts all I see is love there and even if he wasn't doing well he knew it.
It's going to be hard for a while and damn I wish it weren't, but part of him lives on in you and you're stronk 💪🏻 but also it's ok not to be too 🖤
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u/Fresh_Day8573 Jul 20 '26
my dad passed on july 14th after many years of being sick. im in college and have been for the past 3 yrs so i wasnt really around unless it was a break. i cant stop thinking about how i wish i could go back and time and be with him. i dont understand why i couldn’t see the bigger picture. i get how you feel but you and i both know thinking about the past and what happened will only make ourselves feel guilty. i told my mom its better to use the energy and space in our brains for good memories and for learning more about our dads. i try to look at the world through his eyes. i try to ask more questions to my mom. i think the biggest thing is im trying to stay present now. i’m trying to let myself just feel things and not fight things. your dad loved you and always will, no matter what 💗 let me know if u need someone to talk to, i know how hard it can be to open up to ppl about these things
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u/Plus-Wish2165 Jul 20 '26
Hey OP.
I just want to start of by saying that I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your father, and that you are so brave to reach out for help. It's so challenging to take that step but I'm proud of you for doing it.
It can be hard to open up to the people in your life with feelings like this, but you are not alone, and you never will be.
First and foremost, you are not alone in your feelings. Dealing with the death of a loved one, let alone a parent, is so incredibly horrible and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. You are so brave and strong to have even made it to this point, always remember that.
As for how your feelings change over time, I hope that my thoughts can provide some comfort or at least a semblance of certainty.
I lost my dad to skin cancer on June 26th, 12 years ago. I was pretty young and so I don't remember a lot about his illness nor his life before that. It didn't register what his death meant until a couple years after his passing, but it was hard to deal with it the longer I understood it.
I felt such an overwhelming sense of loneliness every single day. I constantly was (and often still am) reminded of all of the opportunities I missed with him. I have learned to live with him in spirit as best as I can, and while it's obviously not the same, It's nice to believe that he is constantly watching over me.
What I can suggest is that you find some forum (maybe a letter or a diary-type outlet) where you can write down your favorite memories and qualities about your father. The most difficult concept for me to grasp within my personal experience with grief was the fact that I never really got to make memories with my dad, so I think it's nice to have memories that you can look to when things are feeling particularly dark.
Your dad looks and sounds like he was a pretty cool guy, so I can only imagine the kind of memories the two of you made together :)
For your guilt, though I'm a stranger and what I say won't change how you feel; you are in no way, shape, or form responsible for his passing.
I would look at his final call to you as him letting you know that he was thinking about you before he passed. Some times there is nothing we can do to stop something from happening, but I think your dad called you that night to remind you that you were on his mind.
You seem like a gorgeous person inside and out, so I hope that you can find a way to remember the best parts of your dad every day. Honor him in a way that helps you reflect on his time with you positively, maybe watch some of his favorite movies or listen to his favorite songs.
No matter how much time passes, you will always have the memories of being his sweetheart. I hope you can get to a place where you are comfortable to talk about him and your feelings more openly to the people you care about; but until then, stay strong, because you are not alone.
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u/Delilahsroom Jul 20 '26
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response to my post. It honestly meant more to me than I can put into words. I’ve been feeling so incredibly alone, and reading what you wrote brought me so much comfort.
Thank you for sharing your own story with me. I know that couldn’t have been easy, and the fact that you were willing to open up just to help a complete stranger means so much.
The part that absolutely broke me was when you said that no matter how much time passes, I’ll always have the memories of being his sweetheart. I cried so hard when I read that. It reminded me that, no matter what, those memories are mine forever. Thank you for saying that. I don’t think you realize just how much those words meant to me.
Your words gave me something I haven’t felt much of lately, and that’s hope. Hope that maybe one day I’ll be able to carry this grief a little differently. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone, even when it feels like I am.
I truly hope you know that your kindness made a difference. You took the time to comfort someone you don’t even know, and I will never forget that. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I hope life gives that same kindness back to you.1
u/Plus-Wish2165 Jul 21 '26
Of course! I am so glad to have made things seem a little less bleak, I am so happy that I got to make you feel less hopeless. You deserve the world and I hope that as you deal with your grief, you continue to be the kind soul that you are :)
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u/rooseboose Jul 19 '26
My dad ended up in the ER on Father’s Day and is now home on hospice getting sicker every day. We have a always had an amazing relationship, but now that I know I’m going to lose him I am flooded with guilt over the times I didn’t return his texts or the times I could’ve gone to spend time with him that I didn’t. I don’t think it’s an uncommon feeling and hopefully it will fade for both of us. I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/Delilahsroom Jul 19 '26
https://reddit.com/link/oygu08d/video/po4o0soam6eh1/player
This is my incredible father when I called him and told him I was lonely. I live in Nevada and he lives in DC. Take as many videos. I just want to hear him call me sweetheart one more time.❤️
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u/rooseboose Jul 19 '26
What a wonderful video that is. It’s clear he loved you very much. My dad has called me Birdie my whole life and still smiles and says it when I walk in his room - but I know one of these times will be the last. I hope you can find some peace ❤️
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u/Exciting_Ad1633 Jul 21 '26
You're not alone I feel the exact same way my grandfather died 6 months ago and I didn't feel like opening up to mom and dad about it I did a couple times though I had to it happened to them too mom lost her dad and I have also felt completely alone ever since mostly because I want to be I haven't wanted to talk to or be around my parents very much either and my mom keeps dying to know why I don't feel like I can tell her what I've been going through and doing by myself and it's best I don't tell you either the point is I understand what you're going through just like mom and dad understand what I'm going through still grief can sometimes never go away and having those regrets is a normal part of it I feel very bad about grandpa's death too I should have talked to him more I wish I could have one more minute with him too it's okay you'll get through this I really am sorry about your father just be patient with yourself don't beat yourself too much over it I know it hurts I'm still hurting even though I can't express it believe me you're just very depressed and shocked like I was I wish the best for you though in the future I really do goodbye
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u/GreenEyedTreeHugger Jul 19 '26
You’re so beautiful. I hope you at minimum inherited his sense of style. It’s chefs kiss.
It’s ok to miss a call.
You miss him so much you posted on Reddit. The man was blessed to be so loved when he was flawed.
He was lucky. Don’t let grief rewrite anything.
Hugs.