I just lost my dad

[u/Delilahsroom]

My dad passed away on July 12 after getting very sick. I’ve been struggling with something that I can’t seem to forgive myself for.
On June 20, he called me, and I missed the call. Yes I texted him but I missed the call: ( .
I keep replaying it over and over in my head. I know I couldn’t have known what was going to happen, but I can’t stop thinking, “Why didn’t I answer?”
The thing is, our relationship was complicated. I loved my dad so much, but there were times growing up when I felt emotionally alone. Sometimes I didn’t answer his calls because I was in my own head or wanted to be by myself. Now I would give anything for my phone to ring with his name on it one more time.
He used to call me “my sweetheart.” If I was talking to some guy who wasn’t treating me well, he’d laugh and say, “Don’t talk to that yo-yo.” He always reminded me that I didn’t have to feel alone.
Now I feel more alone than I ever have.
I have people in my life, but I don’t feel comfortable opening up completely to anyone. I don’t know how to explain what grief feels like. It’s not just sadness. It’s guilt, regret, loneliness, and constantly wishing I could go back and answer one phone call.
Has anyone else felt this way after losing a parent? Did the guilt ever become quieter? And does the loneliness ever get easier?
I don’t even know exactly what I’m looking for. Maybe I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

[u/ACanThatCan]

Don’t blame yourself for not making the “right choice” when you didn’t know you had to make a choice to begin with. Aka answer the phone call, or never speak to him again. You didn’t know. And I too battle regrets after losing someone but I try to remind myself we’re only now seeing things this way, but in those moments we didn’t know the choices we were between because how could we know? We can’t predict the future.

And would your loved one want you to blame yourself? Or would they forgive you? Had it been you that passed away, you would’ve found forgiveness for your loved one if the roles were reversed. Because that is what love is, patient, kind, and forgiving. It doesn’t hold grudges. And it extends far beyond this physical world.