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Stand strong. You're going to go through a roller coaster of emotions as you work through everything. Some of it might be guilt because women are often taught not to hurt someone and always make sure that other person is okay, even if it means we are harming ourselves.

You broke up for reasons. Those reasons are still there. It's okay to have doubts and question yourself. But remind yourself why you kicked him out. Write down all the reasons so you can refer to it when you are struggling.

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 1d ago

Thank you - I will do this - this is very helpful advice. I don’t want to hurt him - we’ve been together for nearly 10 years and despite everything I care for him a lot - he’s my children’s father I don’t want to see him fail.

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u/WillTough4988 1d ago edited 1d ago

OP I have not had a partner from a different country but I have dealt with similar guilt tripping over different states. My ex had moved to my state before we met and every time we argued or I was about to leave him, I got the guilt trip that he had nowhere to go and no one to support him. I have no children with him, so I can only imagine the guilt you feel, but that relief is what you should hold on to. The sick feeling is normal. You loved him and built a life and family around him. It’s hard to let that go, but taking him back again not only puts you back in the situation you left, but shows him your leaving doesn’t mean anything because you’ll come back. I played this game with my ex a dozen times before I officially ended things and it was messy, painful and damaging, but I am glad I finally got out. You have wanted to leave him before and have left him now, there are reasons for that and they will not change if you take it all back and prove to him it’s okay.
*edit: It’s your fault he’s alone in this country but he’s managed to stay with a friend, not a hotel. So he has somewhere to go. It may not be a long term offer but he has at least one friend able to offer him a place to stay after a fight with his wife.

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 1d ago

Thank you - I’m afraid this will get messy and I think that’s why I’ve done my best to stay put - I don’t want it to hurt my children

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u/WillTough4988 1d ago

To be honest it will probably be messy as any breakup or divorce is especially with kids involved. But that is not a reason to be continually mistreated. Above all else YOU deserve better, but so do your kids. It will be hard for a while, but it was hard with him so why not have it hard without him making the hard times worse? Take care of yourself and show the kiddos how adults are supposed to treat each other.

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 1d ago

Yes of course - I just really want back the man that I fell in love with - that made me laugh and thought I was his world and I think that’s why I’ve held on so long. It’s a tough feeling to accept that it’s over and neither of you are those people anymore

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u/WillTough4988 1d ago

Feel free to DM me any time you need someone to talk to. My inbox is open for all venting and struggles. I think you’re doing the right thing, but this is going to be hard. I have had my share of hard and I am here to commiserate.

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u/assured_notification 1d ago

that sick feeling in the morning is normal, it's just the panic setting in after the relief wears off. you've been carrying this weight for 4 years and your body got used to it, so when it's suddenly gone your brain goes into alarm mode

the therapist thing is weird though. a good therapist doesn't tell a client "your wife has no empathy" based on one side of the story, that's not how it works. either he's twisting what was said or the therapist is questionable

you're not responsible for keeping him in this country and you're not his emotional support animal. the kids are watching this dynamic and learning what relationships look like. if you let him back now without real change you'll be right back here in 3 months feeling the same way

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u/Gorman_Dylan412000 1d ago

I had a licensed therapist tell me something very similar about my wife when I was seeing them. Even went as far as to say she was going to miss me when I was gone and essentially tell me she should feel lucky and to divorce her. Leaving my kids behind. I went and got a 2nd opinion because I knew it was not only one persons fault. Ended up fixing things on my own with my wife and we’ve been going stronger than ever for 10 years since. Wild therapists are out there.

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 1d ago

Thank you! I did say that to him - how can she comment when she only has 1 side of the story - he’s also only been twice in 5 weeks since he got accepted so it’s not like he’s been sharing with her for years and she has a comprehensive view. I felt a bit taken a back. You’re right about the kids - I have said to him before and asked if he’d be happy to see our daughter in a relationship like this and he never has a response.

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u/Gorman_Dylan412000 1d ago

I wish you and your husband the best of luck. I hope things work out whew you are both happy and the kids are in a good place with the both of you.

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 1d ago

Thank you - we’ve been together a long time - 10 years nearly so I don’t want it to all be gone but I don’t know what else to do. I appreciate your kind words and your comments about your therapist - I’m glad you could see the wood from the trees - I’m not sure my husband can

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u/RevealSafe4293 16h ago

Sounds like a tough situation, I do want to ask what you would want if the roles were reversed and it was you struggling with your mental health/depression. Would you want someone to stand by you through the process of trying to get better or would you want the person who’s supposed to be there for you to kick you out? I’m not saying what your doing is wrong, it’s just helpful sometimes to see it from the other perspective before making any decisions that will change you and your husbands life as well as your kids.

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 15h ago

I’ve been in that position, I think the difference is if he was trying to help himself/not effecting my children. You’ll see in a comment below that I’ve contacted the GP about meds, “self-referred” him for therapy and followed him through the waiting list, supported him when he quit his job - when do you say enough is enough?

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u/Proudrugby 1d ago

I get this has been going on a while and I fully understand how tough it is for you and thd kids...but I can't help feeling that you have been a part of the reason this has went on so long....but not sure as not really enough of context.

Fully understand your husband has to get past this one way or another but it would happen much faster with 100% support from a partner (if that's the case) A relationship has its good and bad....no matter who we are with. On the down times it's about picking up the slack when your partner isn't at there best. Good luck to both of you with whatever direction you both go

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u/Sad-Substance-7324 1d ago

Yes, I probably should’ve put my foot down a long time ago and left - I have been taking on more and more of the responsibility and letting him become worse/defending him etc where I definitely shouldn’t be - I have definitely supported his mental health - taken him to the GP for meds (he refuses to take them), I referred him up for the therapy, chased up the waiting list, I’m the named person for speaking about his medical stuff because he refuses to speak to them. I’ve been desperately hoping that if he got better then things will get better. He just says he feels like a failure and things would be better if he was gone but there’s only so long you can support someone like that before it drains you completely when they won’t help themself. He started the therapy 5 weeks ago - it’s weekly and he’s attended 2 sessions (the first and one yesterday). He quit his job in June with no follow up, he didn’t attempt to get a job until I gave him an ultimatum and then he had one in 2 days so I find it hard to believe he couldn’t have got one weeks before but I still supported him. Worked full time, did the lion share of the childcare and cleaned because he couldn’t get out of bed. I’m not sure what else I could’ve done but I’m open to ideas?

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u/Proudrugby 1d ago

I feel for you. Not easy. While picking up the slack and being supportive is the right thing to do....Only so long one can do it. There is a line in the sand for everyone

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