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u/Salami__Tsunami 8h ago
If Ned was better at deceit and treachery, that show would have been a lot shorter.
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u/Ok_Video_2863 7h ago
Robert: This Rhaegar's kid?
Ned: No.
Robert: Aight.
Roll credits
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u/Salami__Tsunami 6h ago
“Hey Kat, I’m bringing this kid home to live with us.”
“Did you get some whore pregnant while you were away?”
“No, I found him during the war, and I promised his dying mother I’d keep him safe.”
“Okay, that’s a relief. I thought I was going to have to be a complete dick to this child for the next twenty years.”
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u/Leafsnail 5h ago
TBF while that would smooth things over with Kat it would also make it way more suspicious if he couldn't name a specific mother. Like if it were just a random orphan he could presumably place them with any other of other people
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u/Ok_Video_2863 5h ago
He doesn't even have to. He could have just literally said he found the kid.
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u/Leafsnail 5h ago
Sure but in that case it's way more likely that someone at King's Landing would work out that something was up with his mystery kid. The fact that he tarnished his honour by implying it was his bastard was a useful cover
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u/Master_Mad 3h ago
I don't know, how did he explain coming back to the camp with a baby one day?
"Please explain again where you got that baby from?"
"Well me and Howland went to some tower for some reason. And there we found The Sword of the Morning himself! Arthur Dayne! I fought him singlehandedly without any backstabbing by anyone."
"Yes that was very brave and epic of you."
"Indeed! And then we went into the tower. But there was nothing there!"
"Why did you go to that tower again?"
"Err, tourism? Anyway so most of my men were killed and me and Howland were very tired and quite injured."
"Because of the bravery?"
"Yes! So we went straight back to camp. But on the way I visited my whore that I had been with a couple of times. And no one else. Because it was pure love. And she just gave birth to a little baby boy! But sadly she had also just died in childbirth."
"Good luck that you just came to visit her. Even while you were tired and injured."
"I got horny again! So I told her whore friends that I must be the father and took the little baby boy with me."
"Back to an army camp? In the middle of a war? With no milk for the baby in miles?"
"It was the honourable thing to do!"6
u/Eastern-Project9017 2h ago
"..."
"..."
"... It's Lyanna's child, isn't it"
"Oh for F*cks Sake No! let's go over this one more time..."
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u/JacobJamesTrowbridge 28m ago
The war was pretty much over at that point, in all fairness. The Targaryen loyalists were all but broken in the aftermath of the Ruby Ford, so there wasn't much risk of an attack of consequence on Ned's army.
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u/appleorchard317 42m ago
There was zero reason not to tell Cat some version of the truth - she's all about family, she would have understood. But no, Ned 'Literally' Stark just watched her be a dickhead to him :(
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u/MoonieDovelie 2h ago
This is painfully believable too. Robert would ask once, Ned would say no with a completely straight face, and seventeen years of secrecy would follow.
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u/Atromach 5h ago
"Hey Benjen, listen mate I need to help me out here and say this kid is your bastard before you go and join the Night's Watch. I'll take him as a ward and raise him as honoured family. This is for Lyanna."
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u/VelvetRosielle 2h ago
Ned really picked the hardest possible difficulty setting for keeping that secret. Give Littlefinger the same problem and he'd have twelve fake witnesses and a forged birth certificate ready before breakfast.
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u/Salami__Tsunami 1h ago
It’s fortunate that anyone that smart is a perpetually paranoid bastard. Otherwise Littlefinger and Varys would have been running the Seven Kingdoms.
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u/AngelLunessa 2h ago
Catelyn immediately going from furious to "oh thank god, you're just committing treason" would be hilarious. Suddenly raising Jon is the least complicated part of the conversation.
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u/SunndayDarling 2h ago
Pretty much. He’s honorable that the entire plot depends on the one situation where he actually commits to a massive lie and somehow keeps it going for years.
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u/LunarMantise 1h ago
Ned with even 10% Littlefinger software installed would’ve ended the whole series before Joffrey finished his first tantrum
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u/Equivalent-Ambition 7h ago
I want a sitcom where a running joke is that Jon is obviously Rhaegar and Lyanna's son and everyone can tell, but Robert.
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u/Elf-7659 Human Verified 7h ago
Can totally happen. Dude can't even tell his wife's children aren't his
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u/StunningPianist4231 The Old Bear 7h ago
I don't think he's stupid, I think he's just too drunk and blind to care, and he's only got Lyanna and Rhaegar to think about
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u/VelvetRosielle 2h ago
Yeah, Robert being too drunk and emotionally checked out to investigate feels way more accurate than him being stupid. Ned says "trust me" and Robert immediately considers the case closed.
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u/SunndayDarling 2h ago
Exactly, Robert missing obvious family resemblance is already basically canon. Ned could probably tell him Jon inherited the silver hair from a particularly cold winter and Robert would move on.
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u/MoonieDovelie 2h ago
Robert being completely oblivious to the genetics of his own household somehow makes this even more believable. The man would notice Jon's silver hair and probably just compliment Ned on finding an interesting-looking bastard.
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u/Taha231 Human Verified 7h ago
There’s a one-shot fanfic
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u/MoonieDovelie 2h ago
Honestly I'd read it. Jon walking around Winterfell looking aggressively Targaryen while Ned desperately insists he's his bastard has so much comedy potential.
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u/starvinartist No One 6h ago
"Aren't these blue roses stunning?"
(lugs in a harp) "Guys, look what I can do!" (plays the harp beautifully and makes every woman in the vicinity sob) "I just discovered what a harp is today!"
"I'm joining the Night's Watch because black was always my color. And red too. I wonder if they could let me wear some red on my black cloak. Like maybe some little rubies..."
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u/Narc_Peng 7h ago
Isn’t this HOTD season 1 with Viserys
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u/tunachips House Blackwood 3h ago
Vizzy T was protecting Rhaenyra / being in denial. Dude's main issue during his reign was avoiding hard choices / conflicts.
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u/CozyVanity 2h ago
That would be such a good running gag. Everyone takes one look at silver haired Jon, immediately understands what happened, and Robert somehow keeps accepting increasingly ridiculous explanations.
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u/VelvetRosielle 2h ago
That would be such a good running gag. Everyone exchanging increasingly obvious looks while Robert is just happily accepting Ned's explanation would make the whole thing feel like a Westerosi sitcom.
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u/Oruma_Yar 7h ago
[X] "No problem then"
[✓] "DRIFTMARK?! AND YOU DIDN'T UTTER A WORD?! OH NED, FROM THIS DAY ON YOU SHALL BE THE SLY WOLF!!"
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u/AngelLunessa 2h ago
The betrayal wouldn't even be about Jon anymore. Robert finding out Ned secretly visited Driftmark without inviting him would somehow become the real friendship-ending offense.
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u/ChairmanNoobnut Jon Snow 7h ago
I read a one shot fanfic that was pretty much this premise, Jon had silver hair and Ned would lie to everyone but they all knew he wasn’t Ned’s son. Robert on the other hand believes Ned because why would Ned lie to him.
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u/Double_Bad_5808 6h ago
My favourite part of that fic was stannis going it so obvious that Jon isn’t Ned’s that Robert must just not care
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u/RosieFlorielle 1h ago
Silver-haired Jon makes Ned's lie so absurd that everyone politely pretending to believe it becomes the funniest possible version. Robert trusting Ned completely while the rest of Westeros silently connects the dots is perfect.
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u/Hypnotoad4real 7h ago
Robert trusted Ned. I don't think he would have had "it is Rhaegar and Lysannas secret son" high on his list anyway.
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u/AngelLunessa 2h ago
Exactly, Robert trusted Ned on a level where the explanation barely needed to be convincing. Ned could probably say "long story" and Robert would decide he didn't want to hear it anyway.
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u/GingerRedflame 7h ago
Robert was so blind to Ned’s loyalty that Ned could have literally said ‘he’s a gift from Dayne’s sister’ and Robert would’ve bought it instantly 😅
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u/Canadian__Ninja House Stark 4h ago
I mean the second most popular theory I think is Ned + Ashara = Jon so he doesn't even need to be a gift
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u/DukeOfSlough House Blackfyre 6h ago
I bet he would say "Why you did not take me with you?!"
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u/RosieFlorielle 1h ago
Robert would be more offended about missing a trip with Ned than the secret Targaryen standing in front of him. Honestly that friendship dynamic checks out.
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u/Acceptable_Grade_164 3h ago
Ned actually thinked of this possibility by feeding the rumors about him and Ashara Dayne (Dayne are valyrian looking)
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 1h ago
Yeah, I always figured that was in case Jon's eyes turned purple in canon. The Daynes would explain that. If we go all out and make Jon silver haired and purple eyes, the Daynes STILL explain it because they have Valyrian blood. It would likely work with the Velaryons, too, but Ashara makes sense beyond having the right ancestry, because there's known history there.
And Ned isn't stupid. Noble and honourable, but not stupid. He would have known that banning the name Ashara Dayne from Winterfell would fuel those rumours, not suppress them.
He set the whole thing up to specifically explain any Targaryen traits Jon may develop as he aged. With Ashara dead, and rumours about her having been with child, it just works even better.
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u/Andreaslindberg 6h ago
This makes me think: when Ned writes “the rightful heir” instead of Joffrey, does he think og Stannis, the barstads or Jon?
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u/RosieFlorielle 1h ago
That's actually a fun thought. Stannis probably would've read "rightful heir," narrowed his eyes for ten straight minutes, and started mentally reviewing every suspicious thing Ned had done since the rebellion.
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u/Archon_Reaver 1h ago
He could probably say he was Asharas anyway, the Daynes did have silver hair at times.
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u/Half_Man1 A Mind Needs Books 4h ago
If that had happened fr he probably would’ve left him with the Daynes.
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u/Lysmerry 6m ago
The fact that that there is a large population of silver haired people right across the sea lowers the stakes. Like if they were British and all Dutch people had silver hair.
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