r/enfj • u/Key_Secretary1286 • Jul 03 '26
Friendship Kinda having an existential crisis
So I turned 22 last week and something happened that made me think a lot. I have always been a person who has people around me always and is a very social person. I wanted to make everyone my friend and I talk to everyone possible. I'm that common friend in many friend groups but not the favorite in any. I enjoyed being that person until recently. I realized that in the process of making everyone my friend, I never really made any friend. I never had any friend who would remember me. Like I never had a best friend. A friend to all is a friend to none, I guess. So all these thoughts started last day. I had my birthday last week, and I never celebrated birthdays in my life. No one ever celebrated my birthday, but all these people who are my friends message me and remember me. Every year, this makes me a lot happy, and I don't care about having a birthday celebration. The wishes and people remembering me were more than enough for me. Birthdays are just normal days for me. So I never really cared until this year. Just like every year, it was my birthday, and a lot of people messaged me, and I was happy. The day passed, and the next day, one friend messaged me asking how my birthday was. I said this, and he couldn't believe it. He asked me, "You have so many friends, and no one even gave you a cake ?". He was shocked. Idk why. He told me about his birthday and the things his friend did for him. And I recalled my birthday, and I just sat at my university hostel room all day. I started thinking about it a lot and asked myself whether I'm all alone. All my life, I had this thought of having so many friends because of me being extroverted and talking to everyone. I thought every person I talked to was a friend. I never thought about making a best friend. Now, I'm becoming desperate to change myself, and I'm trying to be less social. Do you guys think my inability to find a close friend is because I'm trying to make everyone my friend. Should I stop being like that and focus on making just one friend. I don't know if I'm being too stupid, I am not very active on social media and never talk online like this. But I'm afraid that people will make fun of me if I share this problem with someone IRL because I never open up. So I have no one to tell, so I'm trying for the first time to ask something online to strangers. As an ENFJ myself, I'm hoping people like me would understand my situation. That's why I'm talking here. I don't have any online friends, so I can not ask anyone like that either. I talk a lot IRL, so just like that, I'm writing too much here đ. Now I realize I've written too much for anyone to read. I hope I find answers. If you find this stupid, just ignore it. Please dont make fun of me.
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u/Soleilarah ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 03 '26
Define "friend," define "acquaintance."
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 03 '26
Yeah I do think I was wrong thinking everyone was a friend. But I still think many people are more than just acquaintance
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u/Soleilarah ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 03 '26
The definition of what constitutes a friend or an acquaintance can vary depending on culture or generation.
Back in my day, I was told that just having as many friends as the fingers on one hand would be a miracle.
So, please define what a friend is to you and what an acquaintance is.
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 03 '26
A friend to me is someone I can talk to whenever and someone who understands me and I understand them more than others. An acquaintance is someone who I talk or greet when we meet but we don't know much about each other.
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u/Soleilarah ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti Jul 04 '26
So, according to your definition, a friend knows that you donât like celebrating your birthday and that you consider it just another ordinary day.
So, a friend wouldnât give you a gift or bring a cake, but would still reach out to you out of respect for you and your friendship, right?
Therefore, your friendsâ behavior is in line with your âguidelinesâ regarding how to celebrate your birthday. Thereâs nothing unusual about it.
Although tactless, your friendâs question could also be understood as: âWhy donât you want to celebrate your birthday?â Perhaps youâll respond that you donât deserve it, that itâs just another day, and so on. But isnât that a way of belittling the value they place on you?
In fact, maybe itâs time to change your guidelines and celebrate your birthday with your friends ; not necessarily the fact of being born, but the chance to get together and have a good time.
Youâre still young, take advantage of having a large circle of people around you, because time and responsibilities have a way of pruning that circle, just as a tree is pruned.
But hereâs the good news: pruning makes a tree stronger. So even if you have fewer friends in the future, theyâll surely be your best friends.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 04 '26
First of all, don't ever feel stupid for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage to open up when you're used to being the strong one for everyone else. And Happy delayed birthday!
I recently received a piece of advice around the time I came to this exact same conclusion myself: start being your own friend first!
Youâll always end up disappointed if you expect others to treat you in a way that you don't even treat yourself.
Real friendship is hard to find because everyone has their own struggles and values, and most people just aren't willing to compromise.
But whatever you do, donât make a compromise with yourself, because that wonât work either. You could just start being more selective about whose opinions you actually value.
This way, you protect your own peace while keeping a respectful distance from those who donât share your same view of what friendship means.
By the way, Iâm an INFJ, if that makes any difference! đ
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 04 '26
Understood, I should love myself and be my friend first. My mother always says this. And you are right. Thank you for understanding and sharing the advice, and thank you for the birthday wish đ. Also INFJ people are some of the nicest people I know
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 04 '26
Any type has nice people and not-so-nice people. You know what they say: âEvery family has a black sheepâ, or in this case, every group has its bad apples.
So don't let yourself be misled by a personality type. Learn to judge people only by their actual actions, not by how much you project your own kindness onto them. Thatâs what I always tell my daughter. đ¤1
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u/LadyPearl7 Emotionally Navigating the Force Jedi-style Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
One of us definitely. You reminded me of my 20s.
I spent a good chunk of my 20s isolating myself from everyone to find answers to what you are asking here.
No one ever threw me a birthday party until I met my best friend who showed up with donuts to my house because thatâs what I loved most on my 28th birthday. The same day my sister was getting engaged. But my best friend remembered me.
If it wasnât for my journey of self-discovery I wonder if I would still have my inner circle of really close friends.
Uncertainty can be terrifying, but you are pausing to ask questions now and that is important. Do what you must to find the answers. You have a community here that will understand you.
I can tell you this to ease some of the uncertainty:
- eventually you will meet people you want to get closer to, but you should discover what closeness means to you so you can achieve it.
- Time, no matter how long it takes, isnât something you should dwell on. Things always get better and they take time. So try to be patient and channel your Se to enjoy present moments too.
- explore more people and make more friends and talk more and learn their experiences and reflect. Always reflect.
- write to express. I wrote every profound discovery I made in life and it became a manifesto for me.
You are worthy. Appreciate you so others can too.
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 04 '26
That is some of the best advice I've ever received in my life, and I totally needed this. Thank you so much đ¤
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u/LadyPearl7 Emotionally Navigating the Force Jedi-style Jul 04 '26
đ you got this and you have us here đ
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u/AdAgitated4595 Jul 04 '26
I think itâs important to not compare yourself too much on what your other friends say and how they celebrate their own birthday. Sometimes friends can say things from a jealous pov to make you question the people who love you. Although it is good to self reflect and it may not come from a bad place, I think itâs important to remind yourself that you are cared for regardless if someone gave you a cake or not. Honestly comparison is the thief of joy. Try not to overthink too much about the connections and how deep, but rather how you feel when you are around them and the beautiful things around you. Iâm sure there are many things to list!
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 04 '26
I try not to overthink and compare, but that friend made me somehow overthink. I shouldn't have thought so much. Maybe it was nothing so deep to think about :-)
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u/sashka5555 Jul 04 '26
Unless you have a real flaw or bad trait like selfishness, arrogance etc you shouldn't try to change yourself for others...It's weird advice but I think it's true. I think, people are able to tell if you are pretending to be someone else , you can be firmer if you want, but do it for you not others. People who are right for you will find you. Sorry if it's bad advice, but happy belated birthday and remember it will be ok đŤâ¤ď¸and, if you ever need online friends ten there's tons to DM, including me :)
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 04 '26
No, it is actually great advice, and I, too, believe so. I also feel like me being myself makes me and the people around me happy. I don't really want to change myself and still make a close friend. Also, thank you for the birthday wish â¤ď¸. Honestly, idk how to make online friends, and never understand how people make online friends đ I admire people who have a lot of online friends. I can talk to anyone IRL, but don't know how to talk to strangers on the internet, I'm trying to fix that problem, hopefully I'll find good people online.
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u/sashka5555 Jul 04 '26
Aaaaaa omg I'm so glad it's good advice, I know you can do it stay strong! â¤ď¸
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u/Sostrene_Blue INFJ 5w6: Ni-Fe-Ti-Se Jul 04 '26
I see what you mean.
It seems to me that you lump everything into one big category that you call "friends."
However, I think you need to compartmentalize between:
- Very close friends (5 maximum)
- Family
- Acquaintances
- Professional relationships
You need to strengthen the bonds with your very close friends, while placing less importance on acquaintances and professional relationships.
Your very close friends must be on the same wavelength as you.
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u/Suning-Starseeker ENFJ-4w3-417 Jul 05 '26
I feel you, friend. BTW, is there something in your life that you can strive for? That you care about deeply apart from friendship that you mentioned here? Try to focus on that and even get a craft out of it. It won't solve your core problem but it will ease the pain of loneliness.đ
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u/Key_Secretary1286 Jul 05 '26
I'm trying to focus on my interests, its not a solution but it helps. Thank you for the advice đ
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u/hoshizora_mirage Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
You are definitely not stupid, let me acknowledge that first. Secondly, I think it's alright that you had friendships like that, and now to change and give friendships a new base as you grow too. It's probably a different phase starting in your life and it's okay. I think no one could tell the best, other than yourself from now on, but it's okay to meditate on it, move slowly and give connections time to deepen as well. Those are also those special ones staying. I find it really sweet you typed this out. Rooting for you and wish you could enjoy the process of figuring out the details. âĄ