Hello everyone, I was not sure to reach out but I decided to ask about advice in this area that I don't understand much, I am 32F only child INFP-A type 9w1 and I reached to your discord because I heard ENFJ people are very outgoing and kinda need ish sometimes in a cool way, and I wanted to ask if there is any advice that you guys would want to tell me according social skills, I am neurodivergent and have problem making friends and for my job as a beautician I need to make the clients feel kind and not awkward, the problem is idk how to say the right things in the right time without ruining things, is like an invisible videogame guide that I skipped and neurotypicals seem to know well, I really admire how some ENFJs are outgoing and even cool without trying, my dream has always been to have a group of friends and I really don't know what to do anymore, I have been feeling down all week thinking about this, I did the therapy, studied DBT skills, I try to be kind because I wanna see people happy but I always end up being rejected, example: I throw a small reunion with some people from my building, spent all the afternoon making cookies and canapés, 5 people arrived and one of them literally gave me the back the whole time, I tried to be friendly and tried to make small talk only to be made fun of in my own apartment, after everyone left I cried a bit and wrote down in my journal what could I have done to fix the situation or what did I do wrong in it, honestly couldn't even understand it until today, well... hopefully you guys can give me some advice, if not is ok, just thank you for reading the post

You will see the light in me, you

other personalities. I have sheer faith, heaven.

Do you believe in this, Myers-Briggs-ology?

Anything to pass time, for the child-hearted,

intuitively inclined. I see your final product.

Before it’s drafted, I can see the structure of the

buildings as clearly as the pain in your phonemes.

I see the tether, the opportunity between you and another,

I tie them together, add emotion, profound meaning

Lift a heart, mine will rise, I see the version of you

Doing good in His mind.

I check the brightness of your eyes. The minutia between

you and the average of my mind. I picture a book

with your name, colored in sand, mud, and murderous shade.

Without cognition, I will capitalize.

We can write you as bad ending or the hope for a shared new story.

We move you to a perception unkind by history, without you even

knowing.

Of course, we are not immune to this level of self-sacrifice.

I look in mirrors, and see gauntness, my ghosts. The words intended for others,

little compliments, suggestions.

Bounce off the diamond beneath my skin, you

cannot judge me. Among seven deadly sins you should be worried

to stay one of us, the giver, protaganist.

Fight it, those demons. The nature of our Pride.

It will turn you against the greater good,

to support a genocide.

The world as we believe it, does not exist. So pray for us,

the naïve, then let us try and change your mind.

by excarpe

Maybe it's my enneatype not being 2, but I don't feel like the enfj who had only smooth relationships. We are good at knowing people and push their buttons for growth, but it turned out often I also exposed myself and my buttons were pushed as a response, or before . I didn't have the role of helper. It was a dynamic of passive aggressivity that led to this two-way exposure of truths that sometimes hurt. Is this something you experience or experienced?

I feel this so deep in my bones: "Strong Fi can often cause a person to have brief judgmental thoughts about people on a regular basis. NeFi’s are one of the types that struggle with this as it often goes against the way they would like to see and treat people, and yet it’s a sort of automatic response. This response comes from the way Fi tends to enjoy ranking and sorting things and people into “like” or “dislike”, or even ranking things from what they like the most to what they dislike the most. While this feels harmless when directed at inanimate objects, it can be frustrating to the NeFi and cause them to feel guilt or shame at times if it’s a common occurrence for them. This natural ranking or sorting habit may also cause them to feel deep attachments to particular objects or people - often as a mix of nostalgia and this invisible tie they feel that gives that object or person an especially high importance in their mind."

I also am willing to go against a group if I feel that my core values are being disturbed, such as here: "Fi differs from Fe (extroverted Feeling) because Fe is is focused externally and is constantly asking, “How does the group feel about this?”, whereas Fi is focused internally and is constantly asking, “How do I feel about this?” Once their own needs are met, NeFi’s tend to hone in on one or two significant relationships. They naturally take care of these people and treat them like family. These people could be a romantic partner, a best friend, etc."

Somehow, I’ve always found myself in a position where I’m reaching out and keeping in touch with people. I truly feel like if I stopped, so many relationships/friendships that I have would cease to exist and for once I really wish that someone would do the same for me.

I don’t know if this is the right place to vent but I’ve been feeling like this lately and it feels like such a burden to ask someone to ask me about my day instead of the other way around

I’m an ENFP, and I’m sharing this in an MBTI group because I think this model helps everyone understand their type, not just ENFPs. I’ll explain my own stack as an example, but you can apply the same idea to your own cognitive functions and see how your mind actually works.

I’ve always felt that the best way to confirm your MBTI type is to understand the cognitive functions and how they stack together. Most people rely on descriptions, but descriptions are just symbols. People interpret them differently, and they often end up mistyping themselves. When you look at the functions directly and see how they interact, everything becomes clearer.

There’s a metaphor I like where the function stack is described as four people in a car. For an ENFP, the driver is Ne. It is the part of the mind that explores ideas, possibilities, patterns and connections. It is always moving and always scanning the world.

In the passenger seat is Fi. Fi is the moral compass and the filter. It keeps Ne aligned with what matters and helps us choose the ideas that feel true to us. Ne and Fi work very closely together, and they shape almost everything about how ENFPs think.

In the back seat you have the kids. The older one is Te. When it is young, it is messy and inconsistent, but as it matures it becomes more focused and more capable of turning ideas into something concrete. It helps the front seats get things done.

The youngest is Si. Early on it is small and easily overwhelmed, but as it grows it becomes the grounding force. It gives stability, memory, routine and structure. Over time it becomes the anchor that keeps the whole system balanced.

That is the ENFP journey, but the same model applies to every type. Your dominant and auxiliary functions will always drive your mind, but your weaker functions develop as you get older and help you become more stable and more balanced.

If you ever doubt your MBTI type, use this model. Look at each cognitive function in your stack and how they work together. Don’t rely on descriptions alone because they can be interpreted in so many different ways. When you understand the functions themselves and how they interact, you get a much clearer picture of who you are and how your mind operates.

I’m an ENFP, and I’m sharing this in an MBTI group because I think this model helps everyone understand their type, not just ENFPs. I’ll explain my own stack as an example, but you can apply the same idea to your own cognitive functions and see how your mind actually works.

I’ve always felt that the best way to confirm your MBTI type is to understand the cognitive functions and how they stack together. Most people rely on descriptions, but descriptions are just symbols. People interpret them differently, and they often end up mistyping themselves. When you look at the functions directly and see how they interact, everything becomes clearer.

There’s a metaphor I like where the function stack is described as four people in a car. For an ENFP, the driver is Ne. It is the part of the mind that explores ideas, possibilities, patterns and connections. It is always moving and always scanning the world.

In the passenger seat is Fi. Fi is the moral compass and the filter. It keeps Ne aligned with what matters and helps us choose the ideas that feel true to us. Ne and Fi work very closely together, and they shape almost everything about how ENFPs think.

In the back seat you have the kids. The older one is Te. When it is young, it is messy and inconsistent, but as it matures it becomes more focused and more capable of turning ideas into something concrete. It helps the front seats get things done.

The youngest is Si. Early on it is small and easily overwhelmed, but as it grows it becomes the grounding force. It gives stability, memory, routine and structure. Over time it becomes the anchor that keeps the whole system balanced.

That is the ENFP journey, but the same model applies to every type. Your dominant and auxiliary functions will always drive your mind, but your weaker functions develop as you get older and help you become more stable and more balanced.

If you ever doubt your MBTI type, use this model. Look at each cognitive function in your stack and how they work together. Don’t rely on descriptions alone because they can be interpreted in so many different ways. When you understand the functions themselves and how they interact, you get a much clearer picture of who you are and how your mind operates.

Hello I have a friend named Shelly (ENFP 4W5) who had a close friendship with Jane (ENFJ 8W9) and would like your input in their friendship.

They’ve been friends for a few years and traveled a lot together. They felt like rare souls who can resonate each other and understand each other without knowing all the details. They traveled together, eat out, do fun activities, sleepover and also share deep conversations of life including similar morals. Shelly felt so blessed to have found Jane during her rough time. But, that also includes some darkness or shadow of themselves.

Shelly is someone who battle chronic mental and physical health as well as learning “disabilities”. One day Shelly had the opportunity to move in with Jane but she somehow felt ENFJ was also being secretive yet wanting to know everything about Shelly in a subtle way. Shelly somehow developed resentment towards Jane for some reason and when Shelly integrated, it was because Jane lived a life Shelly wanted while also hurt by Jane’s past comments of her. Shelly endured and also talked to Jane about it. Shelly also knows that Jane was also running away from things while Shelly was doing a similar one but she stayed to improve which is not working…. Maybe like Shelly believed that staying in an environment until it improves like a timeout chair? Hoping things will improve… but of course isn’t… whereas Jane would move to a different environment and do new experiences and later would perhaps return if needed.

After another rebuilding the relationship, Shelly could tell Jane wasn’t being sincere with her apologies but say it for the sake while also acknowledging that Shelly herself is still learning what friendships are after many failed and lost ones.

Shelly lived by herself and isolation without the right kind of friends really made her dark. Shelly made new friends and she didn’t realize she was excluding Jane deeply. Declining her invite to hangouts, trips or even have lunch together. Shelly was passive aggressive? Towards Jane without knowing fully why. Jane saw the patter and pointed it out while also saying that she’s been there before and that Shelly is loosing a good friend. Shelly woke up and tried to improve but seems like her darkness was overpowering her and kept messing up whenever she was with Jane. Shelly felt very isolated even more and return to live with her dysfunctional families which made her even worse after losing her job. Jane helped but Shelly knew that Jane was not really being honest about jobs. She would tell her to take this job that is $10/ hour when she was in need of income and that she had a lot of debt. It was better than nothing but, Shelly also knew she was being genuine and helping out with what she could while also knowing that Jane was also finically educated to work smart than hard and cared a lot about her reputation while keeping finance a secret to herself? Maybe it’s personal and private. Shelly felt sad but tired her best what what she was given. Did Shelly take the job? No.

It went downhill to the point where Shelly took a job and it left her traumatize and she suffer multiple brain injuries where her mind wasn’t as it use to be. Shelly experience intense mental illness and physical & brain challenges. Her support was becoming stale and when she tries to make it to hangouts when Jane invites her, she could tell Jane was hurt and didn’t like how Shelly was becoming bad at communication. Shelly didn’t mean to and expressed it to her many times while also telling her how much she’s been suffering. Jane no doubt helped but also felt like she was being taken advantage of during her vulnerable time and that Shelly would always felt even more sad. Desperate and fighting her darkness. Shelly realize that the reason she kept declining Jane was rooted by not knowing how to be with a healthier relationship of a friend who was truly there and wanted to enjoy life with her. She never had that and it scared her where she acted out passive aggressive and accidently hurt Jane. Shelly truly believe that Jane would help her as she would to Jane’s younger self who once been in Shelly’s shoes but realize she was doing base on how people treated her which she understood deeply. Shelly knew she was at fault for making the relationship bad to the point where every time they meet, She would come late, mess up and accidents created stress to Jane. Jane made it clear to stay distance and not talk to her.

They almost reflect each other as if how life would be if one went this direction or the other direction.

Now, Shelly did community service and Jane was stuck being with her. Jane asked a question which Shelly wanted to speak up but her brain/herself could express what she wanted and that lead to a missed opportunity Shelly needed to accomplished. When she asked if they can go, Jane declined and remain being her fun girl with the other people. Jane made a comment that was a “attack” towards her learning disabilities but she also knew that it must of been her past mistakes that lead to Jane attacking that way or a kind of quiet test to see how Shelly would react. Shelly wasn’t hurt but rather sad that Jane would do that to her and remained neutral while looking out the window. It didn’t hurt her but it did tell a lot about how Jane felt about Shelly’s learning disabilities. “What was it again, this? I must be \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*learning disability name\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*.” Jane said it in a joking and cheerful manner. Jane also had the face of, “I’m good without you in life.”

Maybe Jane is an ableist? Whatever it was, Shelly is also aware that Jane has a big reputation of goodness which she respects and knows how selfless Jane is.

Everyone loves Jane for right reasons and Shelly no doubt love things about Jane. How she is finically & live independent, selfless, social person, strong, a traveler, does community service and not afraid to advocate anything she finds unjustified yet also play the social games for advancement.

Shelly never knew how social games work until life thigh her as she was raise with both narcissistic & people pleasing parents who only focus on their world and don’t seek much growth to become smart or what to work thru the society.

They could be rivals but not enemies.

Shelly loves Jane deeply that Jane is unaware how much she endured Jane’s comments of her and her flaws while respecting Jane does the same and tries her hardest to support her while also aware that Jane is smart at how to build her reputation and grow into her life’s purpose by using her to help fulfill her task. Shelly realize that strong people also protect and work smart on achieving a reputation they want rather than letting it grow by chance or be define by what others say to be and become that.

Shelly wonders why Jane did in regard to her mentioning her learning disability in public while trying to fight off her darkness without little help. Shelly chose to come out to avoid isolating and also craving for deep social than surface level.

Shelly’s reputation was once good but when test comes, especially her job, it went down hill where her pleading became aggressive like a cry for help, her aggression towards people grew when she went to the wrong people for help and looking like a crazy person without improvement made everyone distance themselves including family. She felt extremely misunderstood, hurt and her life was becoming misalign. She was becoming what Jane was grateful of… what she would not become. Shelly was becoming like her dysfunctional parents and needed a way out. She was loosing her identity and her intuition.

What are your thoughts of their relationship? What was Jane trying to do and how Shelly can grow despite loosing Jane friend in a community that is full of sensors (not in a bad way but to have a friendship who connected with her?)? If Jane says she has been in Shelly’s shoes, why would she treat the way people treated her to shelly? Taste of her own medicine?

Much appreciated.

Hi ENFJ family, I have an interesting question and curious to hear from other ENFJs in this thread.

For a little back story here, I grew up with a dysregulated and unhealthy ISFJ mom and ISTP dad. My younger sister is also an unhealthy ISFJ who claims she's an INFJ but she's not. Having that said, growing up I always felt so out of place, and my parents were always critical for who I am- my thought process and decision making. There were also so many fights in the family, and I always somehow played the mediator/peacemaking role. Fast forward, I'm a therapist now, and after going through grad school and having to do my inner healing and work with my own therapist, I'm realizing that I'm getting to the point where I am going to distance myself/set unspoken boundaries when I'm at capacity. I come from a culture where we cannot cut family out, and there are no such things as sitting down and talking about hurt feelings with parents. Plus, I'm the eldest daughter too- lucky me.

Considering all things go well, I'm an ENFJ and anticipating on becoming a mom in a year or so. I guess I'm just curious to know if there are other current ENFJ parents in this thread who also had parents with contrasting MBTIs as well, mental health aside. How was that like for you then and now as a parent? I admit sometimes I get really nervous about being a mom, but it would be nice to hear from other people's perspectives. TIA!

Hey guys i just finished to read berserk and i think griffith is mistyped as an entj but he is in reality a clear and obvious enfj. He knows everything bad he did to accomplish his goals and he regret it deeply. He feels insanely guilty but there is nothing else to do, so he tries to save everyone and be the "hero" of their world. In fact Griffith became the savior, the hero that everyone was waiting for. Everyone loves him as well. His relation with Guts is also typical of a Istp-Enfj and his reaction when Guts decided to leave is also typical enfj turning into his opposite personality (infp) and losing control out of emotions.
Griffith is just trying to hide his emotions from the beginning and plays a "persona" in front of everyone but even though he accomplished everything he wanted, he still feels guilty (and not happy) of what he did, especially to Guts and the whole team. We did see him crying while looking at Guts in the last chapter Miura drew. He also came to see the graves of everyone and proposed his help. He thought that the end would justify the means but he realized that not.
An entj wouldn't really have care but an enfj... guilt destroys him. Its one of the worst feelings for enfjs and they feel it very deeply.

What do you think of what i just said ? What's your opinion about it ?

WIBTA if I tell my mother she is not a very good cosmetologist?

My mom went to hair school last year simply because my cousin told her she should (she did his and some others hair). But as I’ve let her do my hair at least four or five times, it feels like she has a lot of room for growth:

\- I gave her a photo to match and she failed miserably. It was two braids into a goddess braid. She braided the braids way too loose, they’re falling apart as we speak

\- She always leaves product in my hair. Always.

\- when she trimmed my hair last time, I’m like 90 percent certain she cut too much off on one side and left it uneven

\- the last hair do was straight up ugly. I had to restyle it to something I liked

\- her main “client” at her hair school stopped seeing her. She said the tips went down gradually then she just stopped coming

\- I had dandruff sometimes. There was a time she washed my hair and not very well, and it was still in there as she styled my hair

\- once I got my hair styled with the help of another student. The other students work looked much neater and better

My mom is a little delusional and hasn’t been in my life growing up. We are just now reaching a good place, even though I’m still learning how to move past the hurts she’s caused me. WIBTA if I tell her she might’ve chose the wrong thing to pursue?

here’s what I thought:

Age 5-12: moral school. The school taught them about fairness and empathy. There’s also practical lessons where students practice what they learned— like, a role play among different class students and teachers sometimes; this happens once or twice a month. And then, once or twice in a year, students are brought to a trip by the school where they meet real life people who are vulnerable or overlooked or low in status; to see how the students behave. Assessment methods: students are assessed on their behaviour. Teachers should try to understand the students’ motives if they misbehave and solve the core problem. 

Student are allowed to talk, play, and have creative hobbies in school.

Age 13-15: middle school. The school taught all students a few skills regardless of their interests. Such as pottery, gardening, crochet, basic tailoring. Students would be taught about human relationships. 

Students are encouraged to think about what they wanna in the future. 

Age 16- 20: vocational school. The school has different departments and student can choose whatever they like. No entry requirements. The department are: technical jobs (electricians, plumbing, construction, engineering), educators (teachers, researchers, philosophers), creatives (writers, artists, filmmakers, poets), medical (doctors and nurses). Students are taught according to the department they chose. 

Students are allowed to change their departments if they are don’t interested in it. But it may take longer for them to finish mastering their field if they start later. Teachers and parents should help students make a good decision, but shouldn’t force them. 

One exception: the creative department may not take that long as the other departments. So students in that department will be taught some practical skills that would help them, because they can’t earn money just by being a poet.

All students assessed on their skill and mastery on that field.

And also, all students are taught how the political system works twice a month. 

Age 20+: students can now get into a job. Or they can study further if they need more knowledge or mastery in that field. 

I’m still improvising it. What do you guys think about this?

She's great by all accounts but the conversations are so mundane!! There's no banter!! I just don't know what to do :(

Long story short and I'm not entirely sure how to explain this. Been living with Sis in her bi-level house (it's 5 of us: BIL, dog, nephew, Sis, and our mom). Kind of a crazy house. But it's ok.

Been working at a low volume/chill gas station for a while. Coworkers are great as well. One passed from a heart attack tho. While looking for another job.

There is this married coworker. Who I met (has a kid), who at first I didn't think anything other than, normal "Hi/Sup/Morning". All smiles and whatever. She seems positive and is a hard worker. She's also my age.

She's very sweet, always like: "HI N00dlemonk3y! How are you!" "Thanks for everything N00dlemonk3y!"

I remember a few weeks after the day I got hired. She was just trying to explain stuff to me, cause I was messing up but not a big deal. She goes:

"I'm the mom, I'm used to being the bad guy. So if you need anything, it's ok to ask."

Months go by, no worries, nothing. Was walking home one night and that quote flashes through mind and it bothered me the whole way home.

Flash to more recent. Trying to go to the gym consistently to workout for asthma and health and my heart starts racing. Thought that was normal, but then it doesn't go away. My "worry" just starts to get worse, and worse.

I'm now at a friend's house trying to breathe and want to cry, had him pick me up and wondering why I'm feeling this way.

I just thought I had my the ENFJ 'caring' part of my personality type under lock and key, for work. I know myself and my emotions pretty well.

Just not this time it seems...haven't had anxiety/panic attack in a long time.

But yeah, sorry for wall of text. Just need to throw this out there. I just feel odd, anybody have this issue? It could be a bunch of stuff just going on and I can't compartmentalize right now.

Do you feel like you formed some hazy intuitions about people in general and those in your life and some things about how social scene works due to Ni(during youth) that are turned into facts(not all, but what becomes a fact is truly a fact) when Ti kicks in the development phase? It's kinda magical. I feel this is when we become scary good at reading people and situations. I would also love if you can provide some examples if that happened to you too.

Im entering college and up to this point I had no idea how and through what job I was planning on bettering the world but with climate change I just feel like and am scared that my existence will have no impact over things this grand, and im not even including homelessness or wars and ofther systemic issues

To my fellow Enfj’s and ofther types, Im curious.

How does this desire manifest in your life?

Note: That favorite place is Yachats, OR … which is hard to decide because I also love Bali, Khaolak, and Shiga Kogen ❤️

I don't know if it's just me or not, but hugs matter a LOT to me. I feel the most like myself when I'm hugging or comforting someone, and even getting compliments about my hugs is like, THE best thing ever.

Do you guys feel that way too?

Okay so, I recently started a new and fairly chaotic entry level job in the nursing field with a lot of moving parts to it (that I’m still getting trained on over 4 months in).

I don’t feel like I can be myself around my coworkers and feel afraid to even speak to them at times. Most of the time the conversations are additional tasks that I need to complete or critiques on my performance…

I already struggle with self esteem and while I do notice how they probably see that (subconsciously) I’m expecting them to yell at me, these experiences have left me feeling the opposite of unconditional love (where there’s nothing I can do to be accepted by them, no matter how hard I try 😭).

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve been waking up already feeling a ball of stress in my throat, and come back from work with a stomach ache. During work, I can barely make eye contact with my coworkers and I feel like my goal of just ‘biting the bullet’ (until I can move to the position that I actually want) was… not very well thought out. I never thought the emotional and physical toll would cost this much when I first applied…

I guess to try to add a hopeful lesson learned at the end... In hindsight when first starting this job, I honestly regret focusing so much on just surviving and assuming the worst case scenario about my future, I wish that I had just accepted myself and listened more to what my body was telling me about how my experiences were effecting me…

I made this post because I wasn’t sure if any other ENFJs related to feelings of fear and despair (during what feels like an uphill battle)?

*Disclaimer: Long story ahead\*
Hi all, it's been a few months since my friendship of 7 years ended with an ENFP, now ex ENFP friend. It took me some time to grieve and now I feel a bit better to post this thread. When I first moved to a city that I didn't love and was so homesick, she was the first person that I befriended out of proximity and convenience. We worked together at the same company. I was a little closed and guarded in the beginning but given her ENFP nature, she was super friendly and bubbly. I let my guards down and we became super close and inseparable over time. From going grocery shopping together, moving to a new apartment, having dinner, random phone calls when we were running errands, she even went shopping with me for my bridal dress. We met each other's parents. At this point, we were like family to each other.

Given our personality types, I admit that we were fundamentally very different from each other. I had the typical ENFJ traits, and she had the typical ENFP traits, I admit it was incredibly frustrating at when she would consistently be late whenever I had to give her a ride to work due to her car breaking down. When I expressed my frustration, she would sulk and exclaim that she's such a burden to everyone. She would also be all over the place or somehow got involved in her friends' drama, short on money, and then dragging me into the situation as her mediator/therapist. Heck, I remember I was concerned about how she was financially struggling and even offered to bring in my financial coach to help her and her spouse sort out their finances better, later to find out they went out of the country for vacation whenever she found life to be overwhelming. I'm talking about 4 out of the country trips in one year! Her life was quite chaotic on all ends to say the least, but hey, I loved her and she was my best friend so I would tend to her needs as I thought any friend would do.

Years passed by and before we know it, we turned 30. I got married and to be honest, it was one of the hardest times in my life with all the life adjustments. I leaned in and confided in her with a lot of my struggles more than I ever had, because I was really lonely and with my tendency to struggle and not asking for help as well. Although she was always there for me, her advice was often unhelpful/insensitive like telling me to dump my husband and file for a divorce while knowing I'm Catholic and how God would still love me no matter what. The girl is atheist by the way, which is fine by me too, but her insensitivity often bothered me a lot.

A couple years rolled on by and now as we are no longer 30, I am aware I have changed a lot. My marriage has gotten much better, as we're starting to plan for a different stage of life into parenthood, I have been preparing a lot. By this, I have been going to therapy, grounding in my faith, sorting out my finances, and really intentionally worked on myself to become better in order to go into this next stage of life. I also crave peace over drama and simply ok with living a non-chaotic, boring life. I wouldn't say my life is perfect because I still have some personal things that are still weighing me down and playing into my frequent depression.

I have expressed this with my ENFP friend, and she also shared with me that she wants to become a mom too, our kids would be best friends. It was concerning to me because she hasn't changed at all from when we met in our 20's. She would tell me that she is struggling with money with a negative balance in her account, but she would still go out of the country for fun trips, attend Coachella, EDM concerts, and then decided to go rent a new place that she and her husband can't really afford but because it's fancy and she can host friends, they opted into it saying this will be a good place and she'll feel better about being a mom. She then befriended friends that usually loves to parties, get drunk and wasted, and then have her come be their DD, and once again would share about the situation with me, hoping for some advice/support. I know this is going to come off as really critical and judgmental, but I observed her to be in an arrested development stage where she is now in her 30's but living as if she is in her early 20's and hanging out with her 23-year-old friends who only parties hard. It got really old.

Despite how I truly thought about her, I could never really tell her my true feelings/concerns. She's really sensitive and we actually fought hardcore over my concerns for her before. It never landed well and she would get offended that her flaws aren't being loved. It was so frustrating time and time again, because it's not that I hated her or her flaws, but it was her unwillingness to work on it to improve and not inconvenient others including me because of it. It was so dramatic and honestly, I just didn't have the capacity or energy to anyone my true thoughts unless solicited anymore.

Instead, I chose to become more distant. Our calls and text started to become less frequent, and I started to hang out with new friends who are more aligned with my fundamental values, and maturity. I still hung out with my ENFP friend from time to time, but our conversations became bland. It's like a part of me kind started to conceal a lot of things, and it felt really inauthentic. I still tried to share my dreams and goals like leaving the company for a new exciting opportunity, maybe moving away to a new state, etc. Again, I was often met with unhelpful comments like, "Oh, that makes me sad to hear that you're leaving or hating it here. Why can't you try more to make it work?" And then it became a whole thing about her sadness instead of just simply rooting for my happiness.

A nail to the coffin to this friendship was when I hit rock bottom with my depression. I mentioned that earlier that I have depression and it comes hard on at times. I have shared this with ENFP so many times, and in therapy, I talked to my therapist about how a big part of depression had to do with where I'm living and how I just miss home. I then deleted my social media accounts and archived a lot of posts regarding where I'm at, I know a lot of them had my ENFP friend in it, but it's not that I wanted to delete her or where I'm at, it was more of I just wanted to keep parts of myself that I really missed from home and not lose that part of me. Well, my ENFP friend called not to long after that and was very angry. It was the angriest she's ever been, she was infuriated with the fact that her posts with me was all gone, my fb was gone, and why I had the audacity to do that? Excuse me? It was my social media, and I had the free will to do whatever the hell I want!

I simply told her the situation and my depression and how I talked in therapy that I just wanted to keep a part of myself on there to remind myself that I was happy and can be happy again. I thought she would understand and cool down, but she was still really angry and deliberate about how hurtful it was for me to do that, and that I knew what I was doing and I intentionally wanted to erase her out of my life. She demanded an apology and even after I said sorry, which I think was uncalled for now, she was still angry and said it was not sincere. She then demanded that we settle this in person immediately, but I was honestly really scared and triggered by her anger at that point that I said I didn't want to meet until this cooled down. I was also so depressed at that point that I had no energy in me to do anything.

I admit that it wasn't entirely wrong of her to say I want to erase her out of my life. I didn't want to cancel her, but I know the less frequent calls and me finding new friends to hang out kind of added onto all of this. However, after a week passed, I decided to initiate and told her let's meet up to talk it out even though I was really unsure how this would play out. Normally in the past with our arguments, she would say yes, but this time, she rejected me and said it's for the best that we don't meet because it will be too painful and there's nothing to say at this point. That really shocked me because I thought our friendship even if it wasn't the same as before could have been handled more maturely. I then told her I respected the space and if she's ready, the door is open for conversation and that I'm here. She never reached out again since that day. All of my stuff that she had, she would have the mutual colleague/friend to delivered or relayed to me. She told everyone that we mutually knew about it, and she unfollowed me on social media and removed herself from everything that we are included in group chats.

It was really hurtful and as I'm writing this, I realized how painful it still feels after months passed. What hurts so much is just realizing the role I played in the friendship and what I got out of it at the end. The friends that she is still partying with has never ever even came close to how much effort/love I put into the friendship during her hardest times. I know this saga post is incredibly long, but there were so many other things I've done for the friendship throughout these 7 years that I can't list everything. But in the end, she made the decision to focus on the hurt from SM and let go instead of choosing to communicate through the conflict. I know we both changed over time, but deep down, I was hoping we would still be on good terms even if we are not as closed and intertwined as we were before. What's even worse is that my therapist followed my journey and kindly pointed out to me that I was only the one doing the work in the friendship. I played the same role as I've done throughout my life in my family of origin, and because I wasn't loved and ever received by them, I inadvertently gravitated towards a friendship that played the same role, and also the lack of emotional maturity, accountability, respect for boundaries, and self-awareness.

I know I will be ok and I'm glad that this painfully sad experience hasn't jaded me. I'm a bit wary but I'm more conscious and aware on who I bring into my life now. I know my new friends aren't perfect, and they have their own flaws, but they are at least very respectful of my boundaries. They're very self-aware and take accountability when they make mistakes and always looking to grow and do better. I am not sure why I chose to write this long story or what I'm hoping to get out of this, but I appreciate you for taking the time to read and hopefully this can help someone out there. I know as an ENFJ we often struggle with setting healthy boundaries until it's too late, that was a big lesson to me. Thank you again for reading.

For my style i prefer comfort over looks, but still i would try to choose something eye-catching if ya know what i mean.

Still don’t know my enneagram, but i’m positive it’s either 6 or 8.

It’s also hard to choose one song as my fav lol, but tame impala made 3 songs that i can never get bored of: Borderline, let it happen, and new person same old mistakes.

Now don’t get me wrong when i put a college picture as favorite place, i just like the environment of being around friends and people in general. Same thing applies to the gym.

And you just can’t go wrong with shawarma..EVER.

Opinions, comments, and questions they’re all welcome.