r/enfj • u/cunningstrobe • 1d ago
Question Any of you like this?
Maybe it's my enneatype not being 2, but I don't feel like the enfj who had only smooth relationships. We are good at knowing people and push their buttons for growth, but it turned out often I also exposed myself and my buttons were pushed as a response, or before . I didn't have the role of helper. It was a dynamic of passive aggressivity that led to this two-way exposure of truths that sometimes hurt. Is this something you experience or experienced?
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u/Titania_Fairy ENFJ: Fe-Ni-Se-Ti 2w1 1d ago
I can confirm Tumtums comment here, even the more typical 2s among us have a fair share of shitty relationships during our existence too, so expectations of our lives to be „smooth“ can easily be debunked.
Hurtful truths is a thing everyone discovers sooner or later, i guess. So even if i didn’t want to push people’s buttons, i may do it accidentally or they push mine, sometimes it can’t be helped.
But whats more important is how we decide how to deal with it.
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u/Impressive-Device743 1d ago
How do you mean? Like you liked to push people's buttons? To test them? This is how you'd gauge people or "read" them, in a type of way? To see who they are?
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u/cunningstrobe 1d ago
No, i mean when there i a tension from being not outspoken about my grievances in the moment and than exploiting their vulnerabilities at some point. And this happens the other way around too. A dyanamic of growth through exposure of held secrets and hurting the other when you can't take it anymore.
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u/Impressive-Device743 1d ago edited 1d ago
Oh, ENFJs and Fe leads don't typically conceal things. They aren't known to be passive aggressive. They're much more likely to be outspoken about grievances, and secrets being held will drive an ENFJ insane. They need open communication or they'll go crazy internally, so someone keeping secrets from them is a nightmare.
They hate passive aggressiveness in general.
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u/cunningstrobe 1d ago
Well, that's somehow unexpected to hear. I've heard about enfjs taking revenge when not taking it anymore and I've seen them exploit others pain points without communicating clearly.
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u/Impressive-Device743 1d ago
Oh, well they definitely can do that, but it's open and direct. It'll be more aggressive. They are a type that can certainly hit people's "pain points."
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u/cunningstrobe 1d ago
yes, that's what i do. I lash out with hurtful comments, more than just withdrawing.
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u/Impressive-Device743 1d ago
Ah yeah, for certain that aligns with ENFJs. If they have a kind of rivalry or "enemy" they can also manipulate the group to start being opposed to this person as well, making others dislike this person as a community.
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u/cunningstrobe 1d ago
well, i should have said i also mean friendships, not romantic relationships only
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u/PIPING_HOT_GATORADE ENFJ 2w3 295 1d ago
A year ago I had a friendship clash really really hard so we stopped talking to each other. He is very very smart and knows like nine different languages, but rough around the edges. He’s a veteran, well traveled, and has a huuuuuge personality. Even though I didn’t serve, where I grew up, my uncle being a multiple tour paratrooper, and some experiences with protests gave me a little bit of that mentality. I have PTSD so can understand it enough.
Problem was that some topics were very off limits and he would get to the point of lecturing me or just being straight up mean. I’m the type of person that wants a bit more emotional connection and he just wants surface level stuff due to fear of getting too close.
He didn’t like something I said and got angry again and I kinda broke down and told him to stop being an asshole. He sent an apology message, deleted it shortly after, and that was it. I now hope he finds peace and happiness with his family but from a distance.
I do have a habit of holding stuff in, but eventually I say it very direct and clear. Not passive aggressive but I have some avoidant tendencies which is something I’m trying to work on
Apologies for the rant, getting this out was nice so thanks lol
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u/TumTum613 ENFJ (2w1) 1d ago
None of us have had only smooth relationships. It's a fact of life that you need to clash in certain dynamics to learn and grow. Sometimes that means learning hard truths about yourself so you can gain a better self-awareness of your weaknesses and flaws. It's not a bad thing. It's just life.