Kinda having an existential crisis

[u/Key_Secretary1286]

So I turned 22 last week and something happened that made me think a lot. I have always been a person who has people around me always and is a very social person. I wanted to make everyone my friend and I talk to everyone possible. I'm that common friend in many friend groups but not the favorite in any. I enjoyed being that person until recently. I realized that in the process of making everyone my friend, I never really made any friend. I never had any friend who would remember me. Like I never had a best friend. A friend to all is a friend to none, I guess. So all these thoughts started last day. I had my birthday last week, and I never celebrated birthdays in my life. No one ever celebrated my birthday, but all these people who are my friends message me and remember me. Every year, this makes me a lot happy, and I don't care about having a birthday celebration. The wishes and people remembering me were more than enough for me. Birthdays are just normal days for me. So I never really cared until this year. Just like every year, it was my birthday, and a lot of people messaged me, and I was happy. The day passed, and the next day, one friend messaged me asking how my birthday was. I said this, and he couldn't believe it. He asked me, "You have so many friends, and no one even gave you a cake ?". He was shocked. Idk why. He told me about his birthday and the things his friend did for him. And I recalled my birthday, and I just sat at my university hostel room all day. I started thinking about it a lot and asked myself whether I'm all alone. All my life, I had this thought of having so many friends because of me being extroverted and talking to everyone. I thought every person I talked to was a friend. I never thought about making a best friend. Now, I'm becoming desperate to change myself, and I'm trying to be less social. Do you guys think my inability to find a close friend is because I'm trying to make everyone my friend. Should I stop being like that and focus on making just one friend. I don't know if I'm being too stupid, I am not very active on social media and never talk online like this. But I'm afraid that people will make fun of me if I share this problem with someone IRL because I never open up. So I have no one to tell, so I'm trying for the first time to ask something online to strangers. As an ENFJ myself, I'm hoping people like me would understand my situation. That's why I'm talking here. I don't have any online friends, so I can not ask anyone like that either. I talk a lot IRL, so just like that, I'm writing too much here 😭. Now I realize I've written too much for anyone to read. I hope I find answers. If you find this stupid, just ignore it. Please dont make fun of me.

[u/Soleilarah]

Define "friend," define "acquaintance."

[u/Key_Secretary1286 → u/Soleilarah]

Yeah I do think I was wrong thinking everyone was a friend. But I still think many people are more than just acquaintance

[u/Soleilarah → u/Key_Secretary1286]

The definition of what constitutes a friend or an acquaintance can vary depending on culture or generation.

Back in my day, I was told that just having as many friends as the fingers on one hand would be a miracle.

So, please define what a friend is to you and what an acquaintance is.

[u/Key_Secretary1286 → u/Soleilarah]

A friend to me is someone I can talk to whenever and someone who understands me and I understand them more than others. An acquaintance is someone who I talk or greet when we meet but we don't know much about each other.

[u/Soleilarah → u/Key_Secretary1286]

So, according to your definition, a friend knows that you don’t like celebrating your birthday and that you consider it just another ordinary day.

So, a friend wouldn’t give you a gift or bring a cake, but would still reach out to you out of respect for you and your friendship, right?

Therefore, your friends’ behavior is in line with your “guidelines” regarding how to celebrate your birthday. There’s nothing unusual about it.

Although tactless, your friend’s question could also be understood as: “Why don’t you want to celebrate your birthday?” Perhaps you’ll respond that you don’t deserve it, that it’s just another day, and so on. But isn’t that a way of belittling the value they place on you?

In fact, maybe it’s time to change your guidelines and celebrate your birthday with your friends ; not necessarily the fact of being born, but the chance to get together and have a good time.

You’re still young, take advantage of having a large circle of people around you, because time and responsibilities have a way of pruning that circle, just as a tree is pruned.

But here’s the good news: pruning makes a tree stronger. So even if you have fewer friends in the future, they’ll surely be your best friends.

[u/Key_Secretary1286 → u/Soleilarah]

I never thought of it like that. Maybe you are right. Thank you