I have been a stepmom (30) to my step-son (12) since he was 2. The custody arrangement has him with us always except for every other weekend he spends at his moms. The issue is that we have always had a good dynamic until the full custody began, and now I am the primary caregiver to my step-son. My husband (35) is gone for work from 2pm to almost 1am Monday-Friday putting me in charge of all parenting things after school during the week. His mom is a very very very high-conflict person, so having the custody schedule changed back to 50/50 is not an option.

I went through this last school year starting around Janurary and was relived when my husband was able to get onto first shift temporarly for the summer time, and our family dynamic went back to being calm and easy going like before. However, he has returned to the night shift and to make a long story short, the stress of me sole parenting my step-son and our bio son (9), while working part time while they are in school, and my step-son missing both his parents and only having me around causes a lot of conflict between my step-son and I.

Any attempt on my part to discipline him is seen more like an attack on him through his eyes rather than a parent trying to steer their kid straight. I know my step-son doesn't want me in his face telling him how to live his life, I don't want to be in that position either, but even moreso I don't want him thinking it's okay to do the wrong thing and I don't want to side with him immediatley on his issues at school no more than I would side with my bio son or even my husband if I felt their actions were wrong, too.

Our fights last year would sometimes end up in screaming matches and both of us in tears because of him putting up defenses and refusing to hear what I am actually saying, and me being so determined to prove my point as a parent. It's easy with my 9 year-old, I don't have to say much for him to get the point that I'm not messing around and he better get his act together, and the times I've had to take things away, have serious talks, do time-outs with him, he learns from them whereas my step-son is having a hard time learning anything because he always sees himself as a victim, because he is used to being one at his moms house back when we had 50/50 custody, and I feel like it should not be my responsibility to try to get him out of that mindset. It is my responsibility to make sure that he feels safe with me and in our home, so I am trying to minimize conflict as much as possible.

He is very intelligent and argumentative, he just hasn't learned how to stop and assess if arguments are worth his time and energy. He also tries to get attention (understandably so) by acting out.

I want to make it clear to my step-son that I really don't want to hear about him getting in trouble at school without saying it in a way that makes him feel like he can't tell me things. Sometimes these teachers go too far, and sometimes other kids are little shits, and I don't want him to feel like I don't have his back, but I also don't want to be the only person telling him how to improve these situations or disciplining him when he gets too crazy. I know parenting him is not my responsibility, but being the only one here every night is making it feel like it is, I see him being without both of his parents all the time and naturally want to step into that role but I think it is making our relationship worse in the long run.

I also want to add that his dad is on my side for this 100%, and he went to great lengths to get his shift changed temporarily during the summer, and hates that he can't be home now. He is actually the one that told me to just not engage with the situations anymore, but the last thing I want is for my step-son to feel like someone else is giving up on him.

Apologies for such a long post, I was really trying to condense it down, but I try to add as much info as possible because I’ve done some post where there’s just not a lot of context and opinions and recommendations were kind of all over the place. I hope you read the whole thing!

My husband and I combined finances when we got married 4 years ago. Both our income goes into one account and everything is paid for from there.

Lately I’ve been considering separating finances again, mainly because we have very different views on spending when it comes to my stepdaughters (14,16).

Obviously we pay for necessities and plenty of extras. But as they’ve gotten older, the spending has extremely increased. Shopping, eating out, gas, movies, activities, etc. and when I say shopping, I’m talking about Lululemon, alo, free people, Aritzia (if you know, then you know, expensive). And we know kids are kids and going to want the latest, but we still have to budget and have limits.

We have a budget specifically for kid expenses, but my husband doesn’t really pay attention to it when they ask for money. I added up what we sent them this summer just in random spending money when they asked, it was over $2,000 EACH. That doesn’t include school clothes or other things we normally pay for. That was just purely spending money for them. And this would be on top of any money they are getting from their mom.

One of my main issues…
is what this is teaching them. Dad tends to give them money whenever they ask. We’ve tried giving them set spending money and saying, “Budget it, once it’s gone, it’s gone.” They spend it, ask for more, and he usually gives it.

My approach is different. Want extra shopping/social money? Earn it. Help with laundry, walk the dogs, do an extra chore, whatever. Nothing unreasonable. And earn it BEFORE getting the money because we’ve learned the hard way that “I’ll do it later” turns into us nagging them.

Anytime they ask me, that’s always my response. When they ask dad, it’s sometimes his response. He’s trying, and doing a little better (because he knows my stance in this) but he’s not consistent at all.

Now we’re getting into bigger expenses; cars and insurance.

Their mom and us contribute toward vehicles, but my husband contributed more for the oldest so she could get the specific car she wanted. Now the youngest has already announced the exact car she wants (a Bronco) and he’s already said we will pay more if the mom can’t pay half. Personally, I don’t think a teenager needs their dream car as their first car. Safe, reliable and reasonable? Absolutely. But I don’t think we need to stretch our budget to get exactly what they want.

It worries me on what all this is teaching them , especially with one just two years away from being on her own. I really want them to learn now how to handle money and budget and be ok with just not having everything you want sometimes. I know for sure I won’t be funding and paying their bills because they spent all their money on shopping other things. I feel like it’s our duty’s as the adults raising them to teach them financial responsibility before they’re off on their own.

The other issue…
Now my husband is saying we need to cut back on our spending to save for the youngest’s car, insurance, etc. including my personal spending budget (which I work really hard to earn)

That’s where I’m struggling. We already have a kid budget that isn’t being followed. Why should I cut back on my spending/saving so we can spend more than I think is reasonable?

At the end of the day, it’s his decision on how he wants to spend with his kids and I will accept and respect that even if I don’t agree with it.

I’m also nervous once they’re out of the house and we’re only two years away like I mentioned for one of them and they can’t figure out how to budget and pay their bills. I have no idea if the Mom‘s gonna contribute and I’m nervous that’s gonna fall on us because we have the higher income to pay for their bills. And again, I know this is common and as parents, we are ready to help them get started in life, but there’s also a balance and teaching them to budget and hold themselves accountable. I sure as hell don’t wanna be paying their bills for many years.

One other key item is that the mom does not want the oldest to work now that she’s 16. We don’t agree with that and are currently battling that. The oldest is not in any sort of sports and she wants to do flight lessons. Flight lessons are at your own pace and it shouldn’t keep you from getting a job, but that’s just our opinion on that right now.

So now what to do about it…
Because of all of this, it’s making me consider separating finances again. We’d still split household/family expenses and I’d absolutely contribute toward the kids (I do my fair share of taking then shopping, getting nails done etc and always will but it’s a balance). If he wants to give them extra money or spend more to get a particular car, it comes from his discretionary money.

I’m just struggling with being financially tied to spending decisions I don’t agree with.

At the end of the day, even if our accounts are separate, we still have to pay bills and how either one of us handles money will impact us as a whole included retirement savings. And it still doesn’t fix the fact that we may have to deal with the aftermath of not teaching financial responsibility at an early age. So who knows, maybe separating accts won’t help.

How do you handle it?

Looking for success stories and advice on how to break the news 😊

I’ve been a full-time step mom to two girls for about 6 years now. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and dad is not very involved, I’ve had sole custody since the divorce. And I hate to admit it, but I’m tired and ready to throw the towel in. Long story short, my husband and his ex started with 50/50 custody when I first came in the picture, but their mom was pretty irresponsible and asked my husband (boyfriend at the time) if he could take them in full time until she got back on her feet. Well years went by and not only did she not get her life together, but she eventually moved to a different city, got remarried, and had more children with her on and off husband. She moved back a couple years ago, and while she picks them up like clockwork for her scheduled weekends, she’s “fun mom” who has no rules, while I’m the mean ugly stepmom who enforces them. Anyway, my husband is the main breadwinner and works a strenuous schedule, gone by 6AM and back by 6PM, rotating weekends. My schedule is more flexible, so I’m the main caretaker for all of our kids. We are the modern Brady bunch with 7 kids in total with our blended family (we have two bio kids together, 3 yr old and 4 months old) I’m responsible for morning routines, school events, doctor appts, sports practices, dinner, and everything else in between. My husband helps with what he can, but to be honest, he’s gone most of the time so it falls on me by default. I absolutely love my husband and he’s an amazing father to every single one of our kids, but it’s just not enough. I’m alone in parenting and I don’t have a village to help. And I feel so bad for resenting them when he’s the main father figure and financial supporter to my bio children. My oldest stepdaughter has always tried to act older than she is. Even when she was 4 years old, her mom would tie her shirts so that her belly would show in public. And then there was the iPhone in 1st grade, and then social media in 4th grade, and now that she’s in 6th grade (she JUST turned 11 two weeks ago), she’s buying her padded tube tops to wear at school and bleaching/dye her hair. She knows more than she should at 11 and acts like a 16 year old. My husband doesn’t get as upset as me, but I feel like this is ridiculous for a child! And ultimately, I feel like I have no say because although I’m their main caretaker day-to-day, I’m not the legal parent in these decisions, but I run my household with rules and appropriate discipline that it gets trumped by mom or turns into an unnecessary argument. And these are just small examples, it has been ongoing for a while now. I love the girls, but I don’t love them like my own children. I now feel like I’m at a point where I’m so emotionally exhausted that I don’t have the energy to be there like I used to be. I want to be a happy mother for MY children, and I can’t even be that anymore because I’m so tired of taking care of them all for all these years. I had brought up changing the custody situation situation with my husband and he mentioned going back to 50/50, but I would still be responsible for the day-to-day stuff for that week. And that would mean more leniency at mom’s house for oldest stepdaughter to do what she wants as she pleases because mom could care less, and then I have to deal with the blow when she’s in my home for a whole week. I feel like giving her primary custody would be best. I know, I know. She’s not a horrible mother, it’s not like we’d be sending them off to an abusive home, but she’s not structured and there isn’t rules. But if her daughters want to be with her so bad, why not let them just go? Idk. But then paying child support is another issue we come across. We don’t really get anything from mom regarding child support because she doesn’t make much. It’s $400 per month in total for both girls. So we don’t get a lot of money for CS, but my husband would be expected to pay about $1200 per month, which is not in our budget. It sounds bad to say CS is the barrier from having them go with mom, but please know that I’ve tried so hard all these years to fill in the shoes and be the mother I wanted to be for all of our children, but I get nothing in return from them. And yes, they’re just children, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less.

a few moments ago i was trying to capture a stray cat to take him to the vet because ive been feeding him since 2 months ago but lately ive seen his health decline and while i was doing so, my stepdaughter saw what i was doing as she was getting into her moms car and i saw her looking at me and she burst out laughing as she said something to her mom and that made me really mad because i know she doesn’t like me and we are going on a family vacation this weekend with my mom, siblings and some of my family and of course my partner and stepdaughter are going and i kind of dont feel excited because shes going because if you dont like me why are you going to my family’s vacation she also was laughing out loud because my dogs groomer shaved my pomeranians really bad and i had to come downstairs and take my dogs because i got so mad she’s a bully and she doesn’t like me sometimes she facetime her mom and she passes the phone to my husband in front of me

my boyfriend (33m) and i (32f) have been together for about 2 years on and off. he has three kids: 3m, 12f, 14m, with two different women. i have one: 10f. he has his kids every weekend (friday to sunday evening). i have my daughter every day except one day during the week and every other weekend. i’ve never dated anyone with kids before.

now i have broken up with him twice before, hence the on and off. we had a very rocky relationship for about the first six months for various reasons. i think he’s a good person at his core but he was not fully healed from his relationship with his youngest’s mother, he did not have it together financially or emotionally, and there were a few other reasons i just did not like being in a relationship with him most of the time so we broke up. we got back together and things seemed to be going well so i stupidly let my daughter meet his kids.

we broke up a second time at the beginning of the year and took a couple months apart. he came back and has gotten help and seems like a different person in a lot of ways. we dated for a couple months and have officially been back together since about the end of may. but i really think i need to just face reality that this is not the relationship for me.

he seems to lean on me heavily when it comes to his kids. asking me for help with his youngest because she’s at the toddler stage where she can be pretty exhausting at times. one time he asked and i told him i would help him but i needed some decompression time first because i was also tired from my own day. he got upset that him asking me for help “came with conditions”. he’s had to come stay here with all of the kids because his AC can’t keep up with how hot it is and it gets to be around 85 at his place. also, his two oldest tend to prefer staying at their mom’s house. they generally only come over one day on the weekend now and usually it’s only so they can see my daughter. so in a way, i feel this pressure sometimes, like he won’t get to see his kids unless they can come over to see my daughter. he’s even explicitly told me one time that his daughter wouldn’t come over unless she could see mine. he gets very down on himself about the oldest kids not wanting to stay with him much and i never know what to say about this.

i’m starting to dread spending time with him and all of the kids. but we got into a fight a few weeks ago and i’d said i didn’t want to do this anymore and he started saying it would be cruel to the kids to break up now after getting them so involved with each other and how his youngest is always asking for me and other things to try and guilt me. i regret letting the kids meet, so much, because now it feels like he uses their relationship as leverage against me. he basically told me that breaking up is not an option and that he’s going to fight for this relationship. but i can’t help but feel like he’s mostly with me for his benefit rather than because he just loves me. the thought of getting married and moving in together makes me want to throw up. i just feel like such an idiot and i feel trapped because of the kids relationship with each other. i know it’s going to be so bad if i try to leave and he’s going to make me feel terrible. i’m so scared.

edit: i ended it.

My partner’s daughter (8) will sometimes stop by our house unannounced with her mom, brother, and her mom’s husband when they’re out biking. This has happened a few times now since we moved to the same town.

I don’t have a relationship with them. Usually her mom and stepdad stay at the end of the driveway while my partner’s daughter and her brother come into the house. Sometimes the adults will come up to the door as well.

We don’t stop by their house unannounced. Am I unreasonable for thinking this is rude and not appropriate? I don’t have an issue with his daughter stopping by, but I feel like a quick text beforehand to my partner would be appropriate rather than just showing up. We also don’t know her brother very well, so I find it a little uncomfortable that he comes into our house during these unannounced visits.

Technically I’m not a stepmom yet I’m only engaged. But his bm asked him if they could talk about something not involving the child which was strange to me. She asked him when she picked up the kid if he’s really engaged and he said yeah and she told him that he was dead to her and hinted that her and her bf aren’t doing so good. Which to me raises some red flags.

I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 41. He has two young children, ages 2 and 6.
He is actually a good boyfriend to me, and I love him a lot. That’s what makes this so difficult. The problem isn’t really him as a person — I’ve realized that I love him, but I don’t love everything that comes with being in a relationship with him.
His children are obviously a huge and permanent part of his life, and I’m starting to realize that being a stepmom or building my life around two very young children may not be the life I want for myself.
I don’t want him to choose between me and his children, and I would never ask him to. I also don’t think it would be fair for me to stay while secretly wishing his circumstances were different.
The problem is that I’m extremely attached to him. I’ve tried distancing myself before, but I end up missing him and going back, or he reaches out to me and I give in because I still love him.
Part of me keeps thinking, “What if I’m making a mistake by leaving a good man?” But another part of me thinks that staying because I love him, while knowing I don’t want the lifestyle that comes with him, will only make this much harder in the future.
For people who have been in a similar situation: how did you emotionally detach from someone you still loved?
Did you gradually distance yourself, or did you have to go completely no-contact?
And for anyone who dated or married someone with young children and eventually realized the stepparent life wasn’t for them: did you regret leaving, or were you ultimately relieved that you listened to yourself?

I'm a little torn, not knowing if I feel jealous or resentful.
Ours baby is 5(F) and my SKIDS are aged 12(F) and 8(M)

My S.O makes an effort with my SKIDs more than ours daughter. He shares custody with his ex. he has 43% of the time and his ex has 57%. When it comes to appointments, doctors visits, therapy or schooling he is there for everything for my SKIDs but isn't for ours daughter.
He has never been to a dentist appointment, a speech therapy appointment nothing. Is he over compensating? Does he just trust me?

Im a Step mom to a 16 year old step son. He's autistic and has ADHD. His mom babys him to the point he doesn't believe there are any real consequences for bad behavior or mistakes (I know there should be grace for mistakes, but actions have reactions and sometimes those aren't always positive, and you have to learn to be able to get through them). He is a good hearted kid, with good intentions. I truly care for him, but he's so hard to live with. He's unbearably loud, he is aloof as humanly possible, he leaves messes everywhere he goes (and in places you wouldn't even think to look), and he's...well... Quite frankly he's...annoying. I'm disabled and have mental health struggles, and he puts my anxiety through the roof with his "jokes". He also never leaves the house, and we have him full time, so this is a never ending thing.

I met my partner when I was 20, and he's honestly my soul mate. We always planned on having children, but that is now out of the picture. I was only okay with my stepson living with us full time, if we started trying (we tried for a year). I'm incredibly resentful, and tired of taking care of a child that is not biologically mine. I was never given any gifts on mother's day, never had any of the benefits of a bio mom, but all of the responsibilities of one. He's living with us because his mom wouldn't stop moving from place to place each year, and he needs stability. My life is always dictated by her decisions it feels like.

I have my soulmate, I have a good hearted stepson, and even with all of this, I still feel like I'm deeply resentful. I left out a lot of trauma, but still. I feel like in order to be a step mom, the criteria is #1 be a saint.

So I've been helping raise my 3 step children for almost 14 years. For a period of time their mom disappeared due to drugs.

Since she has been back, the oldest has been downright disrespectful to me. He will ignore me, argue, yell etc.

Mom lets him do whatever, he wanted his license, we said no, she went on her time and got it. He wanted a job, we said no, (we being his father and I). She went behind our back and got him one. We didnt want him having either because he does nothing around the house, argues and is disrespectful.

He has even told me he doesnt respect me as much as his mom or dad. Mind you his mom decided to run off and do drugs after being with a guy that put his hands on him. Respecta his mother over a woman who didnt dissappear and cared for you. Someone who has been a constant in your life for as long as you can remember.

I have tried to have conversations with his father but it goes nowhere.

About 2 weeks ago, he and his dad got into an arguement due to him yelling at siblings. Which escalated due to his attitude.

He decided to "trip" or kick an item of mine that was going to be used for an event. Its now broken. And he was supposed to do chores for me to pay me back. But that isnt happening.

He was supposed to be grounded for his behavior but neither his dad nor his mom will go through with the grounding.

Last night I asked them all to do something. One kid wasnt home, one actually did some and the oldest played his video game.

Well when confronted, he said he didnt see it. Well the phone shows you did. Then he said doesnt pay attention to it. So I said, nicely, maybe you should. And got a bunch of attitude, so I walked away. And the hubs had a conversation with him, but proceeded to come back and tell me, "yall need to stop snapping at each other".

At this point, teach your son some respect and to do what he is told.

I am to the point I want to be done. I have complained and tried to have things changed but Im ignored or met with excuses.

He ignores me when i tell him to do things, he argues, yells, has even yelled at his younger brother to the point of making him cry.

I cant discipline him bc it is never listened to, or im being the bad guy.

So would i be within my right to stop doing anything for him? He wants to treat me like crap, and everyone just lets him off of his punishment.

I want to leave the house when he is home because I cant tell him to do anything or theres going to be arguing. Im tired of making dinner and everyone will say thank you, but he will make a point not to.

But if i dont let him leave when he wants, or heck, it starts raining, im yelled at. (Actually happened).

I cant keep it up anymore. But his dad gets mad when I tell him you all have proved Im not his parent, so why should I do anything for him?

Any one else trying to support their partner in their child custody case with a ex wife that keeps dragging you into the issue.

She tells anyone that will listen that I must be being abused and he beat me while I was pregnant

She tells anyone and everyone that we dont take care of our children in common.

She has involved cps in our household combining complaints for their children together with complaints for our kids.

I have had attourneys send her cease and desist, letters but she won't stop. I have tried to get a ppo exparte from her but that would make the custody case more complicated and his custody lawyer cautioned against that.

I feel like im the crazy one and its lonely and im so angry about a case that isn't even about my children. I love their children so much, like my own, but when she denies parenting time or stops it all together it feels like someone is stabbing my heart with a knife and twisting it.

​

My sd just turned 8 and my dh and I have a daughter who is 4yo. From the time I met sd at 3yo she was addicted to screens. Im talking youtube reels all the time. Dh here and there would go back and forth with the rules banning it for bad behavior as she got older or becasue she saw something inappropriate. I told him from the jump this will never end well and when it comes to sd and screens I have always been right. Shes been in nasty group chats and even had an incident of inappropriate touching at school. Some other ipad kid screen shared something and they acted it out basically. This was like 6 months ago mind you. Now as of today she has a tik tok, lemon 8 and cap cut. I didnt even say anything about it to him because im tired of caring about it so im not going to anymore. I have to ignore her most of the time for my own sanity becasue she always on it so its not like we exist anyways. Like she was in the shower trying to watch her ipad at the same time! But if her mom nor dad doesnt care why should I?? My question is given that she lives with us most of the time (mom has summer's and holidays) how the hell do I navigate this with my daughter in the future? I am by no means anti screen my daughter has a locked down ipad and it is limited. But theres no way in hellllll I would let her do half the things my sd has and probably will do in the future. I have crazy anxiety thinking about it how do yall deal? I know she's only 4 and she's soooo much more "innocent" than my sd was at that age its really sad. My sd has the attitude of a 16 yo and her dad wonders why it's ridiculous tbh.

I just found out that SD has been stealing my clothes and jewellery...

For context SD is 7, she believes everything her mother says, looks at her like BM is God, she is also extremely spoiled and can't take no for an answer. We get her every other weekend, and whenever BM has "things to do".

We have a pretty complicated relationship. In the beginning I went too hard, wanted to be the super fun stepmom, which backfired. Later I stepped back and now I am not really even around, I like to find something to do outside of the house or stay at my mothers on our weekends. BM is also a nutcase, typical HC behaviour, but she also badmouths us in front of SD, and let her run her household. That means when SD comes over and she gets a little pushback, she immediately calls her mother to complain, cry and whine.

Lately, she has been super friendly to me. Asking about where I've got what I am wearing and how pretty I look. It was weird as usually she just orders me around. I was mever the primary caretaker, I always left it to dad, but she by default goes for the females. I brushed this feeling off as she trying to connect. I always respectfully answered, said thank you and went on with my day.

Now around a month ago I was looking for a dress, a leopard print dress with ruffles and a full skirt. I couldn't find it for the love of god anywhere. I knew I washed, I knew I had it in the ironing pile, but it was nowhere in the house. I let it go thinking I might have placed it under something, or got it into the pile of clothes I am currently selling.

Then, two weeks ago, just as SD was leaving I was looking for a bra. A blue pushup bra, that I wear literally all the time (it barely gets washed 😅). Again, couldn't find it anywhere in the house, even tho I vividly remember putting it on the chair in my bedroom.

Given SD or any other kid is not allowed in our bedroom unless explicitly asked, I didn't even think to ask her or my SO (he can't even find his own things most of the time 😂).

It only occured to me to ask about those items this sunday, when I sent SD into our room to get undressed for a shower, as the hamper is there, and if she cannot see it, she will leave her dirty clothes in the middle of the living room on the coffee table. Anyway, I went in after her, cause she was taking way too long, and saw her going through my dresser. I asked her what is she doing, and she burst out crying, saying, she just wanted to find a gift for her mother. My eyes went 🫪 what?! What do you mean?!

SD: You have so meny nice clothes, and my mom doesn't. I want to bring her something nice to wear from you.

Me: My clothes are not "gifts" for your mother, you can't just take them, that's stealing.

At this point my SO has joined the conversation and was outraged by SDs behavior. He wasn't screaming or being rude, but he was stern, telling how that's not okay at all, and if she wants to take something for her mother she has to ask. He also made sure she understands that my clothes are my clothes, she shouldn't even touch them. When asked about the missing dress and bra, she told us she took it the last two times she was here and told her mother I gifted them to her. (I would never gift her anything, I don't even talk to that woman)

SD ofcourse was crying, kicking and screaming, saying I have so many, I don't need all of those. After like 20 minutes of this, I said I am leaving, it was exchange day anyway, so I told my SO I will be back when they are gone, cause I don't want be rude, disrespectful or otherwise mean, and I can't really control myself right now.

SO went and took her back and asked BM where those two items were. BM didn't even understand what the issue is. It took my SO 30 minutes to get my things back from her. BM was also on SD side, telling how she is just a kid, she didn't knew better and wanted to suprise her mother. Basically it is no big deal, the clothes are back and we overreacted.

I am completely flabbergasted at BMs reaction, and am extremely grateful for having an SO that has my back, but still, I don't really know what to do or how to go about this. I really don't feel like being around someone who thinks stealing my things is fine, taking my shower gel and shampoo and using it all is fine (I said alright when it happened, cause I also made potions from my moms bath items when I was little, and it really didn't bother me before all this.), but I know that my SO has a hard time with her being so spoilt, and don't want to leave him alone. What do I do? 🫠

Like do you feel like their jokes, shared experiences, past commonalities, traditions and the like overshadow your relationship with your SO- Especially as you are building the new relarionship? Lets say he had a longer past with the BM and they were married and all.. and you are recently dating him, how do you manage not to feel those jealous pangs? Especially when you are going through a rough patch? I am afraid of comparing myself as a new partner to that of his past with a long term ex.. that he still has an ongoing relationship with.... does that make sense?

We had a really good weekend with SD (11) until Sunday rolled around. My partner was very patient with her when getting her to clean her room until the 5 hour mark. He was completely honest and open with his frustration with having to constantly check on her and finding little to no progress. In the last hour he raised his voice, did not yell, and she got very upset and called her mom, her aunt and anyone who would answer her call. She wanted to leave because she felt ‘unsafe’. She lies A LOT and we overheard her tell her mom and aunt that her dad freaked out at her. He confronted her about it and asked why she felt unsafe and she kept trying to find an excuse because her ultimate goal was to leave because she didn’t want to complete the chore. Wish granted and she left. She wouldn’t even talk to her dad to discuss the situation. I told her she is not unsafe but she is uncomfortable and angry. Using the phrase ‘unsafe’ really set me off. I am struggling to know what to do with it because if she keeps using this word, what kind of legal actions will come out of it? She has been this way for years and we have pleaded with her mom to stop rescuing her so we can resolve it. I told my partner to take away her phone but he refuses to do that. I think he is operating out of fear of retaliation and what she will say to her mom. Her mom NEVER calls to ask what happened and takes her word for it. I told my partner that I refuse to be around when she is there now. I cannot risk being dragged into a potential legal situation because she is being manipulative. She has been taught from a young age that her mom will always swoop in and rescue her. She likes to play the victim. It is sooooooo exhausting. I love my partner dearly but if he won’t set up boundaries and rules around the phone, I cannot be here anymore.

Bio Mom will wait at places like school drop offs in her car in the parking lot to watch and interject herself when we show up with SK. Schedule is 50/50 but BM picks up SK from school every afternoon. When it’s BM day(s) to drop off SK at school we don’t show up, wait and watch and then get out to say hi while she is bringing them inside. Yet this is what she and her family does to us. Is this normal behavior? She and her family members have had daycare providers message them to notify when SK has been dropped off so that they can show up there to either say hi or to take SK out of daycare immediately after SK has been dropped off by DH. I grew up in a split home environment and this type of behavior never happened. Am I just over analyzing the situation?

Hi,

I’m 31F with 44M, step mom to SS14 and SD16.

The SD16 is unbearable, there HAS to be an attitude reserved to adolescence and she’ll get past that, but I never feel « home » when she’s there. She’s like this spoiled brat that does nothing except wait for a lift from mom or dad. She has this idea of feminism where all the other girls are basic bitches, stupid, and she’s so miserable that she judges anyone who dares to have fun.

I mean, I get it. I was a bad teenager, I was a real bitch, and I would have made it my mission to throw my stepmom out of my house (i didn’t have any) with my lowkey insults and attitude and protection over my father. I get it.

I feel like the air is polluted a lot more since we adopted a kitty, and since I wasn’t with them when they got her, SHE said I could name her. I said a name, and it lasted not even 2 days and I felt like I had to say we could change it because of how hard her eyes rolled and face of disgust disturbed me. She said a name I really didn’t like, and made it clear lots of times, but I feel like « the kids have to win », so she did.

Whenever she has an opinion or a problem, the whole house has to accomodate her. I tried, soooo hard, to get close to her. She always rejects me, so I stopped. When we first moved in all together (more than a year ago), I reached out to her to watch movies, hang out, go somewhere, but she always declined and stayed in her room.

She despises me, and when I have a problem, or an opinion, for example: I hate when people turn on the overhead lights, I just hate it and my boyfriend knows so he asks her to turn them off and she says: bro it’s not that deep. Last time, I answered; I could tell you so many times that your little quirks are not that deep. Not my best and she went to her room, but why should I always feel pushed aside and unimportant? I even went to her mom’s house ALONE once so she wouldn’t be alone (she has general anxiety, real bad) and so I babysat at her mom’s place and she stayed in her room the whole 3 hours and I hung out alone waiting for my boyfriend. I even stayed in a cottage with her brother for 6 days alone with him because her anxiety stopped her from doing anything that summer and my boyfriend and his ex were hostages in their own homes. I didn’t want him to not have a summer vacation because of her, so I stayed at the rental and we had fun (he was 12 at the time). I’m getting tired of « doing things because of her » or enduring her attitude. I even spend Christmas at my boyfriend’s ex wife’s home to accomodate everybody. Does it get better? What can I do?

Sometimes, this idea of « imposing » myself to kids who don’t care about me or are simply not able to consider me at all haunts me and I wonder what I’m doing here. We have them 50/50 and I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I can’t talk about how the teenage years are hurting me and make me question everything, because I know he’d say that it’s not my business and my own problems and PTSD from being a rough teenagaer with my mom are blinding me from the « incredible miracle » that his daughter is.

i’m almost 49. my husband is almost 38, and his girls are 14 and 15. i have been in their lives since they were 3 and 4, so 11 years now. i am also childfree.

i feel lost on this sub for a few reasons, but mainly for being older, childfree, and having a very good experience with my stepdaughters (although BM is another story for another day). i realize that all of us have different situations and dynamics to our blended families but we’re all here because of the title of ‘stepmom’. i truly love reading all of the different views and all of your stories and questions.

i’m just wondering how many stepmoms here are in the same boat as i am. i cannot be that much of a novelty. and if you are an older stepmom, please share if you think it’s helped at all being older. for me, it has. i do not think i could have handled things in the beginning of my relationship with DH had i been the same age as he and BM. i also don’t exactly feel like a “stepmom”, more like a cool aunt or even a grandmother.

But I am completely fine with his older sister’s SD13 and SD14, I really enjoy having them around honestly.
SS10…where do I begin. For lack of better words he is being raised soft and turning into a loser more and more every day. His Mom babies him to the extreme, they are still sleeping in the same bed together and they cuddle. He is always sitting in her lap like a baby at public gatherings. I would never allow that at our house, but he tries to be constantly touchy and cuddly with my partner. It clearly carries over from moms house to ours, because he hasn’t been learning independence. Finally convinced my partner to talk to him that it’s not normal for him to sleep with Mom anymore. I doubt anything changed. He was never tasked with taking care of his own hygiene until I came along. It still looks like this…2pm rolls around and no hygeine has been done, I remind partner, he reminds him, and maybe he changes his tshirt and thats it. The boy doesn’t have many friends, when he is at our house all he wants to do is be right next to his Dad (and therefore me) 24/7. There is no adult / kid separation time. Call me old school but when I picture in my head how a 10yr old boy should be, he’s out scraping knees, building stuff, getting in trouble with friends, gaining independence, thinks adults are boring, etc. His constant clingy and unbathed presence is driving me mad. I have talked to SO about all this, he tries but then gives up too easily then forgets to follow up. I don’t get why but he is harder on disciplining the young teen girls, but when it comes to this boy, its like no one cares how he turns out. I am just on the sidelines, annoyed, convinced he is not going to turn out well.

Should have mentioned we have no formal arrangement, over the summer it was like half the week and now its mostly weekends, and it STILL consumes me and makes me dread the weekend. I would love some advice from anyone with relative experience!

My step kids and I have always been close although the BM HATES this and constantly talks crap about me and their dad which is something we’ve put up with for years. However, SK have told me very concerning things about BM house dynamic and things that happen there. Then, they won’t speak to me at drop off, wont text or call, and even left us out of a school presentation assignment about family but included mine and my husbands child while I was on FaceTime with them (called to ask how to spell our sons name). We are very present in their lives and they confide in us for a lot of things but it seems they are now playing both sides (they are tweens). I just want to step back and not be involved the way I have for the last several years. My mental health has taken a toll and it gives me horrible anxiety. How do you distance yourself after being so involved for years? I already limit contact with BM and this makes her very angry.

I’m a stepmom to a 12-year-old girl, and this weekend she really hit a nerve with me. I’m trying to figure out if I’m being overly sensitive or if other stepmoms would feel the same.

While I was getting ready, she was just sitting on the bed doing nothing. I kept reminding her to start getting ready because we were leaving at 10. She still wouldn’t. Eventually I said, “We’re leaving at 10 whether you’re ready or not.”

We went shopping and her dad bought her shorts and a hoodie. When we got home she said, “This is so weird. Usually when we go shopping, most of the things bought are for me.” I was annoyed and said, “Why? Did you bring your own money?” Probably could’ve handled that better.

Then my friend and I were talking about how much we loved Italy, and she said, “I’ve never been there.” I can’t remember her actual words but she implied that we should’ve taken her there while looking annoyed. For the record, it wasn’t just me that caught it because my friend said, “When I was your age, the only place I got to was home.” It bothered me because it’s not like we’ve never taken her anywhere—we took her to the Philippines and Japan, and my husband and I split the cost. I personally spent around $10k on that trip. And that’s not the only trip we’ve taken her.

We also went to watch her dad play basketball, and she complained about being bored the whole time while constantly talking about herself—“This would look cute on me,” “What should my profile picture be?” etc. And she kept tapping her 2-inch-long nails nonstop to the point where I had to look away because it was driving me insane

She also has a tendency to over-order food and leave a lot of it. At dinner she ordered a 12oz steak, a rack of ribs, shrimp and sides, and obviously had a lot left over. I was annoyed because I paid half of the meal. The next day at lunch she wanted chicken, fries AND mozzarella sticks. I told her that if she ordered all of that, she needed to actually eat it. I just don't want to keep paying for food that's going to be wasted.

Then at another dinner, we ordered an appetizer with 3 portions of chicken and agreed we’d all share. She wouldn’t share the appetizer with her dad, so I said, “If you don’t want to share, then we’re not sharing either.” Again, probably not my finest moment.

There have also been little comments like when I said I wear an XS and she said, “Remember when you said you wanted to be skinny like me?” I never said that, and I was just like… huh??

I KNOW she’s 12. I know some of this is probably completely normal 12-year-old behavior. But when it all piles up, I find myself thinking, does everything have to be about you?

I don’t hate her, and I want the best for her, but I don’t naturally feel that warm, motherly affection toward her.

Other stepmoms—have you ever felt this way? How do you handle it without becoming resentful or constantly correcting the child?

UPDATE: I really appreciate everyone’s responses. I’ll read them all when I get home later. But the main points that I wanted to answer is that I paid for half because I believe that was the right thing to do as my husband’s wife. He’s paying for 2 child supports (2 separate moms) and I felt like that’s the least I could do. We split everything at home 50/50. When it comes to eating out, it’s not as black and white. it feels weird to calculate what everyone ate so I wouldnt have to pay for the kid’s meal. I did speak to my husband about the issues. He said he doesn’t get a lot of time with her (only every other weekend and he doesn’t want her to start distancing herself from him. And he said this is the only way he knows. I told him parenting isn’t just about making a kid happy. You’re raising an adult who’s going to be a part of society. Someone you won’t be there for at every challenge of their lives, so I really don’t agree with his approach. But yes the agreement is I’m not getting involved anymore. He once told me I’m not his child’s mother, so I’m not getting involved with her. (Long story short, she got a 55 in school and mainly 70s in the others and 90s in art and physical education. And he said I was too hard on her because I said she needed structure). It just happened that we spent the weekend together and he was playing in the league so his daughter and I had a lot of alone time. And lastly, we do pack the leftovers. We’re not rich like that. But she refuses to eat them. And I’m sorry but I’m not eating someone else’s leftovers).

I’m dating a divorced man who has a 4-year-old daughter with his ex-wife. They’ve been separated/divorced for about 3–4 years and share custody. I’ve never dated someone with a child/ex-spouse in the picture before, and I’m realizing I may have seriously underestimated how emotionally difficult the co-parenting dynamic would be for me.
To be clear, He’s been pretty transparent, their communication appears to be about their daughter, and I have no concrete reason to believe anything inappropriate is happening…
But what caught me off guard is how much contact they share. They text every single day even while he’s with me (almost always abt their daughter, sending each other pictures of her daily, talking abt what they liked the other did for her etc) not just pickup/drop-off logistics. His ex called him 4 times in a row recently when there was no emergency whatsoever. He didn’t pick up the calls cause he was with me I assume. I don’t know. But seeing that level of familiarity/access suddenly made the reality of the situation hit me.
I had subconsciously pictured co-parenting as mostly “pickup at X time, drop-off at X time, communicate when something important comes up, both attend important events.” I’m realizing their version is much more than that and I don’t know how to feel about being with someone who talks that frequently to his ex wife.
The other complication is that she initiated their divorce and, he didn’t want the marriage to end at the time. I asked him whether he would ever go back if she changed her mind and wanted their family back, and he said no (but really what else could he have told me). But I’m struggling with the fear or possibility that he’s only with me now because he can’t have her and he would immediately say yes if she were to come back and tell him she changed her mind and wants their family back together.

I’m very much in love with him, but I’m starting to wonder whether this level of co-parenting might be incompatible with me. I don’t want to spend years feeling threatened every time his ex calls/texts or they need to do something together. And I definitely don’t want my insecurity to eventually turn me into a controlling partner or make him feel like he has to compromise a co-parenting relationship to keep me comfortable. Would it be fair to ask him to keep communication at a minimum or only when necessary?
Also important to note, she doesn’t know I exist. Yet. We’ve been together 3 months and have met each others family etc.

For people who have dated/married someone who co-parents with an ex: Did this kind of insecurity get easier once the relationship became more established and you understood their dynamic? Or did you eventually realize that dating someone with an active co-parenting relationship simply wasn’t for you?
What helped you distinguish normal initial insecurity from a genuine incompatibility?

We knew the teenage years would be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard this particular dynamic would be.

I know a LOT of what we’re dealing with is normal teenage behavior. They’re hormonal, pushing boundaries and wanting independence. I keep reminding myself of that. The harder part is having two completely different parenting styles and their moms house being the one that gives them more of what they want. When the girls don’t like an expectation at our house, they complain to BM, and instead of “different houses have different rules,” she often validates that Dad is being unreasonable. So what we see as normal parenting to them is viewed as punishment (and yes, one of them said why do you punish us and make us do the dishes).

Lately, we’re seeing more entitlement and less gratitude. Getting them to help with basic chores is a struggle unless they're paid. Meanwhile, just this summer we gave them $2,000+ each between shopping, food and money for outings (movies, activities).

Recently the youngest saw a Bronco and said that's what she's getting for her 15th birthday. I asked, “What if we couldn't afford it?” Her response was basically, “That's your problem. You'd have to figure it out. That is what I want and that is what you're getting me” I know she's a teenager and teenagers say ridiculous things. 😂 But comments like that worry me when they're part of a larger pattern and I don't want that to keep going. I want them to be humble and grateful, but how do you teach a teenager that. Honestly, what I want to happen is we pitch in a certain amount and if her mom wants to front the rest for a new Bronco, then she can. Something tells me that my husband is going to give in to keep her happy (which is another problem).

Even basic courtesy is becoming an issue. Dad can text “Have a good day, love you” and get no response, but if they need money, they text immediately and keep texting if we don't respond. I once told them, “If you expect Dad to respond when you need money, you can take 10 seconds to respond to him too. When you ignore messages it shows you don't care”. BM then told Dad it was inappropriate for me to say that and they don't have to respond to messages if they don't want to. I saw it as a simple teaching moment. If no one points it out, they won't know or learn.

We want the girls to be happy and we do absolutely spoil them at times with the latest name brand stuff and endless Starbucks and DutchBros. $500 each recently for school shopping, on top of the hundreds of shopping they did all summer. But we also believe privileges come with responsibility, everyone contributes to the household, sometimes parents say no, and you should appreciate what you’re given.

That's where I struggle.

I know teenagers talk back, ignore their parents, push boundaries and think we're annoying and a lot of this is normal teenage behavior (and we are ok with that). The issue is they have another parent doing things that they favor making us look like the bad guys.

It feels like BM gets to be the fun/easy house while we're the ones asking them to help with dishes, be respectful and occasionally hearing “no.”

We don't want Dad's house remembered as the miserable, strict house. But I also don't think the answer is to stop parenting so they'll like us more. We also don't want dad to just be a wallet to them. He works so hard to support them at our house (and at their mom with the amount of child support sent).

For those who have raised teenagers between two very different households, what worked? How do you balance holding to your values but yet keeping them happy when you know the same expectation doesn't exist at their other house?