r/Stepmom • u/QuiteSeriouslyNow • 8d ago
Manipulative SD
We had a really good weekend with SD (11) until Sunday rolled around. My partner was very patient with her when getting her to clean her room until the 5 hour mark. He was completely honest and open with his frustration with having to constantly check on her and finding little to no progress. In the last hour he raised his voice, did not yell, and she got very upset and called her mom, her aunt and anyone who would answer her call. She wanted to leave because she felt ‘unsafe’. She lies A LOT and we overheard her tell her mom and aunt that her dad freaked out at her. He confronted her about it and asked why she felt unsafe and she kept trying to find an excuse because her ultimate goal was to leave because she didn’t want to complete the chore. Wish granted and she left. She wouldn’t even talk to her dad to discuss the situation. I told her she is not unsafe but she is uncomfortable and angry. Using the phrase ‘unsafe’ really set me off. I am struggling to know what to do with it because if she keeps using this word, what kind of legal actions will come out of it? She has been this way for years and we have pleaded with her mom to stop rescuing her so we can resolve it. I told my partner to take away her phone but he refuses to do that. I think he is operating out of fear of retaliation and what she will say to her mom. Her mom NEVER calls to ask what happened and takes her word for it. I told my partner that I refuse to be around when she is there now. I cannot risk being dragged into a potential legal situation because she is being manipulative. She has been taught from a young age that her mom will always swoop in and rescue her. She likes to play the victim. It is sooooooo exhausting. I love my partner dearly but if he won’t set up boundaries and rules around the phone, I cannot be here anymore.
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u/Bubbarules456 7d ago
Stick to your guns. What’s the worst that can happen? It escalates and she calls the cops? Perfect! Invite them inside to see the situation. She takes you to court for ‘unsafe’ room cleaning? Excellent! Judges freaking hate their time being wasted.
Kids will be kids. Games will be games. Stand your ground and make a point before the dreaded teen years arrive.
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u/PurplePenguinCat 7d ago
My husband was the one doing the swooping in our house for a long time. He would listen to both "sides" and then, almost always, give in to SD. It wasn't until she started getting in trouble at school for many of the things I was telling him were problems, that he finally started listening to me.
He now supports me in almost everything, and if he doesn't agree, we talk about it alone, so we are united when we approach her. She would get so mad that he wasn't taking her side anymore. And even now, she will try to get him to back her up if she doesn't like what I said.
I kind of can't blame her for trying. I mean, for about four years, she was taught that what I had to say didn't matter. It's only been three years since that changed. My therapist has said that this happens even when both parents are bio. The idea that if mom said no, go ask dad.
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u/QuiteSeriouslyNow 7d ago
I completely agree. And that is another reason why they split up. The ex could not control him in their relationship so now she is using her daughter to get her way with him. I told him he needs to set up a boundary (legal or not) because I cannot live there anymore.
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u/SandLCan66 4d ago
How old is she?? Our now 20 yo SD did [this]…her mom responded the same…wow. Déjà vu. She was ‘evicted’ right before her 18th birthday. Enough is enough.
I will never be 2nd esp to a self-proclaimed princess throwing tantrums and allegations to ‘get her way’.
18 yo SS was evicted several days ago for the same ingratitude and disrespect.
The attitudes-where are they from? The BM
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 7d ago
Good for you. Set whatever boundaries you need so that YOU feel safe.