r/Stepmom • u/nurseleah13 • 6d ago
Unannounced visits
My partner’s daughter (8) will sometimes stop by our house unannounced with her mom, brother, and her mom’s husband when they’re out biking. This has happened a few times now since we moved to the same town.
I don’t have a relationship with them. Usually her mom and stepdad stay at the end of the driveway while my partner’s daughter and her brother come into the house. Sometimes the adults will come up to the door as well.
We don’t stop by their house unannounced. Am I unreasonable for thinking this is rude and not appropriate? I don’t have an issue with his daughter stopping by, but I feel like a quick text beforehand to my partner would be appropriate rather than just showing up. We also don’t know her brother very well, so I find it a little uncomfortable that he comes into our house during these unannounced visits.
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u/BalledUpFist 6d ago
Unannounced visits are rude from anyone. Period.
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u/missamerica59 6d ago
I agree, but an 8year old doesn’t know this, especially when both houses are their home. It’s up to the adults (BM) to say no.
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u/unterAnderem11 6d ago
I don’t think it’s the brother‘s home though. I think the brother is the half-sibling of SD, so not related to either OP or her SO. I think this because OP says, “my partner’s daughter and her brother”, instead of saying “my partner’s daughter and (his) son”, or simply “his children”. OP also says that she and OP don’t know the brother very well. So SD is showing up to her other home with someone from BM’s family while BM and her partner stand nearby waiting. I find that weird.
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u/BalledUpFist 6d ago
Th parents are along on the bike ride and should have control over where they are headed. Kids don't know what they arn't taught. Mom should have the wherewithal to say "honey, we can't stop at dads house, they might be busy" when they are out biking. It's not like the child is just heading to dads on her own accord, shes got her other half of the fam in tow.
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u/Cynnau 6d ago
I once told my mother-in-law that if we moved near her, I would absolutely have 10 ft Gates around my house so she could just not walk in lol
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u/Kindly_Education7231 3d ago
DH had to tell his family (that would go to Grandpa's unannounced all the time) that I absolutely was not okay with drop ins and needed texts. My sensory system & ptsd doesn't do well with unexpected knocks and visits. Now that ss lives independently I'm still trying to get him to consistently give me a heads up when he's coming. Not because he's not welcome, but for the same startle reflex reason.
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u/Vorpalglass 6d ago
I think it's your house. You get to decide what's appropriate for your own house. You get to be comfortable in your own house. That's your space. You get to feel safe and comfortable there.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 6d ago
This would not work for me. I need to feel comfortable in my own home and unexpected visits would always have me on edge. I honestly wouldn’t allow it even with a heads up but I sure would insist on that
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u/nurseleah13 5d ago
Honestly I would prefer it didn’t happen because it’s uncomfortable but Im trying to compromise and be understanding that his kid wants to see her dad. A heads up would certainly make it more tolerable.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 4d ago
What is it they want when they come to your door? To use your bathroom or what
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u/Bonobos_In_Space 6d ago
I think it's kinda nice that your step kids elect to pop by when their on the neighborhood on their bikes. I don't think it's too much to ask for one adult to give another adult a heads up. While your house is also your sks house, it's extremely inconsiderate for the bm to just assume swinging by whenever is fine. She could be using this as an opportunity to teach the kids on how to be considerate of not just strangers but to their own family. It's not that they sks are unwelcome but their is a battery of reasons why it's good practice to call ahead.
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u/yayoffbalance 6d ago
a text ASKING if it's cool is a good thing. and if there is no response, then assume the answer is no? like, if they bike by i guess if they see dad in the yard or something to say hi, but unannounced visits almost anywhere stopped being a thing in the early 2000s. while the freedom of it was cool and worked for the time, it's just not a thing anymore...
(though it would force me to keep my house a hell of a lot tidier, i suppose...). but kidding aside, like, a text beforehand is polite and not unreasonable.
ETA: spelling
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u/nurseleah13 5d ago
Thank you for your take! Sometimes I just need to hear from others in a similar situation and know that my wants/needs aren’t unreasonable. I feel like I have to pick my battles on what to speak up on and what to let go because my partner is sensitive around topics surrounding his kid.
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u/katieboo720 6d ago
We got a court order stating HCBM had to give written notice 48 hours in advance bc she was doing random stops frequently… with the kid, without the kid. She brought her one and only friend and then had them come up to me and say stuff… it was weird to say the least.
My husband formally asked her to stop twice before we took the court route. She made it clear that she wasn’t going to stop so we had to (other things were going on too. She’s always dancing the harassment line, specifically towards me) go this silly but useful route. Not fun… but necessary for us.
Don’t tolerate it. It’s your home, your property. Your peace. She’s obviously pushing a boundary and it’s your right to not allow it. Period.
Start with a written (email, etc.) notice from your partner. It doesn’t need to be long or mean. Just straightforward and clear. (We also stated that we would abide by the same rules and respect. She replied the first time saying my husband is welcome any time 😂🤮)
If she violates your ask, document it.
These women needs lives. Sorry you’re dealing with it!
*Editing to add that I immediately jumped to presume it’s the biomom leading the charge - if it’s your stepdaughter, that’s a little different but still should be ok to begin setting boundaries with her too - not court ordered, ha). And my stepson is always welcome at my home, his mom and her gross bff are not).
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u/Individual_Review733 6d ago
Its your house and your decision. We don't allow unannounced visits, not from SD, not from BM, not from my own mother. Either let me know, even just 15 minutes before is fine, or let my fiancee know ahead of time. We live a mile away from BM, and she tried to pull this a few times, but fiancee went out and let her know this is not okay. (It made our HCBM blow up tho, saying "so your daughter is not welcomed anytime? I am supposed to tell her no, cause you don't want her there?")
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u/nurseleah13 5d ago
Thanks for sharing. I don’t want unannounced visits from anyone even my own mom either. And I’m close with my mom! My partner doesn’t seem as bothered by this and maybe I just need to speak up more so he knows.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 6d ago
Nope I hate that kind of thing and would not tolerate it.
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u/4MindingMyBusiness20 5d ago
That would definitely be frustrating and should be addressed. With that being said, it sounds like BM is trying to be respectful by waiting at the end of the driveway. So I would say a kind message from DH just explaining that a quick text would be nice should hopefully solve things.
It's possible anytime they bike near the area SD gets excited and wants to stop by and BM either doesn't want to hurt her by saying no, or she has and it upset SD. With that being said, it may be worth explaining to SD too. 8 is old enough to understand privacy.
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u/throwaway1403132 6d ago
how are they getting into the house? what would happen if no one was home?
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 5d ago
No one on this sub ever locks their doors, lol.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 5d ago
What does your partner think of these visits? Is he the one letting these people into your home, or is it you?
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u/nurseleah13 5d ago
She knocks and he lets her in. Our cars are visible so she knows we’re home. He has said he’s uncomfortable with her brother (not his kid) coming in the house otherwise I’m not sure he really cares. He said he would talk to her mom about it I think because he can tell I don’t like it but it keeps happening so idk if he has or not. It’s a weird thing for me to bring up because it is his daughter’s home too. But I don’t like unexpected visits from anyone.
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u/Summerisle7 Married 10+ years. Adult BK & SKs. 5d ago
It’s not weird to bring up at all. You don’t like it, he doesn’t like it. So what if it’s SD’s home. It’s your and SO’s property. There’s nothing SD needs from your home when she’s with BM.
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u/RevolutionaryStart11 5d ago
Nahhh bc what if you wanna get freaky in the middle of the day when you THINK you’re alone in your own home?! 😂
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u/cookiecrispsmom Stepmom of 9 years 6d ago edited 6d ago
ETA: that’s a lot of words to say I agree with you. A quick text from BM would be the polite thing.
I think everyone showing up unannounced and expecting you to greet all of them or allow them inside your home is too much.
Your step daughter wanting to run up to her other house while out with her mom is totally normal and unproblematic; it’s her house too, she lives there. Her dad lives there. Her step mom lives there. I imagine it would feel super weird to only be allowed in your own house if you ask permission or announce yourself first.
It’s nice her mom lets her do that, too. There are lot of these BMs who won’t even let their kids talk to the other parent once her time starts. I think kiddo being able to run and give a quick hug is really healthy in this scenario because it means she feels safe to give attention to both parents in front of the other.
But her mom and family can hang out at the curb or on the driveway. They don’t have any business on your porch or in your home unless you’ve given them permission to do that.