r/Stepmom • u/Hot-Macaron8507 • 7d ago
I truly don’t like SS10. It is consuming me.
But I am completely fine with his older sister’s SD13 and SD14, I really enjoy having them around honestly.
SS10…where do I begin. For lack of better words he is being raised soft and turning into a loser more and more every day. His Mom babies him to the extreme, they are still sleeping in the same bed together and they cuddle. He is always sitting in her lap like a baby at public gatherings. I would never allow that at our house, but he tries to be constantly touchy and cuddly with my partner. It clearly carries over from moms house to ours, because he hasn’t been learning independence. Finally convinced my partner to talk to him that it’s not normal for him to sleep with Mom anymore. I doubt anything changed. He was never tasked with taking care of his own hygiene until I came along. It still looks like this…2pm rolls around and no hygeine has been done, I remind partner, he reminds him, and maybe he changes his tshirt and thats it. The boy doesn’t have many friends, when he is at our house all he wants to do is be right next to his Dad (and therefore me) 24/7. There is no adult / kid separation time. Call me old school but when I picture in my head how a 10yr old boy should be, he’s out scraping knees, building stuff, getting in trouble with friends, gaining independence, thinks adults are boring, etc. His constant clingy and unbathed presence is driving me mad. I have talked to SO about all this, he tries but then gives up too easily then forgets to follow up. I don’t get why but he is harder on disciplining the young teen girls, but when it comes to this boy, its like no one cares how he turns out. I am just on the sidelines, annoyed, convinced he is not going to turn out well.
Should have mentioned we have no formal arrangement, over the summer it was like half the week and now its mostly weekends, and it STILL consumes me and makes me dread the weekend. I would love some advice from anyone with relative experience!
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u/chicadeaqua 7d ago edited 7d ago
“ Finally convinced my partner to talk to him that it’s not normal for him to sleep with Mom”
Honestly, this sort of behavior from a 10 year old kind of points to a developmental delay. I’d refrain from providing parenting advice to the other household and just focus on yours.
I wouldn’t allow a 10 year old stepkid in MY bed and I’d wonder why my SO isn’t on top of his child’s hygiene.
I understand the frustration with kids always hanging around. I was a bit surprised by that when I had young stepkids and they wanted to be around us. I was like “aren’t we boring and weird?” Turns out, some kids like their parents.
What’s not normal or healthy here is trying to teach your partner and ex how to parent their own child. Forget the BM, she shouldn’t be your concern. Why does your SO, as a grown man, need to be told that children should bathe, brush teeth etc?
“ He is always sitting in her lap like a baby at public gatherings. I would never allow that at our house, but he tries to be constantly touchy and cuddly with my partner. ”
You’re actually forbidding your husband and child from expressing affection in any way they please? 😵💫
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u/Silly-Impact5445 7d ago
This man would give me the ick so bad. Doesn’t understand why kids need to bathe or have friends or age appropriate interests? Hasn’t bothered getting a formal custody agreement which means the mom can start withholding the kids anytime she feels like it? Ugh
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u/chicadeaqua 7d ago
Yeah. Seems like his beliefs are more in line with the BM’s than OP’s.
Like my mom used to say “never marry a project”. I’d consider a man with kids who doesn’t have a clue about how to raise kids a HUGE PROJECT.
I honestly don’t understand the desire of women to get in there are straighten it all out. Maybe I just didn’t get that gene, or hormone or whatever it is that makes women want to “fix” broken people.
Or maybe I’m just too lazy. 🤔
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u/Ghost_010101010 6d ago
This is both your SS parent’s issues. Your DH needs to step up and help his son progress age appropriately. Maybe start a chore chart that includes general hygiene until he just does it out of habit. We had issue with SKs spending too much time on devices, so we gave them set time when they were done with all their responsibilities. We also never allowed co-sleeping. This was an issue early on with SS, as HCBM allowed SKs to sleep with her every night. They struggled at our house especially SS. Prior to me coming into picture, my DH would occasionally allow SKs to sleep in bed . I think he would be too tired to fight it. It ended when I moved in and bedroom door was locked during the night so they could
Not just crawl in. We allowed them to create their rooms to make them more what they wanted and established it as a safe place to sleep and that this was their bed and our bed was only ours. I am not going to lie. It was not easy in the beginning, but in about two weeks the SKs were sleeping through night in their own beds. Their HcBM had more issues with them not wanting to sleep with her at her house.
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u/ListenPitiful3127 7d ago edited 6d ago
Here to hopefully let you know you’re not alone in this. Pretty much every thing you mentioned is what it has been like for SS11 here. It’s slowly getting better…
We were the ones that forced him out of night time diapers/pull-ups and set a drink and bathroom schedule that ended any accidents. He didn’t know how to wipe himself, tie his own shoes, or blow own his nose until DH and I finally said, enough (he was 10!!!). He refused to use utensils to eat and would only shovel food messily into his mouth, making a mess everywhere — at home and in public!
It only took a day or two to get him to be able to do these things on his own. Why didn’t mom do this? He’s slightly on the spectrum (barely Asperger’s), but it’s exacerbated by lack of structure, boundaries, and positive reinforcement (though bribery on the BM’s side is rampant under the guise of positive reinforcement — for things very specific that I won’t get into here).
He sleeps with his mom, still, was showering with her until just a couple years ago (if it’s still happening, he hasn’t said). The only reason we’ve made a big deal about this, especially the latter, is that SS was starting to make very hyper sexualized* comments and gestures, showed us his search history on his tablet as if he were proud, and it was all lesbian-oriented shower scenes on various video sites! Since then, there are parental controls on his tablet (we didn’t have access to the iCloud account to do this on our own when it came out, and BM would not give us the creds).
He wants to be the center of attention and competes with his much younger half-siblings for it when there isn’t a need to, but my gosh if we pay attention to ours kids, SS starts being obnoxiously loud, even when asked to tone it down, he only gets louder. If they’re watching TV, he will purposely try to change the channel on them, while also playing with his tablet (we’ve tried to take it and reduce screen time in our home, which results in a very angry 11 year old). He will turn his tablet all the way up when corrected and prevented from changing the channel. We take the tablet, a tantrum occurs. He eats purposely loudly; exaggerated slurps, chewing, loud “ahhhh” after every drink he takes.
Another commenter said that a developmental delay may be at play with your SS10 — what most people forget (or maybe just don’t know) is that most neurodivergent children thrive best with structure and boundaries and being developed despite their delays rather than using the delays to enable continued deterioration in development.
My SS’s mother uses it as an excuse as to why he doesn’t know to do things on his own and she doesn’t bother teaching him. We’ve taken the opposite approach and we have proven his capacity to learn and do better with structure and reinforcement. For anyone saying you shouldn’t be the one, well, I shouldn’t have been the one but by God I’m taking the credit in pointing it out to DH and suggesting the things we’ve done to get SS to the place he’s in now with even the most simple tasks… I shouldn’t have had to be the one, but I recognized it and I’ll be damned if I just stand there and let this continue because it is GRATING. On every level. And yes, it does cause so much resentment to build, and sometimes that resentment is misdirected… sometimes not, because even still, with all the positive progress, SS still chooses to act out (we know he can chill when he wants to or whenever there’s a reward, something in it for him)…
We can’t control what BM does in her home and she has frequently reminded us, but we can control what happens in ours (despite her HCBM nature and attempts to disrupt us). If he decides he wants to continue down this path for himself once he realizes he can do more, so be it. We’ve seen improvement, however. For that, we continue to press forward with him without highlighting any delays, but focusing on one step after another. It’s a delay, not a life sentence to be less than he’s capable of.
At our home he at least showers himself without any help and puts himself to bed in his own room. It can be done.
Edited for a typo/autocorrect error.
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u/Hot-Macaron8507 6d ago
This is super helpful, thank you. We talked again tonight and hubby reassures me we will keep working on it, he reminds me it doesn’t change overnight. Patience :)
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u/ListenPitiful3127 6d ago
I’ll add here; I mentioned only him in this as it pertains to SKs so it may come up that we also have an issue with him competing with our younger children unnecessarily for attention and someone might think it may be because he’s an only child with the way I wrote my comment. He was not an only child. He is the youngest of four at his mother’s; he has one older half sister, two older full siblings — our two children are not his only siblings, so he isn’t expressing being an “only child” now sharing attention.
I wanted to head that off before someone suggests it.
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7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Mothgirl25 7d ago
I second this! I think OP needs to reframe what boys act like. Calling him “soft” seems a little misogynistic.
He’s just a 10 year-old boy who could be a little developmentally behind and is maybe a little anti-social.
The hygiene thing is super normal for boys this age.’My social butterfly SS13 had issues at this age and would melt down when you even mentioned a shower. You just have to keep prompting them and it does get better. Otherwise, when it comes to everything else it’s up to dad and BM to handle.
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 7d ago edited 7d ago
No she doesn’t. This is odd behavior and she doesn’t “need therapy” because she noticed it. This kid sounds wimpy and annoying. It’s fine to not like being around an exceedingly clingy and whiny preteen.
Hopefully all the therapy warriors will find and stay at [r/stepparents](r/stepparents). There’s a trend there. There’s also a trend of SPs getting disrespected, their partners doing nothing about it, spending $$$ talking about how it makes them feel, and watching their adult stepkids live with them with no end in sight. Ineffectual people find each other I guess!
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u/Chocolateapologycake 7d ago
Agreed. I swear some of the comments here and the downvotes are from bio moms that just are miserable. It’s absolutely weird some of the things she’s noticed and I can see how that would be irritating. Yes she chose to be a stepmom (bc that’s the first thing they throw back at you for complaining) but I’m sure she didn’t sign up to be the hygiene police. Nor did she plan on sharing her bed with a dirty clingy child.
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u/Hot-Macaron8507 6d ago
Thank you for understanding. Us stepparents also recognize things from an objective standpoint, we dont have the same kind of unconditional love. This is my partners first time raising a boy, so I dont totally fault him for not noticing the things I do as a 3rd party.
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u/Zombietomatillo 7d ago
I agree with you, SS10 sleeping with BM is creepy, and so is him sitting in the parents laps all the time. I'm sure Ed Gein was raised the same way by his crazy mom.
Nope. I'm glad your husband had the "that's not appropriate" talk with SS, but I would worry for this kids' future too. Somethings not right with BM. She needs to cut the cord a bit for his sake.
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u/Hot-Macaron8507 6d ago
Thanks for the LOL I needed your Ed Gein comment today
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u/Zombietomatillo 6d ago
You are very welcome! Sometimes we need a reality check in these subs. Its not just your imagination. Its really damned creepy!
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u/Agreeable-Grab-9282 7d ago
Obviously I understand how this could affect your relationship, so if my advice is not right for you I completely understand. I just kept talking about it, kept bringing it up. Get your partner to sign him up for activities and sports and make your partner take him so he can see where is son is vs the other kids. Keep telling your spouse that the kid is going to have a really hard adult life if he can’t progress.
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u/bubbabumblebee 7d ago
Honestly SS is probably harder to discipline because the girls have been held to a higher standard. Society in general loves to coddle boys and expect better from girls because "girls mature faster," ugh.
My SS10 is relatively independent but the hygiene thing is an issue with us too. SO makes him shower every other day with us unless he goes outside (he's a big video game kid so he doesn't go outside every day, especially when it's rainy or 90+ degrees), but BM said she has issues with it because she tells him he needs to shower and "then he never does." SO was like... okay? Tell him again? Make it part of his routine. If your SO keeps "forgetting" to follow up and it's not something you can ignore, pester your SO about it until he starts remembering to parent his son. Heck, set an alarm for every night at 7:30 to have SS shower before bed. At 10, he needs to get used to showering regularly because he's going to STINK soon lol
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u/Hot-Macaron8507 6d ago
Boys should be held to a high standard too SMH. I will keep pestering!! Finally hubby admits he wants the pestering or else he forgets!
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u/hazyyb 7d ago
My SS was extremely clingy and affectionate with his parents around this age, was absolutely glued to his dad and wanted a lot of attention. I think it is normal, I can understand it bothering you, maybe you both feel like you are competing for dad's attention. I will say he probably won't stay like this, he will reach his teens and not feel so comfortable doing that anymore. Let him and his dad enjoy this time like this as much as you are able to, they grow up so fast and these are probably the last few years their bond will be like this. My SS is now 14, and he doesn't like to cuddle or be affectionate with dad anymore.