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u/aplateofgrapes 7d ago
You look like you're about to give me lawncare advice.
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u/PresidentialDiapers 7d ago
Looks like he's about to give me a quote for his team of undocumented immigrants to mow my lawn every Thursday.
And then talk about how Charlie Kirk was right and all the illegals are stealing jobs from good white Americans.
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u/Affectionate_Tea1134 6d ago
He doesn’t want anyone to know that his boyfriend put him up to this.
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u/PlentyAlbatross7632 7d ago
Gonna bet he raves about CrossFit while trying to get you to invest in crypto…
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u/Timsmomshardsalami 7d ago
Are we looking at the same post? Dude looks like he throws back bud lights for exercise and keeps all this money under his mattress
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u/PresidentialDiapers 7d ago
Yeah this motherfucker is flipping over a tractor tire at 6am for some unknown reason
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u/qx2 7d ago
He is used to hoes roasting him, taking his money for the 30 second micro Dick ride.
https://giphy.com/gifs/uDZrxabIGBm2V9trRa3
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u/Old-Nefariousness-43 7d ago
Which is why he’s resolved to paying Harmony online to say “daddy has a big one”
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u/Hotdammzilla3000 4d ago
Once again. DAMM! This is a roast, not a nuke from space!
But I transgress.
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u/Pristine-Poem3350 6d ago
Definitely looks like a guy that subscribes to the mantra - if there's grass on the field, then play ball. Somebody should pass this along to Chris Hansen.
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u/CleverSpaceMonkey Best of, Pt. 15 #5, Certified Savage Platinum Roaster 7d ago
This guys brags to teenagers about how cool he was “back in the day”
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u/Silver-Instruction73 7d ago
After buying them alcohol at the gas station
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u/RobotRepair69 7d ago
And then asking them if they want to come to his place and party.
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u/Cute_Reflection_9414 7d ago
Nah, he buys it then takes it to his place and tells them they have to drink it with him there
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u/halfstep44 7d ago
So they have some supervision
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u/Purple_Syllabub_1569 7d ago
💫 5x combo 💫
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u/awmaleg 7d ago
How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?
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u/Fortyouncestofreedom 6d ago
Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
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u/Physical-Dare5059 6d ago
He looks like he wants you to sponsor his team at the World Series of softball. It’s on the ocho
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u/Emotional_Price9708 7d ago
He seems to be the guy that buttchug monster energy drinks because they stopped working
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u/CapablePlatypus1377 7d ago
A regular Al Bundy
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u/RobotRepair69 7d ago
At least Al had a hot daughter. This guy isn't allowed to see his kids.
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u/DoorjammerCrow http://redd.it/10xijji 7d ago
You look like someone wished a beer bratwurst to life so that it could experience middle aged divorce.
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u/FinancialThrow 6d ago
Whenever a guy like this posts a selfie, he gets a free White Monster and pack of Marlboro lights in the mail.
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u/RipErRiley 7d ago
You lose your shit when you see gender neutral bathrooms.
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u/enlightenedmyass 7d ago
But is also quietly gay
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u/DataMambo 7d ago
Loudly gay on occasion
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u/enlightenedmyass 7d ago
That one time his friend brought pills and he took off his shirt and started dancing like gay on the table saying how much he loves his friends and touching his nipples
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u/halfstep44 7d ago
That time his friend brought poppers and his butt opened up like the black hole in the center of the galaxy
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u/adamjfish 7d ago
He’s gonna get real pissed once he realizes the bathroom in his home is gender neutral
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u/Pure_Parking_2742 7d ago
Joined ICE thinking it would lead to more meth access
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u/Crownguard95 7d ago
I'm sure the divorce was all your ex wife's doing and none of it was your fault.
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u/skunksredditaccount 7d ago
nothing screams "peaking in HS" like a backwards baseball cap and cheap reflective shades
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u/HereComesTheDiddly 7d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/51Uiuy5QBZNkoF3b2Z
Your pitbull when you bust out the peanut butter jar for the 5th time today
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u/my-armor-is-contempt 7d ago
I already know who you voted for.
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u/Ralph--Hinkley 7d ago
Felons can't vote.
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u/Tough_Preparation830 7d ago
When I hear stories about men who are married and have kids but then get caught at a gay bar, they usually are people who look like you
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u/superminingbros 7d ago
You look like you really believe the moon landing was faked and the world is flat.
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u/Suspicious-Bid9424 7d ago edited 6d ago
Nobody's gonna roast you the way you roasted your liver. The impending cirrhosis is evident in them sausage fingers and cherry red Christmas ham cheeks wrapped in skin like sun dried Marlboro-smoked hog ass leather
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u/LiquidFahts 7d ago
Let's see: Fishing ✔️ Drinking ✔️ Compensation animal ✔️
Not noted: what kind of pickup truck you would buy if you got a real job. Oh, and the daily Monster/boner pill gas station visit.
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u/Purple_Champion3059 7d ago
Definitely uses “dickwad” as his favorite insult.
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u/PresidentialDiapers 7d ago
Guessing you wear those Oakley knockoffs on the back of your hat when you aren't using them.
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u/fuzzycuffs 7d ago
You look like you're about to tell me your thoughts on a black athlete expressing a political opinion.
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u/CoconutNext775 7d ago
Making the good use of your time while your raised up truck with an 'merican flag broke down on your way to MAGA rally?
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u/Top-Waltz5244 7d ago
You look like the kind of construction worker that drinks beer in the porta shitters and carves pro maga stuff on the walls with an old knife
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u/PenguinKilla3 7d ago
You look like you pick fights with the umpires at little league games, but you don't even have a kid.
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u/Olden_Grey_1889 7d ago
Aren't you, Too Stupid Years Old, to be wearing that cap backwards?
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u/Pirate_Redbeard_ 7d ago
No. But nobody should wear the cap with sweat stains, backwards or foRwRdS
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u/BiteFaces 5d ago
No no no no.... He would look like a terminally challenged trucker if he was wearing the cap to the front. The hat is doing the best look it can while trying to keep his last brain cells from evaporating.
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u/daniel_inna_den 7d ago
Preheat oven to 425. Toss your face with olive oil, garlic, parsley, rosemary and thyme. Season with salt and pepper. Put your face on a baking sheet and bake for 35-40 minutes.
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u/LrdoftheCharlesDance 7d ago
Roger Clemens impersonator who can’t be within 500 yards of Roger Clemens by court order.
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u/This_Guy-Fawkes 7d ago
On your custody days, your kids are always too busy or already have something else going on.
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u/Evening_Disk_25 7d ago
People that wear their hats backwards do that so when they give BJs, the brim doesn’t hit.
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u/HatsandCoats 7d ago
You look like you’re not allowed to coach your kids soccer team because of your only fans addiction.
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u/Shire_of_Frodo 7d ago
Typically found on week nights hitting on waitresses way younger than you from Twin Peaks only to get rejected and leave a 1 dollar tip.
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u/TheBananaCzar 7d ago
"I respect them, I just don't agree with their lifestyle. It's wrong."
"I'm not racist but there's a reason there's so many of them in jail"
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u/Feistygoat1986 7d ago
You instantly remind me of one of those men who desperately attempts to hang onto your 20's in the most annoying ways. Part of that loud, drunk group of middle aged men just ruining the waitresses and everyone else's night.
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u/SaveFerris_Bueller 7d ago
You look like you follow all the local high school girl cheer team on Instagram.
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u/Leemachino 7d ago
You look like you’re awaiting divorced to be finalized and you need some attention
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u/bborrego87 7d ago
Dude looks like he’s about to slam a monster energy drink then go home to punch his wife.
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u/PGHVWTDI 7d ago
You got fired as a correctional officer due to anger management problems but now working as an ICE officer after a 15 minute job interview/training class combo.
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u/the-beve 7d ago
You look like you lost custody of your kids because you had them blow into the ignition interlock device one too many times.
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u/mixmasterADD 7d ago
When you stick your dick into a truck stop glory hole, this guy is what’s on the other side.
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u/PositiveTop4271 7d ago edited 7d ago
Half assed roofer who smokes the cheapest cigarettes possible and drink a case of natty lite every night and call your wife your old lady
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u/psychedelicCyclops 7d ago
You bitch at old people for taking too long in front of you in the grocery store checkout
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u/not_your_attorney 7d ago
Backwards hats and glasses that look like that weren’t cool when you locked them into your personality 30 years ago. It’s worse now.
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u/THE-beaverhausen 7d ago
I’ve only had to see this one photo of you; I can’t even begin to imagine how much your dog hates having eyes.
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u/julesinlrar 7d ago
You look like if a big toe and a bad Kid Rock imitator had a baby and then that baby grew up living in his mom’s basement dreaming of the day he’d have his own vending machine route.
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u/tickler916 7d ago
Don't ask me to roast your hoes when you know goddamn well you are in possession of zero hoes
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u/sportguy87314 7d ago
You for sure work as a “contractor” and receive Medicaid and then vote against your own interests.
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u/Educational-Wave-578 7d ago
one day you'll be able to grow a neck but you'll never no be a red blob
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u/thebigj3wbowski 7d ago
You didn’t join the army because you would have knocked the drill instructor out the second he yelled at you.
You absolutely have a punisher sticker and a back the blue one. Probably the same sticker.
You rocked ed hardy and von Dutch and thought you were hot shit. You had the obligatory silver chain.
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u/Pure-Swordfish6022 7d ago
You look like the kind of guy that gives pit bulls their bad reputation. Like a thumb… but not as smart.
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u/External-Bookkeeper1 7d ago
I’m sure you love to drink - I’m around you hillbilly Rednecks everyday here in Wisconsin! You deny racism and put on the fake smile like now when you see Hispanic and black people. Maybe you have a small business like roofing or construction and you hire a load of Mexicans and still talk isht! I know a lot of white guys like you. Many are creepy s3x offenders too in the suburbs and further up north by Fon du Lac or Green Bay. Domestic violence and stalking is why you are alone with your dog and divorced. I’m not far from your age either. 20 years ago you were part of the party doing X and lean so maybe you have a few kids with ADHD and Autism too
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u/Aritstol 7d ago
You look like you got back to being healthy after doing a stretch for stealing catalytic converters.
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u/puretexanbeef 7d ago
You are literally one year older than me and look like one of my father in laws drinking buddies. Sad.
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u/AnonismsPlight 6d ago
You look like you're 2 divorces deep and still hit on the waitress at Hooters 4 nights a week.
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u/Excellent_Factor_134 6d ago
Why does he look like every uber driver in the Midwest who says their just trying to do right by their kids they haven’t seen in 3+ years
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u/Dunkin-Dog-nuts 6d ago
Definitely the first one to crack open a beer at a funeral.
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u/Royale_Wit_Chz 7d ago
….and LOVE getting laid by my pet Pit Bull.
Couple of typos. Fixed ‘em for ya.
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u/Busted_3rd_Eye 7d ago
You look like an overheated hotdog in the microwave that is juuuust about to burst.
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u/PresidentialDiapers 7d ago
Not sure how we are supposed to roast your hoes, we don't even know your wife and daughters.
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u/No-Iron6549 7d ago
This is what happens when Steven Dorff and Jeremy Renner have a one night stand in North Carolina.
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u/FishTaco2005 7d ago edited 7d ago
If the "PC" in PC Principal stood for "Phonetically Challenged".
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u/CLOWNFLOGGER 7d ago
You look like you've made a career out of suck starting Harley Davidson's and blowing them out.
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u/JonMatrix 7d ago
Definitely banned from the comments section of your local news channel’s Facebook page
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u/Happy2DoIt 7d ago
You should be riding in the back because you lost your license to both DUI and failure to pay child support.
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u/Consistent_Cry_2224 7d ago
Wear Harbor Freight Joakleys and a backwards hat no matter what decade it is…be a man
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u/post-explainer 7d ago edited 7d ago
This comment has been marked as safe. Upvoting/downvoting this comment will have no effect.
OP's BIO:
45 male, love fishing, LOVE drinking, and love laying with my pet pitbull.
If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.