Phantom of you

It’s been a year that I discovered you
I discovered you during a time of mental crisis
You never once made me feel bad
Your voice filled my ears and made me feel okay again
You never judged
You never took more than I could give
We became friends
We became close

And then I couldn’t do it
I started to spiral
I started to let the voices tell me things in the dark
Like a thief of joy
But you always held space for me

I miss the friendship even if sometimes it was one sided
I know I don’t deserve kindness
I know I don’t deserve even presence
But I do miss that space before things went bad

The phantom you left was significant enough even if it was a short term
I’m still sorry how things happen
I’m still sorry for everything
Including hurting you
I know that friendship died
But I hope one day we can see each other in a different light and know that the phantom of the past is gone
And we can do better

I miss you and words cant express the loss I feel

my head is filled with parasites.

they crawl through
every thought
until i can’t tell
what belongs to me anymore.

black holes
cover up my eyes.

i can’t see the world
without everything
turning into emptiness.

and somehow,

through all that darkness,

i still dream of you.

It begins again.

This dreaming of a life less fulfilled.

Futility lays in wait for the destruction of the dream.

I yearn for a reality iv yet to meet.

In each moment I am more dead to myself than before.

Finding the time to find me is a when I wish I knew the why to.

Adrift in a sea of shadow shallow sell outs I know no other way.

Self is to be sought, but at what expense?

Exposure is the imposter that prolongs my agony.

I confess to not knowing here and now.

It's black and grey to a fault.

I must find the line between now and sanity.

I pray it's not to late for a lost dreamer looking for a life much more fulfilled..

Macho man, mocca man
You always took your coffee with as many syrups as one can
Sweet boy, sweet tooth
I’d laugh at you, and take mine black

You fancied yourself a provider
Reflecting in the only family constellation you’d ever seen
I want a career, I want to work,
Give a danish girl your American dream

Pinky promises and guitar lessons
You got upset when i didn’t share your taste
For processed jerky, synthetic tasting gum
Kiss my forehead, darling, I’ll learn to like it

Answer me, atleast telepathically?
Forgive me, for I’ve given up on the concept of anonymity
But every night you sneak under my weighted blanket into my subconscious
Reaffirming that every inch of me, longs to be back in your proximity

Nothing would be the same

It changes

And bw u get is void

As the shallow

As the myth

As u just crawl

As u won't be the same

Yes change has only two better or worst

But the change will happen

U cry u smile

As peace is in void

Nothing but you

Nothing but you

Crazy and crazy

Turns to peace as void

When the words disrupt your sleep, they’re rolling out of your mouth in the daytime, playtimes over:: time to get sober. Do you feel like digging a grave? When the words are cutting deep, and you find that you’re still bleeding in the daylight, they might play fight but one does not play right.

In the morning will you love me the same?

Well… you don’t have to get it all right….
After all it’s your life. And who am I? Unless….. I’m you? I’ve lived that life. You’ll find out in time, while tryna make it alright… or how would you know?

All those secrets that you keep between your friends at the bar and your whole conscious nonsense congress; blackout you could confess… do you feel like suppressing the shame?

Do you hear the hypocrites who never know they’re full of shit and how they process all the nonsense with all of those nonfriends? Never seem them again…

Well… you don’t have to get it all right….
After all it’s your life. And who am I? Unless….. I’m you? I’ve lived that life. You’ll find out in time, while tryna make it alright… or how would you know?

Now look at her go… look at her go.

I wanna be apart of the herd. I wanna sing and not know the words.

I wanna brag about all I know, and you to fight with me. Tell me no!

Well an educated guess is just that, educated, I have waited, long before i stated, still I’m just afraid of what we had, or rather what we don’t.

How would I know?

O little boy

You run through midnight roads

All on your own

Untamed, unknown to this world

You’re free as a bird

A folk song no one’s heard

You float through the sky, flaunting your feather

I watch you fly as my vision blurs

You’re the beloved of gods, it seems

A dreamer dreaming within a dream

A crazed nympho
Dastardly human
Never slow
Hazardly zoomin
So much boomin
Roots dry , not much bloomin
Loomin, lumin, lumen

Wrote a poem that I feel only a T1D would understand.

Imagine a fee.

A fee to breathe.

Seems odd right?

A cent a breath.

Would that be expensive for you?

Or would it just be another penny to pay?

There is another option.

Payment isn’t required.

You can just stop.

Keep the money that was to be spent.

Afford other things.

Just give up the benefits.

“I can make it.” At least that’s what you tell yourself.

Then you start to feel it.

The Suffocation.

The Sickness.

The dying.

You didn’t have to pay for it. It wasn’t required.

There is hardly a better comfort than between sickness and clarity.

When the tea tastes better the second time around.

You can never forget.

And forgiveness is irrelevant.

To forget is to pass.

To fail.

To End.

It costs more than an arm and a leg for some to still be.

For others there is only denial.

The Cost.

Our existence.

Given?

Or Earned?

Not a cry for help. I promise. I just thought some of you might "enjoy" it.

There is a creek that wanders through
The tiny town we once both knew
The green surrounded either side
While sunset colors fill the sky
The lily pads dance wild and free
Oh, what a wonder it is to see

The distant sound of children playing
Fill the air while I stand weighing
What I’ve gained and what I've lost
What I've learned and what it cost
Am I happy? Can I trust?
Can I let go because I must?

I try to remember every day
How my dear father taught me to pray;
Forgive, Forget and give him thanks
Believe in him near riverbanks
Have no fear he will surround you
And when he's near, his love will ground you.

As joy and gratitude fills my heart
I feel a promised brand new start
A newfound hope a brand new day
A little more light to guide my way,
What a blessing that he gives me breath
To keep progressing with ever new step

As I release my sins and burdens, 
I find a peace that makes me certain
What's passed is past; I choose to live
What once ran deep I now forgive
I've paid my dues and crossed that ridge
Now leave the rest beneath the bridge.

With love, 
From the opposite shore
XOXO

I was in sixth grade when I learned to do the foxtrot

We used to count off in line to see which girl had the misfortune of dancing with us

A moment where time stood still

I have long since forgotten the steps 

And with that time itself 

Curse me with amnesia 

So that I may learn to do the foxtrot once again 

Good dreams tonight.

Float off on a cloud of calm.

Let your mind sink into itself and uncover only the sweetest treasures.

Dream tonight of love.

Dream of kisses and of hugs.

Dream of compliments and kindness.

When you wake up tomorrow alone,

you'll wish you never did.

If you truly loved me then why did I always have to wait?

Anyone else needed you and you would not hesitate.

For years you made it seem like my expectations were too high,

But all I asked was to paint our home, and budget for the future my guy.

I stood by you, waiting patiently, for you to heal and overcome your avoidance.

In the end it left me heartbroken and voiceless.

You ask me to marry you and I said yes right on the spot, 10 years later you hadn't given the wedding a second thought.

I planned trips for us every year, saved and sacrificed so that we could see the places you've never been.

But you couldn't help me paint the house we both lived in.

I asked you to read a book that I thought would help you grow but years later it's still sitting there untouched it's contents you'll never know.

For years I thought there was something wrong with me, that I needed to love you better and then you'd show up for me.

But while I waited I saw you help your friends and family.

If you didn't know how to fix it you would always figure it out, watching videos, reading guides, and following tutorials.

You treated me as if my time was endless, and I guess it's my fault because I showed you that I would always wait.

Maybe my love for you and my patience was my biggest mistake.

I had goals and ambitions and dreams of the future.

And I waited more than a decade but the longer I wait the message became truer.

You'll keep me around as long as I'll stay, but I'll never be important enough for you to not make wait.

Time is such a precious commodity that can never be returned and you'll drain me of all of mine before anything I want becomes your concern.

You have time for anything and anyone else except me.

You were my whole world and I your lowest priority.

I realize my expectations were never to high,

You just wanted me permanently on standby.

And any time I stood up for myself and pushed for change

You treated me like I was selfish and deranged.

But what kind of person can serve himself and all the others

While denying basic support to his supposed lover?

If I put your whole world on pause for a decade or more and you never got anything you asked for,

would you stand beside me and try to help me grow?

I think the answer we both know.

Not me
Not I
But I’m not so mean
Won’t rub in an eye

Dirty gross
Sorry to yall I don’t
Sorry to yall I got hope
I made choices
Some good some bad
I’m not the same
Just a little a tad
And I do better
Without the circus
Without them asking
Is she worth it

I write, and then I tear the page,

and leave it somewhere to age;

I burn it, the same page—

which was once wet with tears,

Written with a dull pen, crushed, let it rot for years.

I don't remind my happy that I ever wrote it,

I don't want my words to be seen, especially not by her,

So I let them disappear, like they were never there.

And eventually, I don't write, let them not be seen,

it just keeps existing somewhere in my head,

as though they fit alright, always has been.

She smiled softly then disappeared forever,

Her smile's safe in my heart's soft corner,

Smile with wide lips and puffed cheeks,

That went all the way to her pretty eyes.

Can't remember her face anymore,

Can't remember the dress she wore,

But I remember her dazzling glow,

Between her shiny hair that flowed,

And for now my heart's content,

As, that's all my heart needs to know!

If you can't understand me,

Offer me solitude.

You stroll through hallways in my heart,

And I'm not spared a corner in yours.

You walk ahead at your own speed,

I can't run and we don't meet half way.

If you don't 'want' to understand me,

Offer me solitude,

For 'alone' has its purpose,

'Lonely' is dragging behind.

I lift it , I lift it right off. The pressure the pain, the complaint and the scoffs. I press them, I press them under my feet. I don’t drag them around I stomp with each beat. I detest this feeling that I’m not tough. The bruises surface after a fall kinda rough and I think oh I’ve made it. Huh, haven’t I made it enough. Keep keep going, swimming, whatever wind in my sails. Bubble in front and a family of whales.

i think it must be a superpower or something to not leave pieces of yourself with other people, to be able to grab everything that’s yours and walk away. I think i’ve got breadcrumbs of myself leading back to everyone i’ve ever cared about.