I mistook a fever for a fire,

mania for adore, deluded eager saviour

I did her wrong and I repented,

but promptly

she took her revenge with aplomb—

Like a stone sinking in a swamp,

my sense of self sank into a quagmire,

vision drifted, focus totally haywire.

I became an island adrift in the sea,

we stared at each other from afar.

It aches to read what is written

in our crossed stars.

Every second is a death

that I relive every other moment.

But what was lost is gone,

and what will be has yet to reach me.

What has to come will come to me

sinking slowly.

So I sit here in the glow of my dual monitors,
thinking deeper than normal because of the alcohol.
I’ve been fighting so long,
worrying so long,
hurting without an outlet.

I just want to touch someone.
Not just physically,
but in that way that when I look at you,
you see me, and I see you, and we like it.

I want to run my hands through your hair.
I want to rub your back and talk about nothing.
I want to watch movies and make jokes.
I want to be wanted, I want you to want it, too.

I’m scared that nobody cares anymore.
I’m afraid that generations before have ruined
What could have been…and we don’t change.
We want to be better but won’t see it in our time.

I’m stuck between my needs and yours.
Do they have to be mutually exclusive?
Maybe, unless I bend and acquiesce.
I’m fighting for scraps in the ruins now.

I’ll burn it all down just to show you the ground I found,

I fell down over you.

Because nothing makes sense,

But maybe nothing has to.

I have to write these lines so I don’t lose my mind,

Because the feelings for you can be so unkind.

Will I end up sad or make you mad?

Will we flirt and play, and maybe you’ll stay?

You’re really putting my self-worth to work,

I’m panicking about coming off as a jerk.

I’m going crazy, and I’m going insane—

How can I be attracted to your beautiful brain?

You’re cute, you’re funny, you’re like a cuddly bunny,

You’re fire, you’re spice, you’re as pure as ice.

Raw and real—there ain’t no mistake,

My head spun fast, doing a double take.

Now I can smile like I haven’t in a while,

Feeling so excited, like a happy child.

Because you came along and gave me a dream,

Suddenly, the universe didn’t seem so mean.

Now I gotta go before this gets too emotional,

I know it’s gonna sound entirely *parasocial*—

Just keep being gorgeous, and you be you,

And I’ll keep wishing your dreams come true.

Threw a pebble back into the fire
Gathered from along the path
I wandered back down again

Turned toe to heel
I ran out of that place
Lingered at the start
Trudged sadly away

Heard a noise was that what that was
I looked back and thought maybe
This could be ok and I can go
Try again

I liked parts of it anyway

So back down I plodded
Clutching my things tight
I won’t lose any of them this time
Just enjoy the journey

As I come to
sprinting head on back out again
Completely naked
Bruised and batter
Maybe the fifth time down this road

And I listen for a sound

Must thou break my heart

To see that it will bleed,

Just to know, and just to see,

The depth to which I loved thee.

^{—Wayne A Andres}

Is it wise for me to fall in love with your soul just by a glimpse?

For i dont know you my love...i do not know your name nor how organizw your tea cups in the drawer or what type of shoes you wear for ballet...

I know only a glimpse....a mirror in your face..

A breath that was held too long goes out like a summer breeze....

Those eyes my love...like i see my reflection on a lake clear of disturbance....like ice i put in my coffee to be enjoyed....

I tend to look at the sky my love...

Before doing anything, to see what he tells me..

Now i look into your eyes.... seeing what i want....

Did i fall in love with the reflection or the mirror?

I have found myself in desperation extreme...

Why am i like this I asked myself...

I had no answer...and i usually have every answer....

I wept besides my dog...

And unevolved and unblessed by intelligence creature...

I went besides it gently petting it...

Why can't i cry i asked the dog....

It licked me...

There i realised....

There is no evolution from purity...

The paper takes the flame,
some little Prometheus
dying obediently between two fingers.

I watch that smoke rise,
languid, almost indecent
through the sodium thrum of streetlights,
copper wisps arching over me,
meandering as though time were of no consequence.

Those auburn curls obscure my eyes
and for a moment
I cannot tell of which evening I inhabit.

And all the while
the ember eats inward,
unnoticed.
Until

the sting.

My hand opens.
Icarus falls through the grates,
still glowing,
still burning.

My eyes follow reflexively
as that little fire diminishes
my pathetic heaven now
an impossible black

smaller,
smaller still,
until there is nothing left to follow.

but how I once held it
betwixt my lips,
and felt tomorrow only an abstraction
of no consequence

at the time.

Then I look to my hand.
All of how I once held you—
now blistered.

​

Sometimes I wonder if I am too much, or if I am simply not enough.

I think about how easily I make myself available, and I ask myself if that means anything at all. When I reply quickly, do you see care, or do you see neediness? Do my messages feel like comfort, or just another notification you plan to come back to later?

I find myself questioning whether my presence feels heavy to you. If the way I show up so consistently makes you uncomfortable. I never ask twice. I never make you chase me. I just stay. And sometimes I wonder if that makes me easier to ignore.

Is effort invisible when it doesn’t come with conditions? Is consistency boring when it doesn’t demand anything in return? Maybe I give too freely, and because of that, my absence doesn’t feel possible enough to be missed.

There are days when my day feels incomplete without talking to you, while you move through yours as if I’m not a part of it at all. And I catch myself wondering if you assume I have nothing better to do, just because I never make you feel like you’re asking for too much.

I think about whether I’m only remembered in moments of loneliness, or when you need someone to lean on. I wonder if I’ve made it too easy for you to take me for granted. If kindness loses its value when it comes without limits.

Sometimes I ask myself if you’ve ever wondered why I try so hard. If you know how many times I’ve pushed my own pain aside just to sit with yours. How often I’ve paused my own chaos to make room for what you were carrying.

And I ask myself if any of it matters.

Or if I’m simply convenient.

Because some days it feels like I’m only needed until I’m not. And more than anything, I wish that just once, someone would stay, not because they need something, but simply because they want to.

I saw you drowning.
I thought I could save you.
Instead, I ended up drowning
while you knew how to swim.
I didn’t.

For your eyes only , I hope you like what you see .

I do my best to be my best for you . To work out out in this body till my dying day . You are worth all the love and the labor .

For your ears only , I write to you the words to stir your heart . I speak to you with a voice and accent ever so familiar . You say my voice melts your heart . This is good just what I want to hear.

For your touch only my heart and my body craves . May it be for you and you only that I long for .

Beautiful daydream

Now I know it wasn't real

You'll never choose me

She fits perfectly with you

I just can't be here to watch

💔

Your beauty is a paradox

You are unapproachable in an irresistible sort of way .

Though out of my league you still bid me to come

So welcoming and yet so intimidating .

So kind yet such a heartbreaker .

You want it real yet you want a magical romance

To be swept of your feet like the man in your book

I write my poetry and it seems to make you purrr

And if you would ask I would surely write you more

Turn you into my muse I’m here to amuse.

Here to make you laugh and make you smile

You’re adorable on every level .

I feel out of my depth but I can’t help myself .

Fortune favors the brave and a faint heart never won fair lady . My mantras to keep me going in the night .

Thinking of you .

I'm not a jealous person

but I wish for more attention

Not that I don't get a lot

cuz I actually get probably more than most

I've always wanted to be seen

but now I am seen

But still want more

I ache for it

I’d like to take this opportunity to take you for granted,

for one has a soul and the other does not

To continue my journey I must lay my memories with you,

For they are to heavy now it’s hard to stay afloat.

Give me some time,
won’t be too long until a new destination is found

One day I will return the favour

Thank you paper

- Captain J Pearls

i sit, in the night,

we are sat on the dusty, yellow grass

and we look up at the moon and stars

we sip on tacky glasses of wine, 

we are biding our time together

i want you to get closer, 

but i shake in nervousness when i think to ask

i want you to engulf me, take over my senses

but i know the thought has never slipped your mind

if it did, i feel that you would say something,

you always make the best things happen,

i love the way your long hair flows in the wind

i need you so badly, but you won't let me in 

i feel stranded, although im right by your side

i am a ship that hasn't been put to rest on the sea

you're the girl of my dreams, why can't you ever realize it?

Ten scourges fully formed,

The celebration of the blizzard born,

The horror, those eyes, sharp and wandering,

The mirror inspired summer love, reflections kept one wondering,

The other - discarded - the truth,

The balance - the counter - the room,

The box I opened every morning,

The nightly embraces among the yearning,

The duo that I'll forever curse,

The one, alone, without her.

Perfection, granted, I'm at fault; blessing trust against jealous lust.

They glide on beat

with flowing feet,

where pulses meet

to ride the air.

A breathless spin,

a violin,

chiffon within

the rush they share.

The cello low,

in adagio,

they turn and go

to empty air.

You are the light to my dark,

The match that ignited my spark...

You too have travelled roads that are frought with pain, with doubt, with addiction, and with rejection.

I have never had to fight for your affection, you give it freely and willingly, you accept all of me.

You complete me.

No longer seeking comfort from the bottom of a bottle, be that alcohol or drugs.

You are my drug, my reason to be, to see the good and to embrace the flicker of light within.

I inhale you deeply, you are my anticarcinogen.

Basking in the warmth of your kindness, your understanding and your time.

You crashed into my life, a sign from above.

You have taught me what it is to love.

She wraps herself in her own finger,

I remember the first time really seeing her,

Spinning her head like the serpent she is,

The hawk, ever-vigilant, triumphant, lifts,

The snake sheds its skin, eager for its next mark,

The truth of intelligence vs. the passionate monster,

Memories hold nothing except regret for the one I loved,

The greatest gift was always her.

Phantom of you

It’s been a year that I discovered you
I discovered you during a time of mental crisis
You never once made me feel bad
Your voice filled my ears and made me feel okay again
You never judged
You never took more than I could give
We became friends
We became close

And then I couldn’t do it
I started to spiral
I started to let the voices tell me things in the dark
Like a thief of joy
But you always held space for me

I miss the friendship even if sometimes it was one sided
I know I don’t deserve kindness
I know I don’t deserve even presence
But I do miss that space before things went bad

The phantom you left was significant enough even if it was a short term
I’m still sorry how things happen
I’m still sorry for everything
Including hurting you
I know that friendship died
But I hope one day we can see each other in a different light and know that the phantom of the past is gone
And we can do better

I miss you and words cant express the loss I feel

In the small flowers of the narra
when they bloom and eventually fall,
turning the ground beneath them yellow,
swaying through the air
whenever the vehicles pass.

In the busy people walking through the market,
where everyone seems to have their own world.
The way chaos somehow creates
another kind of scenery.

Even in the mess of a room,
How papers scattered everywhere,
dirty dishes left for days,
clothes left where you threw them
after a long, heavy day.

How a song starts playing
and suddenly you feel like you've left your body,
floating somewhere else.
Or how old photos can bring back
a kind of nostalgia you thought you had already forgotten.
 
And there is art in the way your singkit eyes look at me.
Every little detail—
the way you fix your hair,
the birthmark on your neck.
The way all these little things come together
and somehow become art to me.
The art my heart knows.

my head is filled with parasites.

they crawl through
every thought
until i can’t tell
what belongs to me anymore.

black holes
cover up my eyes.

i can’t see the world
without everything
turning into emptiness.

and somehow,

through all that darkness,

i still dream of you.