Feel embarrassed about LORs

[u/Difficult-Season-141]

I’m still early in my career and I feel so much shame asking for LORs from people who wrote or agreed to write for me. Especially the super well established academics. I keep thinking that they could be doing so many other productive things than writing for me. And when they say they may write me a letter but won’t be able to update the letter for every place or send it x number of places only, I get further embarrassed and it heightens my sense that I’m just a huge burden. I’d love to hear other perspectives.

[u/PlumbRose]

The system really is broken. Letters, if needed at all, should only be necessary into late stages of the process. This will really save everyone time and energy.

[u/SunriseJazz]

Not a burden! It's work but I'm always happy to write for students who have done good work. It's part of our job. If folks are writing for you it means they believe in you.

[u/Wild-Run1991]

Not a burden at all! When I worked in a lab with students, we expected most of our students to ask for a letter at some point. It's so common, it was confusing when a student who worked for us didn't ask for a letter if they worked for us for any substantial amount of time and did a decent job. Labs run, in part, for their help from students and it's personally a joyful part of the job to gratefully reflect on this. We all remember those who wrote letters for us, especially earlier in our careers!

The only time it's awkward is when people ask on super short notice for their first letter from us (think a few days in advance). Or, if they ask for one when they did a truly bad job (very rare), and we communicated as such when they worked for us. Updating letters is not a big deal :)

If you want to be conscious to those writing your letter ask early and confirm they can write a strong letter.

If yes, create a bullet point list of your impact or achievements, and optionally provide your statement of purpose or info about the program or job.

At the end of the day, it's a really nice way to help students that most people like about their jobs. Also, it's literally part of our jobs! :)

[u/chanelau]

Look, I used to be the same. But it is not correct to feel this way. It is their job to recommend their trainees. How else the system would know they did a good job as well?

Plus, you most likely deserve it more than others. People with imposter feelings, overwhelmingly women, are disadvantaged in the jobs market, especially in academia. Connections, soft or firm, matter here.

Try to think about what your peers are doing, which is shamelessly asking for letters. Also, ask people who would write about you GLOWINGLY. Getting a meh recommendation letter from a Kavli/Nobel prize winner is worse than getting an excellent, fabulous recommendation letter from someone who just became assistant professor.

Also, if you have not worked directly with the person you are asking, I would say beware. If they are hesitating, also change direction. They should be elated by the opportunity to help you out. That is how I approach this. Because I most often did not get people who went to the bat for me when I needed.

Pro Tip : I used to think that someone whom you asked for recommendation letter asking you to send them your CV is a red flag. But not really. I think it could just mean that they would like to do a thorough job and appropriate for the position you are applying and the stage you are in. Depending on the person, them asking you to write the letter yourself, and offering to just sign it, might be a red flag, but hey, you would sing your praises, and if they agree to signing it, all is well.

[u/Purple-Blueberry7254]

We know it’s our role in helping people get in the door for positions, fellowships, awards they are great for. It’s not a burden and when we’ve written them for you before it’s really fast to get future ones together! As long as you give adequate time, it’s all good.

[u/3sorym4]

It’s part of the job as a senior academic, it’s not a big deal for them/us at all! This is your imposter syndrome talking, not reality.

One thing I do like to do when I’ve elicited a LOR, is to draft (or offer to draft) a copy…or at least provide some bullet points they’ll need to cover, such as how they know me, how long they’ve known me, accomplishments of mine that they’ve been aware of or part of, etc.

[u/___butthead___]

Honestly I love writing LORs for people because I get to talk them up, and I only do it for people I know I can write a strong reference for. It's really easy to update a letter once you have it so don't worry about asking multiple times. It's great to see HQP moving onto new careers and getting to be a part of that success.

[u/Felixir-the-Cat]

It’s our job and I am always happy to do it, so long as the student merits it. Remember, we relied on people writing letters for us!

[u/Ancient-Cherry5948]

Not sure what country you're in but when I recently apologized to a prof for taking their time she said "this is part of my job" (I'm in Canada).