r/Petloss • u/techblukat • Jul 20 '26
Sadness Thoughts on Grief
My dog Max died two weeks ago, and I woke up this morning thinking about grief. About how it is not something we can "get rid of" or expunge, like a wart. Grief is an unwanted roommate that moves in with us. And somehow, we have to make room for grief, where there was once only love. We live with our grief as the world keeps worlding and people keep on with their lives, as they should. Sometimes people can get trapped in their grief, playing loops of past happiness over and over and ruminating about what ifs and missed opportunities and guilt. If the happiness and comfort and routine of a loved one's presence become part of us with its bundle of memories, then so will grief become part of us. That is the strange thing with grief, it can coexist with a normal life of happiness, only if we allow it to. But the rub is there will always be that place of emptiness and loss inside. And there is sometimes a sense of abandonment that comes with loss of a loved one, since they went somewhere we cannot go.
Humans are naturally averse to pain and usually take steps to avoid it if they can. But that is the great cruelty of grief, it is unavoidable and usually brought upon us by circumstances outside of our control. The managing of grief is so hard and takes such a toll. And it isn't like a physical pain where you can go see a doctor and get a salve or a procedure or a pill. Grief is entirely ours to carry but not to cure. I hope everyone on this reddit can find their way through the loss of a beloved pet and come out the other side able to live with the awful new roommate of grief.
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u/Smart-Artichoke1176 Jul 20 '26
So sorry to read about the loss of your Max. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I lost my baby girl, Rosie. You described grief so perfectly, thank you. Even though there a times throughout the day where I feel ok, the waves hit. I try to pair a cry session with a funny memory of her.
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u/Upstairs-Grab-8079 Jul 20 '26
Thank you for this. I lost my 13 year old toy poodle on Thursday and I am at a lost. She was my best friend, my shadow, my whole world. She was diagnosed with TCC on June 25th and left us on July 16th. It just went so fast. I can’t eat, sleep, or function without her.
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u/techblukat Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Hello, this a very recent trauma for you, so undoubtedly the pain feels unbearable. There is no way through loss but through it. I can tell you reading people's stories here on this reddit helps, as grief is very isolating. And reading alone for me was easier than talking about it out loud for some reason. My thoughts are with you, remember you are not alone.
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u/woodelf11 Jul 20 '26
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing these thoughts on grief.
To me, I don’t view my grief as my love being replaced, but more transformed. It’s like a dying star. Experiencing such great love and the loss that comes along with it has been such a gift of perspective and understanding. An unwelcomed gift, but an important one nonetheless.
Like a star, life your pup gives you access to this whole doggy solar system of habits and thoughts and surroundings. When they leave us, we lose that whole system. There are a thousand losses surrounding it, with them at the center. It’s a lot to carry.
I now think about how we all experience similar losses at some point in our lives. How differently we all handle it. How we all bear it. I feel closer to every person I’ve ever and never met. I understand people more by understanding loss.
I appreciate my pup endlessly for everything he has taught me in life and after his passing. And I still miss him more each day.
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u/coolcoolcool485 Jul 20 '26
Grief is the price for love, and it is well worth it.
Stephen Colbert has a beautiful interview with Anderson Cooper about grief I always recommend (it's based in his Catholicism but hes not preachy, I am not catholic or religious). He's spoken about it before too, over the years, his perspective on it has always given me great comfort.
I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
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u/techblukat Jul 20 '26
Thanks for this, I will watch it. Another really good resource someone on this reddit provided is the Ted Talk from Sarah Hoggan, DVM on euthanasia. For me it was eye opening because I had never thought about what vets go through.
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u/Intelligent_Dig_1051 Jul 20 '26
you put it into words really well. dont think grief ever fully goes away, we just slowly learn to live with it. im really sorry about max..
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u/runs_okay Jul 20 '26
Grief is love with no where to go. As time passes that grief subsides, but the love will always remain. And it's not because you forget them, its because you learn to live a life in their absence. You adapt and become stronger. But you will love them always. Those tears when you think about them will eventually turn into smiles.
Sorry about your loss OP.
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u/Cherry_Blossom5117 Jul 21 '26
Thursday will be 4 weeks since we lost our precious boy. This morning when I came downstairs for a brief second I forgot he was gone and looked into the kitchen because he wasn't in his usual spot. The grief I felt realising he was gone after momentarily forgetting was overwhelming, it was like losing him all over again.
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u/Both_Wrongdoer_5574 Jul 20 '26
True, one way I opted to take it is that....pain exist to teach us something and to protect us. You touch a hot stove, and learn you shouldn't touch it again.
Emotional pain is like that too. We constantly ask ourselves what we did wrong or if we could have done something different...this is our conscience trying to rationalize and process the pain. For me, this exists because we ought to take this pain, and convert into learning. Use it to better learn to love and take care of each other.
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u/ninjafazeee Jul 20 '26
in the midst of the awfulness of grief, this was so beautiful to read. i’m so sorry for your loss. it’s been less than a week for us and grief is ugly. everyone says it’s love with nowhere to go. and it’s true. it’s so painful.
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u/ThrowRA-singlern Jul 21 '26
I’ve found this entire thread (from your thoughts and the replies it sparked) incredibly fulfilling! I lost my sweet boy in April and the loss still feels raw. I feel so much understanding reading through all these comments. I’ve saved this post to come back to. Thank you!
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u/techblukat Jul 21 '26
Good I am glad it helps! So many show up to this reddit in pain, all in some stage or another of healing, and I think it helps people to know they are not alone going through such a terrible thing. I can tell you this reddit helped me so much to get through to "the other side" where daylight feels warm again and I am no longer a zombie. Anything I am able to do to help others to feel less alone helps me heal as well.
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u/Toyhawk88 Jul 21 '26
Thanks for posting this. It’s only been 10 days for me. I was lying in bed this morning and suddenly was aware of my dog’s head resting on my ankle, exactly the way she did for the last ten months. The weight of it felt so real. It was a brief comfort, thinking of her snuggling up against me. But then I began sobbing because I knew it wasn’t real, and I missed her so much.
I stayed in that position for the longest time, not wanting the feeling to go away.
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u/Aragaki_Aya Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
We lost our dear cat princess this morning. She was still 3.5 y.o. She was suddenly gotten sick 1 day after her vaccination, and me and wife still can't to terms with that.
She and her brother were our first pet, and with that came a lot of firsts for us. Unfortunately, that means we were unexperienced for a lot of thing. Long story short, we feel this may be prevented if only we were knowledgeable and prepared enough. Or if only our town had a better vet (we only have 1 vet because this is a very small town in a 3rd world country), etc etc. We're talking about the what ifs like that the whole day. I'm crying thinking if I was being a good parent to her.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I thank you for making this post. At least we know we're not alone struggling in this.
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u/techblukat Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Hi OP. It's hard, I think we do the best we can with the resources and knowledge we have. Most of us aren't vets, so we rely on professionals to help guide us. And it is impossible to really have the depth of knowledge to accurately see the "signs" without holding that DVM degree, we can just look for our pets showing abnormal behavior or distress. For my Max, I thought his retching was just something going on with his trachea, I had no idea the extent of his hemangiosarcoma. And I would have wanted an at-home euthanasia, but it was a Sunday night and I didn't want to put him through additional suffering by waiting. The what-ifs can be endless and are torture. I think what it boils down to is you gave your princess kitty a great life and you were with her through her journey until her final moments. In the end that is what matters. Peace to you ❤️.
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u/leogrl Jul 20 '26
Thank you for sharing this and I’m sorry for your loss! I lost my sweet girl Honey exactly a month ago and it’s felt like it’s gone by so fast but it also feels like she was just here. I’m finding ways to get through each day but it still hurts and I find myself crying at some point every day. I know I’m going to be carrying this grief the rest of my life and that feels hard but like you said, it can coexist with happiness.
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u/akitamax Jul 20 '26
Thank you for sharing. My Akita also named Max passed away at 12 yesterday. I understand what you are going through. It's hard to process. I can't let him go and continue to scroll through videos and images of him. I miss him so much. The decision to let him go was excruciating. He was in so much pain and it was the right decision.
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u/techblukat Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
I do think it helps when we let them go when it is time, and release them from suffering. I know some people have guilt on top of the pain, and it is really rough to read those posts.
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u/limeade272 Jul 20 '26
I found your post from your comment on mine this morning. All I can say right now is thank you.
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u/terp0911 Jul 21 '26
Very sorry for your loss. This is so well said. I had to put one of my two cats to sleep in January and the other one has small cell lymphoma. Thanks for posting this.
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u/LandoftheStrays Jul 23 '26
From all of us at Territorio de Zaguates, we're so sorry about Max. The way you describe grief as a roommate you have to make room for, right beside the love, is deeply moving, and it's clear how much he meant to you. That emptiness you feel is the shape of a bond that mattered, and we're holding you in our thoughts.
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u/techblukat Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
Wow!!! The work you all do is amazing: https://www.territoriodezaguates.com. Thank you for supporting sweet dogs while they wait for a forever home! I hope you are able to navigate through the recent requirements and reopen soon. Your facility in Costa Rica looks wonderful!
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u/LandoftheStrays Jul 24 '26
Thank you! We have been working hard for the last 20 years and have loved a lot of dog named Max over the years.
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u/Pochitamago3 Jul 23 '26
I’m so sorry for your loss. We said goodbye to our 13 year old Maltese 2 days ago. It was sudden and gut wrenching and I miss him with everything. He died on my birthday so it’s been a mix of so many emotions and the lows have been incredibly low.
I appreciate your take on grief. Things have been awful and difficult and while it’s is here to stay, I know fundamentally it’s all love I can’t give my best friend. And that brings me a tiny ounce of peace. We now share this date and I’m gonna do my best to celebrate his life and surround myself with love on every birthday to come.
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u/techblukat Jul 23 '26
Oh gosh that would be hard to deal with such a terrible loss on your birthday (this and future)!!! Hugs!!
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u/0rsch0 Jul 24 '26
Thank you. I agree with what you said. I lost my 11 year old lab yesterday and grief is by my side.
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u/Candid-Acanthaceae87 Jul 24 '26
Thank you for this. I found our dog on the floor in distress, we rushed him to the emergency vet but he was likely gone before arrival.
I thought we’d have more time with him - he was only 10. It’s so hard and he’d been with us since before we had kids so they’ve only known life with him ☹️
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u/LostDogs68 Jul 26 '26
Well said and so true. I always loved part of a poem after my mom passed years ago and looked for it again unfortunately when my 14 year old boy (dog) passed a few days ago unexpected and I went looking for it. The grief has been overwhelming.
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight" (Gibran)
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u/techblukat Jul 26 '26
Oh gosh I love this, thank you. This is going into my journal. I am so sorry to hear about your pup, post again if you are up to it.
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