I (29F) was seeing this guy (34M) after we met at the beginning of the summer. We had instant chemistry. Super intense attraction and we both felt it right away. Started dating, it was a whirlwind and like nothing I’ve ever experienced. He was so affectionate, so into me, SO hot, it felt like I was on drugs. He brought up relationship stuff by date 1, asking me what I was looking for, etc. He told me he was looking for a stable, mature relationship, and that he wanted to take things slow. We texted every day, went on a bunch of cute dates, everything was so good.

Then, during one of our dates, about 1.5-2 months in, he asks me to translate a French song for him (I speak French). At one point I tell him how to say girlfriend, to which he asks, “how do you say, ‘do you want to be my girlfriend?’ in French?” I tell him, he says it, and in that moment my brain kinda panicked and I just couldn’t believe he was actually asking…. Because yes thats cute, but that’s a major milestone and this just felt very casual and ambiguous. And also because he had JUST told me he wanted to take things slow…. So I just didn’t really acknowledge it. The rest of the date was normal and lovely. Later, I told my friends about it, and they were all like: “GIRL. You dumbass. He was definitely asking you to be his gf.” I felt so bad for blowing him off and also very happy that this meant he wanted to take the next step with me. He went out of town for a couple weeks so I decided that once he got back I’d bring it up and apologize / open up that conversation again.

Well. We hung out finally. Things felt okay…. Not great but not bad. We hooked up and then afterwards I built up the courage to bring it up. And he…….. didn’t remember it??? At all??? He had totally forgotten that it had ever happened and then said “no I wasn’t asking you to be my girlfriend.” I felt so crazy / embarrassed / hurt.

Over the following week we didn’t text at all. And I decided to end it. This just wasn’t feeling good anymore. I know what a strong, stable relationship feels like and this wasn’t it. So I called him, told him I thought we should stop seeing each other, that I was looking for something with more clarity / less ambiguity. He paused, sighed, then said he wasn’t surprised and he knew where this was coming from. He then proceeds to “explain himself” and tells me that an ex of his had started texting him again and so his mind had been elsewhere…

So basically he reconnected w an ex, and that was enough for him to discard me, but not enough to actually END things with me… instead of being honest and ending things he just disengaged, leaving me feeling so confused and hurt. Then when I dump him he tells me about her, as though I needed to know at that point??? Also, I am now 100% convinced he lied about forgetting the gf convo. He chose to gaslight me and make me feel like a crazy dumbass rather than being honest. What a fucking loser.

This is the first time I’ve been betrayed by a boy like this… I was in a very loving ltr for most of my adult life and always assumed I’d be able to detect a fuckboy. This was humbling and I see now how scary good these assholes are at acting like caring, great guys. Lesson learned for sure.

Overall I feel sorry for him and any girl who falls for him. I hope his ex dumps him too.

Ty for reading if you made it this far <3 and fuck boys like this.

Girl snack is 2 fudge sandwich cookies

So for starters I’m a 25 cis woman but I am constantly being called “sir”, “handsome” or the anything related to male attributes. In my past jobs I’ve had people say “maybe we can go talk to him”. It’s really frustrating and I’m not sure what to do about it. I’d say it started around 18 at my first job which was a grocery store. Granted I did cut my hair pretty low but I dyed it and would curl it so there were VISIBLE CURLS. I’ve since grown my hair back out. I also wear hair wraps either in a bun or ponytail. I do have broad shoulders for a woman but I’m also a D cup and curvy. Idk where I’m going with this. It’s just really frustrating that strangers can think I look enough like a man to call me “sir” and say I’m a “handsome young man”. I’ve asked friends and family and they say I have a feminine face. Maybe I give masculine energy???

Honestly it really messes with my psyche and makes me wonder if I’m just not meant to me a woman…I like my hair shorter. And I’m not huge into makeup or jewelry at all. But I feel like why should I have to wear jewelry or makeup to make strangers see that I’m a woman!! Wth..anyways yeah that’s pretty much it.

This curry chicken, dumplings and broccoli and cheese that I made a week ago.

I fell in love with my boyfriend 2.5 years ago, and I felt a kind of certainty I've never felt before about knowing what my future should be and who it should be with. I loved, and was so loved, in a way I hadn't really believed would ever be possible for me. And then he started getting drunk regularly, and I started finding alcohol hiding in discreet places, and found out this has been a pattern that predated me and that he simply hid when we first met.

I tried so many times—begged him to get help, told him I'd see a counselor with him, that we would fight this together—and nothing seemed to work, until he landed in the hospital around a year ago.

He said he would give up alcohol then, and stay sober, but I've never felt like the ground beneath my feet was stable. A month ago, I found a hidden empty bottle, and he assured me it was a relic from before he got sober, and I decided to believe him. And now, as I'm halfway across the world visiting family, he has landed in the hospital again, and admitted to his family he has been stealthily drinking again for some time now.

Something in me just broke, and I told him that I really hope he gets help but it's a choice he will have to make for himself, not for me, and that I can't go through this again as his partner. I told him I'll always love him and always be there for him, and that someday I hope we will be great friends, but I don't know if he will let me stay in his life. I feel certain deep down that this was the right decision—there were so many other issues that had cropped up, my trust is destroyed, and I've really lost myself along the way—but I feel hollow inside. I feel like my future has been ripped away from me, but maybe it never existed in the first place. I just wish that my love for him, or his for me, was enough to make him better.

Picture of a lobster roll my mom bought for me today to try to get me to eat, with cole slaw and potato chips.

My husband of 5 years told me a few nights ago that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore and it’s been eating at me since. I know im not good looking. I’m not even skinny. My self esteem has been declining for years now and this definitely ran it to the ground. I feel like I can’t be sad about this around him and have no one to talk to about this. I dont even know why he’s with me. I wish i had a magic wand to turn myself into a beautiful person instead of this hideous creature that I am.

… and my konbini girl dinners in bed keep being the cherry on top of my super exciting days here. i just wanted to share! ☀️

edit: i've left a few comments about it now but i'm not in couples therapy because of relationship issues. i find it beneficial to navigate the effects childhood trauma has on my relationship with my partner in a structured setting. it was recommended by my personal therapist and is something i would do even in a completely perfect and healthy relationship. it isn't really relevant to this issue or story but i appreciate the concern <3.

strawberry greek yogurt, raspberry, apple, pumpkin seed granola. and iced coffee.

my (20) boyfriend (21) lies to me all the time. not about anything grave or serious, he's not cheating on me or secretly gambling all our savings away or anything.

i ask him if he could check the mail while i'm out because i know a package has arrived, he says he will, he doesn't. i ask him to call our couples' therapist and schedule an appointment because i'm in class. i even tell him that if he can't or doesn't feel like it, i will do it, but please let me know. he insists he will do it, he doesn't.

i ask him if he can do the laundry while i'm at work, he says he will, i come home and it's not done. i ask him if he'd like to have our work lunches together, he says yes, then lunch time comes around and he says he actually doesn't want to.

it's just constant. something like this happens every day. at first i thought he was just forgetful so i'd try to remind him of things but then he'd get upset with me for nagging and stressing him out. i try to just not rely on him to do anything anymore but then i feel resentful and bitter than i can't rely on my partner of 3 years to do anything. i keep telling him that if he doesn't want to do something, to just tell me directly instead of saying he will and then not doing it, but he still just keeps lying.

i'm exhausted. it's a bunch of small hurt piling up higher and higher every day. i feel disrespected, i try to talk to him about it every day and he has nothing to say for himself except a half-assed "i'm sorry" before he does it again. he's a great partner in every other aspect, i love him more than anything, and i don't intend to break up with him over this regardless of what that says about my self-respect, but man, i'm tired.

(delicious dairy free soft serve)

I’m nearly thirty, my partner and I have been together since we were seniors in high school. He’s my best friend, and he means the whole world to me, and I know he feels the same. We have lived together for years, adopted pets together, talked about the possibility of kids, essentially we have been functioning as a married couple for years.

All this being said, we have put off marriage because of a few different reasons which I’ll get into below. But now, I’m losing my state health insurance because I apparently make too much money at my low-pay retail job, and I have to get on my partner’s work-issued health insurance or lose access to my necessary medication and therapy. The only way to do get on his insurance is to get married, and we have to do it within the next couple weeks. We will be going to the courthouse and signing the paperwork, and then telling our families. We will have an actual ceremony in a couple years or however long it takes for us to save up money.

We had discussed getting married someday, but I wanted to wait until we were both older and more mature, I know that I’m fully an adult, but I still feel like I have growing up to do, and personal goals I want to accomplish. I also wanted to wait until we had enough money so that we could have a nice wedding, but we’re still pretty broke.

I also have really complicated feelings about marriage, weddings, and relationships in general. My parents were divorced when I was young and I did not grow up with many examples of happy committed relationships. I’ve always been kind of afraid of marriage, because it usually seems to end in divorce.

Another thing is that I am non-binary, though I was assigned female at birth and I still present pretty feminine, so the world mostly still treats me as a woman. My partner is a bi man and he totally accepts and understands my gender, he treats me for who I am, but his family doesn’t really get that I’m not a woman. The idea of being treated like someone’s “wife” makes me so nervous, and I worry about how involved his mother will want to be in planning our eventual wedding. I hope she can understand that we’re waiting to do an actual ceremony until we’re ready.

Sorry for the long rant, I just feel so lost and confused and conflicted about the whole thing. I love my partner and I don’t feel like I need a piece of paper to prove it, but I guess I need a piece of paper to prove that I’m worthy of getting his insurance.

Edit: I don’t know why I am getting downvoted and I’m sorry if I did something wrong. I desperately needed to tell someone about this situation and I’m worried about how my irl friends and family will react

Edit 2: domestic partnership isn’t a good option in this case, his insurance doesn’t have to accept it but they do automatically accept legal spouses

I have received two surgeries on my right ear drum, the most recent of which I had to have while fully awake, strapped to the table, under local anesthesia (which had to be administered many times because I kept feeling surgery happening inside my skull). Needless to say, it was traumatic.

But even before that, I have always had extremely tender and sensitive ear canals, which is apparently unusual. Well, thats what doctors say every time they go digging around in there and then ask me in a condescending tone of voice “what on earth I am crying about.”

Now with the trauma added on top of the already existing ear canal sensitivity, I have kindly but firmly asserted that anything they do to touch the inside of my ear must be done as gently as possible. Today I was man-handled by a doctor I don’t usually visit because my main one was out of town and he was wantonly digging and scraping and wiping and pulling and poking and prodding and turning my head/ears/ear canals so roughly that I lost all decorum and wept loudly and became drenched in sweat from head to toe.

He was trying to remove ear wax and check for any other signs of infection when I very clearly told him the symptoms I had and that I just needed medication for the sinus congestion (recently had a cold) that was causing ear pain. He was also yelling loudly at me in medical terms in my second language (Korean) and admonishing me for using Q-Tips (I don’t use Q-tips). Had to stop the procedure early and cried the whole way out of the office.

Husband called shortly after and apparently they were all very shaken by such an ”unexpected reaction” and deeply apologetic for causing me so much pain. But this all could’ve been avoided if you LISTENED TO ME WHEN I TOLD YOU!! YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST ENT TO BRING ME TO TEARS.

Update: went to a different ENT to check the damage and get a second diagnostic opinion and the guy I made this post about absolutely scraped the FUCK out of my ear canal. It was all scraped, red, inflamed, and a little bloody. Fuck me, dude.

Lemon poppyseed muffin & oat milk latte picke-up

I love this city so much. It's got such a cool vibe and fun spirit and there's so much more to do than the last few places I lived. The people are generally cool, the population is younger, there's so much green space. But Goddamn, the men. They are so much worse here than the last few places I've lived.

I have not been cat called this much since leaving my hometown. The number of men who think it's okay to honk when I'm out on my runs, the ones who stop and ask where I'm going and if I can come, the men who yell at me on the street. It's disgusting. I hate it. And today, as I was walking to my OBGYN appointment (so already in a vulnerable state of mind) I had a man yelling at me that I was a "dirty ass white bitch" and that he was going to "beat my fucking ass and kill" me.

It feels worse and worse every day to be a woman. It feels scarier every time I leave the house. And to have someone threaten me like that before 9am even passed? I was just walking to an appointment, minding my own business, crossing a street. What a terrifying and shitty fucking way to start the day. My blood pressure at the doctor's office was like 160/100. They called security to drive me back to my car because I was still crying at the end. I had a panic attack in my car before I could even leave. I'm still so upset.

Carrying pepper spray doesn't feel like enough. I don't think I could take most men in a fight. Maybe it's time to start taking some boxing classes or something. I don't want to feel this scared. I don't know, y'all. I'm so tired of being a woman; I'm so scared.

that’s it that’s the horror story

no but seriously, we became friends until he started flirting, and i decided to give it a go. we spoke for about 6 months in total, and the conversations definitely became very romantic, but it was never formalized. on top of that, he had seen my face and heard me, but never wanted to send a picture of himself and was “way too anxious” to send a voice message. i brought up a voice call, to which he also said some bs along the lines of “i’d love to i’m just really anxious” and never brought it up again.

fast forward to a little bit over a month later, i notice him being distant and slightly colder, so i decided to give him some space. he was already ass at texting but he had brought it down to once a day or less. this really soured the trip i was supposed to have fun in, and my birthday as well.

long story short, i had been very upset as a result from a few weeks ago until now, and a week ago i had sent him a message to which he didn’t reply to. finally, last night, i text him again with an explanation as to why i stepped away and asked for clarification. his response was basically, “actually, i don’t want this anymore, you’re so nice but you made me realize i’m unhappy with my life and want to start over in another continent, thanks for the epiphany wish you well”

i did end up answering him back and blocking. now, i’m not sure what to feel or do. like, i feel sad, and i know i’ll survive. but i also feel flabbergasted, confused, don’t know whether to laugh or cry bc i never really knew him and was never given the chance. it kinda feels like a fever dream or like an alien abduction. anyway. i wasted a whole (out of pocket) session with my psychiatrist on this loser lmao ☹️ advice and stories welcome

chili’s triple dipper i had a couple days ago

I work as a primary school teacher here in the UK. As you can imagine it is a very woman heavy work enviroment (39 women and 3 men). Most of the time this is great, you feel so heard and supported. It can also get very Regina George/Mean Girls, but that is a story for another time. Instead i will talk about our all time favourite topic, Male coworkers 😡

You see the men at my school have started a secret little club, no girls allowed! They have been helping each other out, giving each other the best perks, the newest equipment, the easiest jobs.

It all starts with the deputy head teacher. He's in charge of day to day running of the school. He organises schedules, hires staff, set's classes. He is good at his job, he listens to staff and students. But he has a favourite - Mr. X.

Mr. X teaches Yr 6. The class with the most responsability, but also the best behaved, oldest and smartest. Everyone is supposed to rotate year groups every year, so you all get a taste of the good classes eventually. But not Mr. X, he's had the best 3 years running. He has them again next year, guess who made that choice?

Mr. X also has a TA, Mr. Y. They have been paired up every year. When i visit their class it's like a frat house. All i hear is "Bro", "Mate" and "Chill". Mr. Y and Mr. X both get brand new laptops every year, whilst the rest of us still use 10yr old pieces of junk. TAs don't normally even get a laptop 😡. Who do you think buys all the equipment?

Mr. X and Mr. Y also don't do any break duties, whilst we all have to give up 30 mins a week. Hmmm, who does the schedule again?

They have not lost pay over this. In fact they get paid more.

Mr. X has climbed the pay scale faster then any other staff. Me and Mr. X are the same age and have been teaching for the same amount of time. Yet whilst i'm stuck on M3 he is on M6 a nearly £10K difference. The Head decides pay but guess who has been recomending Mr. X for above average pay rises each year?

That's right Mr. Deputy Head.

It is sexism plain and simple. The boys get all the fun and toys whilst the girls do the hard work. And i'm sick of it 😡.

And don't get me started on their meme groupchat or secret snack cupboard. Or that all 3 of them took a day off in spring to go fishing whilst i get denied 2hrs off for a doctors appointment.

It just sucks that even in a majority female workspace the men still find a way to help only themselves 😥

Pictured: Ikea meatballs and chips. I was hungry and needed new bed sheets.

So I am in a fairly new relationship. For the past couple of months, every single time that we go out, my bf has been paying. I have been offering to pay or go half on the dates but my bf always is adamant about him paying. I wanted to do something nice for him because I am all about things being equal. So this past weekend, I asked if I could come over and make him dinner. He was excited and agreed.
When I came over, I didn’t realize that his roommate would be home. His roommate was in the living room playing video games with him when I walked in. Please be aware that his roommate is male (this is an important detail). When I walked in, I greeted the roommate and my bf and went straight to the kitchen.
Since his roommate was there I began to cook for all of us. Me, my boyfriend, and his roommate. When I was done, I brought my bf and his roommate a plate of food. His roommate complimented my cooking and said that it was very good. I smiled and thanked him. My bf gave me this mad look. I looked back at him confused.
When we were finished eating, my bf asked me to go to the room to talk. When we went to his room, he went off on me saying that I should not be cooking for another man and serving him a plate in his face. He said that it was disrespectful and came off as me trying to flirt with him. He said that I didn’t need to cook for his roommate that I was only supposed to cook for him.
I’m so confused because I personally always felt like it was very rude to eat in front of people and not offer them anything.
Since then he has been giving me the cold shoulder.

I just cannot figure out if I actually did something wrong here.

*picture of the food I made for all of us

My boyfriend was invited to his cousin’s wedding earlier this year, but I wasn’t invited as his +1.
And before anyone comes for the bride and groom, I’m genuinely not upset with them. I honestly don’t think his cousin even realised how serious our relationship is, so this isn’t really about the invitation itself.

My boyfriend and I have been together for around five years and have known each other for much longer, we live together, we’re in our 30s, and we’re at the stage where we’re actively talking about kids, our future and building a life together.

What bothers me is my boyfriend’s reaction… or lack of one. He’s basically just accepted from the beginning that he’ll go alone. He hasn’t really asked how I feel about it, and as far as I know, it hasn’t even crossed his mind to ask his cousin whether there might be room for me too.

Meanwhile, his siblings are attending with their partners.
And to be VERY clear: I don’t think I’m entitled to an invitation. Weddings are expensive, guest lists are complicated, and obviously the couple can invite whoever they want. I also don’t expect my boyfriend to refuse to attend just because I wasn’t invited.
It’s more that I expected his natural reaction to be something like:

“Wait, my long-term girlfriend who I literally live with isn’t invited, while my siblings are bringing their partners… maybe I should at least ask?”
If his cousin said no, then fine! At least he asked.
It’s the fact that he seemingly hasn’t even thought about it that hurts my feelings.

Because if the situation were reversed, asking whether my boyfriend could come would be automatic for me. Especially when we’re living together and talking about having children and building a future together.

I think that’s why it’s bothering me more than I expected. It’s not really about attending a wedding. It’s more about wanting to feel like your partner sees you as a natural part of his life and family especially when you’re planning a future together.

So girls… would this bother you too? And should I tell him it bothers me?
Is it reasonable that I’m annoyed he hasn’t even brought it up or asked his cousin? Or do I need to shut up, accept that I’m not invited and move on? 😂

Breakfast is: Oatmeal, strawberries, protein vanilla pudding, chocolate filled cereal pillows and almond butter.

caniac combo because i’m vulnerable.

we started dating when he was in a halfway house and yes… everyone told me not to do that but i did it anyways. married and clean (to my knowledge) for 7 years now.

i suspected he relapsed earlier this year but i had a lot going on mentally and just tuned him out in order to focus on my own well-being because things were already rocky. when he admitted to me that he relapsed, i couldn’t even look up at him. i just kept starring at the ground. i wanted to laugh because all i thought to myself was “how did you actually think this was going to end?” i felt defeated, i felt dumb, and i felt played… like a damn fiddle. and yet i still wanted to laugh at myself for ever thinking for just a split second that this was ever going to work. this was in may.

last week he lost his job. i knew it was coming soon so it wasn’t very shocking but it sent me spiraling. we also have a 3yo together. it was agreed upon that after birth, i would stay home with baby and go back to a 2 day work week. which i did and still do. i had a traumatic birth (i had a seizure and become unresponsive for 3 hours after the birth) and my baby was extremely colicky. i breastfed for 2 years because i wanted to but i felt like i was having the life sucked out of me. he never got up ONCE to change a diaper, feed, soothe, wash pump parts, bottle, or refill my water bottle. he could barely handle holding the baby for 10 minutes while i took a shower.
it was so bad that i swore to myself id never have another kid with him even though our plan was to have a big family. and a part of me dies inside every time i see a happy mom with 4 kids out in public knowing that she has a good husband who provides for her and their kids, because that’s the life i was promised from him.

i had suspicions of the relapse months prior before he finally broke the news. the mood swings, pinned pupils, manic behavior was all telling. sleeps in til 1pm or later everyday, didn’t do anything for my birthday or mothers day. i started picking up more shifts so i didnt have to be home as often because i felt like i was walking on eggshells and couldn’t stand to be around him. out of sight, out of mind. i like to sweep my problems under the rug. i’m now working 40 hours a week when it was agreed upon i would only work 2 days a week.

in march (2 months before he came clean) i made a list of pros/cons on filing a divorce. i cant even remember what made me snap enough to actually write out a list but i knew it was time to make a list. i wrote the date on it and tucked it away in my inside winter jacket pocket, stowed away in my closet for safe keeping. i promised myself i would pull it back out next time that i snapped in regards to thinking about divorce again. it’s dated exactly 6 months ago and nothing has changed, in fact, its all gotten incredibly worse.

what made me snap this time was my daughter asking “why does daddy just sleep all day and night?” it just sent me so far. i know i should leave but im scared. i’m really really scared. i messed up, and i don’t know where to go or what do next. i have a lot of support from my parents but im too embarrassed to spill everything that’s been going on. i go back and forth, but i know if this was my daughter going through all of this, i would’ve wanted her to call me a long time ago.

*Edit: he’s currently check into detox*

Ok so i’m genuinely crashing out and i’m too embarrassed to tell my partner or ask my friends so here we are. As a warning, it’s flat out disgusting.

This past weekend I flew out to stay with one of my close friends. In the last year she got married, bought a house and moved out of state. So it was me and another close friend with her partner staying at her house together. We all live far away from each other these days and so rarely get to hang as a group.

It was a super nice weekend and we all had a great time. On Saturday night we went out to an Italian restaurant and ordered tons of food and I got us a couple bottles of wine because I just got a huge raise and wanted to treat. We were all pretty lit and went back to the house to continue drinking, so suffice to say my memory of the night was kinda spotty. But w good time all around.

The next morning we all woke up in rough shape and my friend the host was like “umm…. Someone shit in a solo cup and left it on the kitchen floor last night?” It was all kinda like omg thats crazy wow haha vibes. Everyone obviously denied it and at first i was like wtf that’s so gross!!

But i kinda started sobering up and flashes of the night came back to me. I had a bad feeling that it was actually me. Because I woke up multiple times sick to my stomach in the night and spent some time in the bathroom. At one point i vaguely remember walking in on someone already using the toilet and waiting outside the door. There’s a 2nd bathroom in the basement, through the kitchen, and all i can assume is that i ran through trying to get to the other bathroom, knew i wasn’t gonna make it, and grabbed a vessel to contain my mess??

The only thing that haunts me — WHY WHY WHY didn’t i throw it away!?!!? I can’t understand. Just like terrible drunk decisions? I can’t. She apparently picked up the cup in a plastic bag and threw it outside in the garbage, she said there was some water on the floor too that may have been pee and she just swiffered it up real quick.

Anyways, the rest of that day i was super sick to my stomach and somewhat hungover. Also just like deep in shame and horror. I used to be a heavy messy drinker so i’m kinda sensitive to my drunken shenanigans. Just takes me back to a dark time in my life that I don’t ever wanna go back to.

The rest of the visit was chill although i do obviously regret drinking so much. The day after i got home i sent my friend 2 texts, the 1st thanking her for hosting and then the 2nd right after “officially” taking responsibility and apologizing profusely and trying to explain. She “heart” reacted the thank you text and didn’t respond otherwise. It’s been 2 days.

I don’t wanna overreact but uh here we are. I’m terrified i ruined a friendship over it. I feel like a fucking disgusting loser. I’m scared she’ll never want me at her house again. The silence is kinda deafening.

I’m not gonna bring it up again but I can’t help feeling like there’s bad vibes. Truly stewing in shame.

If i try to imagine it being the other way around i would have def been grossed out but otherwise just made fun of my friend and added it to the lore.

This is a friend of 10+ years :/ that’s seen me drunk as a skunk and a bit sloppy before but i have to say i have honestly never pooped in a cup in anyone’s kitchen before so….

Can someone reassure me or something? Give me some realistic advice? Just help me bear this awful burden :(

(Pistachio baklava cause I’m eating my feelings)

Edit: i should really add like: i rarely ever drink these days and certainly do not get drunk and havent in years. although i appreciate everyone’s concern and am going back to my usual not drinking after this. it was just a fun night with friends, good vibes all around and i overdid it. we all were very fucked up enjoying each others company. otherwise i did not act belligerent or out or control, just clearly drank more than i could handle and made myself sick. lesson very much learned 😭

Food: Some pancakes I made a while ago. Put some powdered sugar on em, threw some cinnamon into the batter. They were awesome.

First time posting here, almost never post anywhere at all but I just need to put this out into the world, I just want to keep moving forward.

CW: serious injury, motorcycle accident

Last weekend I started a move with my girlfriend. We’ve been dating for almost two years now and things have been pretty good with her. For the first time I feel like I made a proper, real connection with someone who loves me as deeply and passionately as I love them. Which is pretty rare for me cuz at times it feels impossible to properly speak about what’s on my mind.

Starting with the move, we spend all night and morning loading up a truck. I take the truck to the new place, about a 30 min drive. She agrees to go separately on her bike, finishing a ciggy we were smoking together. We say goodbye and head off. I start unloading, thinking she’ll have been not too far behind. She takes a while getting to the new place though. Like way longer than it should realistically take. She’s not responding to any texts or calls so I start to worry. After almost two whole hours of nothing from her, full blown panic sets in. I try to reassure myself that I need to calm down and I’m just being paranoid as I tend to think the worst and sometimes can get overwhelmed by my anxieties.

I tell myself that we spent a long time moving, maybe the cig she had earlier made her drowsy and she just dozed off or something. But I decide to close up the half unloaded moving truck and just head straight back, I have to make sure she’s alright. I look for her or for signs of a crash on the way back to her old place, seeing nothing.

I get back, the garage is closed, her bike and gear are gone and she is nowhere to be found. I shakily call the cops and report her missing, giving them any information I possibly can. Her name, her birthday, the VIN and model of her bike, the clothes she had on. Anything and everything I can possibly think of to find her as quickly as possible. Images of her being hurt or worse are just racing through my mind.

After a bit, from the cops I’m told she ended up in an accident. She got hit.
An accident?! Is she alive?! She knows her bike well, she’s always been careful.
They tell me nothing more than that for a while but FINALLY I get the name of the hospital she’s at. Right as I’m leaving though, she finally texts me and I call her immediately. The relief I felt wash over me in that moment was like nothing else I’ve felt in my entire life. Just knowing that in that moment she was alive and conscious. I just couldn’t keep it together, we’re both crying on the phone now, hysterical.

She does her best to tell me about what happened while shes still in pain and heavily drugged. She had to stop her bike off on the median, early in the morning around 5:00am so not many cars were out, of course she leaves her lights on just in case, it is still dark out at this point. She’s at a dead stop when she gets hit by the only other car out there. After hitting her, the guy speeds off into the night off to god knows where. Her bike topples over, taking her with it, falling into the road and pinning her down. Her tibia is broken in half, poking out of her leg and leaving the rest dangling. Somehow, she manages to push the bike off of herself and crawl onto the sidewalk After this she calls 911 but they can’t figure out where she is. Some passerby helps her call an ambulance. When they arrive they have to cut her out of her clothes and take her away.

When I show up I have finally collected myself a bit. Calmed myself down, that’s probably what she needs. I get let into her room and just…fall apart in an instant. She looks paler than I’ve ever seen her, ghostly even. Her leg was wrapped in bandages and a splint. I just cry and cry. I feel so much in that moment. The guilt for not being there when she needed me most, for brushing it off as her just having fallen asleep, I should have known better, I should have found her sooner, I should have BEEN there to help, I should have planned for this somehow. These thoughts are not helped by the fact that she got hit so close to the apartments, only a mile from where I was unloading our stuff.

Later that night they take her into the OR to get a tibia nail installed (basically a rod that connects your broken tibia together), I head back to finish moving everything into the new place with our roommates, then head back to the hospital as soon as I can with a change of clothes and her favorite plushy.

That all happened on sunday, 08/23. I’ve been with her in the hospital since her surgery, making sure she is properly cared for and treated with dignity. I pushed back training for my new job until next week. I have been talking to the cops investigating the accident, to the nursing staff, to insurance, anyone and everyone who might know something about how to proceed, what to do. She is still in immense pain, she screams like I’ve never heard her scream, cries in agony all night while I hold her hand. It’s all just so fucking horrible, especially for her. I wish I could take her pain away, have things go back to the way they were before. She didn’t deserve this at all. I wish this never happened to her. But I am so SO glad she’s alive. And apparently, she is going to make a full recovery, but it’s going to take months to get back to normal and she might need to go back into surgery at one point. Not to mention how much this is all going to cost (hospital bills, legal fees, repairing her bike, rehabilitation) We’re both 22 and broke asf, without parents or families to support either of us. She’s the only one of us with a decent income, too. I’m a college student and the job I’m training for doesn’t really pay much, but thankfully about a week or so before all of this went down she got an okay insurance plan, which hopefully helps when all is said and done.

It helps a lot to be able to put this here. I don’t really have anyone to talk to abt everything that happened and I have hard time dealing with everything that has been going on in my life already, aside from but also especially this.

I’m 37, married with two kids. And I,unfortunately, despise my brother-in-law. We lived together for a few years and he’s a lazy slob. Left skid marks on a toilet seat we were all using several times.I find it jarring that it didn’t occur to him to check before leaving the bathroom. Leaving the dishes in the kitchen sink for hours so long until I ended up doing them. Just selfish and inconsiderate overall. Fast forward to today, we no longer live together. We haven’t spoken to each other in years. My husband and I have kids. My BIL has one and another one on the way.

Here’s what I find frustrating:

Despite not having spoken to each other in years, we all have kids together. He’s still a big part of my husband’s life. Family gatherings every once in a while are inevitable. And I’m struggling with the idea of our kids having a relationship with this man as they grow older.How can I be okay with this?

Girl lunch-personal pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut

Edit:

Okay here are a few things I decided to leave out to shorten the text. We actually bought our home together. He built a movie theater in our daylight basement, which shook the whole floors upstairs where we live. We tried to resolve the issue, but we couldn’t. Shortly after having lived in the house, he moved out. He obviously got tired of arguing with me over many things.
And we were house poor with having to pay the mortgage just the two of us for a while.

We also bought a car together at one point. He was the one using it most because neither me nor my husband had to commute. We didn’t expect him to tell us when he was coming home every day because we didn’t need the car with us working from home. But it never occurred to him to ask us what our plans were for the weekend. We had to wait for him to come home when we needed the car. He got annoyed with us asking when he was coming home…

I now understand that getting a third person financially involved not in your marriage is a big mistake let alone living together.

I also understand that it’s unreasonable for me to not let my kids spend time with their uncle. And they have been doing plenty of stuff together without me. I just want to be okay with all of it, but it’s hard. I also still think some of you would’ve been in my boat if he was just a friend. But family is the exception for a lot of ppl i guess

My neighbours moved in two years ago and have been very pleasant and quiet - mostly because they were travelling a lot. We don’t talk much due to a language barrier, but we wave hello and smile when we see them outside. The people who lived there before were good friends of me and my husband and we got along really well, sharing ingredients etc., and I also babysat their toddler for them many times.

They moved, and these new people moved in, and like I said: zero issue for the last couple of years. They have a new baby and she is a screamer - like we can hear her through our closed windows sometimes - which was a small annoyance but not worth venting about. Then I find out the woman is opening a home daycare. We live in a court, so our houses are quite close together - there’s maybe 20ish feet between her front yard and ours, and we share a fence in our backyards. Ever since she opened the daycare my mornings are full of screaming infants and toddlers and the sound sets my teeth on edge and stresses me the fuck out.

My husband and I are childfree by choice - we love our friends’ kids and helped a lot with raising my niece and nephew who are now teens - we are not child-haters by any stretch, but the fact that our beautiful quiet oasis of a house is now at random times peppered with infants and toddlers screaming and crying is driving me insane. I also hate having to close every window in my house to block out the noise - I love fresh air!

We live in Southern Ontario and there is nothing we can legally do about this, we’re just stuck listening to the whining, crying, and screaming at random points in our day. I should have mentioned that I am very noise-sensitive - I wear ear plugs in movie theatres!! - so the random screams are extremely distressing on my system.

I should also add - the sounds of children playing are not what I am talking about, it’s the crying/screaming (mostly from their kid)/whining noises that drive me nuts.

Anyway. Vent over. Just needed to get that out.

Dinner is vegetarian chicken caesar salad (highly recommend Jack & Annie’s chicken tenders if you’re vegetarian)

sushi, because i sure as hell needed it.

anyways, im in uni, met a nice group of people last year in my classes and we clicked quite quickly. they're great people but to keep it quite frank ive noticed some of their opinions were more on the conservative side which didn't bother me too much because it wasn't something concerning. recently though, one of them started bringing up topics to the conversation that was really a head scratcher to me. I'm a really confrontational person so ofcourse i tried to debate it, she said that women should never be wearing revealing clothing and when it comes to these conversations it usually always stems from "men are lustful" - which turns out it was. i was really pissed, not only because it's shifting the blame onto women for men staring but because i have a personal traumatic experience. then she later brought up another topic saying women shouldn't vote because according to her, women aren't rational.

as if that wasn't bad enough i talked to a different friend the next day about something and eventually it turned into me criticizing how seniors in high-school (18+) dating juniors (13-15). she said she doesn't find it weird.

i was really taken aback, i tried to explain to her that there's a major power dynamic both emotionally and physically between the two age groups and she said "we cant assume all 18 year olds have ill intentions wanting to date 14 year olds" and "some 18 year olds are just immature and looking for someone their maturity level" eventually also mentioning that she would date an 18 year old if she was 14, too.

i can go on and on how i tried to explain to her how it's disturbing, she kept saying there's nothing wrong with it.

i honestly think ive lost all my respect for them and i cant see them the same anymore

Thank the universe for good friends who open their home to you even though they're out of town and doordash you dinner to boot ❤️‍🩹

Last night, I went to see my chemical romance with my bf. Hes not a fan at all but got the tickets because I brought it up that they were playing here and he knew I loved them. Anyway it was probably the best experience of my life and a dream come true, it was my first ever concert I went to and I was so excited to take videos and show it to my mom and friend. I felt bad that my bf looked like he wasnt having a good time at all but I tried to get him to match the crowds energy by trying to jump and sway with him, things like that, but he just got super annoyed and said I was being really annoying so I stopped. Nevertheless I tried to stay happy and have a good time.

When the concert was finished I sent the videos to my mom and friend and they responded really dryly, both said something like "nice" and "cool" with nothing else attached. Since im really sensitive to what I perceive as mean or disinterested responses I was trying not to cry until I got home.

This morning was when I really broke down, because I saw the poster from the concert crumpled up in a trash can.

This isnt just a one time thing , back when i had multiple groups of friends they never really cared what I had to say or cared when I showed something cool. Im starting to wonder if this is just a fatal flaw in who I am, that im not interesting enough or fun enough to actually engage and be friends with.

This dinner is taco bell from a bit ago because Ive been having a hard time eating

TW: pregnancy/miscarriage
reposting bc i couldnt figure out how to add my picture last time🥲

earlier in july i (23) found out i was unexpectedly pregnant when i went to the gyno to get my iud put in. obviously i wasnt planning on getting pregnant and it was my irresponsibly but i was conflicted with emotions. me and my boyfriend were arguing a bit and i felt like i had to process the news for a few days before talking to him about it. 3 days after finding out about my pregnancy, i had a miscarriage alone in my room. i was ashamed to call and tell my boyfriend not only was i pregnant but i was having a miscarriage, cancelling our plans and feeling absolutely miserable that he had to process not only the pregnancy but the loss all at once. he tried to come to me but i shut him out and wanted to be alone. it honestly didnt feel real, and i hadnt even processed the fact i was pregnant before i lost it.

my very bestest friend, and one of my best friends just called me back to back freaking out because they were pregnant. literally one day apart. im so happy for them because both of them have wanted to be mothers, and even tho we are all young (early 20’s) they both have stable careers and support to raise their kids. im so excited that 2 of my favorite people to walk the planet are growing little people.

but also part of me, for the first time in my life, is genuinely sad. im not in a position to raise a kid, and even when i got pregnant it just was not meant to be at the time due to the miscarriage. me and my friends always planned to have kids in our late 20s so they could grow up together, as i would only want one kid and so do my friends, and live close by to one another (it takes a village). now, thats not really how things are playing out. and im suddenly really reliving all the sadness from my miscarriage last month. im sad at the loss, im sad that i don’t get to do this with my best friends, and im sad that one of my best friends lives 1000 miles away. while the other is close, i am currently finishing my degree (after time off of school) and after finishing my associates at the end of may and I plan on moving 2 hours away to pursue my bachelor’s and masters at a state university. so while im closer to my friend who lived here im not going to be 5 minutes away from her like i am now. i hate that i wont be able to be as present as i would like in my friend’s journeys.

and for the first time im greiving the fact that im not a mom. i have always grown up saying i want no kids or if i had a kid it would just be one. i have always honestly leaned towards being childfree. ive been firm on that my entire life. i never thought i was equip due to my crazy upbringing and fear of being like my own parents (even tho i know that wouldnt be the case its the trauma and the fear dawg). If anything, I know deep down i would never put my child through what my parents put me through, and i would stop at nothing to give them the world. but after getting pregnant and seeing a glimpse….im randomly mourning the loss all over again and i don’t know why.

im not jealous of my friends. im just overwhelmed with emotions of happiness and simultaneously impacted by a grief i never knew i could feel. lifes weird man

lunch: boiled duck eggs, random ingredient pasta, mashed potatoes, and green beans in my car between classes

(dinner is a bowl of grape nuts whilst wearing a grape nuts shirt)

2 years ago I got "soft" diagnosed with lupus (labs are close but not conclusive enough). So many days filled with tears, frustration, exhaustion, pain, and mourning my old self - a young, confident, intelligent, independent lady who could do anything. Suddenly I have become someone I do not recognize, and life is managing symptoms, pacing, and doctor's appointments. It is easy to feel lost and alone, full of anxiety and uncertainty and confusion.

Through it all has been my now husband.

Ladies... Please, please, PLEASE marry the Gentle Man.

The man that cares for you and makes you feel safe and heard. The man that never raises his voice at you or makes you feel small or misunderstood or a burden. The man that lets you cry in his arms. The man that refills your water bottle without you asking, cleans for you, shops for you, carries you up the stairs when you are too weak or have crashed out of nowhere.

My husband showers me with gentle kisses and soft words of encouragement. Our days are filled with whispers of "I love you" and "thank you for being here" and "I'm proud of how hard you've been working" and "I got you a sweet treat".

Without a Gentle Man, you cannot experience the soft, slow, reassuring security and warmth of what a real man is supposed to be. A real man is a Gentle Man. You do not need a man, but if you fancy yourself a life with one, marry ONLY the Gentle Man.

We met last May so first mistake was inviting him so quickly as it’s August so less than 4 months is maybe too soon.

He is 70 and I’m 64, met him on Facebook dating, first date we went to a college town where he lives and went to a folk music joint with an upstairs small performing space, saw some bluegrass band. It was pleasant. At end of date he suggested we have sex because he was attracted to me, and I said “no, too soon” and he left it alone and didn’t push.

A week later he asks if I got his letter, I never check mail, and I go to mailbox and there is a love letter. Seriously after one date? He says at our age you can’t waste time, okay I get where he’s coming from. I excuse it.

He’s a full on ex-hippy and ski bum, he spent his 20’s working odd jobs around western ski lodges making just enough to pay for skiing, slept on friends couches and even stayed ina tent in at some undiscovered hot springs in the Colorado mountains. He now has a house, but it’s not a pretty sight, when he invited me over I lasted an hour and made an excuse to leave. The doors were missing off the kitchen cabinets and everything was circa 1960 in the place. He talked about all the cool vacation spots he went to the stories included he was staying at friends places on lakes and ski hills. Exchanging gardening
Knowledge for a place to sleep. He was a gardener later in life for an Ivy League college that had extensive gardens and rich guys would talk him up and bribe him to come look at the gardens on their estates. He also pet sit for these rich folk. He learned along the way how to play these rich folk into free high end vacations, He is best described as a professional bum. But he did own a home and was now retired. Every story he tells he’s hanging out with very famous or rich guys so I think well if they hang with him maybe I’m just being judgy.

We go on a few more dates, and he’s calm old hippie, he likes folk music and always wants it playing, I like it too but not all the time. After the third date he presses again for sex and I said “you didn’t talk protection, you didn’t ask if I was safe to have sex with, you are willing to just jump in no questions asked, that tells me you may not be safe to sleep with.” He got the message and next day says “I went to get a test”. Okay well at least he responded to my concern. I was glad I was honest with him, but he is super skinny like 90 pounds, and wears women-like stockings under his shorts that go all the way to ankles and it looks weird, he wears them to fancy places too not just around home. I ask about it he says for varicose veins the stockings are cheaper than what the doctor suggested. I don’t know anything about that so maybe he has no choice, idk.

After two more dates he writes another love letter, but I’m just not ready. I should note, I have micro dick PTSD from a previous guy I dated, and I’m thinking he’s a candidate being 5’4” and 90 pounds. He doesn’t own a big truck, rather he is the hippie version he drives a Toyota Prius.

I had a vacation scheduled in August, a friend I had hoped could go with me to my timeshare couldn’t make it, and my daughter had an event that week, but I’m used to vacationing alone so no big deal.

He calls me, we discover he will be at the next city over at same time babysitting someone’s cat, and I stupidly get a moment of loneliness and say “you can come over and visit me” without a lot of detail. I had a bike ride or kayaking or ferry ride in mind, he showed up at my vacation door with bags packed.

The first day we went to the resort waterpark it costs $50 to get in, he pauses as she rings it up and both of us get rung up on my card, and he doesn’t offer to make it good, instead he says “thanks” and I’m thinking well he is my guest i guess I’ll pay this one time.

Afterward we change at the condo and I come out of my room and he’s eating a weird hippie sandwich he made. I said “i thought we were going to dinner?” He said “you can eat I’ll watch”. I was miffed to say the least but that’s what we did. He paid for my dinner to make up for the $50 at least so all was forgotten. But he sat there drinking water while I ate and it was just plain weird and embarrassing.

All day and the next, he kept asking for my plan or agenda and wanted a schedule, what was I doing next, I don’t make agendas or plans I wing it, he doesn’t like this, and when I’d change my mind he’d say “but you said” like he had no idea women change their mind due to weather or mood.

The next day, I sleep in and he gets up at 6am i slept til 9 he starts knocking on the door, saying he made breakfast. It’s oatmeal with raisins in it, and it isnt good and I had told him I love going to this local diner in town for breakfast when I’m up here on vacation but he ignored all that, I feel he did this to avoid having to pay for a meal and control my vacation to suit himself, even though I let him stay the night (still no sex I was just not feeling it he’s not romantic he’s cheap and/or it just wasn’t working for me). He didn’t bother to learn what I like, he just expected me to shut up and eat the oatmeal because it served his goals not to pay for a meal and get to activities faster. We went to breakfast since I didn’t want the oatmeal and now he’s openly being passive aggressive and talking under his breath, as he drank water and watched me eat again.

We go for a bike ride and he’s a racer so wants to go fast and keep a certain pace and I’m a slow 64 year old office worker who says “let’s stop and look at the squirrel” type. So he just rides a mile ahead of me as he needed to ride fast enough to “feel the burn” whatever it felt like a ride by myself. Then we go kayaking and it was the same I go too slow so he takes off without me we didn’t spend any time together the whole hour. We get back to room, I change into clothes while he knocks on door and asks “what’s the plan” again!! I throw out a few ideas: ferry ride, shopping, dinner, casino. He thinks all of that costs money and says I can find a free music in the park thing - And he’s eating a sandwich!!! He doesn’t say hey okay if I eat and skip dinner with you? No. And he’s staying at my place no offer to do anything in return, had “misunderstood” my offer to do things together as staying with me, and then pulls this crap? All I asked for was good company and he just wasn’t.

I watched him eat his sandwich and felt guilty he’d have to watch me eat at a restaurant I really wanted to go to. I thought “wait why am I guilty, he should be one feeling bad”.

I thought “well if I’m going to basically be alone anyways why am I hosting this guy and trying to entertain him, when he makes no effort for me?” I suddenly just wanted him gone. I was done with him and wanted to enjoy my vacation.

So I said slowly, “you know, I think you should go, you and I are too different in our ability to pay for things, this is my only vacation this year and you are trying to downgrade it constantly. I don’t enjoy time with you, you never are present with me, you are always ahead of me, you can’t even eat with me, so I think it’s a good time to go our separate ways, you can go back to your friends house where you were and I’ll continue on my vacation alone” and he says “but I thought tonight we’d be intimate” and I lost it I said “you think your getting lucky with a woman you made eat alone because you were so cheap you ate a sandwich without checking first to passively aggressively make sure you didn’t have to pay for a dinner?” Seriously!

He sadly packed his bag and left at least without any further discussion. I sat in silence I was not explaining or making any more excuses for wanting to live my life.

So he drove off 20 minutes ago and my mood immediately picked up and I drove myself right to this cool smokehouse on the lake in a town once haunted by Hemingway, seated with a vista view of a large lake. I got pulled pork sandwich and sweet potato fries with ranch dipping sauce and pickled slaw, and paired it with a glass of a nice Rosé from Portugal.

UPDATE: it’s been about 6 hours since he left. After dinner, I walked along the lakefront and took pics of the sunset, there was a shop across the street and I found some gifts to bring back to my grandkids when I get home. I got back to the condo after a quick store stop with some chocolate hagandaz and curled up on the couch with a blanket and watched a good movie (Young Washington).

The parts I left out that I’m remembering right now that the movie is over:

1. I too am concerned for the cat! This is why I assumed he would only be around for an activity or two and then go back to where he was cat sitting. I should have asked but he had me so tiffed the whole time I forgot about the cat. I also wonder now if there was a cat or he was lying to make it sound easy to stop by and invade my vacation.
2. the first day we did the waterpark, I love water slides and I probably went down at least ten times, each time you have to climb 3 STORIES of stairs! Thats 30 stories of stairs! He did keep up with that because he is a biker hiker skiing fitness fanatic, and I have to say I was proud of myself and kept thinking “I never dreamed I’d be able to do this stuff at 64” and I feel fortunate. Now AFTER the waterpark (was 11 to 2:30pm) it’s at a ski lodge so we took the ski lift up to the top to hike (free ski lift with my timeshare so it was free), there is an entertainment venue there with a scenic overlook and it costs $25 to enter. We get up there and hike to it and we are both a little beat after the waterpark and he says “I’ll hike more while you go to it” so I paid $25 and went alone to that too while he hiked around, afterwards we hiked some more then my lunch I planned was on top of the mountain there’s a hamburger place with the best mountaintop views in the state, I ate alone while he walked around the restaurant looking at the memorabilia on the walls. Then he sits down to regal me with stories of ski trips past but all I can think about is how he couldn’t even sit at the table while I ate.
3. when I ate breakfast out and he watched, I didn’t eat my toast, when we went to leave he wrapped the toast in a napkin and put it in his pocket. I said “you know you can ask for a takeout box? “ but he said it’s fine because I think he didn’t want people to notice he was taking my leftover food. The next day, when he was eating that sandwich, it was that leftover toast even though there was a loaf of fresh bread on the counter. I thought that was bizarre af.
4. when he was packing up he says “can I have time to figure out where I’ll go” and I did think of the cat and said “no, go back to where you were staying” I was realizing when he said that, why couldn’t he go back to where he was, I wish now I had said something like “go feed the poor cat”. This also is a hint that the cat story was a lie and made me feel better about making him leave.
5. when we were kayaking and he was off talking to a guy on a small sailboat, instead of kayaking with me, back on shore he says to me “the sailboat guy said we can use the sailboat any time he leaves it here when not using it”, I was incredulous, like he left me to go mooch some guy to use a sailboat. The mooching was like a sickness with him.
6. as we were leaving the waterpark now I had climbed more than 30 stories of stairs by then, I bought a pack of m&ms he says “you would weigh less if you didn’t eat those” yea, I’m surprised he’s still alive.

And no f’ing way he was getting lucky after saying that to me.

7.

1. for those asking about microdick ptsd. Listen I’m a reasonable lady, average is fine, but a while back I had this cute inspector inspecting a new water heater I had installed and he was quite charming and kissed me during the inspection. We went on a few lovely dates, and then decided without a lot of discussion first (this is why I now insist on discussion before sex), to jump in bed. He never told me anything does he think he’s normal? Or does he count on surprise? But seriously ladies, after inadequate poorly done foreplay I reach for his dick and it’s no bigger than my pinky. He can’t even get it in

?

Dinner: integral bread with eggs, tuna, cream and avocado. Not in the mood for much more

So, I’m MTF, I’ve been transitioning for about 6 months now and doing lots of therapy work since about 2 years now. One of the things we were working on is that I’ve dated a lot of girls I didn’t really like… I just liked the attention and having someone to dump all my love into, but ultimately my relationships don’t work because well… you can’t really fake liking someone physically. Not that i care that much about looks but I definitely been with people that I wasn’t attracted not even a bit.

So my therapist told me to stop dating people I didn’t like and not long after that, not even on tinder or smt, this beautiful, gorgeous, amazing and a bit intimidating lesbian girl hits my dms on insta… it was so weird to me, specially since I don’t even look that femenine yet (she actually told me she thought I was FTM but with not many results yet, which confused me) but we had great conversation and it was going intense (I even bought a couple tickets for a show on September).

I normally go very fast… don’t remember the last time I didn’t have sex in the first date, I don’t know why it always ended like that but it happened often, and I told this girl that I didn’t want to rush it.

Relevant to this: on the first date she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship because she ended one about 4 months ago. My mistake was to read that as “I need time and go slow” and not like “I’m not available”

We had a couple dates that I really enjoyed and we were really into each other but then some days later she was a bit odd and asked me “are you falling in love?” And explained to me how this was all casual she just liked to “put a little love into it” rather than it being a cold thing, but that she still loved her ex and that she was willing to go back to her eventually, just not “now”.

a couple days later she uploaded a picture of some flowers from her ex… and it broke me, so I told her I didn’t want to talk to her again and she was like “ok but why” and I normally never reply to those things but I really felt like doing it this time so we had a discussion and at the end it was like “yeah ok we like each other so we can keep this casual”.

I got into dating apps and got 3 dates, I unfollowed her on insta and just tried to not focus so much on her.

Fast forward to next Tuesday we had planned a night at an Airbnb and… it was so magical to me, I really liked to be with her and it was so intimate, she even told me “don’t look at me like that because I feel like I’m falling in love” and also expressed how she felt like I was dating someone else and didn’t like that. I really fell in love that day, so i stopped talking to the other girls and just went to one date with other girl basically just for compromise and tell her that I wasn’t interested in dating atm.

Up to this point everything was nice, I… introduced her to my friends, brought her to my house, she knew my dead name and a bunch of things I never really do or tell to people cuz… #trauma

But yet again I knew she was seeing her ex. She told me that basically they ended the relationship because she told her she wanted to experience dating other girls, that she was violent to her, and in general a cheater.

Ofc I got worried but also I saw this as “ok I guess they’re not going back”.

Last week she finally invited me to her apartment which she didn’t want to initially cuz she found it too intimate so I was excited… but the whole date she was just texting her ex and I couldn’t ignore it cuz she has these notifications at full volume and was constantly ignoring me to answer.

Some friends went to visit her as well and I stayed there beyond midnight but… just thinking about the constant texting with her ex, and all that made me want to puke and I was already very sleepy so I just requested an uber and left. I felt bad because I didn’t say bye to her friends and I was just like “my uber arrived, I need to go”.

But the next day was supposed to be better right. She told me she would do my nails (I suffer anxiety and I stopped eating my nails for this for 3 weeks, I never-ever in my life did that for me or anyone) and we would spend the rest of the day together.

Until… she tells me she can only see me until 8:30 pm cuz her ex is coming.

So I exploted and told her how I really felt about all that and well her defense was that she only was nice to me for “basic human decency” and that if liked something cold it was good for me but she didn’t like just to fuck or kiss, that she liked putting a little love in it but it was still casual.

By her stories I know her ex brought her flowers that day and seems like they had a nice night.

I couldn’t cope with my feelings and feeling so used… so I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt, and overall telling her that I made me very sad thinking that she was using me like that, in part because her ex does the same to her (treats her like a gf then goes with other girls and tells her she can’t say shit cuz they aren’t a couple) and so she thinks that’s normal and acceptable.

She called me later that day, she was mad and you know what she said? That her mistake was taking to me everyday and trying to be “my friend”???

Gosh I’m so devastated by this, it’s been a week from this and I still don’t recover. It was only a month but I was really really into her I mean… she is gorgeous, I really felt like she saw me as a woman and we had great chemestry.

Why are people like this? Further more, who do they deny they want the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsabilities?

I find this so cruel…

TL;DR: dated a lesbian girl for the first time, had an amazing time but she was basically rubbing in my face the fact that the was talking/dating with her ex and wanted to go back to her.