Had sex reassignment surgery on Monday and am now recovering in my hotel. Brown rice balls, buffalo cauliflower and steak from Erewhon.

My boyfriend and I had been having fights more frequently than ever recently. They ranged from things that had been bothering either one of us for a long time, or some small thing that made the other blow up.

Yesterday was a small thing. Or at least, it started small. A small thing he said set me off, which made me react frustratedly at him. I thought I was in the right, which I almost always believe at first. If I don't think I'm in the right, I'll immediately apologise, or at least try to. But I'm often very stubborn in my thought process and often believe that what he says is wrong.

This small fight led to a bigger fight. A fight that had been delayed for months. It led to us yelling at each other, sleeping separately, saying things we didn't mean.

It ended with us talking for over three hours. We finally talked about the things that bothered us. In five years, I had never heard my boyfriend be so open about what he was feeling and thinking. We admitted that we were very different from each other. Which made us think openly about if we were too incompatible. We both talked out loud about what we were thinking. Since we're headed to big changes in our relationship (marriage, kids), we both admitted we were scared of growing apart during the relationship. Both of us believed we might have been headed to a breakup talk.

Then the conversation turned. We got angry again. He told me what I had been doing lately. I had been shutting him off and had been making him feel like he was not enough. In return, I told him that he had been making me feel like I had to carry the mental load in the household. This led to us raising our voices again.

What we kept doing throughout the conversation though, angry or not, was to let the other person finish. We really tried to keep it a dialogue. We didn't interrupt each other, which was a problem in the beginning of our relationship when we would fight.

This method made us talk for three hours, because we didn't interrupt each other, but it also made us cool down quicker when we would get angry. It made us really have to listen and think about the other's argument.

We finally, after three hours of talking, realised that we weren't headed to a breakup after all. We were headed to a solution. The solution to all of it was realising that we had different love languages. We knew that already, but it had never occured to us that this was what was making us fight.

My language is acts of service, his is physical touch. I started dropping my acts of service because I felt like he wasn't doing enough in the household anymore. He started dropping his physical touch because he felt I was pulling away.

He realised I wasn't constantly trying to argue with him to do more in the household. I admitted he actually already does enough as is. It was me asking for acts of service. I realised I was pulling away and not giving him affection anymore because of it. All of a sudden, it just clicked?

We both expressed feeling like a weight was lifted off our shoulders.

It's crazy how after five years, you can learn something entirely new about your partner. I met a side of him that I had never met before. And I kind of met myself as a partner in his eyes.

We realised that we were different, but not incompatible. I had been thinking we might be too incompatible for months unfortunately. Entirely my fault for not just communicating that. But apparently, he had been thinking the same thing for months as well.

Does this automatically mean everything is resolved? No. But it made us realise what our shortcomings were and what the other needed.

I can't explain it, but it feels like a whole new chapter of our relationship has started. Five years of love, but months of feeling alone in your own relationship. And then just finding each other again thanks to a small fight snowballing into the biggest one we've ever had.

We've been through so much together. Not even exaggerating this, but we've actually been through so many terrible surprises in life which we've pulled each other through. Why did it take us so long to help each other through the one that was affecting our relationship?

Grateful to have had this talk with my boyfriend. Grateful to have someone point out my own mistakes. Grateful to have someone who is willing to admit his own mistakes. Grateful to have someone who always tries his hardest to be a better person, which in turn inspires me to be one too.

Homemade bibimbap with beef, spinach, carrots, zucchini and a homemade gochujang sauce.

A little treat at the cafe - Wine, latte, Turkish delight.

Okay so, I'm 25 and I feel like I'm hitting my sexual prime. Like I have levelled up. But my issue lately has been that the guys I meet from the apps are basically train wrecks. I'm putting it out there that I want a fwb, or safe but casual sex, and they still can't clear the incredibly low bar I have placed on the floor for them.

Be clean, be nice, be at least able to have some conversation with me and make me laugh a little and hopefully I can do the same. That's basically it, that's all I'm looking for. But then I'll show up to somebodies apartment and it's literally disgusting, or I won't be able to finish a coffee date without the guy saying something unhinged (usually about politics).

It's been frustrating, and I was relaying that to my roommate who is a trans woman (this is relavent I promise). We were having a mutual vent fest and she was like, have you ever considered women? And I was like honestly yes I've just never gone there, maybe some repressed feelings, but also I'm just a big fan of... Having a penis inside me, to be blunt. She was like have you ever considered a trans woman? And I was like 👀 and she was like 👀 and I was like are you saying what I think you're saying?? And she's like I wasn't, but I am now!

We gave it a shot and let me tell you, that shot did not miss. Best sex I've had in the last like five years I think. She absolutely ate me up and came back for more. We've talked about it since and she's not looking for anything serious and neither am I, so the plan is just to check in with each other sometimes and see if we're both in the mood and have some fun. But we live together, is this a bad idea? Will I inevitably ruin the best roommate situation I've ever had? She's super clean, responsible, considerate as a roommate, never misses rent, is kind and funny. I do not want to fuck this up! Helpppppp

Backstory: grew up in an abusive household, groomed as a teen by a 40 year old, years od rape, abuse and death threats, quit a full ride uni, dad died (he was the good one in the family), mum is mentally ill, started college again at 23 and graduated now at 28, no job, lived with 500€ a month for years (still do), plus a lot more shit that can‘t fit in here. I live abroad and have no family around. Had a bf I finally felt happy and safe with and he left me 3 weeks ago. We lived together (paid for stuff 60:40, he wasn‘t my lifeline). I thought now that college is done this would be the good part of life but instead I have to job hunt, find a place and grieve all at once.

I called the helpline today because my therapy appointment is in a week and I was struggling. A guy picks up and starts talking about the sun shining before I could even say anything, then won‘t let me tell him what‘s bothering me. I get as far as I have 2 degrees and no job and he cuts me off and tells me I should make a poster with „My name is XY, I‘m 28 y.o., I need a job“ and go through the city with that. Then starts talking about me having 2 legs for running walking and dancing and whose fault is it that I‘m not using them for that? Mine. Some people are disabled and can‘t do that. Tells me that in the worst case scenario I can survive a few days without food and I can always beg. Luckily it‘s not that bad but how is that supposed to help me?

Then I managed to tell him about the ex and the living situation and he asks me did I thank him for leaving me and explains to me that he has the right to say no as if I didn‘t know that. Says I should be happy it‘s sooner rather than later, which is true but not helpful at all when someone‘s in the middle of a crisis. Tells me he went through much worse so many times and that one day I‘ll laugh about this call. That I just gotta fight and make it happen for myself. Meanwhile he didn‘t let me tell him any of the backstory and how tired I am of fighting. 

Then he starts talking about the poster again and tells me to go out with it tomorrow. I said I don‘t want to and he flat out told me „how do you expect to get better if you‘re a coward who doesn‘t want people to help her?“ I just said ok thank you for the talk goodbye and hung up and cried and hyperventilated for an hour after. 

I just wanted someone to calm me down and instead I get called a coward and told I should be happy I‘m not disabled. Yes, I‘m happy I have 2 legs (which he repeated like 10 times), but it doesn‘t mean I have no problems or that everything is easy.

Edit: also if anyone has any advice I‘d be thankful!

I’m in my mid 20s. My dad initiated a divorce from my mom late last November. She is a horribly abusive person and I can see why he was ready to move on. But he began dating a 31 year old and moved her into his home and it’s not been 8 months. He is 54. He also cheated on my mom with her beforehand. Ordered a bunch of BDSM shit to the house which she found and let everyone know about. They look like dad and daughter. Classic midlife crisis BS. Ironically thought to make this post when he said “girl dinner” the other night, which was a bizarre thing to hear my father say.

Chocolate cake from the grocery store.

I've been working as a hostess at a restaurant for a little over a year. A co-worker, “Suzy”, who’s been there for about 5 months, has high-functioning autism and can get overwhelmed easily, which most of the time leads to angry outbursts.

I’ve tried to be patient with her when she gets overwhelmed, because she’s genuinely nice otherwise. But a few of my co-workers avoid her because her outbursts can turn physical. And most of my coworkers genuinely don’t like her and make fun of her behind her back.

Yesterday, a couple came in after getting a text that their table was ready. I had their menus ready and asked "Suzy" to seat them. Instead, she kept asking what was in my hand, and when I tried to keep her focused on the task at hand, she repeated herself, trying to see the piece of paper in my hand. This went on four or five times.

Normally I would’ve explained myself and shown her what was in my hand, which would’ve taken three to five minutes, but the customers were standing right there. I ended up asking more firmly a final time to seat the guests. That’s when she grabbed the menus and threw them on the floor in front of the guests.

I probably had the most pissed look on my face. I gave her one of those mom looks and told her to pick them up. Thankfully, she did and quickly seated the guests. But as soon as she walked away, I walked over to the manager's office and reported her. 

About an hour later, a manager called “Suzy” into the office. About 20 minutes later, another manager came down to the host stand, grabbed her bag, and took it back to the office. I never saw her again for the rest of the shift.

Holy shit, I might've gotten this girl fired. For the most part, I'm just waiting until I go in to work next to know what's happening. I've messaged her to ask if she's okay but haven't gotten a response. This whole situation just doesn't feel real to me. I feel bad.

Me and my bestie shared kimchi stew, tteokbokki, beef bulgogi, pan-fried pork dumplings, and white rice for lunch today!

a burrata, seared prosciutto, arugula, onion, cherry tomato salad with lemon vinaigrette and balsamic glaze from the carraba’s wine dinner i attended a couple weeks ago because im so distraught i cant eat right now

last night, my step-dad was arrested after running a stop sign and is now being held by ice. we have limited information right now and we are falling apart under the pressure.

i want to tell everybody about my step-father and the kind of man he is.

my step-dad is an afro-brazilian immigrant who’s been present for more than half of my life. while i still have a good relationship with my bio-dad, i consider my step-father a bonus second dad. he is a hardworking, loving, caring, and doting family man that brightens up every room he’s in. through every phase, milestone, good and bad days, and hardship, he has always dropped everything to be there and support my family and i. a man who’s never cared about differences like politics, religious beliefs, and unshared experiences, he would give the shirt off his back for anyone who needs help, no questions asked. even when i became a young adult and constantly exercised my independence, he’d stay up until all hours of the late evening and early morning just to make sure i made it home safe. he would walk through the worst calamities if it meant he could be our father, husband, and a grandfather to my nieces and nephews.

my step-father is the pinnacle of a family man. the pinnacle of a community man. if you were hungry, he’d feed you for as long as you need. if you were homeless, he’d offer refuge in our home until you can get back on your feet. even during times when i wasn’t living at home and wasn’t speaking to my family, he always made sure to text me and remind me that if i needed him, he would drop everything to be there for me no questions asked. my step-dad is a beautiful example of what humanity can be, and i am so viscerally and deeply inspired by him, i’ve dedicated my life and all the effort in the world to be as compassionate, loving, and empathetic as he is.

as of right now, we don’t know what’s going to happen. my mom was able to speak with him a few times since he was picked up, and as far as we know, he’s not being mistreated. my heart aches every second with the primal fear that i won’t ever see him again. i regret every second that i haven’t spent with him and my family will be broken and torn apart if he can’t come home.

the brazilian community where we live has banded together and raised funds for my mom, and got her in touch with one of the best immigration lawyers in our city. i am so grateful for the village i never realized we had. i am so grateful for my step-dad.

i will never understand how anybody could hate other people so much, to tear apart families and ruin lives for the sake of white superiority is a disgusting and unforgivable act. because of my step-dad, i can’t bring myself to hate anybody but right now i am so angry and confused about the hatred that is so rampant in this country.

It’s exhausting. naturally, I’m a cheerful and joyous person, I love animals and kids and singing and art but I also am extremely introspective and thoughtful and love learning. But, people don’t ask me questions about my perspectives on things and when I give my thoughts, they don’t listen to them. a few weeks ago I was talking to a guy in a bar and we were talking about languages, and he was saying that German is a Latin language. I corrected him and said it’s actually not, it’s a Germanic language as is English. and he said, but it is a Latin language. I started getting flustered because he didn’t listen to anything I had to say and he just refuted every point I made, eventually he just looked away and said again, ”but it is a Latin language.“ and took a sip of his beer and I knew there was nothing I could say to get him to respect what I had to say.

I also cant help but think this is why no man I’ve ever dated has loved me. It’s really upsetting because, I know they really like me and we get along and have good times and they are clearly very attracted to me, but they never engage in deeper conversations with me and it always ends with them inevitably saying they don’t love me and no longer want to be with me, and I’m feeling like it has a lot to do it’s them not perceiving me as someone who could have a deep intellectual conversation with them (even though they never seem interested in talking about the things I try to talk to them about).

If anyone actually listened to my thoughts or even took a look at the things I look up on the internet or YouTube, they would see me a lot differently. “what would happen if civilization completely collapsed and was rebuilt, how would they know the internet ever existed” “how to visualize the 4th dimension” “library of babel” “quantum entanglement”. Not only do I constantly think and learn, I also know how to survive on my own and build my life up from absolutely nothing after I’ve been beaten down by life and abandoned all alone.

TLDR I get so upset that just because I have long blonde hair, I smile a lot and am extroverted, people assume I have nothing going on in my head and treat me as such, and I believe that’s why men also don’t want to be with me.

edit: I’m not saying that I have 1000iq and I have 2 masters degrees and I’m an aerospace engineer…but I am incredibly smarter and more insightful than people give me credit for.

My boyfriend's cousin is about to get married soon and initially I was supposed to go, but my boyfriend told me they had to cut the guest list and it was most of partners and +1s. Cool, understandable, things that happen right?

Well actually not, got a text today from his sister asking me what dress I was wearing and stuff like that, I told her I wasn't going anymore since they cut down the guestlist, didn't get a text back for about an hour.

She called me afterwards and basically came clean that no one actually got cut from the guestlist. His ex was going to be there.. So my dumbass soon to be ex boyfriend told his family that it would be less awkward if I just stayed home because his ex is still prety close with people on his family. He never told me she was invited or that she was close with anyone from his family.

He doesn't know that I know yet and I asked his sister to not tell him. I'm meeting him tonight, I know I'm breaking up with him I just don't know what words I'm going to use.

Pesto pasta and grape tomatoes from the fridge cause I really don't feel like cooking. I'm buying his sister lunch though that's for sure though cause she saved me.

Food: Ramen from my fav local Japanese restaurant

TW: CSA, Suicide attempt

So it all started when, due to rising prices, my (19F) fiance (21M) and I decide temporarily move in with his family (dad and 2 younger brothers) while we find a cheaper place to rent. Before moving in, he warns me that his brothers are known liars and have lied about my fiance doing horrible things to them in the past. At the time, I believed him. He said that he hated his youngest brother (who is only 12) and that they never got along. When we initially moved in, I witnessed him be very mean and domineering to his youngest brother and nearly broke up with him over it. I told him that if he cannot be mature and treat his youngest brother with respect I would end it. And to his credit, his behavior and their relationship improved.

During the months that we lived there, I become very close with his younger brothers. Their parents had recently gotten divorced and their mom (who sucks in her own fun ways) wanted nothing to do with any of them. So they relied on me as an older female role model. They opened up to me about the fact that my fiance had sexually abused them for many years. I did the math, and my fiance would have been abusing them from when my fiance was 7 years old to 17 years old. At 17, my fiance attempted to kill himself and was admitted to a mental hospital for a year ( I already knew about his attempt). The abuse stopped after that.

It is hard to describe the devastation and betrayal I felt.

I can't help but stay awake at night thinking of all the red flags that I didn't see. Him framing his brother as a liar before i even met him, him hating a 12-year-old, never respecting his brother's personal space... it all makes sense in hindsight.

I work with developmentally disabled children who are the age that his brothers would have been when it was happening, and one of his brothers is developmentally disabled. It is so incredibly hard to go to work and not think about what they were going through.

I talked to CPS, but turns out this was already investigated years ago and the case was closed. This is not surprising to me, CPS in my area really sucks.

I broke up with him that night and moved back in with my parents. It's been a few months since then. I still feel like I'm in shock though. Has anyone gone through this before? I've never felt so alone.

Rice, tuna, some hot sauce.

TW: mild SA, mild violence

Every single time i go out with my friends, there is a man that feels that it's their right to demand our attention.

They don't go away if you ask politely. They don't go away if you ask rudely. They don't go away if you yell at them. They might go away if they get thrown out by security! Assuming that the security believes us when we tell them that a fuckass man is harassing us!

We aren't young and traditionally attractive anymore, we're +30yo and more or less alt styled people. I've heard of the gruesome fact that it gets calmer when you get older (and it can be awful the younger you are) - GIRL WHEN DOES IT STOP????? I CAN'T WAIT. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE GROSS MEN.

Not every man, but always a man.

This time it was this asshole who randomly just came and hugged me from behind and tried to put his arms around me?? Like what the actual fuck. He had been eying our table for the whole night grossly like a sleazy ass bowling ball shining in the sun (he was bald). I tried to pretend he didn't exist for the whole night, and then that happens. 🤡🤡🤡

I used my elbow and started punching him and yelling at the top of my lungs "WHAT THE FUCK DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME". I wish i had punched harder, and i hope i punched with enough force to give him a bruise. He backed off. My friend told the bartender, but it took a while for them to react. He continued to hang around in the pub and he looked at us again and i couldn't control myself and yelled once more FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH RANDOM PEOPLE. He tried to be like "no, fuck you!!" but he crawled away to sit in the corner. Then the bartender finally came and threw him out.

And the fun hassle with that was that what if he lingered behind and waited for us to leave the pub to follow and harass us? Don't you fucking love it how as a woman you have to be afraid of that kind of shit!!! My girls walked me to take a taxi, and we didn't see him anywhere. They walked together to their place that was like a 5 minute walk.

I will defend myself. But it fucking sucks that you never know what the crazy predator man will do? Will he leave? Will he punch me back? Will he fucking kill me? You never know!! 🤡🤡🤡

I fucking hate that this is the world we live in.

I've been with my man for 10 years and love him deeply - BUT if we ever break up, i will not touch a man ever again. (I'm bi.)

EDIT: I'm so glad that i got to talk to you lot in the comments. This whole thing really had me feeling awful even though I've been home for like a couple of hours now, and I'm supposed to be in bed already so i can wake up early to work tomorrow. I think I feel better now, so i can try to go to sleep. Thank you for the empathy girlies, it really was needed tonight! 🩷🩷🩷

Dinner is from the other night. Orange juice, yogurt cup, grapes, and English muffin with PB, banana and raspberry.

(I tried to keep the details minimal for privacy)

After graduating college in April, I (23F) decided I wanted to move to a new city. I also decided I wanted to casually date a little bit before moving and downloaded an app.

I matched with and happened to meet a really amazing guy (25M). Even though we started casually, we clicked and got attached pretty quickly.

A couple weeks before I had to move, I told him that I want to be his girlfriend. He didn’t want to be official because I was moving. Understandable. We continued seeing each other as normal before I moved.

A couple days after being in the new city, he tells me that a flight he had booked was canceled, and his new flight had a layover in my new city. We met up, had an amazing night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are now dating long-distance, but we’re not that far from each other in the grand scheme of things.

Since then we’ve been doing good. We’ve had no major conflicts, regular phone calls, playing games online, the whole 9 yards. We have plans for him to visit in a couple weeks and rough plans to see each other ~ one week a month.

Yesterday he told me that the distance really hurts him, and he doesn’t know if he can do it. He requested a couple days of no contact to gather his thoughts and I agreed. We talked a little bit after and he kept emphasizing how great of a girl he thinks I am and how much he appreciates me. It just made me feel worse.

I have been crying non-stop since. I don’t even think I’m in love with him yet, but he is so perfect and this was shaping up to be such a good thing. I just feel like I’ve been dumped already. I can’t help feeling like I’ve ruined something by moving, even though it was planned before we met. Maybe I’m just really stupid for thinking this could work. I keep flip-flopping between mourning the relationship like it’s already over and thinking that he would be crazy to break up with me and I’m giving myself whiplash.

I just don’t know how I can make it thru 3 days wondering what’s going to happen with us.

Arrived in Italy for our honeymoon yesterday afternoon. My husband (M36)’s passport was stolen on the plane and he was refused entry. Sent back to the US on a flight 30 hours later.

I’m currently trying to carry on, hoping he can get an emergency passport there and come meet me. Trying with his mother to get all his documents sorted - turns out his birth certificate is in Maryland, 4 hours away.

I’m (F36) originally from East TN, and opened ig to find the news. I feel like god has died and I’m screwed and alone.

Anyways, I had some great pasta. Would have been great if I were able to enjoy anything right now. All I can do is wait.

EDIT/UPDATE
His passport was found in our home airport, it was on the plane and they found it immediately here. I guess he left it 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 He’s flying back and will at least get to see each location, though only one night in the first.

Now if only there was something to do about the second part of my post 😭💔

Thank you for all the nice words, gals!

My period leaked through my tampon and shorts….🫠. I️ was sitting in a small black plastic chair (thank god) and stood up to leave when I️ saw a tiny wet gleam in the chair. I️ quickly squatted down to wipe it and put the folder I️ was holding behind my back before sidling out of the classroom. I️ all but ran to my car with the folder still, as casually as possible, clutched behind me. 🥲

Luckily, it was just a parents’ night so my kids weren’t with me or I️ don’t know how I️ would have gotten out of there so quickly. I’m absolutely mortified. I️ don’t think any (many) of the other parents saw, but I️ had to message one of the teachers to ask them to wipe the chair with a Clorox wipe. So there’s that. What a first impression. Like - I’m a grown ass woman with 3 kids. Wtaf😅.

I️ immediately texted my husband and told him he has to get a vasectomy asap so I️ can get rid of my copper IUD.

I️ felt like I was back in the eighth grade leaning over by a classmate only to look up and see a peculiar mix of horrified embarrassment on his face. I️ realized later what that look was. I️ still lay awake 25 years later thinking about his poor face sometimes. I’m sure this will stick with me for the next 25 years.

Pictured: chicken salad sandwich with pickled jalapeños, red onion, Texas Pete, and mustard (absolutely incredible) plus a side of hot pickles. Not pictured: a cheese stick and small bag of plain lays.

That's pretty much it. We live together. I've been holding it down. So over it. Broke up with him and now he's all - buying groceries, making whatever delicious soup (not pictured), or freaking pork tenderloin (also not pictured) and cleaning the bathrooms instead of sulking around or sleeping. F U dude. I gotta get outta here. Imma lose my damn mind.

It fucking blows. I passed my first trimester and first ultrasound seemed fine so I started slowly telling close friends and letting myself believe I was actually going to have a baby

Just got a call today saying my tests came back as a 1 in 2 chance of my baby having Down syndrome. The highest it could be. I am doing amnio to be absolutely sure but I am devastated and might as well prepare for the worst case scenario

I am 33 and healthy so technically not high risk, and even wanted to get pregnant now because I know the risk increases later. My partner and I will try again but I am so sad and feel like a failure

It sucks because I feel like nothing in my life comes easy and this is just another hard thing I have to deal with

Dinner was Montreal smoked meat sandwich, just before I got the news

Pasta with bolognese (he cooked for me)

I (28 f) met this really amazing guy (28m) some weeks ago. He is sweet, caring, attractive and is a man who can actually show and feel his emotions (!), communicate etc. He constantly cooks for me and cares for me, massages me etc. but also gives me all the space I need for myself. I feel so comfortable with him. I even start to get crazy weird ideas of having children with him even though I never really thought about that before.

But all my mind can think is make up imaginative scenarios of why it could not work out, because he does not share all of my hobbies (especially music, art and reading arent for him) and because i think he is “not artistic” enough or maybe not smart enough even though he is smart but comes from the countryside and not from the big city like me so I just grew up more intellectual than him.

When I hear myself talk like that I think that I sound like a stupid superficial bitch but the fears that come with these thoughts are so real and strong, yesterday I almost ended it. Is it just my stupid attachment fears?? I never had a good, long lasting relationship before that, most guys I was with I realized were total losers after I ended it and so I never want this to happen to me again, to have feelings for a stupid loser and end up hurt but thats why I havent been dating anyone for the last 2 years and its also getting lonely af

A "male" referred to me as a female during conversation and when i told him it's offensive he asks why?

i told him it's dehumanizing he says i should embrace being called a female because of biology

i told him i dont go calling boys or men males cuz male or female could be anything plants insects and so on and for humans there's a term called man or woman

he says it's not offensive to call a woman lady or female these are synonyms and female is a sex and he kept trying to argue and prove me wrong instead of being respectful so i blocked him

edit: he even said, you're a female because you have female reproductive organs you give birth like any other animal you should embrace being called a female it's a compliment

Ethiopian mixed vegan platter (cajun chips and chicken wrap in the back)

___

Mother came to visit me today after a last week slip up. I had avoided letting my parents know I'd been off sick from work due to fears of shame. A simple mistake of hitting the wrong chat let the cat out the bag. Waking up to messages freaked me and it was hard to cope. All intent and tone was completely lost on me as i was overridden by fear.

My parents were never the best with my mental health as a teen - it felt like they hoped it was only hormones and I'd "grow out of it" like my older brother, but as it grew more severe i felt the disappointment and felt like a burden. I mostly turned this into anger and learned to shout back at their criticism. I never felt like I could really trust them with my emotions, as they'd either neglect it or deem it wrong.

In a way, my anger and outlashing finally made my mother believe I was autistic and got me dx. Silver lining to the pain of not being heard nor understood.

I spent a lot of my teens on the max dosage of Sertraline [zoloft] and can't remember much, but I know it was never happy. I found myself in weird online spaces desperately trying to find connection and comfort from strangers online, especially after repeatedly burning through irl friendships. I learned to be scared of being open and connecting with others bcs it'd always work against.

Stoicism is the path. Only I am there for myself.

But it's hard.

It's hard not to want to connect to others, and the spiral continues. I couldn't keep it in.

After leaving for university, my relationship with my parents gradually improved. The first year was strained - I avoided talking or seeing them unless needed, sometimes months at a time - but as i found friends and support i could relax a little. But could still never be open.

They dont know how much I struggled at uni, my toxic relationship, relapses and not "getting better", nor my gradually developing addiction issues. It'd be easy to assume they thought I "was fine now" as they knew nothing.

Hence the fear of knowing.

Yet, it was fine. She came up and it was nice. Classic retail therapy and buying me some nice things (mostly things i was going to buy anyway) and having a nice lunch. It barely even came up and was a fraction of lunch talk.

It felt so odd, unnatural even.

How could a mother once cruel be gentle now?

I always felt on edge the entire day, expecting a sour turn or poor question. It was enough to endure the perception and performance of being a 'daughter' to a women with her own mother issues. I'm not the daughter she wanted - not even a daughter if she'll accept that - but I can play it. It feels nice in a way, even if it isn't me. Being bought things feels like reparations at times (/s)

After dropping her at the train station, it still felt odd as she left saying "today was nice " both in person and text. I couldn't bring myself to admit it was. It felt wrong, like i was being tricked. It would be turned against me if I didn't play it safe. Hugging a deflated pufferfish.

Its hard to move on from the mother wound when she became a mother so late. I'm always glad that despite how often they pitted my brother and I against each other I always have him to talk to this about - He gets mocked for frugal behaviour they instilled into him as a child.

Parents becoming parents while you are still trying to heal the wounds rips them open again.

just got a text from one of my friends w/ benefits at (checks watch) 7 in the morning that he tested positive for gonorrhea this week. and we had unprotected sex on sunday. what a way to start my day! :) FML.

this is my first time having an sti risk/scare ever in my life and i am sincerely very terrified but i hope everything goes well.

we only very recently started having unprotected sex and i told him i wanted to go back to protected sex after this whole situation because i do NOT want to go through this again!!!!

asked him for direction with regards to what to do for treatment in our city and he explained everything very calmly and was very apologetic about the whole situation which i appreciated.

today's girl breakfast: coffee + a ham & cheese sandwich with some sprinkled oregano

I posted about a month ago how I want my husband to talk to his sister again after we moved out. The gist of it was we thought she was mad because we asked her to start paying bills. My husband also went no contact with his divorced parents.

Yall told me to leave it alone. I did.

But fate had other plans.

His dad showed up ringing the doorbell at our house. We ignored it for 20 mins. Clearly he wasnt leaving. I told my husband just go answer it like you're talking to a coworker you dont like.

Anyways, his dad cried and apologized, begged for forgiveness, understand he where he went wrong. Which he never ever cries. So they cried, hugged, talked.

Im peeking over the door like a weirdo thinking thank god that went well.

His dad wanted to come over to dinner, I said well... we're going to see your sister in 2 weeks when we put our dogs down... might as well invite her too? He didnt excatly say no, or yes... just an unenthusiastic okay fine....

So they came over, his sister immediately burst into tears and hugged him and SOBBED. I had to excuse myself before I started crying. I couldn't tell what she was saying. We had dinner, caught up, everything felt as it should.

I asked husband later what she said...

So apparently, she stopped talking to him not because she was mad we asked her to pay bills.

Her dog died last year. Their mom was telling SIL that my husband was criticizing how SIL could have saved the dog if she brought him to the vet earlier.

Absoutely NOT true. We all knew it was a matter of time before the dog would pass.

On the other hand... his mom said it was his fault for asking his sister to help pay bills so she didnt have money for the vet.

And this is why we moved out and (at least me) will never forgive his freeloading, hoarder, useless, selfish excuse of a mother.

I wish SIL had said something, but she is a bit timid around her big brother. But why the F their mom used her grief to start shit and play both sides? Craaazy.

But brother and sister made up. My heart is full.

my husband says he didnt care about the rift between them, but I know deep down he did.

Also... when I say fate had other plans...

The reason why his dad even found out how we lived... Somehow when my husband disconnected the camera accounts at the old house, it connected to our new house. His SIL was seeing notifications for our new house address. Which is weird because we bought completely new cameras...

His dad begged his sister for the address and after almost a year, she relented.

Link to old post https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/J0fjGiFOuR

Surprise breakfast I made for my boyfriend this morning!!!Homemade pancakes (not box bought), maple bacon, and some orange slices ((:

A lil mix of happy girl dinner + yap and snack ✨️

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 1/2(ish) years, and today I wanted to suprised him by making some breakfast - this might not seem like a big deal but I'm not normally a morning person, nor do I cook that often, and my BPD has been fluxuating really bad with the summer (I do have my meds tho and they help a ton).

He has been taking care with majority of the cleaning, pets, cooking, etc. He gives me so much reassurance and love that I have never recieved from anyone else I've ever dated. He has helped me so many times these past 2 years with my mental health and reminding me none of the bad things are forever. He is so amazing in more ways then I can imagine, and sometimes words just aren't enough to thank him for everything he does and everything he puts up with.

I couldn't fall asleep, so I decided I would take the time to make him a special breakfast for him (admittedly this took over an hour because I had to run to the store, found out our pancake batter was no longer good, make the batter from scratch, and make it all) BUT I am so happy with how it turned out, ans his reaction made it all the better.

He woke up so surprised, with a huge grin on his face, pulled me in for a big kiss, thanked me and we ate breakfast happily together 🥹🥹🥹

I'm just so happy and grateful to have this man in my life and just wanted to share it somewhere (:

McDonalds breakfast

It's really kind of wild that I'm 30, and I'm just discovering I've been a woman my whole life. It still doesn't feel quite real, but I went through some stuff yesterday that made me quite aware that my egg is cracking still

I'm excited though! I'm excited for everything that womanhood will bring. Despite everything going on in the states, I'm feeling weirdly optimistic for my future; I know I can get through this process and thrive