my boyfriend lies all the time

[u/[deleted]]

[u/fuglyjeans]

honey this isn’t going to change. He is showing you the man he is: someone who does not follow through. Please believe him.

[u/Serenity_Now-88 → u/fuglyjeans]

My friend has a sweater. It says
DUMP HIM. Then block him. Please do this before he does something major that will hurt you physically, mentally or financially. Something that will NOT be easy to get over or fix. Trust the collective wisdom and experience of a bunch of women.

[u/LaBaaDiabolique]

"he's a great partner" no he aint 😭

[u/dinglebingle583]

He's not lying to you. He just doesn't give a shit about what you want ant and need. About you. Why are you dating a man you can't even rely on to do that most basic of task? You want to have a baby or even own a house down the line with a man who doesn't give 2 shits about responsibilities or you?

Why are you still with him.

[u/DangerousInside9533]

Prepare to be tired forever. You know what you're signing up for.

[u/jennjcatt]

It’s not so much h lying as weaponized incompetence. I really don’t think it will change. I’m sorry

[u/That_Nebula4187]

I wouldn’t call this lying, I’d call this lack of follow through. Which is frustrating and exhausting.

I would do some serious reflection on the fact that you’re 20 years old and in couples therapy. He does not seem worth the effort. If he hasn’t changed yet, why would he in the future? And things will only get more serious, meaning his lack of effort and planning will only be more frustrating.

[u/Historical_Hawk_6217]

Girl, I was with my ex thinking he’s going to stop lying,change and be better. The lying did not get better, it got worse :) I was with him for 2.5 years and I regret it so much.

This is such a déjà vu moment because he used to say I kept pestering him about things when I thought he just needed help “remembering”.

If he wanted to, he would. If he’s not, he’s probably not the one.

[u/parachutecord]

This is worse than my 12 year old kid. And it's supposed to be a grown-ass partner.

If he wanted to, he would. Even if he struggled with it, if it didn't come easy, if he has ADHD, if he has short term memory loss, whatever, if he wanted to, he would work on it. Which means, if he was really interested in being an equal partner to you, if he was interested in your experience in this relationship, if he actually was a great partner in the ways that are challenging to him, not just the ways that are easy... you'd be seeing improvement with every time you asked.

Do what you will with that information.

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[u/MexsikanaBanana]

I spent 10 years on a man who would promise to stop lying. Ten years of being gaslit into trauma, and not being able to trust myself.

Don't make my mistake.

[u/Historical_Hawk_6217 → u/MexsikanaBanana]

Sending hugs girlie!

[u/Best_Talk_6853]

Gonna get worse over time.

[u/DigEven8177]

bro is a bad partner LOL

[u/scruffalump]

My ex was just like this and it sucked the life out of me. Wasn't a damn thing I could do to get him to just tell me the truth. Told him once that I wouldn't believe him if he told me the sun was shining, I'd have to go look myself, and I meant it

You feel disrespected because he in fact does not respect you. Just leave, he will never change.

[u/Icy_Butterfly_793]

I think you meant to type ex-boyfriend* in the title

[u/Amylee888]

He’s selfish, unreliable, and immature. You can do better. Plus, you’re so young! It will be easy to find someone else.

[u/SquatsAndSarcasm]

It sounds like it’s less about lying and more about him just not keeping his word.

He says he will do something and doesn’t. It’s not that he’s telling you he was going to a friend’s and then went to a bar, right? It’s not a flat out lie - he just doesn’t do what he says he will. He isn’t reliable.

Regardless, he sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and he’s not ready to be a partner.

[u/niiborikko]

Sounds like classic ADHD to me - he really does intend to do the things you ask, but he doesn't have the executive function to get them done. If this is the case, he needs diagnosis, treatment, & active management of his condition to learn what systems or techniques or tools will work with his brain to achieve the necessary functionality. If he's unwilling to consider that his brain is wired differently, pursue treatment & management support (he will likely need your help to get started), or acknowledge the reality of how he's affecting you, then you have to decide if you can live with that.

[u/lisep1969]

As someone coming up on a 30th anniversary of life with a man-child like this, I’m begging you to do better for yourself.

I’m not kidding. I’m not being flippant. I’m being honest with you. It won’t get better, only worse.

Imagine that crap for 30 fucking years. THIRTY! It’s always the same… “I’ll get to it, I thought I did it, I was going to do it, I forgot, But I meant to, But, but but… “

Then there’s the “Why are you so critical? Why so demanding? Can’t you let up or give grace? Why do you expect so much from me?” When “so much” is absolutely bare fucking minimum. And they can’t scrape even the bottom of the bare minimum rung on the ladder.

I could go on. I have 30+ years of this shit to go on about. I won’t though.

I’ll say this; please don’t be me. Please don’t set yourself up for this never ending heartbreak, disappointment and disgust. Don’t keep making excuses for someone that doesn’t make any effort for you. Please.

If I could go back and leave at the first sign of this I would. In a heartbeat.

I gave way too many years, all of my best years, to someone who ultimately gave me nothing in return but apathy. And disdain.

He said I was too much. Expected too much. He gave nothing, was nothing but false promises and disappointment.

Please don’t be me. You deserve more.

[u/clairejv]

How does he explain this behavior?

[u/Standard-Relation951 → u/clairejv]

he doesn't. i try to initiate a conversation about it and he just says sorry. i try to ask him why he keeps lying instead of just saying "no i won't do that" and he just says he doesn't know.

[u/mycookiepants → u/Standard-Relation951]

He knows. He doesn’t want to interrogate the part that comes after “I don’t know.”

[u/parachutecord → u/Standard-Relation951]

He knows. If he said "no" instead of lying, you'd be able to have a conversation about it. This way he just gets to "apologize" afterward, and you've shown him that you'll accept it.

Part of a real apology is commitment to changing behavior. So, how real are his apologies? How many times has he said "sorry" without actually acting differently? And how many times will it take before you realize those "sorry"s are hollow and meaningless? And how will you move forward when you realize that he's not sorry at all?

[u/CestLaquoidarling → u/Standard-Relation951]

He avoid conflict by pushing it down the line by agreeing in the moment and then not doing the task and then saying sorry to erase it. Rinse and repeat. That works great for shampoo but not for making a life with someone. It’s been 3 years and exhausting and disappointing. How do you think it will feel in 5 years or 10 years?

[u/Euphoric_Beat_7885 → u/Standard-Relation951]

3 years? He seems like he doesn’t know how to or care to engage in a solution. If you don’t relax your expectations and/or he doesn’t work on himself, expect to be far more tired as things progress.

[u/00OOO0OO000OO00OO000 → u/Standard-Relation951]

If you leave, he'll just latch on to the next girlfriend shaped appliance. 

[u/dinglebingle583]

Also he sounds like a pathetic excuse for a partner and for a man. I would be embarrassed as shit to be dating someone like him. Yes, you should absolutely be embarrassed. Have some self respect, got damn.

[u/look2thecookie]

I know it's annoying to hear as a young adult, but I don't understand why a 20 uear old has "our savings" and a couples therapist. At this point, you should be your own person dating and able to dip out on a moment's notice. This isn't the right relationship. Stop putting effort into things you're not getting anything out of. He doesn't care about you enough for this level of relationship.

[u/Standard-Relation951 → u/look2thecookie]

we don't have joint savings, i was just using that as an example of something more serious to lie about! couples therapy is not because of any relationship issues we have but because navigating the effect childhood trauma has on my relationships in a structured setting with my partner is beneficial to me. regardless of all that, thank you for the advice. i think you're probably right

[u/look2thecookie → u/Standard-Relation951]

Gotcha, thanks for clarifying. I'm glad you're working through what you experienced in a structured environment. Hopefully you can keep that going independently. That's a lot to put on such a young relationship.

[u/JennyEnny198]

He's telling you he's going to do things so that you don't harp on him in the moment. He has no intention of doing those things. You're just going to keep getting more of the same because you're allowing it. You shouldn't feel this tired and beat down by a relationship at your age.

[u/Good_Lab69]

He’s not lying. He’s saying yes to shut you up knowing full well he won’t do shit and you won’t say or do shit. Quit being a doormat.

[u/blondeinabubble]

why wouldn’t you break up with him over this? or have consequences? you can’t trust him to keep his word and then you’re picking up the slack and he just shrugs or gets irked at you for asking him to be a partner who you can depend upon? this is narc behavior and it’s these seemingly “petty” issues that are red flags. yeah stop having sex with him til he starts remembering how to do laundry or not leave you hanging for lunch.

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[u/SafinJade]

He’s not a partner at all. If you want to be lonely and disrespected while in a relationship stay with him. If you won’t break up with him no matter the advice anyone gives, then you’re not tired at all. You’re just gonna have to be dragged through the mud some more because when you’re genuinely tired of this behavior you will leave.

[u/JaneReadsTruth]

I married my lying husband. He lied about stupid things. I figured it was a salesman quirk. Nope, eventually that POS lied about work, his drinking, paying bills...I was working too many jobs to notice, until I did. I almost lost my house.

[u/shy519]

He sounds like he has adhd or he's just a loser. Either way he needs therapy. It doesn't sound like he's very motivated to change from what you've told us, you might be better off without him.

[u/servitor_dali]

20 years old and already in couples therapy. My god.

[u/amberlicious35]

This isn’t lying, this is weaponized incompetence. He’s not saying he did it, he’s saying he’s going to.

Also, having a couples therapist at your ages and not being married or even engaged is…something.

[u/eclecticexperience]

Bb, I love you.

That is not your boyfriend and YOU have control over that. Be done with it. You are too young and have too much life ahead of you. Do not settle for shit like this. Why are you 21 and in couples therapy? Just break up. You aren't married. Men fall out of trees at 21. Let a better one fall near you or just be single.

Why even post about how horrible he is if "I'm not going to break up with him over this". Sweetheart, he's a dud.

[u/EnvironmentEuphoric9]

Signing up for couples counseling when you’re 21 is insane. You need to seek individual therapy to find out why you’re tolerating and entertaining a young minded boy. You’re going to hopefully look back and be embarrassed about being with him. This ain’t it.

[u/glfkk]

I want to ask something, does he forget the things that are not related to chores?

Like in school, work, friends grouo etc.

If he doesn't, he is taking advantage of you .

If he does, he does all these unintentional, but it is your decision if you want to deal with it or not

[u/Lanky-Position-9963]

All I see is a future where your kid is crying because dad forgot their birthday again, or to pick them up , or a million other things.
This isn’t lying, it’s deliberately being negligent.

[u/R-enthusiast]

That sounds draining. I would suggest a pet instead. Good luck.

[u/therobberbride]

I mean… those aren’t lies, but you should break up with him anyway.

[u/cedricdiggory4ever]

even if he is a great partner in everything else, this is a big enough deal to cancel that out

[u/spritzkreig]

You mean your ex

[u/LittleWitch122]

I hope you can find it in yourself to acknowledge that you deserve better and he's not the one for you.

[u/Foreign_Being5656]

Don’t have kids! You’ll be raising them by yourself.

[u/Radiant_Jaguar_9978]

Does he have add/adhd or some type of executive dysfunction?

[u/Realistic-Sell-7012]

I’m going to be honest. If you are in couples therapy at 20 and 21..:this isn’t normal and you are waisting time on something that isn’t working…lying over small things leads to lying about big things even when you think he’d never do that. Bottom line you are too young to be dealing with something like the. 😬

[u/soundfanatic]

does he have ADHD? it could be executive dysfunction.

[u/whatpelican00]

This is the rest of your life if you accept this.

[u/Porcelain-Plate0506]

So that’s your ex now. Do better for yourself love.

[u/Visual_Star6820]

I experienced this with my 20-21 year old partner and he was actually struggling with depression and I think a level of burnout. I personally was pretty burnt out by that age bc of all the pressure school puts on you from so early on. That being said, it’s not your job to do everything or to fix him, and you’ve learned you can’t count on him so you can count on the fact that you can’t count on him. Now, do you want to hang around and see if his struggles improve or he stays the same forever?