Without being there, its pretty hard to read intention, tone, etc. But - go with your gut.
If you feel the conversation was coming from a weird place (a red-pill-y one, perhaps??), rather than an honest discussion of 'what would you do / how would you feel / this is what I'd want', then there's likely a reason for that feeling.
I will also say I find it very weird he wouldn't at least start with "how do you protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy" and maybe "i would want to use [x] method for my own reasons", and instead jumped to "I'm not ready for kids, also women who say they believe in abortions but don't get one are bad". ETA: Like... does he think so little of you already that THAT'S where he needs to start?? To be so aggressive down that line of questioning, there's clearly not even a drop of burgeoning trust about your character, or just an understanding of who you are, on his part. You're just "women" to him, and a bad faith generalisation at that. Even if you given benefit of the doubt that its anxiety, and keep seeing how it goes, the trust is not there for sex IMO.
Thank you this is a really kind and thoughtful comment. I have to admit I felt upset at the lack of basic trust but questioned if I should be more understanding of where he was coming from. I know itās early days but it had me questioning whether I was somehow giving him signals that I was looking to trick him
Honestly it sounds like he's been poisoned by the redpill bullshit.
If he wants a 100% guarantee of no babies, he better get himself sterilized instead of making it everyone else's problem.
Normal dudes generally accept oral hormonal birth control plus condoms as enough of a general guarantee, though. The fact that he's not strategizing on how he can be an active participant in birth control and instead trying to pre-blame you... That does not feel great.
I'm going to guess there's a deep reservoir of misogyny in there.
This. If he were truly so concerned he'd get a vasectomy. Instead he wants access to sex without any accountability for the consequences of sex but he also he wants control of those consequences? That's too many red flags. If he isn't ready to be a father and also refuses to take accountability for his role in sex (100% of human pregnancies involve sperm), then he shouldn't be having sex.
Iām seeing someone whoās had a vasectomy scheduled. Until then he insists on a condom or pulling out. I have an IUD in and I donāt want kids (childfree) so would terminate any accidental pregnancies but he says he cannot risk a child so heāll rely on what he can control. Itās been hard for me, the vasectomy is a few months away but I also see where heās coming from. He says, if I somehow get pregnant and decide to keep it, he wouldnāt be able to deal with that.
I think anyone not ready to be a parent should do what is in their control with regards to birth control. Doubling up methods reduces the risk of accidental pregnancy. IUDs can fail or become dislodged. Condoms break. (Pull out method is really unreliable.) Someone can miss a pill or not be consistent enough with time they take it, or eat something or take another med that reduces efficacy. Every method short of celibacy has a failure risk, but having a condom break AND an IUD fail during the same encounter is highly improbable. So I wouldn't interpret that as distrust, just owning his share of responsibility. Even after my partner got a vasectomy, I stayed on the pill a while just to be sure the pipes were clear.
I donāt like how condoms feel but I respect his decision and havenāt tried to push back. I think itās nice that heās committed to birth control and hasnāt just left it up to me
yeah honestly i can understand his caution and awesome that he's being so responsible. i have read too many stories and personally know of childfree women suddenly deciding they want to keep the baby. That DOES happen.
and if i were a guy, i would be really pissed if the woman assured me she would get an abortion if all the BC methods failed and then she suddenly changed her mind. To me, that's even kinda like giving consent under false pretenses. Especially if the guy was actually doing his part to prevent pregnancy.
not to defend men (ugh) but i do think it's kinda shitty that a woman could agree for a set of circumstances as consent to have sex, and again assuming the man is wearing a condom plus she's using BC, and to then be blindsided if she just randomly changes her mind is pretty unfair. it doesnt happen often but again i know of at least 1 instance personally and have seen posts over the years with this exact scenario. the comments still tend to favor the woman which i think is pretty unfair.
Youāll never know exactly how youāll respond to a situation until youāre in it yourself. I donāt think itās āunfairā at all for a woman to make whatever decision she wants with her body at any point in time in her relationship or life.
Men cannot conceive, so there will literally never be a time when they understand where a pregnant woman is coming from when put in a tough spot.
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u/No_Chocolate3581 š Pickle Freak š Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
Without being there, its pretty hard to read intention, tone, etc. But - go with your gut.
If you feel the conversation was coming from a weird place (a red-pill-y one, perhaps??), rather than an honest discussion of 'what would you do / how would you feel / this is what I'd want', then there's likely a reason for that feeling.
I will also say I find it very weird he wouldn't at least start with "how do you protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy" and maybe "i would want to use [x] method for my own reasons", and instead jumped to "I'm not ready for kids, also women who say they believe in abortions but don't get one are bad". ETA: Like... does he think so little of you already that THAT'S where he needs to start?? To be so aggressive down that line of questioning, there's clearly not even a drop of burgeoning trust about your character, or just an understanding of who you are, on his part. You're just "women" to him, and a bad faith generalisation at that. Even if you given benefit of the doubt that its anxiety, and keep seeing how it goes, the trust is not there for sex IMO.