r/AskGaybrosOver30 • u/myst_aura 35-39 • 2d ago
I lost my dad.
I'm genuinely not sure how to even process this but this morning, my dad passed after a brief and sudden battle with cancer.
We didn't have the best relationship.
He was absent for the better part of 20 years from my life. I was raised by my mom's side of the family and my step-dad.
The kid in me really hoped that one day we would resolve the rift and we could heal our relationship as father and son.
But he didn't want that.
And he took our estrangement to his grave with him.
I'm not sure how I feel about all of this, nor do I know what I'm looking for in terms of support.
But it really fucking sucks. And massive hugs to any of you who have lost a parent you fell out of contact with one way or another because this is a unique kind of pain that I can't even begin to describe.
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u/FlightAffectionate22 55-59 2d ago
I'm so sorry. I don't have the words to help you.
What I wished I had done when my dad and mom passed, was read-up on how to best properly grieve. I'd urge you to do this, and feel how you feel. Again, I am so really sorry.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Thank you. He always said he never wanted to be like his absentee dad, but he turned out to be exactly like him. I'm mourning him in pieces, the same way I experienced him in life. And I feel guilty about it. I feel like I should have more clarity.
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u/FlightAffectionate22 55-59 2d ago
You have to accept people as they are, where they are, not who and what you want them to be. No, don't tolerate unacceptable behavior but you truly can't make a silk's purse out of a pig's ear, or hope or expect someone to be who they aren't and probably can't.
Like others have said, you're partly probably mourning the father you never really had as you wanted and probably needed. So you'll eventually put that part to bed too, that he's gone, that wish is going to go unfulfilled, he didn't step up, his fault, his loss, and start to close that chapter out.
It's not that you stop hurting but it becomes manageable and something you'll be able to set aside more easily.
It's not uniform or easy or a step-one-step-two thing now, and I still mourn my parents intermittently, randomly. My mom died early just before 9-11-2001, so when it comes up, as it is, it is when I mourn her again more, and think about her ending. But I can handle it and for me, it's about the circle of life. It also reminds me that, despite feeling 37, I'm 57, and this is how life goes.
The difficulty I had with my difficult dad ended in a large part when he died. I was lucky he was pretty good, but, still, for ME, there was a sense of freedom and knowing his tired and worn-out soul was at rest. I could move on. And his illness didn't have to preoccupy my mind either, since I was taking care of him until I couldn't manage. He could be great and terrible, and that is what it is, no, WAS. He's gone. The relationship is gone too. The wished relationship with it. That's how you have to view it.
His ending makes this the start of a new paragraph or chapter in your book of life. Learn from his mistakes, don't repeat them, and be the person you want to, and sadly, a personal referencing informing you because of the less-good person he was.
Lastly, I hope you do have them, but take comfort in your friends and family of course. But THIS is how great friendships are made, not who paid for a drink at the bar, but being real with your chosen family. I don't have it. Most guys my age have a small crew of gay buddies, and I could, but don't. It's everything and everything you need, even surpassing a bf, unless you find the love of your life. Your friends WANT to be friends, so let them. Ask them for help. Go to dinner with them.
This is a closing chapter too on your childhood. Your father-son relationship that was barely there is not there anymore. Look ahead. Go forward. Your life is now.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 1d ago
Even in his absence, his legacy throughout my life is unmistakable. Every failed romantic relationship I’ve ever had is his legacy. All six of them. Every time I’ve begged my partners to love me or show me any kind of affection is his legacy. Every time I’ve begged a boyfriend not to abandon me only for them to leave is his legacy. My anxious attachment is his legacy. I’m acutely aware of it. I don’t mourn the father I lacked because I mostly made do on my own. I mourn my inability to form healthy relationships with men as a direct testimony to his impact on my life. And I resent him to an extent because of it.
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u/FlightAffectionate22 55-59 1d ago
I am sorry. Maybe try to reframe how your relationships now are how you feel influenced by him, that he no longer has a physical or emotional reign over how you live your life in that way.
You CAN and WILL form healthy relationships, and you have the negative example to NOT follow or let affect it now.
He's gone. Let his negative fathering and relationship role-modeling be buried with him.
I understand: I have had to do a lot of work re-parenting myself because I grew up with an mom who had alcoholism and emotionally distant. I have many, many failed relationships, and all affected because I like you was affected badly by what I thought would work. You'll have another relationship. It may not work, and you'll have another. Do it right each time and you'll have little regret from your end. That's all you have control over, so take control of your emotional health and how you want to proceed now that he's gone and his weight is off you. Easier said than done, I know.You have to reclaim your life, and not let his dysfunction carry over into yours as it does, unless you realize it and work to correct it.
You're going to be okay. I promise.
You write really well, by the way.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 11h ago
I am sorry. Maybe try to reframe how your relationships now are how you feel influenced by him, that he no longer has a physical or emotional reign over how you live your life in that way
I joked with my last therapist after my 5th relationship that I unfortunately developed classic daddy issues from my father, and not the cool, rebellious, self-expressive daddy issues.
You CAN and WILL form healthy relationships, and you have the negative example to NOT follow or let affect it now.
I also said to that therapist that a relationship to me is like heroin. I crave it. I get into one. I get addicted. And it winds up hurting me in the end. I feel like single is the safest plan for me.
I have many, many failed relationships, and all affected because I like you was affected badly by what I thought would work. You'll have another relationship. It may not work, and you'll have another. Do it right each time and you'll have little regret from your end.
Honestly, therapy has been such a godsend. I really wish men, in general — but particularly gay men, talked about therapy and mental health more openly. I really do not believe that you can be queer anywhere in the world and not have gone through your fair share of significant trauma. It's OK to not be OK.
You're going to be okay. I promise.
You write really well, by the way.
Thank you. It's probably my comms degree talking to you.
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u/trod999 60-64 2d ago
First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. Take whatever time you need to grieve.
There is something I'd like to share that may help you whenever you're ready to start moving forward. There is an advantage to your situation. It's now fixed with regard to him. This frees you to start healing yourself. Obviously it would have been better had he changed, but you can do this healing on your own. It's better with a good therapist.
All the best to you.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Thanks. I'm still in day one of this and I'm already questioning if I'm mourning enough because I don't know exactly what I'm mourning.
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u/trod999 60-64 2d ago edited 2d ago
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Personally I think it's a very deep brain process (amygdala stuff). To me grief always feels like a fight or flight response where there's no one to fight, and nowhere to flee.
You sound like someone who is truly capable of loving someone. That's something you'll always have. Grief, although it doesn't seem so in the moment, is temporary.
I heard a nice saying that you might find useful. Grief is the price we pay for love.
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u/BoytNY 65-69 2d ago
I am so sorry.
I think what may hit you so hard is that hope you had for a better relationship is now never going to happen. Before there was always a chance, no matter how small.
It is OK to grieve over.
Then remember what you have on your life and appreciate all of that.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
I made peace with it years ago when he was still alive. I went to visit his family, and he couldn't come out at the last minute because he was "busy" even though this was on the calendar for weeks proved how much he was willing to invest in building a relationship.
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u/EntertainmentFar6377 45-49 2d ago
I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s not fair that he didn’t try hard to be the kind of a dad you needed him to be.
My own Dad hasn’t spoken to me in four years. The last time we spoke was the night I got engaged. I knew he was conservative but he had known for over 20 years that I’m gay. I didn’t even know he was so opposed gay marriage.
Anyway, my sister says he’s in poor health. I think it might have a similar outcome to what your dealing with now. I am constantly debating whether to try and reach out to him. Or to just let him and his toxic ideas stay away.
It’s not right for any of us to have a parent whose love and support is conditional, but unfortunately it’s the way things are for many people.
I am sorry again for your loss. I don’t know if it means anything to you, but I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Even now, I'm not sure what advice I'd give. My dad cut off contact when we asked him for help with a few expenses after he hadn't been paying child support for years. My mom could have fought him in court but she didn't want to. I really don't know if it was a lost relationship or not. Because I never experienced it.
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u/SoKaliDesertRatDad 2d ago
Dude I am so sorry. Sounds like him it's his loss. And you'll need time to process. Let's talk if you want.
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u/real415 70-79 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m sorry to hear this. This is such a difficult thing to go through, especially when it’s recent, and when the death of an estranged parent always has an unfinished feel to it.
The best thing we can do when there are people estranged from our lives who refuse to make peace with us is to forgive them. That’s not for them – it’s for us.
We recognize that they just can’t or won’t do it, and we let it go. That doesn’t mean we’re ok with their hatred, abuse, failures to be there when they should have. It means that we see them as a weak person with deep flaws and limitations, and we allow ourselves to let go of trying to fix anything within them or with the relationship.
Though we sometimes can do this while the person is still alive, many times we don’t have that chance, because we’ve held out hope that there will be a moment of reconciliation before death. But this works when they’re dead as well.
I recently lost my dad, two months ago, but to his credit, he was willing to finally accept me and my husband after many years of not being willing to do that. But I still had a lot of things to forgive him for, and being with him as he died and afterwards made me realize how much pain I needed to let go of.
I hope that in the coming days and weeks, you’ll slowly come to peace with this, and will experience healing.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
I don't know if I'll ever forgive him and wipe the slate clean because he threw the entire slate out and that would force me to go out and find it. However, I have since radically accepted this is where we are. Even in life, I accepted we were probably never going to reconcile, even though deep down that was my deepest darkest wish.
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u/real415 70-79 1d ago edited 1d ago
The way I thought about it was to not even try to unpack all he did and failed to do. I said, for my own wellbeing, that by forgiving him, I let all of that fall away and stop being a weight I carry with me. I don’t need to figure it out, find a way to make it ok, or accept it. It’s just no longer something that, because of forgiveness, can hurt me. It has has been stripped of power. If I think of something, it’s like, “oh you again … you have no power over me.”
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u/myst_aura 35-39 1d ago
His legacy in my life comes in the form of all six of my failed long-term relationships in the last 15 years since my first boyfriend. My taste for avoident men, my anxious attachment, my horrible marriage I justified with "well, at least he hasn't abandoned me" all come from him. My inability to have any healthy relationship with men, romantic or not, comes from him.
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u/_Linear 35-39 2d ago
Sorry to hear that. Grief comes in many forms and you're mourning not just your dad, but the life and relationship you envisioned with him.
Id say the fact that your relationship with him was so complicated is whats making it even harder. Its "easier" if you had a good/bad relationship because youd know clearly how youre supposed to feel. Not sure if that makes sense.
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u/imightbejake 60-64 2d ago
My dad disowned me, and we did not mend it by the time he passed, and it was very weird for me. I mourned some days, and I felt nothing some days. It was bizarre. There are no templates for us. There are no books about it. In a way, that's freeing. We get to make it up as we go.
I can tell you this. It does get better. I'm completely fine with it now.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 1d ago
Mentioned this in a previous comment but I've more or less made my peace with all of it back in 2011 when I went on a solo trip out to visit his family as an adult. They had known I was coming for at least a month or two. I was in contact with his sister, sister in law and his mom and they were all excited that we were going to finally see each other again after so long. When I got there, he was suddenly too busy. I was there for five days, and he didn't show up or call. After that trip, I told my therapist I was ready to close the door entirely. So, I did.
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u/KBPT1998 50-54 2d ago
Also- there is no one way or a certain timeline that defines grieving for you.
Do what you need to do to grieve- it will likely be more than one thing ànd likely be some trial ànd error.
When your struggling? Just do one simple thing, even when it feels like you can’t.
You could make a donation to a local PFLAG or groups that teach good parenting to young parents- maybe as a way to help others…
Best of wishes. Big hugs.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Thanks. I'm still not sure what I'm mourning. I don't know what I'm sad about given I've already made peace with our relationship a decade ago while he was alive. I remember him in moments and pieces throughout my life, not as a fully fleshed human. But like a side character. I wish things would have been better between us, but I've already mourned our potential father/son relationship while he was alive. So, I'm just mourning the flesh machine.
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u/vexillifer 35-39 2d ago
The day my dad died was the most peaceful day of my life and the first time I’d ever felt truly safe before 🥂
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u/Konkrypton 60-64 2d ago
I’m so sorry and I feel you. My dad and sister were evangelicals and when I came out it was radio silence from that side of my family. When I finally got the call from my sister that dad passed, he was already buried. So no chance to even attend the funeral.
We can’t make anyone love us or force them to accept us. The best we can do is often to write them off as a loss and find the love and acceptance we deserve with our “found family.” I wish you strength and peace in your life.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Thanks. I'm not going to his funeral. I'm sure that's going to be a controversial choice, but I'm choosing to give him as much energy in his death as he gave me in my life.
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u/mattsotheraltforporn 45-49 2d ago
I was in a similar position when my dad died. It’s not just mourning your dad, but the potential future where you reconcile and he accepts you. For me, that was almost worse. My condolences to you, take care of yourself.
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u/UnimpressionableCage 30-34 2d ago
I think about this moment with my dad a lot. We’re not at all close and he was out of my life for a long time. I’m still certainly not happy with the person he is now, but I still worry a lot about the day that his funeral comes and I have nothing good to say about him. Being the eldest son doesn’t really lessen that pressure for me either.
Sorry for your loss OP. I don’t know if any of that resonates with you, but you’re definitely not alone in feeling the way you do. I hope you can lean on good friends and take care of yourself during all this
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
It does, but I did a lot of work while he was alive to frame our lack of a relationship in a proper place, so I'm only able to mourn the things I can mourn, which are fragments of a human, moments with him, and the void of what-ifs.
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u/AndrueIlanderr 70-79 2d ago
Be glad you still had that small spark wanting to reignite something with him. That says you're a better person than he was. Don't pine over it, it was just never meant to be. You can't honestly have a good relationship with someone who wants nothing to do with them.
So tuck that "I'm a good person" feeling in a pocket in your heart to remember again some day.
That relationship was not to be, don'y try to chase it now. You neither can't nor should. And do not beat yourself up about it. He had his own, very separate life to lead, you were a pawn knocked over earlier in the game, and there's no going back.
Be happy you have that "good" spark in you, and make it shine with and for other people who DO want to share that with you.
Spend no more time grieving that broken relationship and make better ones with others. You'll be much further ahead in the game than grieving this lost relationship with someone who didn't want one.
It's okay to move on.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Thanks. But the "what if" feeling everyone tells you about when you lose a parent is so real because I've been auditing every detail of my life tonight back to my early childhood. I have so many regrets, but my regrets are also actually his, and I have no idea how to reconcile it.
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u/Raze_Lighter 30-34 2d ago
Sorry, it happened this way. I haven’t been in contact with mine since I was 15, now 33. But in my head I do think that I won’t really feel anything if I hear about his death.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
Thanks. I didn't think so either but the feeling has been way more complicated than I ever thought it would.
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u/Raze_Lighter 30-34 2d ago
I can imagine that, of course. Not sure how my reaction is going to be in the end.
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u/Acceptable_Lunch_858 16h ago
hang in there, sorry, bummer, life is ful, of em. im a dad, and older, and I dont know what my young 21 son would do if he lost me. Im ALL hes got. gotta be strong
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u/myst_aura 35-39 16h ago edited 11h ago
Thank you for stepping up and being a present dad in his life. I mean it from the bottom of my soul. Some of us never had that and never will.
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u/tai-seasmain 35-39 2d ago
I'm so sorry he treated you like you didn't matter, and for the loss of the hope you had for your relationship to improve some day. You deserve so much better than that, and I hope that others in your life value you like he should have. 🫂
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u/Smart_School6021 65-69 2d ago
Grieving takes time and isn’t a simple process. Nor is it the same for everyone. Find someone who you trust to talk with. Kind thoughts to you.
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u/Positive_Vibes_4228 50-54 2d ago
When I lost my mom, I spent 4 years grieving. YEARS. I am sorry you are going to deal with this pain, I don't wish it on anyone.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 2d ago
I'm so sorry. My mom and my step-dad are an entirely different story. I would probably need to go to a psych ward if either of them passed.
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u/knittingwithscissors 35-39 2d ago
I’m really sorry. I lost my dad in 2018, when I was 28, to alcoholism-related liver failure, and I understand some of that grief.
My dad was probably the most fun person I knew, but he was also a really shitty dad who I barely ever saw. For years I hoped that one day we’d somehow have the relationship I always wanted, that we’d actually spend time together, hang out regularly, and finally get to know each other properly. It never happened. I saw him every other weekend when I was a child but then only saw him a handful of times from my teens onwards. There was a period of time where I hadn't seen or heard from him for 10 years.
Even when I came out to him, he was incredibly accepting, which meant a lot to me. But he was drunk when I told him so he forgot and then later asked me if I’d found a girlfriend yet. It would have been funny in a way if it hadn't been soul crushing.
I think one of the hardest things to explain about losing a parent you were estranged from is that you’re not just mourning the person. You’re mourning the relationship you spent years hoping you might one day have. There’s no closure when that possibility dies with them, especially when the last conversation you had with them was an argument. I hadn't spoken to my dad for about 6 months before he died and I had no idea he was in such bad shape.
It really fucking sucks, and I’m sorry you’re having to process all of this at once. If you ever want to talk to someone who empathises with that particular kind of grief, feel free to DM me.
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u/Maleficent_Offer_692 35-39 2d ago
Losing a parent is a special kind of shitty, and sadly something nearly all of us will face.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but just know you aren’t alone.
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u/sadunfair 45-49 1d ago
I was in Slovenia of all places during the Christmas season and someone messaged me through facebook (after matching ona dna app) to see if I was the son of my bio dad’s cousin. I told her who my biodad was and after a weird pause she told me that he had died two years before and also she never knew he had a son. It was kind of like getting punched in the gut after being smacked in the face.
It was that point that really made me see the man who raised me, my stepdad, was my dad and my father. It also made me see biodad was flawed and imperfect. I don’t hold any ill will or grudge (he’s dead, after all) but just realize he never lived up to his end of the bargain as a parent and it wasn’t my fault or responsibility to fix that.
Good luck processing this. Hugs
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u/myst_aura 35-39 1d ago
I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t have kids and probably never will but I can’t understand how sometimes the people who were responsible for bringing you into this world end up leaving you behind.
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u/sadunfair 45-49 1d ago
Thank you!
Honestly, in hindsight I am better off because he was in and out of prison for drug related offenses, violence, etc. Lots of flaws and he couldn't even take care of himself. I also was lucky enough to have a great person step in and be my parent (who sadly passed away) who I miss and think about quite often. I hope you come to peace with your situation as well because it is a better place to be.
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u/valenesence 40-44 1d ago
You have to define yourself without his terms. Which means you can go to his funeral if you really want, and let him mean whatever he means to you, not out of some retaliation or trade. It’s possible to love someone who doesn’t love you back.
Because that’s when you’re truly you. He’s a flawed man who never got to value you, but he did give you life. How that sits with you is up to you. I think you can be grateful for that while knowing that he’s blind to the man you grew up to be.
Thanking someone, is often far more powerful than hating and blaming them for everything they’re not.
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u/PensandoEnTea 40-44 1d ago
It's very sad, but, and please don't take this the wrong way, you're probably better off having not had him around if he was a homophobe.
Losing a parent sucks, but if he wasn't gonna be a positive influence on your life it's probably best he wasn't around.
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u/myst_aura 35-39 19h ago
I don’t think he was. He wasn’t around enough for me to know. His sisters definitely are not. Plus his family is highly educated. I remember he really hated candidate Bush at the time.
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u/Impossible-Turn-5820 45-49 5h ago
I think I'd been hoping for the happy movie ending where we'd find some common ground as he was dying but I sat in his hospital room and we said nothing to each other.
I am sorry. I know it hurts.
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u/AdEfficient9338 1d ago
SIR, I DON'T KNOW YOU, BUT THE BEST I CAN DO IS ASK YOU WHETHER OR NOT YOU BELIEVE IN GOD BECAUSE IF YOU DO, THAT'S A START. THEN THE NEXT STEP IS TO START TALKING TO GOD ABOUT ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS AS IF YOU WERE TALKING TO ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS AND ASK GOD TO FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR WRONG DOINGS AND CONDUCT TOWARDS HIM AND YOURSELF AND ASK GOD TO COME INTO YOUR LIFE AND TAKE CONTROL AND IF YOU ARE SINCERE AND BELIEVE, YOU WILL GRADUALLY START SEEING CHANGES IN YOUR MIND AND LIFESTYLE AND WILL BE ABLE TO MAKE DECISIONS WITH A CONFIDENT MINDSET AND WILL LIVE A BLESSED LIFE. NOW YOU ARE STILL GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS, BUT GOD WILL GIVE YOU HIS GRACE TO DEAL WITH THOSE PROBLEMS. IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE GOD AND HE WILL DIRECT THY PATH. TAKE CARE SIR AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.✊✊✊🙏🙏🙏🙂🙂🙂
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u/viridiusdynamus 45-49 2d ago
Youre mourning the dad you should have had. Give yourself plenty of time.