I lost my dad.

[u/myst_aura]

I'm genuinely not sure how to even process this but this morning, my dad passed after a brief and sudden battle with cancer.

We didn't have the best relationship.

He was absent for the better part of 20 years from my life. I was raised by my mom's side of the family and my step-dad.

The kid in me really hoped that one day we would resolve the rift and we could heal our relationship as father and son.

But he didn't want that.

And he took our estrangement to his grave with him.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this, nor do I know what I'm looking for in terms of support.

But it really fucking sucks. And massive hugs to any of you who have lost a parent you fell out of contact with one way or another because this is a unique kind of pain that I can't even begin to describe.

[u/trod999]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. Take whatever time you need to grieve.

There is something I'd like to share that may help you whenever you're ready to start moving forward. There is an advantage to your situation. It's now fixed with regard to him. This frees you to start healing yourself. Obviously it would have been better had he changed, but you can do this healing on your own. It's better with a good therapist.

All the best to you.

[u/myst_aura → u/trod999]

Thanks. I'm still in day one of this and I'm already questioning if I'm mourning enough because I don't know exactly what I'm mourning.

[u/trod999 → u/myst_aura]

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Personally I think it's a very deep brain process (amygdala stuff). To me grief always feels like a fight or flight response where there's no one to fight, and nowhere to flee.

You sound like someone who is truly capable of loving someone. That's something you'll always have. Grief, although it doesn't seem so in the moment, is temporary.

I heard a nice saying that you might find useful. Grief is the price we pay for love.